GOING POSTAL: THE SPIRIT ISN'T MOVING ME TODAY
Just like in my entire college career, my enthusiasm for doing any kind of work has deteriorated to almost nothing. At the beginning of a semester I would tell myself “This semester is going to be different! I am going to go to every class, do all of my reading and get my work done on time! I am getting all A’s!” A few weeks later, that scholastic determination was turned into “20 Page paper worth 50% of my grade that I knew about since the beginning of the semester, due tomorrow at 9 am, its 2 am... DIDN’T EVEN START” C= DEGREE. So then I think about this column and I take the laziness one step further...D= Diploma. So my column, due Tuesday night and it's Noon on Wednesday: DIDN’T EVEN START. I am in the process of moving and getting ready to start a new job so I’ve been pretty busy, but JUST LIKE THE MAIL GETS DELIVERED NO MATTER WHAT... SO DOES GOING POSTAL.
The Democratic Convention was last week, and every time I went to Knor’s blog spot, I would actually see the jizz emitting from the crotches of the left wing hippie liberals that infest this website. Kujo was loving every minute of it, whacking off in the corner during Howard Dean’s speech. Everything was going great. The positive agenda of not personally attacking the president completely broke down turning it into a Bush bashing session. Then the main event. John Kerry’s make or break speech! What a delivery! What a clear, decisive message! Oh wait..
*Kerry said John Edwards will make a great vice president and is ready to be president. When in the primary campaign he ripped Edwards for not being qualified or not having enough experience to be President.
*Kerry said that when he’s president, families will not have to hold bake sales to pay for body armor for the troops. When Kerry VOTED AGAINST THE 87 BILLION DOLLARS THAT GAVE BODY ARMOR TO OUR TROOPS.
*Kerry said that he will never mislead America in to war EVEN THOUGH THAT FUCKIN BOTOX DOUCHE VOTED FOR THE WAR.
I am going to join the democratic party and hold a waffle brunch for John Kerry and his campaign. Then at the exact moment he bites into one of my delicious waffles, I will call him a cannibal because he will be eating himself.
And I know at this very moment research essays are being written by enraged liberals who put down their burning American flags 5 minutes to write a SERIOUS RESPONSE. I have a serious response to these left wing hippies: Kill Yourself. That will be a good start to making America STRONGER AT HOME AND MORE RESPECTED IN THE WORLD.
I could go on and on enraging you liberals with absolute fact but I’d rather talk about something much more important than any election, issue, or political move: THE UPCOMING NFL SEASON.
Professional Football in America defines us as Americans. While Europeans enjoy kicking a ball around for 90 straight minutes and letting their games end in ties, AMERICANS WANT BIG HITS, ELABORATE PAGEANTRY AND EXTREME AND EXCITING ACTION ending with a definite winner. America lives for the NFL, it counts down the seconds until the season starts. Sunday mornings are torture whether you’re watching pre-game shows or in church desperately waiting for your team's game to come on. NFL football is the official religion of America. With that, here is GOING POSTAL’s Official NFL Preview and Predictions. Unlike ESPN, I will not get on my knees and use my sucking power to bolster the reps for the overrated likes of Steve “Better than Jesus” McNair, Ray “I ain’t seen nofin” Lewis, and the entire Dallas Cowgirls organization. Here are my predictions for the season:
AFC East :
Patriots: 13-3 (Boston will be too busy killing themselves over the latest Red Sox Playoff Loss to the Yankees that they wont even notice)
Bills: 8-8 (There coach is named MALARKEY.. The end)
Dolphins: 6-10 (If pot gets legalized between now and September, then Ricky will come back to lead them to the superbowl)
Jets : 6-10 (Renting a stadium and fans from the Giants didn’t produce victories before and they won’t produce them now)
AFC South:
Colts: 12-4 (Peyton Manning will MAKE SURE that he doesn’t have two consecutive good games before the AFC title game)
Titans: infinity-0 (ITS SAINT MCNAIR TO THE RESCUE!! STEVE MCNAIR IS THE BEST DRUNK DRIVER OOPS I MEAN QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL Seriously, titans will go 8-8)
Jaguars and Texans will suck as usual.
AFC North:
Bengals: 10-6 (someone has to win this crappy division, might as well give the bungals a chance)
Ravens: 9-7 (Murdering people is cool. Helping your cousin buy cocaine is just as cool)
Steelers: 8-8 (Cowher might use the power of his chin to will the Stillers into the playoffs, but I gotta be safe and say 8-8)
Browns: 4-12 (This team is going to be absolutely horrible and Kellan Winslow will not even suit up this season)
AFC West:
Chiefs: 11-5 (they are guaranteed 8 wins because they just don’t lose at home. And I want Dick Vermeil in the playoffs so I can see him cry after his defense once again costs him a trip to the superbowl.)
Broncos: 10-6 (its fuckin’ cold up there. The broncos can get to the superbowl on the momentum of a possible Kobe Bryant conviction in nearby Eagle, Co.)
Raiders: 7-9 (Warren Sapp is a fat fuck)
Chargers: 5-11 (but they will still finish better than Eli’s team!!)
NFC East:
Eagles: 14-2 (nooo, I’m not a homer. The superbowl is a stone cold mortal lock.)
Redskins: 9-7 (Joe Gibbs will make them better but we will see the REAL Clinton Portis)
Cowgirls: 8-8 (Antonio Bryant and Bill Parcells will have a fight on national TV thus ruining their season)
Giants: 3-13 (Not only will this team be horrible and they will realize that Eli sucks, but they also will have to give up a high draft pick to the chargers. Tiki will once again lead the league in fumbles)
NFC South:
Falcons: 11-5 (Michael Vick needs to win lots of games so he can make enough money to bail his brother out of prison)
Panthers: 10-6 (This team can just as easily go 7-9. Those lucky close-game wins of last year will catch up to them)
Bucs: 7-9 (Eat shit Gruden)
Saints: 6-10 (Shawn Salisbury’s favorite team will once again prove that Shawn’s prediction abilities were as good as he was in the NFL)
NFC North:
Vikings: 10-6 (This division sucks ass, so the Viks should prevail)
Packers: 8-8 (Brett Favre has no more fathers in his life that can conveniently die in time to get him into the playoffs)
Lions: 5-11 (Come on, they are the lions)
Bears: 4-12 (DAAAAAAAAAAAA BUMS)
NFC West:
Seahawks: 12-4 (if the eagles are gonna lose a 4th strait NFC title game, this will be the team to beat them)
Rams: 10-6 (OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap)
Cardinals: 7-9 (They will have more wins than fans at their games)
49ers: 1-15 (This will be the absolute worst team in football)
Superbowl:Eagles over anyone from the AFC.
AND IF THE EAGLES DON’T WIN THE SUPERBOWL, YOU WILL BE ATTENDING MY FUNERAL. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT. Anyway, Half assed column this week. Oh well... D certainly does equal diploma. See you next week maybe.
-URAM
The Democratic Convention was last week, and every time I went to Knor’s blog spot, I would actually see the jizz emitting from the crotches of the left wing hippie liberals that infest this website. Kujo was loving every minute of it, whacking off in the corner during Howard Dean’s speech. Everything was going great. The positive agenda of not personally attacking the president completely broke down turning it into a Bush bashing session. Then the main event. John Kerry’s make or break speech! What a delivery! What a clear, decisive message! Oh wait..
*Kerry said John Edwards will make a great vice president and is ready to be president. When in the primary campaign he ripped Edwards for not being qualified or not having enough experience to be President.
*Kerry said that when he’s president, families will not have to hold bake sales to pay for body armor for the troops. When Kerry VOTED AGAINST THE 87 BILLION DOLLARS THAT GAVE BODY ARMOR TO OUR TROOPS.
*Kerry said that he will never mislead America in to war EVEN THOUGH THAT FUCKIN BOTOX DOUCHE VOTED FOR THE WAR.
I am going to join the democratic party and hold a waffle brunch for John Kerry and his campaign. Then at the exact moment he bites into one of my delicious waffles, I will call him a cannibal because he will be eating himself.
And I know at this very moment research essays are being written by enraged liberals who put down their burning American flags 5 minutes to write a SERIOUS RESPONSE. I have a serious response to these left wing hippies: Kill Yourself. That will be a good start to making America STRONGER AT HOME AND MORE RESPECTED IN THE WORLD.
I could go on and on enraging you liberals with absolute fact but I’d rather talk about something much more important than any election, issue, or political move: THE UPCOMING NFL SEASON.
Professional Football in America defines us as Americans. While Europeans enjoy kicking a ball around for 90 straight minutes and letting their games end in ties, AMERICANS WANT BIG HITS, ELABORATE PAGEANTRY AND EXTREME AND EXCITING ACTION ending with a definite winner. America lives for the NFL, it counts down the seconds until the season starts. Sunday mornings are torture whether you’re watching pre-game shows or in church desperately waiting for your team's game to come on. NFL football is the official religion of America. With that, here is GOING POSTAL’s Official NFL Preview and Predictions. Unlike ESPN, I will not get on my knees and use my sucking power to bolster the reps for the overrated likes of Steve “Better than Jesus” McNair, Ray “I ain’t seen nofin” Lewis, and the entire Dallas Cowgirls organization. Here are my predictions for the season:
AFC East :
Patriots: 13-3 (Boston will be too busy killing themselves over the latest Red Sox Playoff Loss to the Yankees that they wont even notice)
Bills: 8-8 (There coach is named MALARKEY.. The end)
Dolphins: 6-10 (If pot gets legalized between now and September, then Ricky will come back to lead them to the superbowl)
Jets : 6-10 (Renting a stadium and fans from the Giants didn’t produce victories before and they won’t produce them now)
AFC South:
Colts: 12-4 (Peyton Manning will MAKE SURE that he doesn’t have two consecutive good games before the AFC title game)
Titans: infinity-0 (ITS SAINT MCNAIR TO THE RESCUE!! STEVE MCNAIR IS THE BEST DRUNK DRIVER OOPS I MEAN QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL Seriously, titans will go 8-8)
Jaguars and Texans will suck as usual.
AFC North:
Bengals: 10-6 (someone has to win this crappy division, might as well give the bungals a chance)
Ravens: 9-7 (Murdering people is cool. Helping your cousin buy cocaine is just as cool)
Steelers: 8-8 (Cowher might use the power of his chin to will the Stillers into the playoffs, but I gotta be safe and say 8-8)
Browns: 4-12 (This team is going to be absolutely horrible and Kellan Winslow will not even suit up this season)
AFC West:
Chiefs: 11-5 (they are guaranteed 8 wins because they just don’t lose at home. And I want Dick Vermeil in the playoffs so I can see him cry after his defense once again costs him a trip to the superbowl.)
Broncos: 10-6 (its fuckin’ cold up there. The broncos can get to the superbowl on the momentum of a possible Kobe Bryant conviction in nearby Eagle, Co.)
Raiders: 7-9 (Warren Sapp is a fat fuck)
Chargers: 5-11 (but they will still finish better than Eli’s team!!)
NFC East:
Eagles: 14-2 (nooo, I’m not a homer. The superbowl is a stone cold mortal lock.)
Redskins: 9-7 (Joe Gibbs will make them better but we will see the REAL Clinton Portis)
Cowgirls: 8-8 (Antonio Bryant and Bill Parcells will have a fight on national TV thus ruining their season)
Giants: 3-13 (Not only will this team be horrible and they will realize that Eli sucks, but they also will have to give up a high draft pick to the chargers. Tiki will once again lead the league in fumbles)
NFC South:
Falcons: 11-5 (Michael Vick needs to win lots of games so he can make enough money to bail his brother out of prison)
Panthers: 10-6 (This team can just as easily go 7-9. Those lucky close-game wins of last year will catch up to them)
Bucs: 7-9 (Eat shit Gruden)
Saints: 6-10 (Shawn Salisbury’s favorite team will once again prove that Shawn’s prediction abilities were as good as he was in the NFL)
NFC North:
Vikings: 10-6 (This division sucks ass, so the Viks should prevail)
Packers: 8-8 (Brett Favre has no more fathers in his life that can conveniently die in time to get him into the playoffs)
Lions: 5-11 (Come on, they are the lions)
Bears: 4-12 (DAAAAAAAAAAAA BUMS)
NFC West:
Seahawks: 12-4 (if the eagles are gonna lose a 4th strait NFC title game, this will be the team to beat them)
Rams: 10-6 (OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap)
Cardinals: 7-9 (They will have more wins than fans at their games)
49ers: 1-15 (This will be the absolute worst team in football)
Superbowl:Eagles over anyone from the AFC.
AND IF THE EAGLES DON’T WIN THE SUPERBOWL, YOU WILL BE ATTENDING MY FUNERAL. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT. Anyway, Half assed column this week. Oh well... D certainly does equal diploma. See you next week maybe.
-URAM
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