DAILY DOSE: "Did I Get Lost While I Was Gone? I've Traveled Space for Much Too Long"
Last night, I was in a Flank-Two position. Repeat. A Flank-Two position...
Gerald and I decided to head over to the brand-spanking-new "Buckhead Saloon" (which uses a picture of a bear as its logo, because that makes a lot of sense) after work. It was the pre-grand opening, and we heard rumours of cheap beer and food. He had acquired a couple of tickets to what would quickly become the Place to Be last night, making it free to get in. We figured, "what the hell?" and went with it.
When we arrived, we both instantly liked the place, which has a very "hunting lodge" look to it. In fact, if the patrons didn't stand up and break into a rendition of "Gaston" by the end of the evening, I would count it as a major disappointment.What? "Gaston"? Like you don't know, "Noooooo one, plots like Gaston/ Takes cheap shots like Gaston/ Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gaston/ So his marriage we soon will be CEL-e-BRATING, my what a guy-- Gas--Ton!" but I digress. Back to the Saloon-- its got a ton of cool taxedermy projects, including moose, cougar, and a wolverine over the fire place. Those little bastards may be small, but they're frakkin' scary.
Anywho, dead animals are neither here nor there. But the free beer/food certainly was. The band was solid, playing folky-rock versions of songs like "Paradise City". The female employees were all uniquely cute as well. So far, so good. We decided the Buckhead would make for a very solid staging area for the early stages of Station Square excursions. Things were looking up...
Then I saw Her. And then I saw Her with him.
Pittsburgh's so small, I knew bumping into her sooner or later was inevitible, and I tried to be prepared for it. Hell, last night, when I got up from my table, I knew in my gut she was there. That was the last time I had a gut feeling that didn't include "nausea". I'd love to be able to say that I shook it right off, and that it didn't effect me, because that's really the point of the whole "walking away" thing, right? I'd be lying though. I'll admit, for an instant, before I realized She was there with Guy That Won, I was excited to see her. And honestly, I'm still excited right now that I saw her. I just wish we would've been able to talk, if only for a moment. I just want her to know that I'm not angry with her, and that I miss her, and that I hope that she's happy. But I didn't do anything. I've been fighting the urge to contact her for a while now, but I know deep inside that though I miss her, and that I've hated having to leave, it's still the only way for me to accept my fate and move on and survive. Though it's hard as hell, I still know I made the right decision. But for a minute there (okay, or 47 minutes there) I really just wanted to talk to her. I wanted her to come talk to me. I wanted the decision to break the silence to be taken out of my hands.
Jerry instantly wanted to say hello to her, not to give her hell or be mean or anything, he just wanted to say 'hi,' because it had been so long since he'd seen her. I'm lucky it was Jerry with me last night, because he's one of the only friends I have left with the patience/ interest to be understanding when it comes to her. It's probably because he was in Tennessee while everything was falling apart. We left shortly thereafter, and I don't know that I'll see her again.
In my mind, this entry has gone through about a zillion permutations in the last twelve hours. Which is almost as many emotions that flew through me in the hour after I saw her. When we headed back to Jerry's, I found that I finally got an awful lot of things off of my chest that I didn't even know were there. I talked to Natalie and asked her what I should have done. I left messages with Kup and Nic, but surprisingly, it was Z who helped the most. Z's so straightforward and logical that he's often not much help to me when it comes to relationships. I'm too melodramatic and hopelessly romantic. I never actually want to listen to pragmatism. But last night, he calmly reminded me of the most important thing: I knew this was going to happen sooner or later, and it doesn't change anything. So we saw each other in a crowded bar? Of course all of the greatest memories and flashes of feelings would come back. Did I ever expect them to fully go away? Isn't that why I had to go away? Because I knew they'd never really leave me? And he's right. Everything I felt, I'll always feel in some way. But that's irrelevant. The only question of relevance is, "Did anything that caused me to walk away change?" The answer to that, of course, is a resounding "no." And until that happens, changing anything on my end is nothing but folly. I'll just fall all the way back into where I've come from. So I'm sorry, but I just can't go to the zoo.
thanks for tuning into "The Life and Times of a Pschopath."
...
a couple of quick notes:
-Adam Morrison was crying before that game even ended-- check it out while UCLA's at the free throw line. I have hereby lost respect for him.
-Pittsnogle! !!! Yes! Wha? wuh...Dammit. Wow. What an incredible ending. I hate Texas.
-Mt.Dew and Kettle One is good.
-props to Z, Kup, Drew, Ron, Jerry, and Nat.
-My Stillers DVD hath arrived!
and finally, a sort of epilogue. Despite all the turmoil churning through my gut last night, once I joined up with Sprout and the rest of the Bethanites last night, I found a calmness I didn't expect. I'm trying not to jinx that, though. So stay tuned for further developments.
Song of the Day is "Space Travel," by (of course) Yellowcard. If anyone can figure out what the astronauts say during the bridge after "I don't think she's coming back", I'd be grateful.
have a great day, everyone.
-apk
Gerald and I decided to head over to the brand-spanking-new "Buckhead Saloon" (which uses a picture of a bear as its logo, because that makes a lot of sense) after work. It was the pre-grand opening, and we heard rumours of cheap beer and food. He had acquired a couple of tickets to what would quickly become the Place to Be last night, making it free to get in. We figured, "what the hell?" and went with it.
When we arrived, we both instantly liked the place, which has a very "hunting lodge" look to it. In fact, if the patrons didn't stand up and break into a rendition of "Gaston" by the end of the evening, I would count it as a major disappointment.What? "Gaston"? Like you don't know, "Noooooo one, plots like Gaston/ Takes cheap shots like Gaston/ Plans to persecute harmless crackpots like Gaston/ So his marriage we soon will be CEL-e-BRATING, my what a guy-- Gas--Ton!" but I digress. Back to the Saloon-- its got a ton of cool taxedermy projects, including moose, cougar, and a wolverine over the fire place. Those little bastards may be small, but they're frakkin' scary.
Anywho, dead animals are neither here nor there. But the free beer/food certainly was. The band was solid, playing folky-rock versions of songs like "Paradise City". The female employees were all uniquely cute as well. So far, so good. We decided the Buckhead would make for a very solid staging area for the early stages of Station Square excursions. Things were looking up...
Then I saw Her. And then I saw Her with him.
Pittsburgh's so small, I knew bumping into her sooner or later was inevitible, and I tried to be prepared for it. Hell, last night, when I got up from my table, I knew in my gut she was there. That was the last time I had a gut feeling that didn't include "nausea". I'd love to be able to say that I shook it right off, and that it didn't effect me, because that's really the point of the whole "walking away" thing, right? I'd be lying though. I'll admit, for an instant, before I realized She was there with Guy That Won, I was excited to see her. And honestly, I'm still excited right now that I saw her. I just wish we would've been able to talk, if only for a moment. I just want her to know that I'm not angry with her, and that I miss her, and that I hope that she's happy. But I didn't do anything. I've been fighting the urge to contact her for a while now, but I know deep inside that though I miss her, and that I've hated having to leave, it's still the only way for me to accept my fate and move on and survive. Though it's hard as hell, I still know I made the right decision. But for a minute there (okay, or 47 minutes there) I really just wanted to talk to her. I wanted her to come talk to me. I wanted the decision to break the silence to be taken out of my hands.
Jerry instantly wanted to say hello to her, not to give her hell or be mean or anything, he just wanted to say 'hi,' because it had been so long since he'd seen her. I'm lucky it was Jerry with me last night, because he's one of the only friends I have left with the patience/ interest to be understanding when it comes to her. It's probably because he was in Tennessee while everything was falling apart. We left shortly thereafter, and I don't know that I'll see her again.
In my mind, this entry has gone through about a zillion permutations in the last twelve hours. Which is almost as many emotions that flew through me in the hour after I saw her. When we headed back to Jerry's, I found that I finally got an awful lot of things off of my chest that I didn't even know were there. I talked to Natalie and asked her what I should have done. I left messages with Kup and Nic, but surprisingly, it was Z who helped the most. Z's so straightforward and logical that he's often not much help to me when it comes to relationships. I'm too melodramatic and hopelessly romantic. I never actually want to listen to pragmatism. But last night, he calmly reminded me of the most important thing: I knew this was going to happen sooner or later, and it doesn't change anything. So we saw each other in a crowded bar? Of course all of the greatest memories and flashes of feelings would come back. Did I ever expect them to fully go away? Isn't that why I had to go away? Because I knew they'd never really leave me? And he's right. Everything I felt, I'll always feel in some way. But that's irrelevant. The only question of relevance is, "Did anything that caused me to walk away change?" The answer to that, of course, is a resounding "no." And until that happens, changing anything on my end is nothing but folly. I'll just fall all the way back into where I've come from. So I'm sorry, but I just can't go to the zoo.
thanks for tuning into "The Life and Times of a Pschopath."
...
a couple of quick notes:
-Adam Morrison was crying before that game even ended-- check it out while UCLA's at the free throw line. I have hereby lost respect for him.
-Pittsnogle! !!! Yes! Wha? wuh...Dammit. Wow. What an incredible ending. I hate Texas.
-Mt.Dew and Kettle One is good.
-props to Z, Kup, Drew, Ron, Jerry, and Nat.
-My Stillers DVD hath arrived!
and finally, a sort of epilogue. Despite all the turmoil churning through my gut last night, once I joined up with Sprout and the rest of the Bethanites last night, I found a calmness I didn't expect. I'm trying not to jinx that, though. So stay tuned for further developments.
Song of the Day is "Space Travel," by (of course) Yellowcard. If anyone can figure out what the astronauts say during the bridge after "I don't think she's coming back", I'd be grateful.
have a great day, everyone.
-apk
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home