I AM THE LAW!: "Yankees Fans, Don't Fret!"
Well, Yankees Fans, the time has come to embrace the Cardinals. If you hate the Sox like I do, or just don't know who to root for, here's you Kingdom-approved "I'm a Cardinals fan for the next ten days Crib Sheet."
aka: why, if you don't know who to root for, you should root for the Redbirds.
I realize since they play in America's heartland, and rarely get any press/respect (they WERE picked to finish third in the Central this year) y'all may not realize why they're so worthy of being rooted for.1)
They're the NL Yankees
-they've won more World Series than any team in the NL. But only one in the last 35 years.-if their fans aren't the best in BASEBALL, they're the best in the NL. Always loud, always a full house, and ALWAYS decked in red. Plus, I think that I saw someone holding a Thunderstick in Game 1 of the NLCS get the shit kicked out of them.
-they're classy as the day is long. The unis have basically stayed the same since WWI, the ownership's classy and highly regarded, and all the players could be Yankees tomorrow: (ie: nice haircuts, clean shaven, hard nosed) this is a team you take home to mom (like the Yanks) not the circus (like the Boston freakshow).
-I'm pretty sure Torre used to coach them, and if Torre's not the best manager in baseball (which i think he is), then LaRussa (who, admittedly, can be a dick) IS. He's changed the entire way the game is played (for better or worse) over the last twenty years, and is a master tactician. If you like baseball-as-chess, LaRussa's your boy.
They play old school ball
-Although they bash the fuck out of the ball, putting it over the fence like it's going out of style, they can, as has become my catchphrase "beat you so many ways." NO TEAM runs the bases or plays smarter small-ball than the Cards. I know none of you watched Game 7 last night, but early, down 2 runs, they SQUEEZED in a run! Who Squeezes? Did anyone see the Sox try to bunt all series? Truly sad. They also mind-fucked Clemens into self-destructing last night, soley thanks to their running game. Plus- there's not a single player in baseball that bats better with Two strikes than Albert Pujols. But we'll get to him later.
A beer company used to own them.
-Sure, it's Anheuser-Busch, but whatever. It's better than the "former owners of the Florida Marlins." Need I remind you that the company that brings us Natty Lite is basically responsible for the St. Louis Cardinals.
No Theo Epstien, no faux-moneyball.
-Just Walt Jocketty, the best GM in baseball that gets absolutely no credit. Look at the castoffs he's brought to the team over the last six years:
Jim Edmonds (whom NO ONE wanted at the time, because they questioned his heart.)
Tony Womack (the only position player to ever have Tommy John surgery, everyone thought he was done. Last night, he showed how tough he was, making big play after big play WITH back spasms) Okay- i know you Yanks fans probably hate Womack from the 2001 WS, but you gotta let it go.
Daryl Kile (everyone gave him up for dead in Colorado. And although I just set up a REALLY bad joke there, I'm not even going to go after it.)
Reggie Sanders (the PIRATES didn't want him this year, and he's still gone out and had a sweet-ass year.)
Jeff Suppan (traded by the Bucs to the Sox, the Sox thought it better to keep Bronson fuckin Arroyo and his blonde cornrows than one of the classiest, smartest ballplayers I've ever heard give an interview). It's payback time...
The list goes on and on.
DEFENSE.
-They're starting nine has something like.. I dunno 22 gold gloves among them? They won four of the nine in the NL just last year.
-While we're talking defense, let's talk about the how TOUGH this team is. Look at the gritty blue-collar type players they have (as opposed to Jehri curl wearing, long-haired hippie nutbars):
Scott Rolen
Jim Edmonds
Albert Pujols
Mike Matheny
Larry Walker
Steve Kline
Edgar Renteria (SUPER-CLUTCH, who had a terrible NLCS, look for him to bust-out at the WS)
Julian Tavarez (who, admittedly, is a short-haired latin nutbar: he tried to rip the bullpen phone off the wall the other night, broke his had, didn't bitch about it, came out and threw lights out in Game 6 and 7: he's the Anti-Kevin Brown.)
Ray KingIf Biggie Smalls was a smoke throwing setup man, he'd look like this.
Albert Pujols (pronounced POOL-olse).
-They don't have Mark McGwire at first anymore, actually, they have someone BETTER. He's the best all-around hitter in baseball right now. I don't know how old he REALLY is, but statistically, NO ONE has ever had a better four-year run to start a career than him. NO ONE. He also can play four positions (LF, RF, 3B, 1B). He's clutch as all hell. He hit .500 for the NLCS.
SO Taguchi, the token Asian Player.
-take a second and say it out loud, "He's SOoooooooooooooooo Taguchi." That's just SOoooooooooooo Taguchi... fun, isn't it?
St Louis is one of the best, if not THE best baseball city in America.
-Free Agents go there because once they're traded there, they never want to leave. Only Boston, New York, and the Cubs are as ingrained in their cities' consciousness. However, there's other stuff to do in Boston and Chicago. St. Louis offers the Rams and Blues, but those teams barely have a following there, because everyone ADORES the Cardinals so much.
-I dont' want to hear about the long-suffering Red Sox fans. I know the Cards have won he second-most World Series of anyone, but none since 1982, which was the only one since they beat the Sox in 1967. The Sox haven't been there since 1986? Well, the Cards haven't been there since 1987.
-They also have the 10th highest payroll in baseball, because guys take paycuts to play there, and they find diamonds in the rough. By the way, all you Yankee haters who hate cuz they "buy their team" should note that the 81 Million the Cards pay this year is only slightly lower than the Red Sox.. if you consider over 40 MILLION DOLLARS slightly lower. The Cardinals could add THE ENTIRE PIRATES ROSTER to their payroll, and STILL not reach the Red Sox.
And finally:
EXTEND THE CURSE!
that should do. If anyone else out there still doesn't know who to root for, let me know, and I'll try to shed a little more light on the situation for you.
The Verdict? I think the Cards are more solid/less question-riddled all around the diamond. Isringhausen scares me, though. After the Yankees series, either Boston is wiped, or feels indestructible. I think the Cards are in for a fight, and I REALLY think it goes 7. It'll be interesting to see how things shakes out in games 3-5, because Ortiz or Millar ends up on the bench, serverely hurting the Sox lineup without a DH. However, Francona has NL Experience, just as LaRussa has AL Experience. LaRussa's teams have a history of choking in the Series though. This is going to be a good one, but I gotta go with my boys, and say:
Cardinals in Seven
In the meantime, be good to each other! and GO CARDS!
-apk
aka: why, if you don't know who to root for, you should root for the Redbirds.
I realize since they play in America's heartland, and rarely get any press/respect (they WERE picked to finish third in the Central this year) y'all may not realize why they're so worthy of being rooted for.1)
They're the NL Yankees
-they've won more World Series than any team in the NL. But only one in the last 35 years.-if their fans aren't the best in BASEBALL, they're the best in the NL. Always loud, always a full house, and ALWAYS decked in red. Plus, I think that I saw someone holding a Thunderstick in Game 1 of the NLCS get the shit kicked out of them.
-they're classy as the day is long. The unis have basically stayed the same since WWI, the ownership's classy and highly regarded, and all the players could be Yankees tomorrow: (ie: nice haircuts, clean shaven, hard nosed) this is a team you take home to mom (like the Yanks) not the circus (like the Boston freakshow).
-I'm pretty sure Torre used to coach them, and if Torre's not the best manager in baseball (which i think he is), then LaRussa (who, admittedly, can be a dick) IS. He's changed the entire way the game is played (for better or worse) over the last twenty years, and is a master tactician. If you like baseball-as-chess, LaRussa's your boy.
They play old school ball
-Although they bash the fuck out of the ball, putting it over the fence like it's going out of style, they can, as has become my catchphrase "beat you so many ways." NO TEAM runs the bases or plays smarter small-ball than the Cards. I know none of you watched Game 7 last night, but early, down 2 runs, they SQUEEZED in a run! Who Squeezes? Did anyone see the Sox try to bunt all series? Truly sad. They also mind-fucked Clemens into self-destructing last night, soley thanks to their running game. Plus- there's not a single player in baseball that bats better with Two strikes than Albert Pujols. But we'll get to him later.
A beer company used to own them.
-Sure, it's Anheuser-Busch, but whatever. It's better than the "former owners of the Florida Marlins." Need I remind you that the company that brings us Natty Lite is basically responsible for the St. Louis Cardinals.
No Theo Epstien, no faux-moneyball.
-Just Walt Jocketty, the best GM in baseball that gets absolutely no credit. Look at the castoffs he's brought to the team over the last six years:
Jim Edmonds (whom NO ONE wanted at the time, because they questioned his heart.)
Tony Womack (the only position player to ever have Tommy John surgery, everyone thought he was done. Last night, he showed how tough he was, making big play after big play WITH back spasms) Okay- i know you Yanks fans probably hate Womack from the 2001 WS, but you gotta let it go.
Daryl Kile (everyone gave him up for dead in Colorado. And although I just set up a REALLY bad joke there, I'm not even going to go after it.)
Reggie Sanders (the PIRATES didn't want him this year, and he's still gone out and had a sweet-ass year.)
Jeff Suppan (traded by the Bucs to the Sox, the Sox thought it better to keep Bronson fuckin Arroyo and his blonde cornrows than one of the classiest, smartest ballplayers I've ever heard give an interview). It's payback time...
The list goes on and on.
DEFENSE.
-They're starting nine has something like.. I dunno 22 gold gloves among them? They won four of the nine in the NL just last year.
-While we're talking defense, let's talk about the how TOUGH this team is. Look at the gritty blue-collar type players they have (as opposed to Jehri curl wearing, long-haired hippie nutbars):
Scott Rolen
Jim Edmonds
Albert Pujols
Mike Matheny
Larry Walker
Steve Kline
Edgar Renteria (SUPER-CLUTCH, who had a terrible NLCS, look for him to bust-out at the WS)
Julian Tavarez (who, admittedly, is a short-haired latin nutbar: he tried to rip the bullpen phone off the wall the other night, broke his had, didn't bitch about it, came out and threw lights out in Game 6 and 7: he's the Anti-Kevin Brown.)
Ray KingIf Biggie Smalls was a smoke throwing setup man, he'd look like this.
Albert Pujols (pronounced POOL-olse).
-They don't have Mark McGwire at first anymore, actually, they have someone BETTER. He's the best all-around hitter in baseball right now. I don't know how old he REALLY is, but statistically, NO ONE has ever had a better four-year run to start a career than him. NO ONE. He also can play four positions (LF, RF, 3B, 1B). He's clutch as all hell. He hit .500 for the NLCS.
SO Taguchi, the token Asian Player.
-take a second and say it out loud, "He's SOoooooooooooooooo Taguchi." That's just SOoooooooooooo Taguchi... fun, isn't it?
St Louis is one of the best, if not THE best baseball city in America.
-Free Agents go there because once they're traded there, they never want to leave. Only Boston, New York, and the Cubs are as ingrained in their cities' consciousness. However, there's other stuff to do in Boston and Chicago. St. Louis offers the Rams and Blues, but those teams barely have a following there, because everyone ADORES the Cardinals so much.
-I dont' want to hear about the long-suffering Red Sox fans. I know the Cards have won he second-most World Series of anyone, but none since 1982, which was the only one since they beat the Sox in 1967. The Sox haven't been there since 1986? Well, the Cards haven't been there since 1987.
-They also have the 10th highest payroll in baseball, because guys take paycuts to play there, and they find diamonds in the rough. By the way, all you Yankee haters who hate cuz they "buy their team" should note that the 81 Million the Cards pay this year is only slightly lower than the Red Sox.. if you consider over 40 MILLION DOLLARS slightly lower. The Cardinals could add THE ENTIRE PIRATES ROSTER to their payroll, and STILL not reach the Red Sox.
And finally:
EXTEND THE CURSE!
that should do. If anyone else out there still doesn't know who to root for, let me know, and I'll try to shed a little more light on the situation for you.
The Verdict? I think the Cards are more solid/less question-riddled all around the diamond. Isringhausen scares me, though. After the Yankees series, either Boston is wiped, or feels indestructible. I think the Cards are in for a fight, and I REALLY think it goes 7. It'll be interesting to see how things shakes out in games 3-5, because Ortiz or Millar ends up on the bench, serverely hurting the Sox lineup without a DH. However, Francona has NL Experience, just as LaRussa has AL Experience. LaRussa's teams have a history of choking in the Series though. This is going to be a good one, but I gotta go with my boys, and say:
Cardinals in Seven
In the meantime, be good to each other! and GO CARDS!
-apk
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