INVASION! KLE ATTACKS!

I'll be honest, she picked the perfect day to step in and say something. Last night was positively terrible, and I'm glad I don't have to write today. But no matter, I'll be plenty melodramatic and upset tomorrow, too. At least there are dollar Blue Moons tonight-- who's in? Also, if I come up with a Link and a Song, you'll get it later, same Kingdom time, same Kingdom channel.

So I present to you the always controversial KLE. As usual, I'll save my retorts until you've gotten a chance to read/reply. Methinks she's a little off with one of these, like, the last one. Now, without further ado:

Telegram from The Heel

5 Things That Baffle Me About Guys

In the grand tradition of pissing people off as Princess of Darkness, I have decided to pick a topic on which everyone has an opinion. My only guidance from the King consisted of “anything but the Steelers.” Good thing: I have nothing to say on that topic. I thought also about including a disclaimer along the lines of “These are opinions shared by this female and not all females in general.” However, I sense that there are some ladies who are poised to scratch wildly at my eyes with all their misplaced cattiness. Bring. It. On.

Without further introduction, here are some examples of strange guy behavior that cause occasional moments of confusion in my life:

1. When two straight guys are traveling on the train together, they sit just far enough away to take up twice the space.

Okay, this is the deal: I live in Chicago, and I take the L everywhere. I have noticed that straight guys (especially white guys) either sit across the car from each other on the seats that run parallel to the tracks OR they sit one on the far seat of the parallel seat and one on the far end of the horizontal seats, thus blocking two seats from use by other people. Why is it so difficult for two guys to sit next to each other? Do you think some hot girl is going to squeeze her ass between you guys and plop down in the middle of your conversation? It’s not likely. More likely, some cranky, middle-aged woman with overly strong perfume will squeeze in to sit down then proceed to talk loudly on her cell phone about her corns. Or is the analogous to the unspoken rules that govern the selection of a urinal? If so, I swear, no girl will think you’re gay. If any guy thinks that, who cares? It only really matters what girls think, right?

2. How can you spend 8 hours playing video games?

I get that you need to unwind and that Madden 2004 is a great way to blow off some steam. But eight hours? Really, any length of time over 2 hours seems excessive. I get that this is perhaps analogous to the female fondness for marathon shopping sprees. However, it’s a rare woman who can go for 8 hours without turning into a frazzled bitch.

3. Porn.

I have watched some. Maybe it was really bad, but I am still at a loss when it comes to the sexiness of these videos. Sure, people are naked, and they really are having sex, but neither really looks like their having fun. He’s too busy fighting for control, and she’s too busy faking her ecstatic moans. I don’t get the appeal.

4. Hairstyles.

This is mostly curiosity (as in, I have little opinion on the issue), but how do guys decide how to style their hair? There are definitely options available, so what makes a guy decide on one? Is it habit? A suggestion from a girlfriend, mother, friend, barber/stylist? I’m genuinely curious.

5. What do you mean when you say you like intelligent women?

As evidenced by my title in the Kingdom, I am the nemesis, the bringer of darkness, the heel to Adam’s hero, the Vader to his Luke. I received this esteemed position by voicing an opinion contrary to the conventional wisdom of the Kingdom. I have a sneaking suspicion that my gender played an important role in my elevation- it was probably my scathing comments on the (now defunct?) development of the Fundamental Rule of Life as a Guy. It seems to be standard operating procedure for guys to bail when a girl steps up and goes toe to toe with them. Believe me, you can’t gauge a girl’s intelligence by how well see fills out her sweater. And there’s nothing sexier than a guy who can rise to the challenge and prove you wrong. Either that, just tell the girl to chill out. Just don’t back down like a scared rabbit.

Okay kids, fire your arrows. You’ll find I’m no Achilles.
-KLE