GOING POSTAL 2: it's fannnnnntastic!
Wow, I can’t believe I haven’t been fired for blaspheming the hippie bible that is Atom13’s BLOGSPOT. First off, Special thanks to Bruce Banner for being a huge pussy and not having the guts to respond to my first column. Obviously he was so devastated by the supreme verbal holocaust that I committed on hippies that he decided to gouge his own eyes out. Good going Doctor. However, in an online conversation with Dr. Banner, he did bring up a good point. THE BLOGSPOT NEEDS MORE PERSONAL SHIT HOUSING. So with that suggestion noted, I start my column:
NO LARA, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU. If you read the comments to last week’s column, you saw that Lara (The Supreme Comandress of all Hippies) is fully and madly in love with me. She is completely obsessed with becoming my wife. She won’t stop calling me, IMing me, and sending me cookies, hot croissants, and RC cola. Sorry Lara, but RC cola is not the elixir that will cure my heart from despising disgusting left wing liberals like you. Anyway, time for the MEAT (suck on that vegans) of my column:
COMMERCIALS THAT ARE SO ERRONIOUSLY DISGUSTING THAT THEY SHOULD ENRAGE YOU TO A POINT WHERE YOU WANT TO GO POSTAL.
When the average person watches TV, they see certain commercials that are funny, stupid, or just get their point across making you want to buy their product or service. Every now and then (more common than not) there comes along commercials so horrible, that you either vow to never buy the company’s product, or you long for the days of the old commercials that were better.
Commercial #1: MR. WENDY, UNOFFICIAL SPOKESMAN.
There is no limit to how bad I would destroy this man’s mail if I was his regular mailman. The premise of this commercial is sound. A man who loves Wendy’s so much that he goes around acting like their spokesman but really isn’t. Wow, that sounds clever and potentially successful. To bad they found the supreme chancellor of douche to be Mr. Wendy. Then the most grievous sin against humanity occurred: THE FUSION OF DOUCHE AND POETRY. It all came to a head with his “chicken strips salad soliloquy”. Mr. Wendy proceeded to butcher a medieval English accent using the words “Thy” and “Doth” in the same sentence as “For shizzle”. THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT UNTIL BILE IS THE ONLY THING LEFT EXPELLING FROM MY INSIDES. If you are ever in the car listening to the radio, and the “CHICKEN STRIPS SALAD SOLILOQUY” comes on, do yourself a favor. Swerve the car off the road, over the guard rail and into a ditch. The car will probably explode thus making the radio shut off. Man, I wish Jesus was still around. So he could resurrect DAVE THOMAS FOUNDER OF WENDY’S. And Dave and J.C. together can kick the crap out of MR. WENDY, unofficial spokesman, official scumbag.
Commercial #2: ARE YOU GELLIN’? LIKE A FELLON. I’m pretty sure no felons are using Dr. Scholl’s gel inserts in their prison boots. The only gel being used by felons is KY jelly during a daily ass rape of the Cell Block’s bitch (Probably Mr. Wendy). ARE YOU GELLIN? Like MAGELLAN. WOW, the key to Circumnavigating the world in a 16th century galleon is to WEAR DR. SCHOLL’S GEL INSERTS. No wonder many other explorers failed to accomplish the feat before MA “GELLIN LIKE A FELLON” did it in 1522. Eat shit Dr. Scholl’s. Columbus did something cooler and he was wearing inserts made by your rival: ACE Bandages.
Commercial #3. THE MOST ENRAGING COMMERCIAL IN THE HISTORY OF EXISTENCE: RIP, SLIP, BRUSH, AAH. THAT’S RIGHT, ORAL B’S BRUSH UPS. This product is a disposable sponge laced with toothpaste that fits over your finger. Its purpose is so you can brush your teeth when you are on the go. TOO BAD THE ONLY REQUIREMENT TO USING THIS PRODUCT IS 5 YEARS JAZZ TAP AND 3 YEARS CHOREOGRAPHED BROADWAY DANCING EXPERIENCE. ORAL B got a dozen out of work off off off off off off off off OFF Broadway, talentless, wanna-be’s to perform Oral B Brush-UP: THE 30 SECOND DOUCHICAL. If you have never seen this commercial, please try to see it because it is the biggest display of everything I hate in existence. They get these (can’t use the word I want) people to sing and dance around their office building so happy and refreshed that they brushed the front their teeth with a one time use brillo pad with some toothpaste on it. They dance around in sequence chanting “RIP, SLIP, BRUSH, AAH” yeah I said the same thing: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHHGGH GET THIS HIPPIE OKLAHOMA DISNEY CRAP OFF MY TELEVISION RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BURN DOWN ORAL B HEADQUARTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok…. Gotta calm down…. 3 2 1….. 1 2 3. what the heck… is bothering me?
ORAL GOD DAMN B BRUSH UPS!!! RIP SLIP BRUSH, AGUGUGGHGHGHGHHGHH!!!! I HAVE A BETTER METHOD TO ACCOMPLISHING ORAL B’S GOALS. Neuse, slip, jump, choke.
Anyway, that is all for this week. Next week: THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION review and also an NFL preview the likes of can only be found on GOING POSTAL.
HOLD MY DRINK BITCH.
-URAM
NO LARA, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU. If you read the comments to last week’s column, you saw that Lara (The Supreme Comandress of all Hippies) is fully and madly in love with me. She is completely obsessed with becoming my wife. She won’t stop calling me, IMing me, and sending me cookies, hot croissants, and RC cola. Sorry Lara, but RC cola is not the elixir that will cure my heart from despising disgusting left wing liberals like you. Anyway, time for the MEAT (suck on that vegans) of my column:
COMMERCIALS THAT ARE SO ERRONIOUSLY DISGUSTING THAT THEY SHOULD ENRAGE YOU TO A POINT WHERE YOU WANT TO GO POSTAL.
When the average person watches TV, they see certain commercials that are funny, stupid, or just get their point across making you want to buy their product or service. Every now and then (more common than not) there comes along commercials so horrible, that you either vow to never buy the company’s product, or you long for the days of the old commercials that were better.
Commercial #1: MR. WENDY, UNOFFICIAL SPOKESMAN.
There is no limit to how bad I would destroy this man’s mail if I was his regular mailman. The premise of this commercial is sound. A man who loves Wendy’s so much that he goes around acting like their spokesman but really isn’t. Wow, that sounds clever and potentially successful. To bad they found the supreme chancellor of douche to be Mr. Wendy. Then the most grievous sin against humanity occurred: THE FUSION OF DOUCHE AND POETRY. It all came to a head with his “chicken strips salad soliloquy”. Mr. Wendy proceeded to butcher a medieval English accent using the words “Thy” and “Doth” in the same sentence as “For shizzle”. THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT UNTIL BILE IS THE ONLY THING LEFT EXPELLING FROM MY INSIDES. If you are ever in the car listening to the radio, and the “CHICKEN STRIPS SALAD SOLILOQUY” comes on, do yourself a favor. Swerve the car off the road, over the guard rail and into a ditch. The car will probably explode thus making the radio shut off. Man, I wish Jesus was still around. So he could resurrect DAVE THOMAS FOUNDER OF WENDY’S. And Dave and J.C. together can kick the crap out of MR. WENDY, unofficial spokesman, official scumbag.
Commercial #2: ARE YOU GELLIN’? LIKE A FELLON. I’m pretty sure no felons are using Dr. Scholl’s gel inserts in their prison boots. The only gel being used by felons is KY jelly during a daily ass rape of the Cell Block’s bitch (Probably Mr. Wendy). ARE YOU GELLIN? Like MAGELLAN. WOW, the key to Circumnavigating the world in a 16th century galleon is to WEAR DR. SCHOLL’S GEL INSERTS. No wonder many other explorers failed to accomplish the feat before MA “GELLIN LIKE A FELLON” did it in 1522. Eat shit Dr. Scholl’s. Columbus did something cooler and he was wearing inserts made by your rival: ACE Bandages.
Commercial #3. THE MOST ENRAGING COMMERCIAL IN THE HISTORY OF EXISTENCE: RIP, SLIP, BRUSH, AAH. THAT’S RIGHT, ORAL B’S BRUSH UPS. This product is a disposable sponge laced with toothpaste that fits over your finger. Its purpose is so you can brush your teeth when you are on the go. TOO BAD THE ONLY REQUIREMENT TO USING THIS PRODUCT IS 5 YEARS JAZZ TAP AND 3 YEARS CHOREOGRAPHED BROADWAY DANCING EXPERIENCE. ORAL B got a dozen out of work off off off off off off off off OFF Broadway, talentless, wanna-be’s to perform Oral B Brush-UP: THE 30 SECOND DOUCHICAL. If you have never seen this commercial, please try to see it because it is the biggest display of everything I hate in existence. They get these (can’t use the word I want) people to sing and dance around their office building so happy and refreshed that they brushed the front their teeth with a one time use brillo pad with some toothpaste on it. They dance around in sequence chanting “RIP, SLIP, BRUSH, AAH” yeah I said the same thing: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHHGGH GET THIS HIPPIE OKLAHOMA DISNEY CRAP OFF MY TELEVISION RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BURN DOWN ORAL B HEADQUARTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok…. Gotta calm down…. 3 2 1….. 1 2 3. what the heck… is bothering me?
ORAL GOD DAMN B BRUSH UPS!!! RIP SLIP BRUSH, AGUGUGGHGHGHGHHGHH!!!! I HAVE A BETTER METHOD TO ACCOMPLISHING ORAL B’S GOALS. Neuse, slip, jump, choke.
Anyway, that is all for this week. Next week: THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION review and also an NFL preview the likes of can only be found on GOING POSTAL.
HOLD MY DRINK BITCH.
-URAM
2 Comments:
let's not forget the latest in bismal pepto bismol tv production. office setting where five hideous co-workers mime heartburn, indigestion, and of course diarrhea. and what better what to get that point across then through the macarana; the favorite dance of overweight, middle-aged women (category most likely to get the aforementioned symptoms due to a propensity to eat fried chicken pizza at 3 a.m.) whose only opportunity to feel "hip" and shake their giant asses is by performing this atrocity of lemmings at the annual family wedding of so and so. it's disgusting. anything that mimes what it feels like to have diarrhea is disgusting. and c'mon, nobody deserves mime.
~jeanie
By
Anonymous, at 6:51 AM, July 28, 2004
Uram, but what about the baby??? ;) He misses his daddy. AND he plans to vote for Nader.
Sincerely,
Yo baby's mama
By
Anonymous, at 7:56 PM, July 28, 2004
Post a Comment
<< Home