DAILY DOSE: "Paranoia! Paranoia! Everybody's Comin' to Get Me!"

To paraphrase Randy Quaid in Independence Day, "I knew it.. I told ya—I've been sayin' it for ten damn years…"

 

You see, folks, like Punxsatawney Phil, I am the Prognosticator of Prognosticators, the Tom Brady of meaningless foresight.   What am I talking about? Well, I'm glad you ask.

 

Exhibit 1:

Your Link of the Day includes great baseball writer Jim Caple calling the Red Sox "the New Yankees." Which I've been saying for at least two years now. He knocks it out of the park when he mentions both the Bagwell trade and how if you take away the pinstripes and Damon's hair, there's really no difference between these teams.  

 

Exhibit 2:

Sprout (all during the first half last night):  Tom Brady's not that good. The Patriots aren't making the playoffs, and they're going to lose to the Raiders.

 

Me:  Well, the Raiders are sticking with them, but we're about due for some sort of fluke Collins Fumbleception that turns the tide on this game. Cuz that's what the Patsies do: they don't make mistakes, and just wait until you do, then win.

 

…less than five minutes later…

 

Collins drops back to pass, pats the ball too much, he's holding on to it way too long while the pocket collapses around him. FUMBLECEPTION! New England ball on the Oakland 25!

 

Exhibit 3: 

Not so much a prediction—but moreso a great idea I had before someone else, that of course was exploited by them better than I could do it (does that sentence even make sense?) 

 

Anywho-- Bill Simmons reads the Kingdom.   There's no other way to explain how he stole back the idea I had stolen from him, and turned it into a column, just like I planned to do with "The Spotlight."  (Grampy—send me your email address. Banner—you too!)

 

So what's all this horn-tooting got to do with anything? Simple: I'm making a prediction: Yankees win the AL East, Cleveland wins the Wild Card.   Oops, sorry Boston—enjoy golfing in October with the Pittsburgh Pirates and KC Royals of the world.

 

We can only hope.  I gotta run, we're about to sign Sid the Kid.  Today officially begins a New Era in Pittsburgh Sports (I hope.)

 

Your Song is "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger, for no other reason than it randomly played on the radio when I got into the 'Tus at the Park'n Ride last night, it's scarily catchy, I've not heard it since 1998, and for some reason, I know ever word to the song…

 

Enjoy your weekend- Fight on State! and Here we Go Stillers! Here we Go!

-apk