FRLG iii: SPECIAL GUEST STARS!!!
Hey everybody, sorry for the posting delay today. It happens, I know. There's not a whole ton to report here on the home front, yet so much to talk about. I'm still spinning waywardly out of control these days, but at least I'm enjoying it. Tonight, I'll be headed to an old school videogame extravaganza (think: Pac-Man and Galaga, no Zaxxon though..bastards) in order to help raise money for a local soup kitchen. On my arm will be my three buxomly lovely honeys, Jeanie, Justine, and Danielle. They've all promised to "look cute" for me as I pimp away. Oh, and Kup (and maybe Pizz) are coming too. Hooray! Charity!
In the meantime, I present to YOU what may just be the most well-written thing to appear in the Kingdom to this point. Grampy Staub and Bruce Banner have agreed/volunteered to step up and take care of the FUNDAMENTAL RULES OF LIFE AS A GUY for the next two weeks, so their first edition (which is downright amazing) follows below. I'll just say this-- I've broken all of these rules, consistently, and not only am I a bigger best friend to girls than diamond (notice, I've got three chicks on my arm tonight, and will be coming home alone) but I've also not had a girlfriend since Clinton roamed the Oral Office. Thus: TAKE HEED!
One last bit before we get to their brillance: MARC was the lucky bastard to be my 4,000th page read, so if you're interested, Frenchie, MY KINGDOM can be YOUR KINGDOM for a day. Just send me an email.
Now, awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy we go!
-apk
Greetings from Philly boys and girls!!! Bruce Banner and Grampy Staub coming to you live from a little slice of heaven we like to call Apt. B3. The ever-gracious APK has granted us an opportunity to spread the love to all those in The Kingdom and so we’re left with the daunting task of educating and entertaining. Specifically, we have much commentary to share concerning the “rules” of living life as former booze-hounding frat boys. This topic sparked a particular interest with me, Grampy, since it was about two years ago when I personally developed guidelines for my brother to live by. He was an innocent lad traveling the tumultuous road from high school graduation to larger-than-life college campus. Being eight years his senior, I felt it my responsibility to make sure he headed to Robert Morris University armed with the appropriate WMDs. As a result, three vital rules were born. Since then, Banner and I have not only expanded the informative details that lead to one’s proper understanding of the original three rules, but have formulated new ones as well. The year that we’ve co-habitated here in Filthadelphia has provided critical insight into the greater workings of the universe. It’s time now for us to enlighten the masses. Accordingly, we present our rules:
1) Never let a girl get to your head.
This rule involves the essential component that allows a guy to successfully navigate the emotional whims of females - control. Should you, as a male, allow a female to become the sole voice in your noggin, you may as well perform a literal self-castration because your testicles are no longer your own. When you lose that edge, that “she likes me just a little bit more than I like her” advantage, the battle is lost. Therefore, it’s absolutely essential that you always maintain control.
Some may interpret this rule to simply mean “Don’t be pussy-whipped”. However, all guys ARE pussy-whipped. (There’s no denying the fact that 99.9% of male actions are geared toward the acquisition of a friendly piece of beaver. It’s called evolution. We prowl the earth looking to pro-create.) What this rule tries to prevent is the situation whereby a young gentlemen is constantly asking himself “How will she interpret this thought/word/action?” You cannot as a guy hesitate in your own actions. Be decisive. Remain firm in your opinions. Never ever EVER allow a female for even a millisecond to get the notion that she can manipulate you. You must know where the relationship is and where it’s going at all times. You absolutely have to be the Jedi master to her padawan learner.
Always project a field of confidence. Act like you expected whatever random comment or behavior a girl may exhibit. Anticipate the drama she’s sure to bring. Never let her know that you’re confused or frustrated or flustered. You cannot, under any circumstances, lose your cocky edge. In fact, it’s best if you keep her guessing. Show her that you know at all times what’s up, and have a contingency plan for every possible scenario. Don’t get your head played with!!! If she’s kicking it around like a soccer ball, you’ll never recover.
2) Never be the first to say “I love you”.
There is no greater sin than uttering those words before your girlfriend does. For in doing so, you relinquish all power that you may have in a relationship and condemn yourself to a life of sexless indentured servitude…game over.
As you can see, this is a natural follow-up to Rule #1. No matter how strong your feelings are, no matter how confident you are that you’ll get an “I love you too” in response, you CANNOT say it first. You would instantly give her the upper hand. (And didn’t we just get through emphasizing how important it is not to do that?) Now then, some of you fellas may do a little cost/benefit analysis and conclude that being the first to say “I love you” will provide you with a barrage of mind-blowing bedroom sessions. True. But have you considered the long-term effects? Do you realize that she’ll expect to hear it all the frickin’ time? That whenever you don’t say it she’ll over-dramatize the situation? That she’ll tell all her friends how in touch with your emotions you are? That you’re so sensitive and understanding? (Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth.) Despite what girls say, they don’t want a spineless little bitch who can “express himself” as a boyfriend. They want a take-charge guy who’s got both hands on the wheel and his foot on the gas. That guy doesn’t even think about “I love you” until his girl has poured her heart out to him in some kind of drunken stupor. This is one case where second place is better than the gold.
However, we are in no way vetoing excessive romanticism. Bouquets of flowers, quiet candle lit dinners? Go for it. Make her love you. Shit, fall for her head over heels. Just please don’t be the first one to drop those three little words. Trust us, regardless of the short-term sex boom, biting your tongue is best.
3) Girls are dumb.
Now, before all you uber-feminists get your panties in a twist, please understand this statement has nothing to do with intelligence, SAT scores or GPAs. Instead, it is a constant reminder of the illogical nature in which females conduct their lives. What makes sense in the mind of a female is clear as mud to a guy. From our perspective, females are the anti-Spock. Simple “a + b = c” logic has no tangible presence within the thought processes of ladies. We could go and on as to why that is (rampant hormone fluctuations spring instantly to mind), but the bottom line is that we never see a steady linear progression when analyzing how a female confronts any situation. Basically ladies, you make no sense whatsoever. You are the enigmatic species.
This rule is intended to be the ultimate explanation for why girls randomly cry and can’t tell you why, for those times when they spend countless hours wondering why their friends haven’t called them in two days, for why they can’t focus on the reason you went to the damn mall in the first place. When they can’t decide what to order, when they can’t pick out an outfit, when they’re unable to follow driving directions, just remember that girls are dumb. Women are ruled by emotion; men by logic. Always keep this in mind.
As a corollary, I’d like to call your attention to the three “Bs” – beers, balls and boys. These things serve as the antithesis to all the inconsistent characteristics of females. “Beers” are of course always ready to be consumed. They’re right there in the fridge, or perhaps down the street in your local dive bar. You always know what to expect from your frosty brew. It’s cold and yummy and instantly reminds you of all the crazy frat-tastic times you experienced during college. Beer - the ultimate comfort food.
“Balls” refers to sports. Whether playing or watching, you can find your escape in sports. Follow your favorite team. Organize a pick-up game. Get lost in the minutiae of points per game and shots on goal and BCS standings. Sports are full of constants: the field is always 100 yards, there are always 4 bases, you’ll always get two minutes in the box for slashing. Constant consistency. (God love it.)
And finally, “boys”. Your buddies. Those frat dogs that you pledged with. The guys in your fantasy football league. They’re always there for you to drink Beers and watch Balls with. See the connection? You combine all three and you have the very essence of what it means to have testosterone coursing through your veins. Once again, the antithesis of females – constant, reliable, trustworthy. So when a girl is being dumb, remember that you can rely on the three “Bs” to bring you back to reality. There are never any guessing games when the three “Bs” are involved. When your bitch trips, just remember that she’s dumb.
So digest these first three. Recognize that they form the core of your everyday life as a guy. Follow them to the letter and your headaches are sure to decrease. My brother has, and he’s now a sophomore frat boy at RMU who’s successfully macking on bitches like Nelly at a club with a bottle of Cris in his hand.
Stay tuned for more. We’ll bring the supplemental rules to you next week. Until then, crack a beer, put the game on, and stick your hand down your pants. And burp and fart while you’re at it. We promise you’ll enjoy it. Cheers!
Banner and Gramps
In the meantime, I present to YOU what may just be the most well-written thing to appear in the Kingdom to this point. Grampy Staub and Bruce Banner have agreed/volunteered to step up and take care of the FUNDAMENTAL RULES OF LIFE AS A GUY for the next two weeks, so their first edition (which is downright amazing) follows below. I'll just say this-- I've broken all of these rules, consistently, and not only am I a bigger best friend to girls than diamond (notice, I've got three chicks on my arm tonight, and will be coming home alone) but I've also not had a girlfriend since Clinton roamed the Oral Office. Thus: TAKE HEED!
One last bit before we get to their brillance: MARC was the lucky bastard to be my 4,000th page read, so if you're interested, Frenchie, MY KINGDOM can be YOUR KINGDOM for a day. Just send me an email.
Now, awayyyyyyyyyyyyyy we go!
-apk
Greetings from Philly boys and girls!!! Bruce Banner and Grampy Staub coming to you live from a little slice of heaven we like to call Apt. B3. The ever-gracious APK has granted us an opportunity to spread the love to all those in The Kingdom and so we’re left with the daunting task of educating and entertaining. Specifically, we have much commentary to share concerning the “rules” of living life as former booze-hounding frat boys. This topic sparked a particular interest with me, Grampy, since it was about two years ago when I personally developed guidelines for my brother to live by. He was an innocent lad traveling the tumultuous road from high school graduation to larger-than-life college campus. Being eight years his senior, I felt it my responsibility to make sure he headed to Robert Morris University armed with the appropriate WMDs. As a result, three vital rules were born. Since then, Banner and I have not only expanded the informative details that lead to one’s proper understanding of the original three rules, but have formulated new ones as well. The year that we’ve co-habitated here in Filthadelphia has provided critical insight into the greater workings of the universe. It’s time now for us to enlighten the masses. Accordingly, we present our rules:
1) Never let a girl get to your head.
This rule involves the essential component that allows a guy to successfully navigate the emotional whims of females - control. Should you, as a male, allow a female to become the sole voice in your noggin, you may as well perform a literal self-castration because your testicles are no longer your own. When you lose that edge, that “she likes me just a little bit more than I like her” advantage, the battle is lost. Therefore, it’s absolutely essential that you always maintain control.
Some may interpret this rule to simply mean “Don’t be pussy-whipped”. However, all guys ARE pussy-whipped. (There’s no denying the fact that 99.9% of male actions are geared toward the acquisition of a friendly piece of beaver. It’s called evolution. We prowl the earth looking to pro-create.) What this rule tries to prevent is the situation whereby a young gentlemen is constantly asking himself “How will she interpret this thought/word/action?” You cannot as a guy hesitate in your own actions. Be decisive. Remain firm in your opinions. Never ever EVER allow a female for even a millisecond to get the notion that she can manipulate you. You must know where the relationship is and where it’s going at all times. You absolutely have to be the Jedi master to her padawan learner.
Always project a field of confidence. Act like you expected whatever random comment or behavior a girl may exhibit. Anticipate the drama she’s sure to bring. Never let her know that you’re confused or frustrated or flustered. You cannot, under any circumstances, lose your cocky edge. In fact, it’s best if you keep her guessing. Show her that you know at all times what’s up, and have a contingency plan for every possible scenario. Don’t get your head played with!!! If she’s kicking it around like a soccer ball, you’ll never recover.
2) Never be the first to say “I love you”.
There is no greater sin than uttering those words before your girlfriend does. For in doing so, you relinquish all power that you may have in a relationship and condemn yourself to a life of sexless indentured servitude…game over.
As you can see, this is a natural follow-up to Rule #1. No matter how strong your feelings are, no matter how confident you are that you’ll get an “I love you too” in response, you CANNOT say it first. You would instantly give her the upper hand. (And didn’t we just get through emphasizing how important it is not to do that?) Now then, some of you fellas may do a little cost/benefit analysis and conclude that being the first to say “I love you” will provide you with a barrage of mind-blowing bedroom sessions. True. But have you considered the long-term effects? Do you realize that she’ll expect to hear it all the frickin’ time? That whenever you don’t say it she’ll over-dramatize the situation? That she’ll tell all her friends how in touch with your emotions you are? That you’re so sensitive and understanding? (Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth.) Despite what girls say, they don’t want a spineless little bitch who can “express himself” as a boyfriend. They want a take-charge guy who’s got both hands on the wheel and his foot on the gas. That guy doesn’t even think about “I love you” until his girl has poured her heart out to him in some kind of drunken stupor. This is one case where second place is better than the gold.
However, we are in no way vetoing excessive romanticism. Bouquets of flowers, quiet candle lit dinners? Go for it. Make her love you. Shit, fall for her head over heels. Just please don’t be the first one to drop those three little words. Trust us, regardless of the short-term sex boom, biting your tongue is best.
3) Girls are dumb.
Now, before all you uber-feminists get your panties in a twist, please understand this statement has nothing to do with intelligence, SAT scores or GPAs. Instead, it is a constant reminder of the illogical nature in which females conduct their lives. What makes sense in the mind of a female is clear as mud to a guy. From our perspective, females are the anti-Spock. Simple “a + b = c” logic has no tangible presence within the thought processes of ladies. We could go and on as to why that is (rampant hormone fluctuations spring instantly to mind), but the bottom line is that we never see a steady linear progression when analyzing how a female confronts any situation. Basically ladies, you make no sense whatsoever. You are the enigmatic species.
This rule is intended to be the ultimate explanation for why girls randomly cry and can’t tell you why, for those times when they spend countless hours wondering why their friends haven’t called them in two days, for why they can’t focus on the reason you went to the damn mall in the first place. When they can’t decide what to order, when they can’t pick out an outfit, when they’re unable to follow driving directions, just remember that girls are dumb. Women are ruled by emotion; men by logic. Always keep this in mind.
As a corollary, I’d like to call your attention to the three “Bs” – beers, balls and boys. These things serve as the antithesis to all the inconsistent characteristics of females. “Beers” are of course always ready to be consumed. They’re right there in the fridge, or perhaps down the street in your local dive bar. You always know what to expect from your frosty brew. It’s cold and yummy and instantly reminds you of all the crazy frat-tastic times you experienced during college. Beer - the ultimate comfort food.
“Balls” refers to sports. Whether playing or watching, you can find your escape in sports. Follow your favorite team. Organize a pick-up game. Get lost in the minutiae of points per game and shots on goal and BCS standings. Sports are full of constants: the field is always 100 yards, there are always 4 bases, you’ll always get two minutes in the box for slashing. Constant consistency. (God love it.)
And finally, “boys”. Your buddies. Those frat dogs that you pledged with. The guys in your fantasy football league. They’re always there for you to drink Beers and watch Balls with. See the connection? You combine all three and you have the very essence of what it means to have testosterone coursing through your veins. Once again, the antithesis of females – constant, reliable, trustworthy. So when a girl is being dumb, remember that you can rely on the three “Bs” to bring you back to reality. There are never any guessing games when the three “Bs” are involved. When your bitch trips, just remember that she’s dumb.
So digest these first three. Recognize that they form the core of your everyday life as a guy. Follow them to the letter and your headaches are sure to decrease. My brother has, and he’s now a sophomore frat boy at RMU who’s successfully macking on bitches like Nelly at a club with a bottle of Cris in his hand.
Stay tuned for more. We’ll bring the supplemental rules to you next week. Until then, crack a beer, put the game on, and stick your hand down your pants. And burp and fart while you’re at it. We promise you’ll enjoy it. Cheers!
Banner and Gramps
9 Comments:
Wow. Gramps, Banner... are you guys bitter. And although I am not an uber-feminist, I have to admit my panties are in a bit of a twist. "Women are ruled by emotion; men by logic"?? If that is the case, please explain to me how football is logical, and how blind devotion to one particular team playing football (inducing fits of rage and swearing when said team is sucking... again) is logical. What I (an apparently illogical female) have derived from your 3 fundamental rules is this: use any excuse possible to avoid change. Rule 1: avoid change by avoiding emotions. If a girl "gets in your head," status quo has altered and you are no longer ice man in control. I guess that's bad. Rule 2: never be the first to say "I love you" because that might somehow change the balance of the relationship, and you are again no longer ice man in control. Rule 3: girls are dumb, because if you actually made an effort to try to understand them, you would have to change your behavior. And you would no longer get to play the ridiculous ice man in control. So cling to your fear, ice man. It's true, girls do like a strong man, but all strength and no vulnerability gets tired after a while. If we don't get to see any mushy bits, it's very possible we'll lose interest. So there's my two illogical cents; take it or leave it as you will.
By
DutchGirl, at 12:46 AM, November 17, 2004
i find you two funny. i also find the rules fittingly appropriate for college where it is essential to remain single in order to score as much tail as possible and bond with the three B's. i think, however, that a fundamental change is needed in said rules post age 25. i think that men who post and follow such rules in their later 20's are just jealous of the men who seem to be able to maintain their manhood and yet be attentive, loving, and emotional to the woman they love . being in love and not being afraid to admit it is one of the most masculine and sexy things a guy can do. much more sexy than throwing back beers on the ripped and stained couch. the strong yet sensitive type is difficult to master but you can do it. just stop living by these stupid rules or you'll be alone forever. the only girls who fall for that crap are the aforementioned overly psycho and emotional ones. the good ones will just get fed up and eventually leave (and end up hating you) and then, when you're 35 and either alone or married to an emotional uber-bitch because she's all that was left, you'll wish you hadn't treated one of the good ones like shit all because you had some sort of ego to protect. take it from me. i've walked out on several a boy who seemed to be following this exact code. it hurts though and yes, it makes us cry when we're alone. is this really how you want to be remembered? the asshole who purposely treated his girlfriend like shit in order to make her like him more? all that will do (if i haven't made my point clear enough yet) is keep the ones around that you don't want to keep around.
By
Anonymous, at 8:44 AM, November 17, 2004
sorry the above anonymous post was by me, jeanie. i forgot my name didn't automatically attach. thanks for the compliment though of me being a "real prize". you're a real "classy guy" i'm sure. (sarcasm duly noted)
By
Anonymous, at 10:22 AM, November 17, 2004
As intended, much debate has been sparked. Like T.O. with the Sharpie (or the pom-poms, or the sign-ripping, or the "Desperate Housewives" spoof on MNF), our mission of entertainment via gross self-promotion has produced the desired effect. To the ladies who have read and responded: I'm sure that were you to actually talk live and in person with either myself or Banner, you'd find that we're in fact vastly different than the mindless meat-eaters you see us as right now. Truth be told, we had a ton of fun writing that little piece, just as we've enjoyed cultivating the rules themselves while engrossed in a beirut game or ten. We're having FUN here people. Apply whatever level of seriousness you choose. As always, we welcome the feedback, and we'll happily give your opinions their just analysis.
- Gramps
By
Anonymous, at 10:42 AM, November 17, 2004
it's all fun and games until some guy actually FOLLOWS these rules...
By
DutchGirl, at 1:08 PM, November 17, 2004
Time for me to address some of female comments:
KLE - I can't speak for Banner, but rest assured that I harbor no bitterness.
Watch how you criticize football, especially here, as it's more revered than you can possibly imagine. While the sport may seem chaotic to you, please understand that it's a controlled chaos. There is so much game-planning and strategizing and chess piece movement that were you to engross yourself in the sport, it would make your head spin. Formations, coverages, zone blitzes, West Coast offenses... it's complicated as hell. But not indecipherable. Perhaps what you need is a patient guy who's willing to spend the time to explain it all to you. Just ask, I'm sure you'll find some takers.
As far as the "blind devotion", it sounds to me like you may have some lingering misplaced resentment. Could it be that a past or current boyfriend has displayed more devotion to his hometown team than to you? I've seen that scenario many times before. From the female perspective, it seems like a guy is more passionate about his favorite team/car/video game/beer than he is about his significant other. That however, is rarely the case. Instead, guys merely use those things as a means of escape from random female inconsistencies. (Please refer to the latter portion of Rule #3 for more extensive analysis.) It's definitely better to take that frustration out on the TV screen. Just let him vent that way and nobody ends up crying.
Now then, I gotta say that I LOVE your summary of the rules. It's absolutely true that we hate change. Males are creatures of habit. We plan and we organize. We like concrete and steel, things that are lasting and durable. Emotions, on the other hand, are neither. They're fleeting and elusive, two adjectives that we'd prefer never be a part of our lives. Look, we don't "make an effort" to understand girls because they're INCOMPREHENSIBLE. Maybe if you'd actually stick to a decision (if you can even come to one to begin with), then we'd start seeing a pattern in your behavior and be able to understand you. Shit, I don't even know why you need to try on 10 different outfits before we go out for dinner, so how the hell am I supposed to understand your rapidly changing emotional status? How about being in the same mood for longer than 2 minutes? It would certainly go a long way toward helping us finally figure you out.
(From now on, I will refer to myself as Ice Man. Thank you for the new moniker KLE.)
Jeanie - Allow me to quote Obi-Wan, "Your insight serves you well." Clearly, you have the game figured out. There is indeed a post-college change required in order for a guy to secure the affection of a lady who we wants to both hang out with AND take back to the bedroom. But it's a fine line. Like boxers who exchange jabs for the first few rounds to get a feel for each other's fighting styles, you need to tread carfeully with how much you reveal. If you come out of the corner throwing wild haymakers, you'll just tire yourself out early and get whupped in the later rounds. Likewise, if you immediately show a girl that you can be supportive of her probelms at work, or that you're able to discuss openly how much you admire your father's blue collar work ethic, or any other overly sentimental "in touch with your emotions" side, then you're ripe to get walked on. So we as guys tend to promote the frat dog side of our personality first. If you stick around and show a miminal interest in that side, then maybe you'll get the pay off too. Just prove to us you can weather the storm without collapsing first.
Now Jeanie, you propose 25 as the age when we gentlemen should do away with all the obnoxious bluster. Isn't that slightly arbitrary? I mean, aren't we all affected by persoanl experience? If the nonsense I pulled in college is still attracting fun hot girls, then aren't I likely to keep that act on stage? (See KLE's comment for her explanation of "male change avoidance behavior".) With your deep undertsnading of the game, you feel no remorse in dishing out a stiff arm to any guy who doesn't fit your "strong yet sensitive" criteria. For that, I applaud you. If you can convince the rest of your sex to do the same, you just may end up in the enviable position of looking for hay in a haystack. Until then, the rules shall rule.
- Ice Man
By
Anonymous, at 5:57 PM, November 17, 2004
Well, it is my blog, I guess it's about high time I chime in on the battle of the century.
I find myself in the unenviable position of agreeing nearly wholeheartedly with everything Gramps and Banner say in their treatise, yet being a "girl" when it comes to relationships myself.
Though I am extremely open with my emotions, and I'm not afraid to proclaim my love for a girl, or even a heavy "liking," and I thoroughly believe that the intra-relationship decision-making processes is decidedly equal in power-share, I'm incredibly luckless when it comes to taking the big trip into Girlfriendville. I've been the first to say "I love you." I'm quite comfortable with crying. I like to talk out issues and problems (RA Style). I always ask how her day was. I hold doors and bring flowers, sometimes for no reason. Write poetry? Check. Draw pictures? Check. I'm pretty good with problem solving and making her feel better about herself, and I give "too many compliments."
And I am as single as the day is long. And have been, for four years now.
In actuality, I am the mayor of Bestfriendstown. The first rule is so accurate, that it hurts. I think that women want a man's man who makes decisions and sticks with them, not a shoulder to cry on. At least, not at first. As my OKCupid profile so eloquently states, guys like me (the emotional, less logical, foolheartidly hopelessly romantic types that are often branded as "melodramatic girls") are always considered "a shoulder to cry on, but never a penis to hold."
I have been left with no other alternative than to agree that once you let a girl into your head, all bets are off. Once they know that you like them more than they like you, you're basically done for, because women, whether they realize it or not, will use that to their every advantage. Will I follow this rule? Probably not. I'm not really the type to keep my feelings in. In fact, I can't do it at all. It happens to eat at me until I start to resemble something of an asshole. So you can see my predicament.
The second rule's another I'll probably continue to break. It doesn't bother me to say "I love you" first, just so long as I'm sure that I feel that way. Just don't ask me if I've ever gotten the desired response. I've never said it much, to be sure, but the fact remains, I say it first (and NO, i don't say it early and often), and I'm still single.
Third rule, "Girls are dumb." I can see why you ladies have gotten so riled up over this terminology. But I think that you're getting pissed over being called "dumb," when the usage is clearly in jest, and not pointing to intellegence at all. Instead, I think this particular usage of "dumb" is from a guy's perspective. In that, "the girl can't see things the way I see it, hence, she's dumb. stupid girl." See-- not inflammatory, just bewilderedly sarcastic.
The truth is, ladies, that you AREN'T logical. For instance, you like the bad guys, because you think/hope you can change them. And don't even get me started on the Friendzone.
Too late. Ahh, the Friendzone. Where hopeless romantics go to die. The Friendzone is the dangerous territory where Guy X doesn't get a shot, no matter how logical it may seem, or how many of your friends might suggest you give him one, because "we're too good of friends." I'll admit, it works both ways, across genders. But let's be honest, they make A LOT MORE sitcom/movie characters where the Guy can't get the girl because he's her best friend than they do the opposite. And why? Because it rings true. Usually, when a guy sees a+b, he realizes that it equals 'c.' That taking the next step makes SENSE. However, I have found, in my many travels, poor schmuck after poor schmuck who finds himself in the a+b position with a girl who will flat out refuse to ever see 'c.'
And that's why we say you're "dumb." Because we dont' get it, and we never will. Because while the guy you're dating (let's call him "the asshole") is treating you like shit, and the Friendzoner is giving you pep talk after pep talk, he's secretly lost and frustrated that things are going that way. That he's even in such a ridiculous position in the first place. (Again, this happens both ways, but i TRULY believe it happens to guys more than girls. I've seen it, I've lived it.)
So what's the point of all this? I don't know. Are the guys on this blog bitter? Probably so, I know them all. And I know how often some of the guys here have been screwed. And I know that, for the record, they're all GOOD GUYS. They're all the guys you probably wouldn't want to date, because you're mom would like them too much, or you could see yourself marrying them, or it's too easy. Women are like Bob Villa, y'all love a good fix'er upper.
Truth be told, as Marc said, if we didn't see sweet girl after sweet girl roll with asshole after asshole, y'all might make a tad more sense to us. But frankly, that's never going to change, is it? Yes, us melodramatic Anti-rules guys realize that we're too open sometimes, and that most of you ladies probably think we're weak. But the fact of the matter is that we're us, and we're proud of it, and even if we wanted to change, and follow Banner and Staubbies rules and be tougher, we wouldn't be able to, or it would kill us to try.
In essence, I guess my point is this: speaking as a guy who is the antethisis of these three rules, I side with the rules, because my way doesn't work. And that's why we get so bitter/jaded (just like I'm sure you all think I am.. sorry about that, it's been a tumultious November Sweeps on Adam:The Series), because when neanderthal man's man rules like these come along, and all you girls disagree and cry bloody murder, we can't help but call shenanegins, because we're pretty sure we're doing what you want us to do -- that we fit the proverbial mold, yet we're going home to sleep alone every night.
And honestly, some good points were made by you ladies, especially Jeanie's point about there being a fine line and a special balance to being a 'strong and sensitive' guy, but Marc's knocked it out of the park. When y'all start dating the nice guys, the one's that would cherish every second of being around you, that'd treat you like gold with legs, and stop wasting your time with the assholes, maybe we'll stop trying to adopt asshole traits in a desperate hope to find the key to your enigmatic minds. In the meantime, maybe what we all need are more open discourses like these. Maybe we all just need to start putting everything on the table from the get-go? But then, that would take all the fun out of "the game," right? And we couldn't POSSIBLY have that.
be good to each other
-apk
By
apk, at 8:42 PM, November 17, 2004
Well said APK. You hit the target on absolutely everything. And as you've obviously been down all the wrong roads before, it's impossible for the ladies to dismiss your opinions.
Keep in mind everyone that there are more rules to come next week. Yes, that's right, the Supplemental Rules!!! If this week is any indication, we may break the record for comments on a post. What is the record, by the way? APK - you keep track of anything like that?
- Ice Man
By
Anonymous, at 10:21 AM, November 18, 2004
Ugh, I can't take it. So many generalizations, so little time. And you know what? Mostly, I disagree with the premise that guys are logical and girls are emotional. Nobody seems to go after "the right one," because logic doesn't enter into the situation. I've seen plenty of you "sensitive" guys dating total bitches; I've seen plenty of "nice" girls dating total assholes. And just because guys have been socialized to hold in emotions more than girls, doesn't mean they aren't playing into their decisions. Perhaps it all just comes down to the fact that we all need to meet different people; we all need to give different people the time of day. But then again, maybe that's too logical...
By
DutchGirl, at 11:20 PM, November 18, 2004
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