Wild Cards: "Expect No Mercy"
And no, I don't mean Hawkes, Damphoose, Wang, West, and of course, Vansen or McQueen.
(if you know what that sentence means, consider yourself my soul mate. I hope you're female.)
Quick Picks/Thoughts:
Jacksonville @ New England
Everyone in the Universe says New England walks here, because Jax hasn't beaten anyone, plays down to their opponent's level (meaning they'll eventually get beaten by a better team), and Tedy Bruschi is the Tom Brady of NFL Linebackers who have suffered a stroke in the last 12 months. Not to mention the game is AT NEW ENGLAND, where the Tom Brady of Coaches and the Tom Brady of Tom Bradys are untouchable.
I simply add that JAX needed two fumbles and an interception in OT to beat Tommy Maddox .
Winner: New England
Washington @ Tampa Bay
Oddly enough, this game won't be actually played in the Bay. Since I barely follow the NFC, and can't call this game at all, I'll note something cool I just learned yesterday: the Pirates wanted to build a big Pirate ship at PNC Park back in the day, but couldn't find the loot to do it. I've been saying for two years now, they need to put one on the other side of the river, give tours, and let kids hang out there before games. Then they can fire the cannons every time the Buccos hit a HR, and "Raise the Jolly Roger" every time they notch a W... Wouldn't that be cool? I need to start a collection fund for them...
Anyway, I just remembered that though Tampa has a running back named "Cadillac," they also have a quarterback named "Chris Simms." Who I hate. If they had Major Applewhite, I'd roll with the Pirates in the Pewter Pants. Instead, I'm gonna go with the Maroon and Yellow- it did help the Yukon Red Braves capture the 1992 Yough Little League Championship, after all.
Winner: Washington
Carolina @ New York Giants
NORTH CAROLLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA, come on and raise up! Take your shirt off! Twist it round your head like a helicopter! NORTH CAROLLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA, come on and RAISE UP! This one's for YOU, unh-huh this one's for WHO? for WHO? US! US! US!
..i also hate Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress. Tiki Barber could run for touchdowns against Florida State 100 times in the next ten minutes, and I'd still hate the Giants for summarily hosing Kerry Collins. Plus- no more Jurevicious or Brandon Short, and cool unis will only take you so far with me.
In the NFC, I vote with my heart (at least in Round 1) and my heart bleeds Blue and White.
or, in this case, Carolina Blue and White and Silver and Black...
Winner: North Carolina
The Stillers @ Cincinnati
Do you know that Cincinnati is named for Roman Praetor Cincinnatus? He was a farmer who was chosen to lead, then led the Empire to victory, then walked away from immense riches and power and returned to his farm. Like Maximus. And we all know how things ended for him. Does this make the Stillers Commodus? Umm...Sure, yeah. They'll dress all in white, stab the Bungles in the back, and then fight them to the death before losing...wait...shit. That's no good, either.
Let's try this again.
Do you remember that back in the '80s-'90s when Cincinnati had Sam Wyche and was good, they used to play "Welcome to the Jungle" in Riverfront Stadium all the time? Coolest. Stadium Gimmick. Ever. Warrants mentioning. They still play it at Paul Brown Stadium, but it ain't HALF as cool. Mostly because the video for "Welcome..." looks like it could've been filmed in Riverfront (or Busch, or the Vet, or Three Rivers). Nowadays, the only cool thing that Cincinnati has going for it is that big tiger at midfield, which is almost as cool as the big...wait-- the Stillers don't have anything at midfield? Except mud? Because Hines Field is the worst playing surface in professional sports? Dammit...
Okay, Okay.. got it. Chad Johnson is a jackass. Though some of his celebrations have been cool, and he's much more stomachable than say, Terrell Owens, nothing, AND THE ROCK MEANS NOTHING was a cooler celebration this season than Hines's Icky Shuffle. Pure. Genius. In fact, Hines owns two of the greatest celebrations I've ever seen: The Shuffle and the "SHhhhhhh". IN fact, the only thing, off the top of my head, that's recent and close, is Vince Young's NON-celebration at the end of the Rose Bowl, when he just cradled the football and stared off into space like he couldn't believe what was happening to him. Every time I win in court, from now on, I'm going to do that...
where was I going with this?
Oh yeah. I can't pick this game, because no matter how bad Cincy is against the run, they're still going to put up like, 36 points with that offense. They're AT-HOME DIVISION CHAMPION UNDERDOGS, which isn't going to sit well with ANY of them, NO ONE in PGH is scared of this game except me, and EVERYONE forgets the following:
1) the Stillers were lucky to win the first game against Cincy, i dont' care what anyone says
2) Bill Cowher's never won on the Road in the Playoffs
3) the Stillers have recently rolled into the Playoffs by defeating: daBears, daVikes, daBrownies, and daLions. Umm..a month+ago, we were REELING and no one in town was smiling....
4) Joey FRAKKIN' Harrington just torched Ike Taylor and friends last week, bet Carson'll have ALL KINDS of trouble with us, cuz y'know- he's a rookie in the playoffs...
i have a bad feeling about this...
hence. I'm not picking.
see yinz Monday, when I'll probably be 0-4. (i always suck in the first round)
Merry Christmas Uram, and all the crazy Orthodoxors out there-- I'll be celebrating with ye!
-apk
(if you know what that sentence means, consider yourself my soul mate. I hope you're female.)
Quick Picks/Thoughts:
Jacksonville @ New England
Everyone in the Universe says New England walks here, because Jax hasn't beaten anyone, plays down to their opponent's level (meaning they'll eventually get beaten by a better team), and Tedy Bruschi is the Tom Brady of NFL Linebackers who have suffered a stroke in the last 12 months. Not to mention the game is AT NEW ENGLAND, where the Tom Brady of Coaches and the Tom Brady of Tom Bradys are untouchable.
I simply add that JAX needed two fumbles and an interception in OT to beat Tommy Maddox .
Winner: New England
Washington @ Tampa Bay
Oddly enough, this game won't be actually played in the Bay. Since I barely follow the NFC, and can't call this game at all, I'll note something cool I just learned yesterday: the Pirates wanted to build a big Pirate ship at PNC Park back in the day, but couldn't find the loot to do it. I've been saying for two years now, they need to put one on the other side of the river, give tours, and let kids hang out there before games. Then they can fire the cannons every time the Buccos hit a HR, and "Raise the Jolly Roger" every time they notch a W... Wouldn't that be cool? I need to start a collection fund for them...
Anyway, I just remembered that though Tampa has a running back named "Cadillac," they also have a quarterback named "Chris Simms." Who I hate. If they had Major Applewhite, I'd roll with the Pirates in the Pewter Pants. Instead, I'm gonna go with the Maroon and Yellow- it did help the Yukon Red Braves capture the 1992 Yough Little League Championship, after all.
Winner: Washington
Carolina @ New York Giants
NORTH CAROLLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA, come on and raise up! Take your shirt off! Twist it round your head like a helicopter! NORTH CAROLLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA, come on and RAISE UP! This one's for YOU, unh-huh this one's for WHO? for WHO? US! US! US!
..i also hate Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress. Tiki Barber could run for touchdowns against Florida State 100 times in the next ten minutes, and I'd still hate the Giants for summarily hosing Kerry Collins. Plus- no more Jurevicious or Brandon Short, and cool unis will only take you so far with me.
In the NFC, I vote with my heart (at least in Round 1) and my heart bleeds Blue and White.
or, in this case, Carolina Blue and White and Silver and Black...
Winner: North Carolina
The Stillers @ Cincinnati
Do you know that Cincinnati is named for Roman Praetor Cincinnatus? He was a farmer who was chosen to lead, then led the Empire to victory, then walked away from immense riches and power and returned to his farm. Like Maximus. And we all know how things ended for him. Does this make the Stillers Commodus? Umm...Sure, yeah. They'll dress all in white, stab the Bungles in the back, and then fight them to the death before losing...wait...shit. That's no good, either.
Let's try this again.
Do you remember that back in the '80s-'90s when Cincinnati had Sam Wyche and was good, they used to play "Welcome to the Jungle" in Riverfront Stadium all the time? Coolest. Stadium Gimmick. Ever. Warrants mentioning. They still play it at Paul Brown Stadium, but it ain't HALF as cool. Mostly because the video for "Welcome..." looks like it could've been filmed in Riverfront (or Busch, or the Vet, or Three Rivers). Nowadays, the only cool thing that Cincinnati has going for it is that big tiger at midfield, which is almost as cool as the big...wait-- the Stillers don't have anything at midfield? Except mud? Because Hines Field is the worst playing surface in professional sports? Dammit...
Okay, Okay.. got it. Chad Johnson is a jackass. Though some of his celebrations have been cool, and he's much more stomachable than say, Terrell Owens, nothing, AND THE ROCK MEANS NOTHING was a cooler celebration this season than Hines's Icky Shuffle. Pure. Genius. In fact, Hines owns two of the greatest celebrations I've ever seen: The Shuffle and the "SHhhhhhh". IN fact, the only thing, off the top of my head, that's recent and close, is Vince Young's NON-celebration at the end of the Rose Bowl, when he just cradled the football and stared off into space like he couldn't believe what was happening to him. Every time I win in court, from now on, I'm going to do that...
where was I going with this?
Oh yeah. I can't pick this game, because no matter how bad Cincy is against the run, they're still going to put up like, 36 points with that offense. They're AT-HOME DIVISION CHAMPION UNDERDOGS, which isn't going to sit well with ANY of them, NO ONE in PGH is scared of this game except me, and EVERYONE forgets the following:
1) the Stillers were lucky to win the first game against Cincy, i dont' care what anyone says
2) Bill Cowher's never won on the Road in the Playoffs
3) the Stillers have recently rolled into the Playoffs by defeating: daBears, daVikes, daBrownies, and daLions. Umm..a month+ago, we were REELING and no one in town was smiling....
4) Joey FRAKKIN' Harrington just torched Ike Taylor and friends last week, bet Carson'll have ALL KINDS of trouble with us, cuz y'know- he's a rookie in the playoffs...
i have a bad feeling about this...
hence. I'm not picking.
see yinz Monday, when I'll probably be 0-4. (i always suck in the first round)
Merry Christmas Uram, and all the crazy Orthodoxors out there-- I'll be celebrating with ye!
-apk
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