If I Can Be Serious for a Minute: "Everybody's Changing and I Don't Feel the Same"

Having traveled through many nations and through many waters, brother, I arrive for these unhappy rites, so that I might give you with a final duty of death and in vain speak to silent ash, seeing that fortune has taken you yourself from me, alas! Unhappy brother taken outrageously from me! Now, however—nevertheless—receive these, which in the death of ancient parents were given as a sad gift to the underworld, and are wet with abundant, fraternal tears. And into eternity, brother, hail and farewell.
 

                                   -Catullus 101

 

Today we recognize loss, and subsequently, rebirth.  I "lost" two exceedingly important parts of my life yesterday, at least in the metaphysical sense.  As I've already announced here in The Kingdom, Rob Mackowiak, my long-time "favorite baseball player" was traded away from the Pirates yesterday for a left-handed relief pitcher the Bucs will probably use, not unlike Jack's Magic Beans (TM), to grow a third baseman. Like Joe Randa. But I digress.  It's not just a loss of my favorite player, but also the loss of the youthful innocence I had recently regrown.  In the years since Andy Van Slyke, my childhood idle, left the Pirates in '94, the club had featured its share of great, or least heavily likeable, ballplayers. Yet, with the exception of my short love-affiar with Turner Ward, I never fully invested myself in a ballplayer. Never let my guard down and became a true FAN of a guy.  Not Brian Giles, not Jason Kendall, not Jason Bay, nor Oliver Perez.  I was always skeptical of them all in some way or another.  Either he couldn't hit for power, couldn't throw strong enough, or was destined to be shipped out. It didn't matter, I wasn't signing on to be hurt. Not by another ballplayer.

 

Then Rob was called up in 2001. I still remember those first few games I saw him play, breaking up double plays and always working his ass off, despite his limited talents.  Like Turner Ward, Hines Ward, Andy Van Slyke, and Bobby Engram before him, I was hooked on a guy who played like I tried to play every day-- Like he was too dumb to know he wasn't any good.  That's Rob.  Hard-nosed, strong-armed, never gets cheated on a swing. Prone to mistakes, but just as prone to clutch-greatness, he quickly became my favorite Pirate, and then, my favorite player. 

 

Once I moved back to town, I spread the Gospel of Rob as best I could, and it all culminated with the Mackowiak Weekend of 2004, where I instantly made fans out of bunches of friends and families through a combination of my constant praise and his extraordinary three-games against the Cubbies.  Later that summer, when I actually, by chance, met him after a game, I became entirely awestruck for the first time in my life.  And now, like Luke waxing about Obi Wan, "I can't believe he's gone."  I will never forget him. He will always be Pirates #59 to me.  I will go to the ballpark when the ChiSox come to town this year, and I will root against my team, openly, for the first time in my life, every time he steps to the plate. Because I'll always miss him.

 

Though I should be saddened, I am not.  For the Pirates have landed one of my long time most-admired players, Sean Casey, in a move that brings the Prodigal Son back to his hometown, at least for a season, in hopes that he can rattle balls off of the Clemente Wall until Brad Eldred is ready for the Show.  My new de facto favorite Pirate, Casey represents one hell of a pickup, and hopefully the dawning of a new age of rebirth for my long-troubled ballclub.

 

But that's not all the loss from yesterday.  This one's much bigger.  I've lost the Butch Cassidy to my Sun Dance Kid.  Ladies and Gentlemen of The Kingdom (and my apologies, Boyce, for letting the cat out of the bag) Kupchelitis is engaged.  Le roi est mort...  I would say, "Vive le roi," but who can replace one of the greatest single-guys of all time?  That's a throne that shall remain empty for a long, long time, no matter how much I crow about becoming "Pittsburgh's Bruce Wayne."  Today is a dark day, as a third FEM has fallen this year alone.

 

At least Z and I can keep the faith.

 

In seriousness, though, Congratulations, my dear friend.  I can't pretend to know her well, but Brandi is an intriguing woman (and quite the hottie) who you are obviously insanely in love with, and who obviously adores you as well.  In the end, isn't that what we all want? My envy is palpable.

 

But fear not, for the loss of our Fair King, Mr. Ass.  For he too is about to be re-birthed in a way that I cannot possibly comprehend.  Though I will privately seethe over his wedding date (which will make me miss the return of Andy Van Slyke to Pittsburgh) I will absolutely anxiously look forward to July in Wyoming with unimaginable anticipation.  Ladies, feel free to send Applications to be My Date to the usual address.  I have a feeling this'll be the biggest OX wedding yet. That is, at least, until Jerry and Nat take over in September.

 

__________

 

Now, If I can be serious for a minute...

 

I'd be remiss if I ended this post without a little bit of an explanation of where the hell I've been for so long.  In short, "On hiatus."  Though that makes it sound like a planned absence, it has truly not been so.  Since ending my friendship/life/envolvement/hopes with Carolyn back in October, I've (not suprisingly) been unable and disinterested in writing.  I won't say that "i'd lost my muse," because she had been gone for so long already.  No, it's more like I've had no interest at all in looking inward, being introspective, or taking stock of where I am now.  Instead, I've just been going with the flow, working lots of hours, dating here and there, and just kind of hoping that things line up on their own.  I've been less-and less perceptive of the world around me, leaving me less-and-less to write about.  And I fear I'm starting to fall into a work-sleep-work cycle that has me living for the weekend, instead of enjoying every evening to its fullest.  At least I've identified the issue, and I am hoping to embrace the outside world again.

 

In the meantime, this decidedly c'est la vie/ lassiez-faire attitude has proved to be a happy existence.  My creativity's in a lull right now, and that always bothers me, but I can feel it trying to fight it's way out.  Like, every time i see a pen, i want to draw, but when I try, I just can't. I can tell it's coming, I've just got to either wait it out, or find a new muse... the search continues tonight.

 

Hopefully, I'll be with me again soon. I was reading old posts last night, and I realized just how far the quality of my writing had dropped off around here, and how entertaining I used to be.  That was certainly a byproduct of the amazingly carefree lifestyle I was living this time last year, while enjoying the incredibly fulfilling relationships I had with Jeanie, Kup, and Carolyn, all which have been drastically changed, or altogether lost since that time.  Left behind is an emptiness, it would seem, that my other friends have been unable to fill, due to no fault of their own.  It's okay though- I'm not bellyaching, just trying to figure out what's gone wrong, and how I can move forward from here and continue to evolve without that reliance on others. It's a slow process, but it's absolutely taking hold. For instance, my new favorite part of the week is heading over to the comic shop, on my own (which i used to HATE doing), every Wednesday after work.  I'm starting to get completely comfortable with me, and with life on my own.  And that's an ecouraging thought.

 

Anyway, before I wrap up, I'd like to thank P.Diddy for giving the world Aubrey, Aundrea, and Shannon, also known as the "super-hottie-trio" of whatever his new band's name is going to be.  All three ladies "Made" the Band last night, and I couldn't be happier. Largely because they're hot, and all in different ways. Aubrey is "unattainable superstar hot," Aundrea is "super-cute girl next door who I think I could trick into liking me hot" and Shannon is, quite simply, "Adam Girl" hot.  Thank you, Diddy. 

 

And thank yinz for sticking with me while I get going again.  There's absolutely nothing I want to do less when I get home from work than stare at a computer screen any more. But I'm going to make a concerted effort to start getting back into the groove of writing something here every day.  So come on back, y'hear-- and bring your friends, or former Kingdomites.

 

be good to each other.

-apk