INDEPENDENCE DAY: Brought to YOU by Apartheid Ale, the Beer of the Descriminating Drinker
Well, Marc and Kup have been around the blog for about 20 minutes now, and they both took time to chastise me today for not writing about Independence Day with the d-Generation.
Never being one to cause controversy or upset my loyal listeners, and feeling a little guilty for getting sappy today, I’ve decided to oblige them and give a recap of the weekend that was the 4th. (and in honesty, it’s all finally starting to come back to me now, anyway).
The story begins with 16 fluid ounces of red-cupped fury. My pledge class, d-Generation OX, all got together for the weekend in beautiful central PA. The eight of us (Buff, Bromberg, Kup, myself, Kurt, Jerry, Marc, and Taylor) have not all been together since graduation time, May 2002. I had to stay back here in the ‘burgh Friday night, so Kurt drove from Columbus, met Kup and Jerry, and headed out together. Similarly, Broms and Marc traveled from Boston together to Taylor’s house. Taylor, having recently returned from Ahghanistan, was excited to see all of us, I’m sure, and it was great to see him back home, and safe for now.
So Taylor’s brother throws a party for him on Saturday, which, as I noted, I missed. Apparently, sometime during the festivities, a water battle erupted. Jamie (who came up from Philly, despite being a year ahead of us), aka “Bruce Banner,” nailed Jerry in the face with a water balloon sometime during the fracas. It was at this point that Jerry reportedly went batshit, threw all of Kup and Kurt’s stuff out of his car, and sped away to his girlfriends. NOT, however, before getting revenge as it is best served. No, not as a cold dish, but in the forms of 16 FLUID OUNCES OF RED-CUPPED FURY! Seriously, he dumped a red cup full of icewater on Jamie’s car. The damage done to Banner’s Dodge Avenger was estimated at somewhere around 7,000 Afghanis. Thus, a new catch phrase was born.
The next day found me arriving right in time to watch Broms, Marc, and Kurt use their out-of-state IDs to purchase about 100 bucks worth of illegal fireworks. Once we made it to Buff’s dad’s house for some of the BEST PULLED PORK…. … … EVER, it was time for the random hilarity of Monkey Rocket Racing (Winner: Kupchelitis), random Boom Boom, and the Bottle Rocket that Marc shot at the neighbor’s car, “inadvertently” …rigggght.
After watching the Hot Dog eating contest on ESPN and a little Rocky V, it was time to head to Taylor’s financee, Mary’s house. There we stood in AWE of her father’s INCREDIBLE BASEMENT BAR, and ran in horror from the Wimeraner Humping Machine known as “Tasha.” Apparently FEMALE dogs will hump your leg, too, in order to show dominance. Banner, Kurt, and I were all fortunate enough to learn this the hard way. On the plus side, it was the most action I’ve had in a while.
We then headed out to Harrisburg, where, besides witnessing the worst display of fireworks in, well.. pretty much all of recorded history, we found ourselves a bar, and rang up an 80 tab! (yeah.. 80 bucks sounds like nothing for 7 people, because it WASN’T—beer’s just THAT CHEAP in Hburgh).
Considering we pretty much all got hammered, of course you know some great catchphrases were born, some of which include:
-“More Cowbell”—from the famous Will Ferrell SNL skit for “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” Basically, you can use it to describe what everything and anything in the world lacks. It’s become especially perfect to describe a less- than –attractive girl, “she could use about 6 more cowbells.”
-“Good Enough for Government Work”—one of my favorites. You use this to describe any girl just cute enough for you to consider taking home with you.
-“TOUCHE!” (must be accompanied with appropriate “throw your hands in the air” gesture)—stolen from Ben Stiller in Dodgeball, perfect for any situation where someone makes any strong point. Replacing such time-honored phrases as “good push” or “strong point”
Other great moments included my idea for the reality show “CASE RACE” where a 64-team field competes, tourney-style, in head-to-head Case Races. However, following the completion of the beer, the team still has to traverse an ELIMINATOR-style obstacle course. Also, you’ve not lived until you driven through a SWANKY development with 6 people crammed into a Dodge Stratus at 3 AM, if only to set off a HUGE tube of fireworks.
All-in-all, it was a fantastic, whirlwind of a weekend, bringing us together at last. Although, all 8 of us were not together at once, because of our furious water bandit. I’m sure I’ve forgotten a LOAD of funny stories and moments, but that’s what the “post a comment” link is for. I warn you, though, here in my Kingdom, NO ONE calls me “shermanator” without getting their post deleted.
Hope that worked for you, Marcus.
Everybody else, talk to you soon—Go Pubbers! (We’re inching our way towards the playoffs with a big game tonight)
-apk
Never being one to cause controversy or upset my loyal listeners, and feeling a little guilty for getting sappy today, I’ve decided to oblige them and give a recap of the weekend that was the 4th. (and in honesty, it’s all finally starting to come back to me now, anyway).
The story begins with 16 fluid ounces of red-cupped fury. My pledge class, d-Generation OX, all got together for the weekend in beautiful central PA. The eight of us (Buff, Bromberg, Kup, myself, Kurt, Jerry, Marc, and Taylor) have not all been together since graduation time, May 2002. I had to stay back here in the ‘burgh Friday night, so Kurt drove from Columbus, met Kup and Jerry, and headed out together. Similarly, Broms and Marc traveled from Boston together to Taylor’s house. Taylor, having recently returned from Ahghanistan, was excited to see all of us, I’m sure, and it was great to see him back home, and safe for now.
So Taylor’s brother throws a party for him on Saturday, which, as I noted, I missed. Apparently, sometime during the festivities, a water battle erupted. Jamie (who came up from Philly, despite being a year ahead of us), aka “Bruce Banner,” nailed Jerry in the face with a water balloon sometime during the fracas. It was at this point that Jerry reportedly went batshit, threw all of Kup and Kurt’s stuff out of his car, and sped away to his girlfriends. NOT, however, before getting revenge as it is best served. No, not as a cold dish, but in the forms of 16 FLUID OUNCES OF RED-CUPPED FURY! Seriously, he dumped a red cup full of icewater on Jamie’s car. The damage done to Banner’s Dodge Avenger was estimated at somewhere around 7,000 Afghanis. Thus, a new catch phrase was born.
The next day found me arriving right in time to watch Broms, Marc, and Kurt use their out-of-state IDs to purchase about 100 bucks worth of illegal fireworks. Once we made it to Buff’s dad’s house for some of the BEST PULLED PORK…. … … EVER, it was time for the random hilarity of Monkey Rocket Racing (Winner: Kupchelitis), random Boom Boom, and the Bottle Rocket that Marc shot at the neighbor’s car, “inadvertently” …rigggght.
After watching the Hot Dog eating contest on ESPN and a little Rocky V, it was time to head to Taylor’s financee, Mary’s house. There we stood in AWE of her father’s INCREDIBLE BASEMENT BAR, and ran in horror from the Wimeraner Humping Machine known as “Tasha.” Apparently FEMALE dogs will hump your leg, too, in order to show dominance. Banner, Kurt, and I were all fortunate enough to learn this the hard way. On the plus side, it was the most action I’ve had in a while.
We then headed out to Harrisburg, where, besides witnessing the worst display of fireworks in, well.. pretty much all of recorded history, we found ourselves a bar, and rang up an 80 tab! (yeah.. 80 bucks sounds like nothing for 7 people, because it WASN’T—beer’s just THAT CHEAP in Hburgh).
Considering we pretty much all got hammered, of course you know some great catchphrases were born, some of which include:
-“More Cowbell”—from the famous Will Ferrell SNL skit for “Don’t Fear the Reaper.” Basically, you can use it to describe what everything and anything in the world lacks. It’s become especially perfect to describe a less- than –attractive girl, “she could use about 6 more cowbells.”
-“Good Enough for Government Work”—one of my favorites. You use this to describe any girl just cute enough for you to consider taking home with you.
-“TOUCHE!” (must be accompanied with appropriate “throw your hands in the air” gesture)—stolen from Ben Stiller in Dodgeball, perfect for any situation where someone makes any strong point. Replacing such time-honored phrases as “good push” or “strong point”
Other great moments included my idea for the reality show “CASE RACE” where a 64-team field competes, tourney-style, in head-to-head Case Races. However, following the completion of the beer, the team still has to traverse an ELIMINATOR-style obstacle course. Also, you’ve not lived until you driven through a SWANKY development with 6 people crammed into a Dodge Stratus at 3 AM, if only to set off a HUGE tube of fireworks.
All-in-all, it was a fantastic, whirlwind of a weekend, bringing us together at last. Although, all 8 of us were not together at once, because of our furious water bandit. I’m sure I’ve forgotten a LOAD of funny stories and moments, but that’s what the “post a comment” link is for. I warn you, though, here in my Kingdom, NO ONE calls me “shermanator” without getting their post deleted.
Hope that worked for you, Marcus.
Everybody else, talk to you soon—Go Pubbers! (We’re inching our way towards the playoffs with a big game tonight)
-apk
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