I AM THE LAW! 2: Hold The Mayo
Okay, here’s the DEFNITIVE LIST OF FAST FOOD, but FIRST! I present to you, those that were ineligible, but warrant special mentioning.
-Anything from Sheetz (ranking its food is impossible): Some special items include the Carb-Buster Shmagel, any Burgerz, Garlic Fryz, Ceasar Saladz, Roasted Chicken MTO, and the new sweet Cream Cheese filled Pretzelz. Sheetz is the greatest place God hath Wrought.
-The Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet: $3.99? ‘nuff said!
-Eat n’ Park Smiley Faced Cookie: I only eat blue icing ones, but they’re all fantastic. Next time you come visit in the ‘Burgh, I’ll buy you one.
-Panera Bread New England Clam Chowder in Bread Bowl: Sourdough bread bowls are GOOD. New England Clam Chowder is GOOD, put them together—mmm, mmm, GOOD!
-Primanti Brothers’ Capicola n’ Cheese: My favourite sandwich at a Pittsburgh landmark. Excellence.
-Rita’s Italian Ice Gelati: Perhaps the Best Dessert Ever, I prefer Watermellon, Black Cherry, Blueberry, or Root Beer.
Honorable Mention:
-Wendy’s Chicken Nuggets- The best in the business, were just edged out of the Top 10.
-In & Out Burger, Checker Burger- Fantastic burgers at both of these regional joints, but I’ve only them once.
-Chipotle- Everyone who has eaten it loves it. Except me. I was honestly not that impressed, based on price. Same goes for Baja Fresh.
-Bacon, Egg, & Cheese on a Bagel- Deli Creations, Carlisle, PA- For a time, it was the best drunk food ever. However, it has been surpassed by others on the list, and most anything made by Sheetz. Keeping it off the list is indicative of how good everything that made the Top 10 actually is.
-‘The Original’ Hotdog Stand’s (Oakland, Pittsburgh, PA) French Fries with Cheese: Not only do they give you a boatload of fries for a about 3 bucks, but they’re fantastic. The place itself is kind of scary though, especially when the cops are staked out there at 3am, so that sort of takes away from the eating experience (or adds to it). They’re legendary in the area, and it takes a small army to put down an entire X-Large serving.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!
10) Taco Bell’s Chicken Quesadilla: I’m going to make an admission early on this list. The Taco Bell a block from my house is the single greatest fast food establishment I’ve ever been in. It’s open until 3am, the workers are friendly and hilarious, the place is always immaculate, and the food is perfection. This place takes Taco Bell to a whole ‘nother level. It’s Chicken Quesadilla is a fantastic blend of cheese, spice, and goodness.
9) Wendy’s Chicken Cordon Bleu: I remember having this ONCE. And it has stuck with me ever since. The Chicken Cordon Bleu was a specialty item a number of years ago, that apparently is brought back every now and then. I’d rank it higher, but I’ve only had it once. Just a fantastic sandwhich.
8) New York Deli’s (Carlisle, PA) Chicken Cheesesteak: This was originally the best drunk food in Carlisle, until Deli-C burned the place to the ground. Probably the best cheesesteak I’ve ever had, it was only hurt by the fact that NY Deli wasn’t quite open as late as Deli-C, and it wasn’t across the street from the Sketch House, but DAMN was it tasty.
7) KFC’s Popcorn Chicken: Better than any chicken nuggets, anywhere, hands down. These bite-sized morsels of the Colonel’s special blend of eleven herbs and spices never fail to hit the spot. Sadly, the KenTacoHut across from the Law School doesn’t sell them anymore. Have they been discontinued? If so, they will be missed.
6) Subway’s anything: It all depends on what kind of sandwich you like, but the fact of the matter is that Subway keeps it real. You always know what you’re going to get from them, no frontin’. My personal favourite? Seafood Sub on Parmesan/Oregano bread with Provolone, Lettuce, Black Olives, salt, pepper, oregano, parmesan, and bay seasoning. FAN-tastic.
5) Arby’s Big Montana: Or is that MAN-tana? If you’ve never had a Big MT, you MUST NOW… I’ll wait… …. … okay, good wasn’t it? What’s that, you can’t talk? Too tired from scarfing down a HALF POUND of roast beef on a sesame seed bun? No kidding. Eating a Big Montana is a test of strength, one in which this little Knipper excels at. God, I love the Big Montana…
4) McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese (aka: Royale with Cheese): Ahh, the fast food sandwhich that made the man I am today. And by that, I mean “fat.” I don’t even eat these anymore, which is why it’s down at Number 4. Also, Wendy’s Jr. Bacon got too much support over on the boards, so I have to acquiesce to my peeps. Anyway(s), I’ll remind you all that I eat my burgers plain, which is why I’ve never had a Big Mac. Just give me meat and cheese, which is why the 2X ¼ is my all time favourite burger.
3) Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger: For the price and the taste, they can’t be beat. I’ll admit it, I’m not a huge Wendy’s fan, but I’ll always fondly remember post-baseball game stops at Wendy’s in college, where you could stretch your per diem to the limit on Jr. Bacons and Frosties. Not even the Wendy’s Douche is terrible enough to ruin the Jr. Bacon’s place in my heart. Well played, Dave Thomas, well played.
2) McDonald’s Bacon, Egg, & Cheese McGriddle: Sweet lord, if they made these 24/7, it would hands-down win this competiton. It was about a whole year before I actually tried one, and they’re so much better than they have any right to be, that I can’t even put it into words. How do they make it taste like syrup? What made Mickey-D’s decide to step up and give you FANTASTIC PIECES OF REAL BACON for the first time, ever? We may never know. And even if I have to thank the Williams sisters, Serena and Venus, who I can’t stand, for delivering this goodness to us, I will. They’re that good. I actually emailed McDonalds last month, asking them to please start serving these all day, every day, because drunk college kids everywhere will thank them.
And the NUMBER ONE FAST FOOD ITEM OF ALL TIME IS…
1) Taco Bell’s Club Chalupa
It existed for just single month: February 2004. They were able to sell them until they were gone in mid March. In that six weeks, I probably ate two-dozen Club Chalupas, maybe more. A Chalupa with bacon? A sauce on something I actually liked? I can’t explain how good this was. Admittedly, it may have just been that my Taco Bell is an amazing place, but I’d like to believe the Club Chalupa could transcend environmental factors. I’d like to think I’d be willing to dodge bullets at the ‘O’ in order to eat one. This was a special taco. So special, I CALLED Taco Bell’s international hotline, and asked them to bring it back. So special, every time I go to Taco Bell, I secretly hope above all hope that it’ll be back, and this time, for good.
God Bless the Club Chalupa, and God Blesses, Everyone.
Wow. I’m hungry.
That’ll do it for now, although I may write a Bows and Toes for later today, or tomorrow, keep coming back!
Thanks for reading,
-apk
-Anything from Sheetz (ranking its food is impossible): Some special items include the Carb-Buster Shmagel, any Burgerz, Garlic Fryz, Ceasar Saladz, Roasted Chicken MTO, and the new sweet Cream Cheese filled Pretzelz. Sheetz is the greatest place God hath Wrought.
-The Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet: $3.99? ‘nuff said!
-Eat n’ Park Smiley Faced Cookie: I only eat blue icing ones, but they’re all fantastic. Next time you come visit in the ‘Burgh, I’ll buy you one.
-Panera Bread New England Clam Chowder in Bread Bowl: Sourdough bread bowls are GOOD. New England Clam Chowder is GOOD, put them together—mmm, mmm, GOOD!
-Primanti Brothers’ Capicola n’ Cheese: My favourite sandwich at a Pittsburgh landmark. Excellence.
-Rita’s Italian Ice Gelati: Perhaps the Best Dessert Ever, I prefer Watermellon, Black Cherry, Blueberry, or Root Beer.
Honorable Mention:
-Wendy’s Chicken Nuggets- The best in the business, were just edged out of the Top 10.
-In & Out Burger, Checker Burger- Fantastic burgers at both of these regional joints, but I’ve only them once.
-Chipotle- Everyone who has eaten it loves it. Except me. I was honestly not that impressed, based on price. Same goes for Baja Fresh.
-Bacon, Egg, & Cheese on a Bagel- Deli Creations, Carlisle, PA- For a time, it was the best drunk food ever. However, it has been surpassed by others on the list, and most anything made by Sheetz. Keeping it off the list is indicative of how good everything that made the Top 10 actually is.
-‘The Original’ Hotdog Stand’s (Oakland, Pittsburgh, PA) French Fries with Cheese: Not only do they give you a boatload of fries for a about 3 bucks, but they’re fantastic. The place itself is kind of scary though, especially when the cops are staked out there at 3am, so that sort of takes away from the eating experience (or adds to it). They’re legendary in the area, and it takes a small army to put down an entire X-Large serving.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!
10) Taco Bell’s Chicken Quesadilla: I’m going to make an admission early on this list. The Taco Bell a block from my house is the single greatest fast food establishment I’ve ever been in. It’s open until 3am, the workers are friendly and hilarious, the place is always immaculate, and the food is perfection. This place takes Taco Bell to a whole ‘nother level. It’s Chicken Quesadilla is a fantastic blend of cheese, spice, and goodness.
9) Wendy’s Chicken Cordon Bleu: I remember having this ONCE. And it has stuck with me ever since. The Chicken Cordon Bleu was a specialty item a number of years ago, that apparently is brought back every now and then. I’d rank it higher, but I’ve only had it once. Just a fantastic sandwhich.
8) New York Deli’s (Carlisle, PA) Chicken Cheesesteak: This was originally the best drunk food in Carlisle, until Deli-C burned the place to the ground. Probably the best cheesesteak I’ve ever had, it was only hurt by the fact that NY Deli wasn’t quite open as late as Deli-C, and it wasn’t across the street from the Sketch House, but DAMN was it tasty.
7) KFC’s Popcorn Chicken: Better than any chicken nuggets, anywhere, hands down. These bite-sized morsels of the Colonel’s special blend of eleven herbs and spices never fail to hit the spot. Sadly, the KenTacoHut across from the Law School doesn’t sell them anymore. Have they been discontinued? If so, they will be missed.
6) Subway’s anything: It all depends on what kind of sandwich you like, but the fact of the matter is that Subway keeps it real. You always know what you’re going to get from them, no frontin’. My personal favourite? Seafood Sub on Parmesan/Oregano bread with Provolone, Lettuce, Black Olives, salt, pepper, oregano, parmesan, and bay seasoning. FAN-tastic.
5) Arby’s Big Montana: Or is that MAN-tana? If you’ve never had a Big MT, you MUST NOW… I’ll wait… …. … okay, good wasn’t it? What’s that, you can’t talk? Too tired from scarfing down a HALF POUND of roast beef on a sesame seed bun? No kidding. Eating a Big Montana is a test of strength, one in which this little Knipper excels at. God, I love the Big Montana…
4) McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese (aka: Royale with Cheese): Ahh, the fast food sandwhich that made the man I am today. And by that, I mean “fat.” I don’t even eat these anymore, which is why it’s down at Number 4. Also, Wendy’s Jr. Bacon got too much support over on the boards, so I have to acquiesce to my peeps. Anyway(s), I’ll remind you all that I eat my burgers plain, which is why I’ve never had a Big Mac. Just give me meat and cheese, which is why the 2X ¼ is my all time favourite burger.
3) Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger: For the price and the taste, they can’t be beat. I’ll admit it, I’m not a huge Wendy’s fan, but I’ll always fondly remember post-baseball game stops at Wendy’s in college, where you could stretch your per diem to the limit on Jr. Bacons and Frosties. Not even the Wendy’s Douche is terrible enough to ruin the Jr. Bacon’s place in my heart. Well played, Dave Thomas, well played.
2) McDonald’s Bacon, Egg, & Cheese McGriddle: Sweet lord, if they made these 24/7, it would hands-down win this competiton. It was about a whole year before I actually tried one, and they’re so much better than they have any right to be, that I can’t even put it into words. How do they make it taste like syrup? What made Mickey-D’s decide to step up and give you FANTASTIC PIECES OF REAL BACON for the first time, ever? We may never know. And even if I have to thank the Williams sisters, Serena and Venus, who I can’t stand, for delivering this goodness to us, I will. They’re that good. I actually emailed McDonalds last month, asking them to please start serving these all day, every day, because drunk college kids everywhere will thank them.
And the NUMBER ONE FAST FOOD ITEM OF ALL TIME IS…
1) Taco Bell’s Club Chalupa
It existed for just single month: February 2004. They were able to sell them until they were gone in mid March. In that six weeks, I probably ate two-dozen Club Chalupas, maybe more. A Chalupa with bacon? A sauce on something I actually liked? I can’t explain how good this was. Admittedly, it may have just been that my Taco Bell is an amazing place, but I’d like to believe the Club Chalupa could transcend environmental factors. I’d like to think I’d be willing to dodge bullets at the ‘O’ in order to eat one. This was a special taco. So special, I CALLED Taco Bell’s international hotline, and asked them to bring it back. So special, every time I go to Taco Bell, I secretly hope above all hope that it’ll be back, and this time, for good.
God Bless the Club Chalupa, and God Blesses, Everyone.
Wow. I’m hungry.
That’ll do it for now, although I may write a Bows and Toes for later today, or tomorrow, keep coming back!
Thanks for reading,
-apk
1 Comments:
I'm nearly CERTAIN we only had In/Out Burger once, and the aforementioned trip home. As for the Chicken Cordon Bleu, it's on a different standard, because I've been to Wendy's multiple times. The fact that I've only experience the establishments of In/Out and Checkers once, means that they lack credibility, ie: I don't know if it'd be good every time. Wendy's, for better or for worse, is consistent, and I have faith the Cordon Bleu would be good every time. That, and it was that awesome.
Now, Burger King sucks. That's about all I can say about it. It's fries used to be special, now they blow. They're chicken's not as good as Arby's or Wendy's, and the Whopper is the 2X 1/4lb, without the same goodness. The only cool things about BK are the Kids' Club and the Crowns. Both of which I've outgrown... sort of.
-apk
By
apk, at 12:59 PM, August 19, 2004
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