BEHOLD: "THE SPOTLIGHT"

I've got a lot of things.  Charm, talent, piercing blue eyes, humility… Seriously, though. I've got a lot of great things in my life, but nothing is more important than the amazing people that overrun it.  Sometimes I seriously do feel like the star of a TV dramedy, one who alternates between the roles of "center of melodramatic attention", and "silent straight man."  In hopes of sharing with you some of the great personalities, intriguing souls, and rock-solid confidants that I'm so blessed to have in my life, I present to you my new gimmick, "The Spotlight." 

Every Tuesday (hopefully), I will start an email exchange with someone, and just see where it takes us. See what we talk about.  See who grabs a soapbox to lecture and who, alternately, grabs a rubber chicken to make us laugh.  At the end of the week, I'll try to compile it all as best as I can (it'll be a work in progress) and present to you fifteen minutes of Kingdom fame from whoever I picked that week.  Odds are, it'll be someone I just want to catch up with, which is self-serving, of course, but hey—all my friends are great, and you're liable to be entertained, appalled, or captivated no matter who it is.  Hope this little experiment works. 

So, who do I start with? It was an easy choice, because 1) I wanted to start off with a bang, 2) I wanted it to be entertaining the first time out, and 3)  I can honestly say that no one makes me feel like the Jerry Sienfeld to his Kramer-Costanza (just one character doesn't do him justice) as much as this guy does. You may know him as Sat Fat, as U-92, or even as Pelvis Presley.  I know him as Flexy Lexy.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the long overdue Kingdom return of Uram…

 After exchanging pleasantries and being raked over the coals for neglecting to return his (largely unreceived) Ims all month, he started things off with a little story.  

 …on Sunday August 21, 2005, my life was culminated.  I sat in my seat at the MCI center and witnessed SUMMERSLAM.  Forget the first two hours and fifteeen minutes.  lets cut right to the greatest moment of my life:

JINGJINGJINGJING OOOOOH OOOOOH SHAWN!  I THINK I'M CUTE. I KNOW I'M SEXY. I GOT THE LOOKS THAT DRIVE THE GIRLS WILD. I GOT THE MOVES THAT REALLY MOVE 'EM. I SEND CHILLS UP AND DOWN THEIR SPINE. I'M JUST A SEXY BOY (sexy boy) I'M NOT YOUR BOY TOY (boy toy). I'M JUST A SEXY BOY (sexy boy) I'M NOT YOUR BOY TOY (boy toy).
SHAWN MICHAELS CAME OUT.  CAME INTO THE RING, LOOKED AT ME, AND SAID, "THANK YOU ALEX URAM.  THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE" .  IT WAS AWESOME EVEN THOUGH SHAWN WAS FORCED TO CARRY HOGAN FOR 20 MINUTES AND GET PINNED.  THEN WHEN VIN AND I WERE WALKING OUT OF THE ARENA, WE SAW AN SUV DRIVE BY WITH SHANE MCMAHON IN IT.  HE WAS OBVIOUSLY IN DISGUST BECAUSE SHAWN LOST.
 

 …Well i gotta go train for friday's open run for the AND 1 MIXED TAPE TOUR. I'm practicing my dribbling the ball through the other guys legs, alley oop to my self, and also the old pull the defender's jersey over his eyes and hit the ball off his head and through his legs then throw and alley oops to AND 1 STREET BALL LEGEND SPYDER for the TOMOHAWK SLAM.

You know me,
I beez a street ballin jigga from da projex.
Met up wit mad bitches for some mo sex
don't wine and dine, even if dey be fine,
i just hit it and quit always usin latex.

laaate
-URAM.BET

 There's really no way to follow up something that insanely random and out there. If only you could all know the Uram us D-Sonians adore. The 275 pounds of twisted-steel and sex appeal that's quiet as a stampede, hasn't found a referee (in any sport) whose life he can't ruin, and is wanted for Verbal Murder in three states… So I just let it go, and asked him the Phillies' impromptu run towards the NL Wild Card…

ah, the good old wild card spot.  Lets see here... the phillies are like a cheating girlfriend.  they cheat on you, you dump them.  Then a month or two later you are lonely, you see her at the club and she misses you too.  You get to talking, hook up and then take her back.  BUT, For the rest of the relationship you wonder, WILL SHE EVER CHEAT ON ME AGAIN?  Now everything seems great... up 1 1/2 games in the wild card. "Sorry honey, I can't go out tonight, i have to babysit for my sister's kids."  But I know the phillies aren't at their sister's house baby sitting their neice and nephew.  I know that the phillies are out giving [rhymes with "snowjob"] to a latin american fella name rico.  So lets get down to brass tax here... will the phillies make the playoffs or will they be caught with a [use your imagination] down their throat?

Here is the answer:

SEPTEMBER SCHEDULE
2-4 AT Washington
5-7 vs. Houston
9-11 vs. Florida
12-15 vs. Atlanta
16-18 at Florida
20-22 at Atlanta

WILL THEY MAKE THE PLAYOFFS?  LET ME QUOTE DR. DRE:
"HELL NO BITCH NOW YOU GOT…."

Sorry 'Lex, that was "Just shy of phenomenal," but there are kids out there, and I have to be careful.  If anyone out there needs to figure it out, that's what Google's for…Sensing hilarity looming when it comes to his area of expertise: All Things Philly Sports, I decided to go for broke, and fired off some quick questions: 

What's your feeling on TO?

I purposely did not answer this question until after friday nights game.  First play of the game 64 yard touchdown bomb to T.O.  the end.  See you in Detroit.

Do you miss FredEX? I absolutely miss Fred X, First Down Freddie, The People's Champion, the Sultan of the Slot.

Is this your year, finally?  Our victory in Superbowl XL is a real as the bible itself.

How do you think John LeClair and the Rechhin' Ball will look in Penguin unis?  One man's junk is another man's treasure.  Ouch! That one hurt…

Has Iverson killed anyone lately?  No one stole crack from him, so no one died.

I thought that was about it, that I couldn't hope for any more, and that it had turned out to be a pretty solid outing for the first try (especially since I had no clue how I'd put this all together and try to make it work –continue to bear with me..) Then, he made my fall. Friends, I bring to you a HUGE announcement for the Kingdom: THE IMPENDING RETURN OF "GOING POSTAL!"  Now, 'Lex is no longer working for the USPS, so a new column name will have to be formulated, but I'm sure you can get an idea about what we're in for here… I'll let him tell you, though, just in case…

Anyway, I want to write a sports column every week.  I'll tell the truth about Pittsburgh Sports as an outsider who isn't neccessarily a hater.  I will absolutely rip the Red sox, patriots, and ray lewis frequently.  Basically I want to write about sports, and whatever topic in sports I want.  And the topics won't only be philly because your readership (3 people) probably will get sick of all illadelph all the time.

So whaddya think? Who wants to be in the spotlight next? Email me, before I email you.
Be Good to Each Other
-apk