GOING POSTAL: The Return

The views expressed in this column do not, and should not be, attributed, associated, or credited to apk, the Kingdom, or any of its subsidiaries. These are just the opinions of a raving mad man. Buckle up.

 

ATTENTION HIPPIES, I AM HERE TO STAY SO GET USED TO IT.  AFTER READING THE FIRST SENTENCE OF MY COLUMN, THE RATINGS SPIKE ON THIS WEBSITE WAS SO LARGE, THAT BLOGSPOT HAD TO DEDICATE AN ENTIRE SERVER JUST FOR WEDNESDAY NIGHT/ THURSDAY MORNING ATOM13 BLOGSPOT TRAFFIC.   

 

I'M BACK AND DAMMIT I'M HERE TO STAY.  AND IF I GO DOWN, I'M GOING DOWN IN A BLAZE OF GLORY, AND I'M TAKING THE WHOLE KINGDOM WITH ME.

 

THE FIRST QUESTION I HAVE UPON MY RETURN:  WAS A-WAL IN NEW ORLEANS LAST WEEK WHEN KATRINA HIT?  SHE WASN'T?  OH WELL, A DREAM HAS DIED TODAY. 

 

(commence getting all the CAPSLOCK jokes out of your system).  Anyway, here it is.  

 

BIG BEN STRIKES INFANCY

 

Here we goooooo…

Here we goooooo…

Here we go Stillers, Here we go

ROEOSOTRAHELRSISBURGER ain't goin to da superbowl.

 

Big Ben has a blog.  Please, If anyone is alive out there, please do not let ben reorgherlsburger anywhere near a blog anymore.   Dead people posted on it saying "booorrriinnggg".  If I was ben's teammate, I would print his blog entries, and post the wisdom and genius all over the locker room.   Then the Steelers would go 0-16 because they will laugh themselves into such a vegetative state that Terri Schaivo would grunt "WOW, those dudes' are retarded".

 

Now please, fasten yourseat belts, tuck the kids in bed, and nail the windows of your house shut. Here is a clip from the exhilaration blog of one Big ben 7:

 

Hello again everyone sorry it has been a couple of days since my last blog, I have been kinda busy with practice and things. I hope this blog finds everyone doing well and I hope that everyone is having a great week .

We had our second practice of the week today and it went really well. I feel that we are looking good on both sides of the ball. Everyone is pretty healthy and it is great to have the Bus back out there on the field. Alan Faneca has not been here for a couple of days because of his pregnant wife so everyone keep he and his family in your thoughts. I know he would appreciate your support.   

 

A couple of us went to dinner last night. We went to Nakoma (I don't know if I spelled it right) but it was really good. It was my first time there and the sushi was great. I took Heath so that we could talk in the car a little on the way over there and I could answer some of his questions..p.s. he's going to be great!!

 

OH MY GOD PLEASE SHUT YOUR MOUTH IMMEDIATELY.  I WANT TO KILL MYSELF FOR ACCIDENTALLY READING THIS MIND NUMBING SEPTIC WASTE.   WHAT WAS I THINKING?  WOW IT'S A BLOG OF AN NFL STARTING QUARTERBACK, THIS HAS TO BE INTERESTING!  NOPE.   I DON'T THINK SO.  THIS GUY CERTAINLY DOES NOT GIVE MY RACE ANY STREET CRED, OR ANY CREDIT FOR THAT MATTER.  SO BEN, OPEN YOUR BIBLE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH, AND DON'T SMASH UP YOUR HARLEY.   

 

  I WAS REQUIRED TO WRITE IN A JOURNAL EVERDAY WHEN I WAS 8 (because I was a bad ass child) and here is a clip of that:  

 

Hi everyone, I went to school today.  I played soccer during morning recess but I didn't score. During afternoon recess we played soccer again and I scored a goal!   Then I came home.  Traffic was bad but I got home ok.  I had chicken for dinner and it was YUMMY!   Then I watched T.V. and it was good.  Then I brushed my teeth.  Then after that I put on my  Jammies, then after that, I got in bed.   Then after that, I said my prayers to Jesus.  Then I went to bed. 

 

HEY BEN, TAKE LESSONS FROM 8 YEAR OLD ALEX URAM AND STOP THINKING YOU HAVE WRITING SKILLS.  Have someone proof read your blog a.k.a. HAVE SOMEONE ELSE WRITE IT WHO ACTUALLY HAS A FUNCTIONING MIND.   3 2 1  1 2 3 what the heck is bothering me…..

 

BEN ROETEHTRLISBURGERS'S BLOG MUST BE STOPPED. 

 

 

Ahh that's a lot better.  Anyway,

 

With that said, here is my 2005 NFL absolute stone cold prophecy.  If you go over my record from last season, you saw that I was, for the most part, correct in all my predictions.  If you disagree with my assessment than you are obviously wrong.        

 

 

Let me just start off by making one thing perfectly clear.  The Carolina Panthers, in no way, shape, or form, will represent the NFC in Super Bowl XL.   First of all, this team isn't even going to win their division, and secondly, there is no way they can win three road playoff games. 

 

Patriots  12-4  Wearing a huge sweatshirt did not win them 3 bowls, the coordinators did. They wont get back to the superbowl.  

Jets        10-6  This team can turn heads and possibly win the division.   Too bad Chad pennington is a pussy.

Bills        8-8  Have you seen the mugshot of J.P. Lousman?  No team that has a QB with down syndrome will make the playoffs. 

Dolphins 4-12  Hey, hey, hey.   Smoke weed everyday.

 

Steelers 11-5  Big Ben will slump a little, but his team's success rides on the health of the running backs.  

Ravens 9-7  Best defense, WORST QUARTERBACK.   This team's movie was pretty big at the box office this summer and I would take Adam Sandler over Kyle Boller any day of the week.   If the Ravens win the north, it will be a crime.  

Bengals 7-9  Carson Palmer is a stone cold stiff   Bengals better drink their Jesus Juice and ride John Kitna to the playoffs. 

Browns 2-14  They could have at least got new uniforms so they can lose in style.

 

Colts 13-3  Home field advantage = superbowl.    Road Playoff game= Immediate loss.

Jaguars  10-6  This is another "cool pick" like the Panthers.   Expect them to just miss the playoffs.

Texans 6-10  Another year, another losing season.

Titans 5-11  Steve McNair can play against Bret Favre in the Sunday night football announcers circle jerk bowl.  

 

Raiders 11-5   Even with Kerry Collins, This team's offense is ridiculous.   Their defense is much improved too.  They will go 11-4 after getting crushed by the Pats in week 1. 

Chargers 11-5  Another solid team.  This entire division is up for grabs. 

Chiefs  9-7  Still no defense.   Dick Vermeil will continue to ball his eyes out.

Broncos 8-8  Someone has to come in last in this division.. eeenie,   meenie.. miniee…

 

Eagles 14-2  Absolutely Dominant.  "I LOVE DONOVAN" says T.O.  This team is the living incarnation of the fear of God.   

Cowboys 9-7 I am praying to meet this team in the playoffs so their cockroach fans can go to hell.   (I would say something infinitely more explicit if I wasn't on nips's blog)

  Redskins  6-10   This team has no hope.  Joe Theismann proved he is an idiot by picking this team to win the NFC.

Giants 6-10  Eli will set the league record for number of tearful halftime calls to his daddy.  

 

Vikings 11-5  Surprisingly, they will be better without Moss.   Too bad their coach has not and will not evolve.  Hey Discovery channel, I FOUND THE MISSING LINK.

Packers  8-8  Which of Bret's family member is going to die this year so that Bret's team is the sentimental superbowl favorite?

Lions  6-10  This team would lose to a team of Girl scouts.   My gaydar is going crazy.

Bears  5-11  Well Jack, at least you aren't a dolphins fan.   

 

Falcons 11-5  Vick will finally be exposed as a below average passing quarterback but because of this conference, he will still get his team to the brink.

Panthers 10-6  The sexy, left wing, hippie pick of 2005!   Eat shit Stuart Scott, get your lazy eye fixed. 

Buccaneers 7-9  In 2002, Tampa Bay Robbed Peter to pay Paul.  Yeah, Peter is pissed.

Saints 5-11  Wouldn't it be hilarious if this team won home field advantage throughout the playoffs?? AS:DHASJKLDBADHBSHDBDASHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

 

 

Rams 10-6  Worst division in football.

Seahawks 9-7 Joke Division.

Cardinals 7-9  This team actually could win the division.

49ers 1-15  My pick- USC 52, 49ers 21

 

Here is more truth:

 

Wild Card:

Cowboys Def. Rams

Panthers Def Vikings

Steelers Def. Chargers

Jets Def. Raiders

 

Divisional Playoff:

Eagles Def. Cowboys

Falcons Def. Panthers

Steelers Def Patriots

Colts Def Jets

 

NFC Championship:

Eagles Def. Falcons

 

AFC Championship:

Colts Def. Steelers

 

Superbowl XL

Eagles Def. Colts

38-31

 

There it is.  Put it in between Acts of the Apostles and Paul's letter to the Romans because my word is scripture.   Anyway, its good to be back here on the worst blog ever created.

 

I leave you with the most hilarious quote of the week:

 

"GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE."

 

-Kanye West.

 

Until next week,

ALEX  URAM.