I AM THE LAW! Trial 1: Is Ashlee Simpson a Fraud?
Well friends, I’ve returned, I hope you enjoyed Uram’s column yesterday as much as I did.
Before I get started, I’d to give two quick shout-outs to loyal visitors AliMac and Poison Ivy. Ivy is especially surprising, because he’s stationed in Maine for the Navy, and I talk to him all too rarely. Great to know that they’re reading me all the way up North in Canadia.
Now, onto the show.
This one’s been brewing for a while, folks, and I was pushed over the edge last night. I had experienced a vastly entertaining evening with Kup and Jeanie in the Waterfront, drinkin’ beers, eating the World’s Largest Piece of Chocolate Cake, and taking in the “Bourne Supremacy” (solid flick- if you liked the first one, check it out). Upon returning to my humble abode, I noticed that Lara (of Going Postal fame) had added these frightful words to her Instant Messenger profile:
“Buy the new Ashlee Simpson CD!”
..and that’s when it happened: I lost ALL respect for Lara.
Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m not one to talk about music tastes. My love of Huey Lewis, Hootie & the Blowfish, etc, is oft mocked and lamented, especially by Jeanie. But ASHLEE SIMPSON? Even I’M qualified to take some shots at HER music. Who knows? it MIGHT actually even be good, entertaining music. As I like to call it: “Music that never hurt anyone.” However, it’s the principle of the thing that’s the problem, here.
First off, let’s discuss “The Ashlee Simpson” show on MTV. Not only is she the WHINIEST GIRL EVER, but the show is also centered on the following premise:
Before I get started, I’d to give two quick shout-outs to loyal visitors AliMac and Poison Ivy. Ivy is especially surprising, because he’s stationed in Maine for the Navy, and I talk to him all too rarely. Great to know that they’re reading me all the way up North in Canadia.
Now, onto the show.
This one’s been brewing for a while, folks, and I was pushed over the edge last night. I had experienced a vastly entertaining evening with Kup and Jeanie in the Waterfront, drinkin’ beers, eating the World’s Largest Piece of Chocolate Cake, and taking in the “Bourne Supremacy” (solid flick- if you liked the first one, check it out). Upon returning to my humble abode, I noticed that Lara (of Going Postal fame) had added these frightful words to her Instant Messenger profile:
“Buy the new Ashlee Simpson CD!”
..and that’s when it happened: I lost ALL respect for Lara.
Okay, I’ll admit it, I’m not one to talk about music tastes. My love of Huey Lewis, Hootie & the Blowfish, etc, is oft mocked and lamented, especially by Jeanie. But ASHLEE SIMPSON? Even I’M qualified to take some shots at HER music. Who knows? it MIGHT actually even be good, entertaining music. As I like to call it: “Music that never hurt anyone.” However, it’s the principle of the thing that’s the problem, here.
First off, let’s discuss “The Ashlee Simpson” show on MTV. Not only is she the WHINIEST GIRL EVER, but the show is also centered on the following premise:
Jessica Simpson’s little sister, stuck firmly in that place in life where you feel that everything your feeling is not only entirely original, but also of intergalactic importance, has decided to take voice lessons, get a band, and cut a record. We’ll follow her insignificant relationship with Guitar Guy (a rant for another time) through the trials and tribulations of 19 year-old angst (he didn’t sing me my song! WHINE!) as she writes songs about how the earth spins on its axis for he and he alone! All the while, she’ll tell us how she doesn’t want to be compared to her sister, and live in her shadow, and she’ll DYE HER HAIR to prove it! However, though she wants to stay out of Jessica’s shadow, she’ll
1) have a reality show on the same network
2) appear in all of her commercials (did anyone actually realize she’s in the “Buffalo Wing Chicken” commercial before the show?)
3) enter the exact same profession and
4) have her on the show as often as possible.
What an amazing idea! Kup and I have long agreed with Reel Big Fish that “radio plays what they want you to hear” and have actually come up against people who oppose this view! Well kiddies, this is flat out PROOF that if a record company realizes it can get your money, it’ll do ANYTHING to do it. Notice the following:
1) Until episode, I dunno, six of her show, Ashlee has NEVER performed. In front of anyone. Ever. Never worked a crowd, never played a bar, nuthin.’ She has paid no dues. She took voice lessons, and got to be Jessica’s sister. And BAM! Record deal.
2) She cut all her tracks, THEN picked the band. And she picked it mostly on looks. Yay.
3) Her voice is solid, but absolutely nothing special. In fact, I only give it a ‘solid’ rating because it sounds raspy and cute in a Karen Allen-phone sex operator kind of way. And that just sort of does it for me.
I could go on and on, but I don’t want to rant all the time about her just getting a deal, we can all see how absurd this is. So she has a record deal, feels important, whines about her boyfriend (“I’m over him.” Said on Valentine’s Day, during his concert, when he didn’t sing his new song for her, even though he dedicated EVERY song to her. I hate girls.) and SINGS about being in her sister’s shadow! RIDICULOUS! If you’re going to bitch about it, don’t live the EXACT SAME F*CKING LIFE!!!!
Not to mention that other than Jessica (who I think is a generally sweet girl that’s just a little flighty and spoiled) her entire family are jerks. I can’t believe Nick married into this family. It boggles my mind. He deserves so much better.
Anyway, disregard Lara, and DO NOT BUY ASHLEE SIMPSON’S CD! Don’t make it THAT easy for the record companies to win. Are the songs maybe good and listenable? Sure, they’d damn well better be. If I had three professional writers and a barrelful of 19 year-old teen drama, I could write a couple catchy pop-rock songs, too. Somebody throw me a guitar riff, and I’ll have lyrics for you in like, twenty minutes. We’ll go platinum, if we get MTV behind us. If you buy/listen to Ashlee Simpson’s CD, or even on the radio, they win, and it makes it THAT much harder for “random band you really like and saw open for that guy last week” to have a hit, or even cut a deal big enough they can live on. This is why I feel so terrible every time I end up watching the show and contributing her ratings. I want to SEE HER FAIL, so that we can see how much she REALLY loves music. If her record bombs, and she plugs away and learns how to be a musician the old fashioned way, and works her way up, and writes some good stuff, then God Bless Ashlee Simpson. But I refuse to unwrap her candy-coated Hillary Duff bubblegum rock because MTV tells me to.
C’mon, Lara. You’re better than that.
I’d like to think we ALL are.
Verdict on Ashlee Simpson as a FARCE: GUILTY.
Until next time,
Court’s adjourned.
-apk
2 Comments:
Ok, first off, I just want to know why you boys love picking on me so. I'm a nice person dammit!!!
Second. My profile was a half joke because I know that NO ONE is going to buy the Ashlee Simpson CD. To be honest, I'm not going to buy the stinking CD. I plan to burn my roommate's copy. Here's the thing. We were on a long three day road trip. She had the CD, we put it in. It's actually not that bad for driving. I'm not saying that I appreciate Ashlee Simpson as a human being. She's ridiculously annoying and certainly doesn't doest deserve the fame she has. I do recall saying to a friend during an episode of her show, "Oh no Jessica, what's that riding on your coat tails?" Ashlee Simpson is not an honest to God rocker chick. I understand her dilemma to want to distance herself from her sister, musically and otherwise (hey, let's face it, who wants to be compared to Jessica Simpson? All she does is remind you of your awkward adolescence...and then you realize she probably didn't have one of those and you want to hit. her. hard. And it wouldn't matter if you hit her in the head because it wouldn't hurt anything up there anyhow. And then you become even more infuriated because it's not fair when stupid people get that lucky!!! But I digress). But Ashlee did indeed ride the coat tails of her sister and fit right in on the MTV universe and they were more than happy to give the girl with mediocre talent and a pretty face and a famous family a record deal. There was no blood involved. No sweat or tears either (well, there were tears when she broke up with that boy in episode one. I cried too, but they were tears of laughter). Let’s be honest, she’s not the first person to ever get a record deal undeservedly, and she certainly won’t be the last. (Although, I would just like to note that Ashlee did write the lyrics for her songs- even if you don’t like them, they’re still all her effort, which is a lot more than some artists can say)
Listen Adam, and all ye who shall judge my statement, I will NOT apologize for actually singing along to “Pieces of Me” when it comes on the radio. I like the song, and I accept it for what it is, a passing fancy- along with both the Simpson girls’ shows(and you know you all have watched them at least once- they’re like train wrecks…you can’t help it). Eventually it will all disappear and real music will once again be on top. Oh no, but then what will we bitch about!! ::gasp::
Here it is. If you have a problem with the principle of buying the CD, I’m not guilty. I’m going to have it burned. I’m actually TAKING money out of Ashlee’s too big cargo pants. Ha ha ha Ashlee (yes, it is ridiculous that it’s spelled with two E’s…I was outraged at her at first too…but then I realized she had no control over the spelling of her name as a tiny newborn. That’s all her parent’s fault. So, we really can’t take that out on her, ‘tis a shame) Adam, you totally still respect me, let’s not kid ourselves, I’m awesome ;). Besides, I picked you up a little something for your birthday on my PA Road Trip. So, you better be nice to me, Mr.
Debating the legitimacy of Ashlee Simpson as a recording artist is comarable to debating the legitimacy of George W. Bush as president. It just can't be done.
So, let's lighten up, pop in the Ashlee Simpson CD, and imagine what it would be like to be 19 and driving around in a brand new Mercedes. Ahhhh.......
Jealous that I don't have tons of money,
Lara
By
Anonymous, at 12:28 PM, July 29, 2004
who is ashlee simpson...is she on "the simpsons"? more importantly, who are all of YOU freaks whining on and on about her? it's nauseating. if that kind of stuff bothers you, do like i do and don't have cable, don't listen to top 40 radio, and certainly don't surround yourself with people that do. and most importantly, don't lower yourself to their level by allowing it to occupy so much of your brain power. read some f'ing stephen hawking instead!! i've never heard the cd, or of her until recently, but i can guarantee you that it's NOT a "good cd for driving" nor should any friend of adam's ever own a copy (burned or bought) and singing 'pieces of me' is just downright embarassing. kup, you got my back on this one?
-- the "impossible" one
By
Anonymous, at 2:29 PM, July 29, 2004
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