GOING POSTAL: 7/21/04

Before I start let me say, THIS IS NOT A RESEARCHED COMPREHENSIVE THESIS.  It’s a column on a blog.  So anything I say, feel free to comment, but don’t give me whiney hippie crap complete with footnotes and a bibliography because I will just print the response and burn it.  
  
Why is this called “GOING POSTAL”?  Because I am a casual carrier for the United States Postal Service and I contemplate the use of an Uzi every single moment I am at work.  For everyone who thinks being a mailman is easy, give yourself a paper cut.  That will teach you not to mess with the post office.  I have to walk miles upon miles every day, fighting off dogs as well as old people at the brink of death whose only satisfaction in life is to alert the summer fill-in mailman that their mail usually comes at 10:30, not 10:45.  Attention Nursing homes:  RECRUIT HARDER.  But anyway, this one of only a few times I will ever discuss the post office or my job in general.  I will mostly be commenting on things that are so apocalyptically doucheful (Not always politics), that they would spiral any normal person into rage.  But from what I’ve been reading, the followers of this blog are mostly tree hugging, showerless, drug addicted liberals who love Michael Moore, Gandhi, and France.  Just so you know, I DO NOT HATE DEMOCRATS.  I HATE HIPPIES.  And for the record, I define myself as a moderate republican.  I like the military, guns and tax cuts, but I also HATE CENSORSHIP and civil rights violations. 
 
With that said, this leads me to my main topic of the first ever going postal:  The undercard of singing divas, the name lost in the bright lights of Diana Ross, Gladys Night, Dionne Warwick, and Cher:  LINDA RONSTADT.  I hate her so bad, that if I had to deliver her mail, I would take her credit card bills and burn them so she would get late fees and overage charges.  Then I would take her favorite magazine subscription and put it at the bottom of the pile of mail that has to be delivered to her street.  This would mean that the magazine will have to rest directly on my sweat drenched forearm.  Suck on that Linda…. Your Entertainment Weekly is soaked and ripped. 
 
First of all, a lot of people don’t realize this but, LINDA RONSTADT IS WHITE.  She has no soul, no rhythm, and no talent.  I can fart on tune better than she can sing.  Linda Ronstadt is the original Wigger.  She started out as a white trash folk hippie priestess and tried to become a soulful diva.  EEEEEEERRRR.  WRONG ANSWER.    
Her most famous song that she didn’t steal from Smokey Robinson, Stevie Wonder, and everyone else including FIVAL the mouse was “Different Drum”.  It is so great that hearing her sing this song live is worth the price of admission alone.  WAIT A SECOND.  I’D MAKE HER PAY ME TO LISTEN TO THIS HORRIBLE SONG.   
 
Linda Ronstadt ended up inspiring such greats as Vanilla Ice, House of Pain, and Eminem.  Wow, that’s great company.  Where am I going with this?  Well it’s not hard to figure out, that Linda is a supreme hippie liberal douche.  She is a frigid Ice Cow who can only be sexually aroused by Michael Moore tales of Fiction.  Now, I have read the reviews of this film (I refuse to go see it and give Michael Moore any of my money) and the reviews are very positive.  The New York Times, the most famous newspaper in the world LOVED THIS MOVIE and will probably print a transcript of it for their front page.  (I wonder where the political views of this “non-biased” newspaper lie.)  After watching CNN, and reading The NY TIMES, I would have thought that ALL OF AMERICA was praising Michael Moore.  That’s until I found a buried, back page news story that needs some exposure.  I guess all of America is not singing the praises of Michael Moore.  During a Las Vegas concert, over the hill singer Linda Ronstadt (of whom I discussed earlier) called Michael Moore a “true patriot” among other praises.  She then dedicated the song “Desperado” (a song she stole) to Mr. Moore.  Cnn.com writes,

That dedication angered some Aladdin (Casino) guests who spilled drinks, tore down posters and demanded their money back, said casino spokeswoman Sara Gorgon.
"We had quite a scene at the box office," she said.
About a quarter of the 4,500 people in the audience got up and left before the performance had finished

If that was at the Oscars, or in San Francisco, the crowd would have gone wild!  OH THEY WENT WILD ALL RIGHT.  THEY BOOED HER HIPPIE ASS RIGHT OFF THE STAGE.  NOT ONLY DID THEY BOO HER, BUT MANY WALKED OUT, AND THE CONCERT WAS CANCELLED.  WHEN LINDA RETURNED TO HER ROOM IN THE SAME LAS VEGAS CASINO, THE KEY DIDN’T WORK AND SHE WAS INFORMED THAT SHE WAS NO LONGER WELCOME IN THIS CASINO.

WOW I DIDN’T EXPECT THIS FROM THE SAME AMERICA WHICH HAS KERRY WINNING BY A LANDSLIDE.  THE SAME AMERICA THAT HATES THEIR MORON PRESIDENT AND WANTS A “REGIME CHANGE”  THIS ISN’T THE PROPER BEHAVIOR OF A LEFT WING HIPPIE LIBERAL DOUCHE!!!  I GUESS AMERICANS AREN’T AS PISSED OFF AT BUSH AS CNN WOULD SUGGUEST.  AND I GUESS MICHAEL MOORE ISN’T AS PRAISED AND WELCOMED AS THE NY TIMES WOULD SUGGEST.  EAT SHIT LINDA RHONSTAT.  EAT SHIT LIBERALS.  EAT SHIT AMERICA’S SOURCE FOR LEFT WING OPINIONATED NON-JOURNALISM: THE NEW YORK TIMES.             

Well, that’s it for this week.  I think that no matter what I said in this first column, we can ALL agree that LINDA RONSTADT SUCKS. Anyway, I’m sick of politics so next Wednesday I’ll talk about TV commercials that piss me off and should piss you off too. 

ATTENTION LARA AND THE REST OF THE HIPPIES WHO READ THIS:  AGAIN, THIS IS A HALF-ASSED, COMICAL COLUMN ON A BLOG.  DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME WRITING A 20 PAGE COMREHENSIVE RESEARCH ESSAY COMPLETE WITH A WORKS CITED PAGE, AND A TRANSCRIPT OF AN INTERVIEW WITH SOMEONE IMPORTANT THAT AGREES WITH YOU.  

Anyway, see you next week, unless Nips fires me.

-Uram