"Smile Like You Mean It"
Rob Mackowiak just hit a grand slam to continue to improve at the torrid pace he's been on since May 2d. I'm so happy about it, that it didn't even bug me to realize that I went to last night's game and am going to tommorrow's game, and of course he had to hit a grand slam tonight. No, I'm too awash in the glory of my favourite player, and how quickly he's becoming a) legit, and b) one of Pittsburgh's favourites.
Really, it's weird, but there are very very few things that bring a smile to my face quite like when Rob excells. You know, one of those smiles where you lose control of your face, and just can't help but put on one huge, Nicholson-as-Joker grimmace.
Saturday I experienced one of those things...
...She came to graduation.
I wanted to write about it all sooner, but it's been one big tumultuous week-and-a half, I'm exhausted, wired, and confused about everything. Seriously, my mind is one big cyclone of thought, and I'm having a hard time sorting through all the wreckage while concentrating on the Bar. Something had to give, my inner serenity was that thing.
It's been a reflective time, if you haven't noticed. I'm sure you're all used to me getting this way around big "events" like my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Graduation, etc... but believe me, I don't. I think that by now I'd get used to sorting out all the feelings and just going with the flow, but it hasn't been happening. The weirdest part is that it hasn't made me sad or indifferent, or troubled, just...jumbled. Yeah, I guess jumbled is the best word. I've been all mixed up in emotions and hopes and fears and regrets and failures and successes, that I really wasn't taking the time to breathe and enjoy what I was going through. And then the graduation speaker took the stage.
I was worried she was going to give a typical lawyer-speech about ethics and changing the world. Instead, she captivated me, first by advising us to "watch out for grown up's disease" and just enjoy the accomplishment of the day, and then by telling us not to be afraid to "cut our hands" and do all the hard work necessary to feel joy. "You really can buy happiness," the speaker-lady said, "because happiness is cheap." It's joy that takes hard work. So she encouraged us to feel joy on Saturday, if only for a day, because of how hard we had worked to achieve it. With that, everything I wrote about last week melted away, and I just enjoyed my day. I basked in moments like when we sat in the middle of the hall, and everyone in the two-tiers of seats applauded us. It was the second time in my life I felt like I was sitting in the center of the universe.
Did I mention that she came? I decided to just enjoy that, too. Truth be told, we had had a shaky Friday night. I won't get into it, because it's just not right to do so, but I'll say that though I had hoped, on Thursday, she would come to Commencement, I was sure when I awoke Saturday that she wouldn't. I had gone and made the whole idea too hard. I had gone and made our little world too big and real again.
I won't lie. Saturday morning, I checked her away message about every seventeen seconds to see if it had changed, looking for any sign that she was awake. That maybe, just maybe, she would come. That maybe, just maybe, she had read the Thursday post, and finally knew how much I truly wanted her to be there. By the time I had left my house, I was convinced that she wasn't coming. So much so, that when my mom said to me, "it was really nice of [her] to come, huh?" I refused to believe it was real. I refused to look into the audiotorium and see her there, because I was certain my mom had confused her with someone else (keep in mind my mom doesn't really know her, and until yesterday, thought I was moving in with Jeanie, not Elise...). Instead, I just waited until I entered the hall. I looked over to my family (super-props to her for sitting with them) and saw her sitting there, smiling at me. And I know I had one of the Top-Six biggest smiles of my entire life.
So when the lady told us all to just enjoy that day, and experience joy, that's what I did. I blocked out feelings of future-dread and past failures. I forgot about what it felt like in first year Contracts, starting each day sad, scared, and worried about what would happen to us (though I put that aside, saving it for this week of Bar/Bri (we can't get through K's and Sales fast enough)). I just focused on that smile, and that night with the stars, and all the other good feelings, and how much it meant to fight that hard, just to get that smile. I talked last week about how another graduation without her was a mark of my failure, and even though she still wasn't with me on Saturday, she was actually right there with me. And that'll be more than enough for now. I'll probably never know what made her decide to come, because she's not one to share such things, but I really don't care, anyhow. She was there, and I got to look at her from the stage. And I got to have another one of those smiles.
And I hope she had one too.
'night all, I'll tell you about the rest of graduation sometime soon.
-apk
Really, it's weird, but there are very very few things that bring a smile to my face quite like when Rob excells. You know, one of those smiles where you lose control of your face, and just can't help but put on one huge, Nicholson-as-Joker grimmace.
Saturday I experienced one of those things...
...She came to graduation.
I wanted to write about it all sooner, but it's been one big tumultuous week-and-a half, I'm exhausted, wired, and confused about everything. Seriously, my mind is one big cyclone of thought, and I'm having a hard time sorting through all the wreckage while concentrating on the Bar. Something had to give, my inner serenity was that thing.
It's been a reflective time, if you haven't noticed. I'm sure you're all used to me getting this way around big "events" like my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Graduation, etc... but believe me, I don't. I think that by now I'd get used to sorting out all the feelings and just going with the flow, but it hasn't been happening. The weirdest part is that it hasn't made me sad or indifferent, or troubled, just...jumbled. Yeah, I guess jumbled is the best word. I've been all mixed up in emotions and hopes and fears and regrets and failures and successes, that I really wasn't taking the time to breathe and enjoy what I was going through. And then the graduation speaker took the stage.
I was worried she was going to give a typical lawyer-speech about ethics and changing the world. Instead, she captivated me, first by advising us to "watch out for grown up's disease" and just enjoy the accomplishment of the day, and then by telling us not to be afraid to "cut our hands" and do all the hard work necessary to feel joy. "You really can buy happiness," the speaker-lady said, "because happiness is cheap." It's joy that takes hard work. So she encouraged us to feel joy on Saturday, if only for a day, because of how hard we had worked to achieve it. With that, everything I wrote about last week melted away, and I just enjoyed my day. I basked in moments like when we sat in the middle of the hall, and everyone in the two-tiers of seats applauded us. It was the second time in my life I felt like I was sitting in the center of the universe.
Did I mention that she came? I decided to just enjoy that, too. Truth be told, we had had a shaky Friday night. I won't get into it, because it's just not right to do so, but I'll say that though I had hoped, on Thursday, she would come to Commencement, I was sure when I awoke Saturday that she wouldn't. I had gone and made the whole idea too hard. I had gone and made our little world too big and real again.
I won't lie. Saturday morning, I checked her away message about every seventeen seconds to see if it had changed, looking for any sign that she was awake. That maybe, just maybe, she would come. That maybe, just maybe, she had read the Thursday post, and finally knew how much I truly wanted her to be there. By the time I had left my house, I was convinced that she wasn't coming. So much so, that when my mom said to me, "it was really nice of [her] to come, huh?" I refused to believe it was real. I refused to look into the audiotorium and see her there, because I was certain my mom had confused her with someone else (keep in mind my mom doesn't really know her, and until yesterday, thought I was moving in with Jeanie, not Elise...). Instead, I just waited until I entered the hall. I looked over to my family (super-props to her for sitting with them) and saw her sitting there, smiling at me. And I know I had one of the Top-Six biggest smiles of my entire life.
So when the lady told us all to just enjoy that day, and experience joy, that's what I did. I blocked out feelings of future-dread and past failures. I forgot about what it felt like in first year Contracts, starting each day sad, scared, and worried about what would happen to us (though I put that aside, saving it for this week of Bar/Bri (we can't get through K's and Sales fast enough)). I just focused on that smile, and that night with the stars, and all the other good feelings, and how much it meant to fight that hard, just to get that smile. I talked last week about how another graduation without her was a mark of my failure, and even though she still wasn't with me on Saturday, she was actually right there with me. And that'll be more than enough for now. I'll probably never know what made her decide to come, because she's not one to share such things, but I really don't care, anyhow. She was there, and I got to look at her from the stage. And I got to have another one of those smiles.
And I hope she had one too.
'night all, I'll tell you about the rest of graduation sometime soon.
-apk
1 Comments:
what is it with moms? my mom insists on telling people that i'm moving in with mindy and andrew, instead of julie and adam. is it really so difficult?
By
*em*, at 10:04 AM, June 03, 2005
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