THE ICEMAN COMETH

Long awaited, I know. Let the games begin. And for the record, his retort to number 10 is C-L-A-S-S-I-C.

Ladies and Gentleman, Grampy Staub:

A gentlemanly reply to the “Feminine Rules of Civil Romantic Procedure”:

1 – Ummm… no. We purposely act like a nice guy in the beginning in order to secure bedroom privileges with you, then we proceed to act like a dick. If you’re lucky, maybe we’ll always act like a nice guy. There are more than a few men who are, in fact, genuinely nice. (Some of them even read this website on a regular basis.) But alas, there are those who would abuse your charm. Just keep sifting through the weeds.

2 – I refer everyone to Banner/Gramps Rule #2, which reads, “Never be the first to say ‘I love you.’” We apologize for not addressing this issue more thoroughly. Ladies, allow me to be very clear about this, if you say those three little words, you put us in a position to do one of three things: A) stammer about clumsily as we try to come up with a reply that communicates to you the fact that we don’t feel exactly the same way, B) blatantly lie to you and say “I love you too”, or C) honestly say “I love you too”. When you say it, chances are you mean it, so in your ideal world we pick C. The silver medal would go to A, since this would inevitably lead to a conversation that will probably bring about the demise of our relationship, but also put the truth on the table. Better the truth than dishonesty. If a guy chooses B, that unfortunately sucks for you because he’s really just avoiding A. The stipulations you give for the appropriate times for us to say it are more than acceptable. Unfortunately, most guys fail to follow them.

3 – Agreed. (And I’ve been personally scorched by this very situation.)

4 – That hasn’t always been my experience, but I applaud your simultaneously old-fashioned/sexually progressive ways. I’m sure all guys wish there were more women like you out there.

5 – So girls are also able to make a snap decision between acquaintance, friend, and possible sex partner? Cool. Would you be offended if I just stuck a label on your forehead?

6 – Agreed. But can we tease you just a little bit by discussing it and then asking you to come with later in the day? Come on, it’s harmless fun.

7 – Fine, just please let us know up front what you’re feeling is that particular evening. Too many guys have been burned by exes who they thought just wanted some ass, then spent the next week dealing with a girl who was crying incessantly because the relationship wasn’t rekindled after the sex fest. Our initial fear is that you’re still hopelessly in love with us, and that’s why we will oftentimes ignore that overture. Again, state clearly what your intentions are, so nobody gets confused. If everybody is on the same page, then romp away. It’s safe and familiar and comfortable. And a nut busted on both ends is a win-win all the way around.

8 – Agreed. Stay firm fellas. Stay very firm. Always be in control where possible, and act so in every other situation.

9 – Agreed. (And how many guido Italian Jersey guys do you hang out with?!? No offense to Diyanni of course.)

10 – Our genitalia are on the outside. Heat, moisture, awkward positions, etc. all require immediate penis and/or testicle attention. There’s no way around it. Deal.

11 – Very informative. Thank you for sharing. Let the bedroom spanking commence.

12 – Here’s where I have my major beef. Don’t you think it’s good that a guy have female friends? Or do you simply regard all other females as a threat? (More Darwinism?) To quote Jay-Z: “Ladies is pimps too!” In this day and age, a girl is just as likely to cheat as a guy. You need male companionship supplementary to your boyfriend, right? Same goes for us. Our female friends help explain your behavior, and 9 times out of ten actually make our relationship better. I think they’re invaluable. If you’re having trust issues, then get to know that female friend. You’ll probably say that you still think she’ll stab you in the back, but let’s be honest here, that ‘buddy” of yours probably wants to wet his little willy, so we’re even. We can all work under the assumption that nobody is cheating, or we can spend all our time in rampant speculation. You pick.