WINTER BREAKout! II- "You're Going to Find that Many of the Truths We Cling to Depend Greatly on Their Own Point of View"

Well, as promised, here's a member of the female species' persepctive of guys and dating. For ther record, these were actually concocted before Banner and Grampy shared their wisdom with us. Like I said, interesting stuff. But I'll spare you my thoughts until a little later.

Without further ado:

Feminine Rules of Civil Romantic Procedure

1. If you're gonna be a dick, then act that way from the very beginning. Don't get our hopes up by pretending like you're not a huge douchebag- we don't have high expectations for you to begin with, so chances are that you'll live up to them anyway.

2. I LOVE YOU. Really? Do ya? Don't say it unless you mean it with every fiber of your beer guzzling, card playing, porn watching being. Girls hear EVERYTHING. If you ARE going to throw out the "I love you" but actually mean it, it would be wise to make sure that you are:(a) not drunk(b) not dating someone else, and(c) not out of your fucking mind if you think she's gonna give up her life and settle down with you in your one room basement apartment in Baltimore.Exception to Rule 2: If WE say it when we're drunk, do not hold it against us. We're women, we're emotional creatures, and we really just like hearing those three magic words come out of our mouths. If we want to forget that it ever happened, just go with it. But remember that it's still thrown out there, and maybe you should kick it up an emotional notch.

3. Do not say anything of importance over any means of electronic or telecommunication. IM, e-mail, phone, text messages- don't do it. If we wanted to date someone that could only talk in cyberspace, we would spend our time at the National Scrabble Championship trying to bag that, at least getting some of that sweet prize money in the process.

4. Do not, under any circumstances, offer to take out a girl for lunch and then pay for it, unless you want to get into her pants. If you do want to get in her pants, don't beat around the bush. (Pun intentional.) The general rule is: if she lets you pay for her, the odds are extremely high in your favor that she is willing to put out. Do not let this opportunity go to waste.Addendum: Despite the good odds of getting some, do not assume that you are "owed" because at the time you offered to treat the girl to a meal, a piece of clothing, or some other monetary expenditure. THIS IS A GIFT. Treat it as such. If you were to keep a running tab of what you paid for and then throw it in the face of the girl at a later date, this is a guaranteed kick in the balls, loss of all sexual privileges, and potential loss of entire relationship.

5. Unless you are gay, do not assume that a girl just wants to be friends. She does not.Addendum: If you are gay, please tell us right away, and don't wait two years until we are hinging our law school decisions on your every fruity whim. Or at least lie to us until we're dead and just help us match our purses to our shoes until then- either way. And chances are if you're in an a cappella group, wear mesh shirts, and like NSync, you're probably gay.

6. If you are ever in a situation where there is an event that you and a female will both be attending, do not discuss ANY aspect of the event with her unless you intend on asking her to go with you. This goes double if it is a formal event.

7. When your ex-girlfriend calls you because she is drunk and/or horny and/or bored, she doesn't want to get back together with you. Girls like to just get ass sometimes too.

8. Don't claim to be macho/self-assertive/independent when we meet you then cave every time we offer an opinion. The phrase "I don't know...what do you want to do?" is not a turn-on. This can be remembered with the simple tort BPL format. The (B)urden of your whiny ass = (P)robable (L) loss of girlfriend.

9. For the love of christ, wife beaters are not actual clothing! They always have been and always should be considered underwear. UNDERwear. Get it? Please do not belive that you a. look good or b. look macho and tough or c. have nice arms that all the ladies want to see. You do not. You look like an ass and unless you are a professional football player, trust us, your arms rival those of Mr. PotatoHead.

10. Don't scratch your balls in public. Ever. No exceptions to this rule. You itch, thats your thing, we dont want to know about it. Not only that, doing it in public will only lead us to belive that you have crabs or the clap and we will waste no time informing our female colleagues of what we suspect, thus ruining your chances of getting laid in the next 10 years.

11. You know the old addage you guys follow: date bad, marry good? Well we have our own simliar mantra: Date bad, marry bad. And rich. Yes, its true nice guys finish last. But its not that we don't like a good guy- we do. We just need him to be at least a little bad. A HUGE turnon. Especially if he's the good kind of bad in the bedroom. And if you feel like you're lacking on the badness, don't worry, you can easily make up for lack of bad with money. Don't get all insulted, the need for wealth is pure Darwinism. When looking for a mate, the female species looks for the male who can support her offspring. A guy with a healthy checking account will be able to clothe, feed, and support our kids. And he can afford a nanny. And a maid.

12. Doctrine of "supplemental" jurisdiction, wherein it is totally "permissive" for the girlfriend to go out with another guy, but which excludes the boyfriend from going out with a girl "friend." This is because in the history of mankind, and even animal kind, it's always the guy who cheats and he needs more rules than we do.

Whaddya think?
-apk