FRLG (Guest Stars! Part II): "This Is What You Get When You Mess With Us"

Welcome to YOU combined Rules/ Daily Dose.

First up, I'm going to bang out a quick Dose here, while I finish up this History of American Law paperage. She's coming along nicely, if you must ask. Anywho, without further ado, the Song of the Day is "Karma Police" by Radiohead. For some reason, it popped into my head today, I re-downloaded it, and it took me back my Freshman Year days in Morgan Hall. I used to pump the bass on my sub-woofer to this song, just to shake the trinkets off of the desk of the girl who lived above me. Fun times. Great song.

The Link of the Day is equally exciting, as it's my DREAM GIFT. The person who hooks me up with this either becomes my wife, or (if male) I become their indentured servant for life.
It is, of course, Luke's Yellow Jacket of Awesomeness. If you check out the page, it even tells you how to MAKE one out of 1977 parts. Sort of like re-fitting a DeLorean in 1955, or something.

Now, without any more BS on my part, I proudly give to you Grampy and Banner's second part to their rules. If you thought the FIRST set caused an uproar, honey, you ain't seen nothing yet. I've got two words for you: Salary Cap. But you have to read on to find out what I laughed so hard about...

'til next time, there's no hope with dope,
-apk

take it away, boys!

Much to the chagrin of all the ladies in the kingdom, we’re back for another round of testosterone hijinks, tomfoolery and ballyhoo. The overwhelming response we received from the first three rules has established quite a high standard. Lucky for all of you we’ve stepped up to meet the challenge. Without further ado, we present Rules #4-6:

4) Always have a back-up plan

Basically, it’s a smart play to keep another female on the back burner. Here’s the situation – say you’re dating a girl and things are going well. You’re seeing each other on a regular basis, doing the whole “getting to know you” nonsense, when all the sudden shit goes sour. Maybe one of you calls it off because a new piece of info has arisen. (She picked up an STD in Cancun!) Or perhaps you just got tired of her psychotic obsessions with Sex in the City and Will and Grace. Regardless of the reason for the demise, you can’t be left without an alternative strategy.

This rule has a little “don’t put all your eggs in one basket” mentality to it. If you allow yourself to become so infatuated with your new squeeze to the point where you cut ties with all other eligible girls, then you’re (in sports analogy terms) using up all your cap space. Injuries happen, so you have to keep a little bit of wiggle room in the salary cap to pick up that veteran player who can step in immediately. You don’t want to make an unproven and untested rookie QB your franchise player. You need that capable back-up waiting in the wings.

How you go about doing this is entirely up to you. If you can lose your conscience for a bit and pull off some innocent fibbing, go for it. Caveat emptor though. If you really dig the girl you’re currently with, but keep secret the periodic email exchanges you have with the cutie who lives down the hall, it WILL come back to haunt you. Don’t tempt karma. Let the Cutie know you’re dating someone; let the Current know you maintain communication with assorted female friends. Of course, you need to exercise some creative discretion here. Make sure you don’t divulge too much information or you could possibly throw Current into a fit of jealous rage. And by no means should you gush about Current to Cutie. Instead, describe to her in elaborate detail the ultra-smooth (Ok, romantic) evening you have planned for Current. Cuite will probably experience a touch of envy, that “god damn I want him to make out with me” feeling that gets panties all wet. Building up your reputation in Cutie’s eyes is a great thing. You’re setting her up for the inside fastball. When the situation with Current dissolves away, Cutie will be only too eager to “console” you. Voila! Instant rebound. Well planned and well played. [A good Texas Hold ‘Em face is a must for pulling off this daring and perilous maneuver. It is not for the faint of heart. You’ve been warned]

5) Never trust a girl who doesn’t drink beer

So obvious, yet so often unobserved. Seriously girls, ditch the frickin apple-tinis! And if we ever see another female order a chardonnay at a pub, we may have to gouge our own eyes out. What’s that? You’re watching your caloric intake? That’s what they make Michelob Ultra for, so shove your Atkins diet straight up your pooper. You don’t like the taste of beer?!? Sweet Jesus! Let me guess, you’re the prissy little bitch who shows up at our fraternity bashes with a bottle of water, right?

Gentlemen, these girls are the devil incarnate, and are not to be trusted under any circumstance. They’re into designer handbags, swanky bars and jewelry that you can’t possibly afford. Hmm, that’s funny. Our weathered hat, playoff tickets and home theater system are at the complete opposite end of that priority spectrum. Do you really think you’re gonna connect with her at all? Of course not. She will never appreciate the three Bs. You see, at her core, the non-beer drinking female not only rejects everything you hold dear, but also relishes in all that you despise. She’ll attempt to fry you with an evil scowl when your best friend comes over to watch the game. She’ll go on day long shopping trips and spend your money. She’ll gossip incessantly about her co-workers with her mother. Sounds to us like a life that revolves around Longerberger baskets, Lifetime movies and Tupperware parties. For where there is no beer, there is a litany of deep-seeded emotional and psychological issues that you certainly want to avoid at all costs.

To the ladies out there who are afflicted with this disease, let me assure you that there exists such a diverse range of beer varieties, that should you make the effort to try them out, I guarantee you’ll find something that satisfies your selective palette. For instance, the Lancaster Brewery makes a strawberry wheat beer that has enough fruity sweetness to pass your stringent test. And let’s be clear on something – Smirnoff Ice does not count as a beer. Neither do any of those other “malternative” beverages that have flooded the market in the past decade. If it’s not an ale, lager, stout, etc., it’s not a beer. This is not debatable. The beverage needs to be available from a tap. And last time I checked, you couldn’t get a barrel of ANYTHING with “Twisted” in the name.

This is not to say that one should explicitly trust ladies that drink only beer. Rather, you should always be mistrusting of the ladies that shun the frothy amber nectar entirely. If she doesn’t have a 30 pack of Beast in her fridge, that shouldn’t be of great concern, as long as she’s ready and willing to down a few pints at the bar. So leave the White Zin and Zima hoochies for the greasy posers and grab the gal with a Guinness in her hand. Otherwise, it’ll be weekends of makeovers and antiquing for that must-have China set for you.

6) Only tell a girl what she wants to hear

Translation – the truth isn’t always necessary. Nine times out of ten, a girl doesn’t want to hear the truth. She wants to hear that you think her new shoes go great with that outfit. (As if you even noticed she was wearing shoes.) She wants to hear that you really enjoyed that lunch with her and her best friend. (Like it didn’t take every bit of restraint for you to not shove that snotty little bitch’s face right in her French onion soup.) And your girl would LOVE to hear that you think about her every second of the day. (Which you do, only she’s butt-ass naked in all those thoughts.) The bottom line is that you don’t spontaneously think about those things. They only come about when prompted. You should then game-plan for those occasions. Fabricate a plethora of nice thoughts to use in situations where they either a) save your ass, or b) score you major points.

Additionally, it’s imperative that you be able to deflect lines of questioning. If a night out with the fellas begins harmlessly, but then steadily transforms into a debaucherous evening complete with a stripper in your lap, then you need to adroitly steer your girl away from why it is that you didn’t get home til 5am. However, we warn against getting entangled in a web of lies, simply because your buddies aren’t smart enough to keep up the stories. Instead, go into excessive descriptions of true people and events from the evening: The Yeager shot you spilled on yourself. The wacky illegal alien cab driver. Or better yet, the winning TD drive with all the play-by-play analaysis you can muster. Follow that up with an “As much fun as I had with the boys, I missed you terribly. How was the movie?” and you’re golden. When you voluntarily share the non-scandalous highlights of your adventure with your girl, it makes her think that you’re getting better at verbally expressing yourself. Considering that you used to reply with a string of basic one word answers, she’ll feel that she’s making progress with you.

Also remember to compliment creatively. “You look pretty” only works until about date #3. After that, drop a “god damn you’re stunningly gorgeous this evening” on her. Keep in mind, it doesn’t matter if you actually think those thoughts. The legitimacy of your words is, and always will be, irrelevant. All that matters is that they sound sincere, and most importantly, that she believes they come from the heart. It isn’t lying or misleading so much as it is a more poetic way to assure that you come out of it smellin’ like a rose. By randomly throwing out clever observations, however false they may be in actuality, you’ll seem attentive and caring. And since all females want a guy who notices everything, you’ll be on the road to orgy-like bliss. So get creative! The more original, the better.

Thanks for tuning in for this week’s lesson. We hope these rules were as enlightening as the prior ones. To all those scholarly gentlemen in need of further guidance, please visit our website at www.girlsaredumb.com. You’ll find our office hours and contact info there. Drop us an email, we’d love to hear from you. Happy beaver hunting!

Ice Man and Banner