THE MONDAY HANGOVER, PART I: New Jersey is FAR.

Well, it’s Monday morning, I’m exhausted, my back is cramped like it’s nobody’s business, and my wallet has a hole in it the size of Manchuria, which can only mean one thing:

The weekend was frickin’ fratastic.

Leaving work early on Friday, things got off to a slowwwww start as I had to stop by the PennDOT Licensing Center before hitting the road. My license had expired, so it was time to sit in line for an hour in order to earn the right to spend 2 minutes having my picture taken before picking up my new card. I'm certain in was in the 4th Level of Hell, I just can't prove it. Hooray bureaucracy!

(Digression one: I love the new Red Stripe (it's beer! hooray beer!) marketing campaign. Not only is it INCREDIBLE that they're actually hocking Red Stripe on TV, but they even make fun of the facts that: 1) the bottle is weird. 2) it's Jamaican beer, and tastes like that sounds 3) beer is fun! The commercials are simple, cute, and funny. I approve. THAT is what a commercial should be like. Everyone, please support this ad campaign by making "Hooray (insert noun here)!" your new catch-all exclamation. It's great as both a truly excited utterance, "Hooray Paycheck!" and also as a sarcastic remark (which I have preferred) "Hooray Syphilis!" Too much fun. Digression Over.)

Anyhoo, after the obligatory pit stop at SHEETZ for the ol’ Turkey/Bacon/Swiss Pretzel Roll and one of their NEW! Cream-Cheese Stuffed Pretzels (***1/2 out of four. Not quite McGriddle Level, but highly recommended nonetheless... somebody remind me to rank fast food this week), I spent the next SIX HOURS on the road. Not only is that the longest I’ve ever driven, but it was the most Boring. Drive. Ever.

I’ll sum up with a nice little diagram, try to use your imagination.

START END
PGH - - - - - - Somerset (20 min. nap)- - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - -NJ

If you’ll notice, I can do that diagram on one single X-Axis because it’s a STRAIGHT WESTERNLY SHOT across the damn state on the PA Turnpike (“The Best Damn Two-Lane Highway Full of Potholes and Construction, With No Scenery, PERIOD.”)
To sum up: It was straight. It was far. It was fun listening to all of my CDs and rocking out to Huey.

So I arrive in the Garden State just in time to rendez-vous with the roommate and BUFF and Mrs. Buff at Applebees. We partook in some Brewtuses (NEW CATCHPHRASE ALERT! “beer” has gone from “brain grenade” to “BREWTUS” –thanks to Nate, as usual) and ate dinner before I checked into the Hotel. It was then I learned that Matty Smith was screwing Kup and I over on the room bill, but that’s another rant for another time.

Shortly thereafter, the Wedding Party returned from the rehearsal, and we proceeded to head BACK to Applebees to get fratty. Perhaps the quote of the night goes to Big Brother Nate, who informed us, “Guys, we’re those guys who are so old, they go to Applebees to drink now.” After looking around the room, and noticing that we were the youngest people there not waiting to be picked up by mom, we all got depressed. Laughed. Drank more. The Frat way.

This is already getting LONG, so I’m going to take a break now, listen to some ESPN radio( FINALLY… GUY JUNKER HAS COME BACK… to PITTSBURGH!), and then I’ll be back later to recap the rest of the weekend, in serial form. Consider this a cliffhanger!

CLIFFHANGER: You're at Applebees in Jersey and Buff eats a pen.. Pees on your foot...Starts dropping F-Bombs at the bar. What do you do? What do you do?

and also-- if you have a wedding, and no one brings the rings, do you have a wedding?

In the meantime, give a hoot, don’t pollute!
-apk