WINTER BREAKout! -- THE WAYBACK MACHINE and the NFL

Well hello, hello, and welcome back to the Kingdom. Today is a special day. We’re going to jump in the Wayback Machine and set course for “late summer 2004.” When we arrive, we’ll take a look at both Uram’s NFL Predictions, as well as my own. We’ll see who was stupid, who was smart, and who got stuff so out-of-whack wrong, that I just can’t BELIEVE it. Now, on to the show. Stuff Uram said will be in Red, stuff I said will be in Blue. Current thoughts will remain in the Normal text colour.

AFC East

Patriots: 13-3 (Boston will be too busy killing themselves over the latest Red Sox Playoff Loss to the Yankees that they wont even notice).

Bills: 8-8 (There coach is named MALARKEY.. The end)

Dolphins: 6-10 (If pot gets legalized between now and September, then Ricky will come back to lead them to the superbowl)

Jets : 6-10 (Renting a stadium and fans from the Giants didn’t produce victories before and they won’t produce them now)

Miami is floating belly-up. You heard it here 117th. I despise every team in this division but Buffalo. Unfortunately, Buff's not that good. The Jets could make the playoffs, and I'll probably pick them to, in a minute. The Patsies look so indestructible, and I hate them so so much, that I can't even talk about them without the site crashing and burning like Craig Wilson. So let's move on.

Perhaps the easiest division to pick at the onset of the season, it’s interesting to note that Uram single-handedly jinxed the Yankees. He was also dead-wrong about the Jets. Me, I kept it nice and vague like, although I did pick them for the post-season.

AFC South:
Colts: 12-4 (Peyton Manning will MAKE SURE that he doesn’t have two consecutive good games before the AFC title game)

Titans: infinity-0 (ITS SAINT MCNAIR TO THE RESCUE!! STEVE MCNAIR IS THE BEST DRUNK DRIVER OOPS I MEAN QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL Seriously, titans will go 8-8)

Jaguars and Texans will suck as usual.

God, I hate the Titans, but they'll probably at least Wild Card it again this year. This is a tough division, which has two of the most interesting young teams in the League in Jax and Houston. The Titans' defense will be weakened, I think. They've lost too many playmakers in a row. Steve McNair, as much as I hate him, will use bailing wire and masking tape to hold himself together and practically WILL this team to the playoffs. Since I hate McNair and Jeff Fisher, I'm going to say they don't make it, though. Why? Because the rumours of Indianapolis's death have been greatly exaggerated following another gutwrencher to the Colts. It's WEEK ONE, people! Everyone conveniently forgets that the Patsies got embarassed by the BILLS in Week One last year, and they turned out fine. Peyton's going to get pissed, soon, and lead this team all the way to the AFC Championship game, again. Unfortunately, Tony Dungy's still the head coach, and he'll never win a big playoff game, ever.

I think this pretty much sums up how I know the AFC, and Uram knows the NFC (you’ll see how badly I picked the NFC in a minute). Interestingly, I figured the Jags for a playoff spot, and they almost pulled it off. I’m also a little impressed at how well I predicted TN to fall apart without McNair. Yay me. Although I’m not so sure that whole “Peyton in the AFC Championship game” thing, even though I think he’s REALLY due against the Pats.

AFC North:
Bengals: 10-6 (someone has to win this crappy division, might as well give the bungals a chance)

Ravens: 9-7 (Murdering people is cool. Helping your cousin buy cocaine is just as cool)

Steelers: 8-8 (Cowher might use the power of his chin to will the Stillers into the playoffs, but I gotta be safe and say 8-8)

Browns: 4-12 (This team is going to be absolutely horrible and Kellan Winslow will not even suit up this season)

First, as an unabashed homer, I'll tell you this about the Stillers: They're going to the playoffs. I think the AFC North is incredibly weak, and (even before yesterday's drubbing to the Other Browns) think that the Ravens are MASSIVELY overrated. However, are the Browns really that good?

The Picksburgh O-Line will be borderline excellent, so long as it stays healthy. Which is a BIG if. The Defensive rush showed signs of life yesterday for the first time in over a year, thanks to Dickie the Beautiful, and Tommy has shown that he's MORE than capable of running the offense for one more year, before Big Ben begins to routinely Strike Six. I honestly think they can go 10-6, with a few breaks, and win the Divison.

I'll go deeper. The Bungles don't take the step back that everyone's predicting, but I think the Stillers just take a bigger step forward. Carson Palmer, though he's from "The Pacific Dancing League" will do just fine, and the Defense will keep getting better. I figure the Browns are still kind of random, I can't even begin to predict if they go 5-11 or 10-6. Picking their games will drive me nuts all year. The Ravens are SUPER-OVERRATED. The Stillers and Titans showed how to beat them last year, ie: Make them Pass. I liked Boller A LOT when they drafted him, but it seems like the "QB Guru," Coach What'shisfrick (whom i HATE at Chuck Nunez levels) has him totally FUBARed. Until an O-Lineman gets hurt, roll with the Stillers.

Well, I could’ve never known that Tommy would get hurt and Ben would be the Offensive Rookie of the Year (we’ll talk about him fully when it’s safe to.) Uram and I both overestimated the Bengals and Palmer, but it looks like they’ll be on track for next year. I NEVER thought the Browns would be as awful as they were, so props to Alex for calling that one. However, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times: THE BALTIMORE RAVENS ARE THE MOST OVERRATED TEAM IN FOOTBALL. Thank you.

AFC West:
Chiefs: 11-5 (they are guaranteed 8 wins because they just don’t lose at home. And I want Dick Vermeil in the playoffs so I can see him cry after his defense once again costs him a trip to the superbowl.)

Broncos: 10-6 (its fuckin’ cold up there. The broncos can get to the superbowl on the momentum of a possible Kobe Bryant conviction in nearby Eagle, Co.)

Raiders: 7-9 (Warren Sapp is a fat fuck)

Chargers: 5-11 (but they will still finish better than Eli’s team!!)

I think this is the Bronocos' Divison, because I frankly don't believe in KC whatsoever. Ashlie LeeeLeeeee, who's MUCH better than Ashlee Simpson is going to be big time-- trust me on this. Jake Plummer loves making big throws his way. And that new RB? Good gravy. He's a talented bastard. Oh, and they actually have some semblance of a Defense. Something Dick Vermiel has yet to grasp.

other thoughts: The over/under of every KC game will/should be 50. Take the over. Every game the Chargers play, they can win, for two reasons: Tomlinson and Tomlinson. Okay, Drew Brees is also auditioning to every team for a new job, and he's a talent (I always liked him at Purdue). Tricky team, that's not as bad as you think they are. And the Raiders? They're in transition, and I don't think they can run the ball. They're good enough to go .500, but Warren Sapp and Ted Washington did Jack-Dick against last year's 30th ranked Rushing team yesterday.

Okay, “Every game the Chargers play, they can win” and “Drew Brees…is a talent” may be the two smartest things I said over the last year, just to pat myself on the back for a moment. Uram and I both had the Broncos pegged. His prediction that Vermeil’s lack of Defense cost him a Super Bowl wasn’t wrong—the Chiefs just didn’t bother to wait until the playoffs to tank it on D. Looking back, I did pretty good with the AFC. And yes, I’m as surprised as you are. Now, on to my weakness and Uram’s strong suit, the NFC.

NFC East:
Eagles: 14-2 (nooo, I’m not a homer. The superbowl is a stone cold mortal lock.)

Redskins: 9-7 (Joe Gibbs will make them better but we will see the REAL Clinton Portis)

Cowgirls: 8-8 (Antonio Bryant and Bill Parcells will have a fight on national TV thus ruining their season)

Giants: 3-13 (Not only will this team be horrible and they will realize that Eli sucks, but they also will have to give up a high draft pick to the chargers. Tiki will once again lead the league in fumbles)

Fly, Eagles Fly, on an easy road to the playoffs. They get to beat up the Giants twice. Split with the Redskins (Portis TRANSFORMS this team, and Arrington's going to have a monster season) and the Cowboys are smoke and mirrors, with Vinnie Interceptaverde, to boot. Oh, and I hate Eddie George. So to recap: Iggles win. 'Skins make playoffs.

Oops. Uram was right about the ‘Skins and ‘the real Clinton Portis’ I was wrong. Wrong wrong WRONG. Especially about Arrington’s “Monster Season.” The point, as always, is that I’m an idiot.

NFC South:
Falcons: 11-5 (Michael Vick needs to win lots of games so he can make enough money to bail his brother out of prison)

Panthers: 10-6 (This team can just as easily go 7-9. Those lucky close-game wins of last year will catch up to them)

Bucs: 7-9 (Eat shit Gruden)

Saints: 6-10 (Shawn Salisbury’s favorite team will once again prove that Shawn’s prediction abilities were as good as he was in the NFL)

Atlanta is consistently overrated, along with Vick. Tampa Blows. The 'Aints ain't that good. I like NORTH CAROLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA a LOT. They play defense, and they they're the best T-E-A-M (notice, no 'I') in the NFC. Jake v. Jake in the SuperBowl? Could be. Actually, that's just gimmicky enough, that I'm going to run with it.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Carolina screwed me so hard, I can’t even begin to explain it. And for the record, I still think if they would’ve gotten into the playoffs, they were the only team in the NFC that could give Philly a run for its money. For the record, people are finally starting to realize that Vick is an overrated, underwhelming passer. Uram and I were both wrong with the Saints, who just barely missed the playoffs. HE was dead on with the Cats, though, being that all of last year’s good fortune lead to them becoming a Black and Carolina Blue M*A*S*H unit this season. Dammit.

NFC North:
Vikings: 10-6 (This division sucks ass, so the Viks should prevail)

Packers: 8-8 (Brett Favre has no more fathers in his life that can conveniently die in time to get him into the playoffs)

Lions: 5-11 (Come on, they are the lions)

Bears: 4-12 (DAAAAAAAAAAAA BUMS)

Bears need another year or two, I think. Grossman's too young, and SEC Quarterbacks not named "Manning" need extra time in the NFL. I refuse to ever bet against Brett Favre, especially a Brett Favre that's one ring away from retiring and making "There's Something About Mary II: This time there's REALLY something about her, and I beat up Ben Stiller and steal the girl at the end. And I do it all for my dad." I truly despise the Vikings, and laugh that because of a big opening weekend, everyone will be on that bandwagon as they start out 5-1, again, like they do every year, only to have the wheels fall off the proveribal wagon. The Lions? I LIKE the Lions. My NFC Sleeper. Fun, fun team with a LOT of weapons, and just as I believe Drew Brees can be good, I think Harrington can be better. Maybe they make the playoffs, let's see.

Please go back and read what I wrote about the Vikings. That prediction is so good, that it almost gets me off the hook for the whole “Detroit makes the playoffs” thing. You were about to rake me over the coals for that one, right--- but WAIT! I posted this the next day:

[Charles Rogers and] Dre Bly's hurt, too. Forget everything I said about Detroit. Marc's analysis is dead on. See what happens when you try to have a little fun with your picks? The Football Gods Smote you. If you're keeping score at home, let's make that Atlanta, and have them lose like the Lions.

NFC West:
Seahawks: 12-4 (if the eagles are gonna lose a 4th strait NFC title game, this will be the team to beat them)

Rams: 10-6 (OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap)

Cardinals: 7-9 (They will have more wins than fans at their games)

49ers: 1-15 (This will be the absolute worst team in football)

Seahawks are the only real team in this division, they win it in a walk. I can't even remember who else is there.

Well, Uram and I, like everyone in America, actually expected great things from Seattle. Probably the single-biggest OOPS of the year. At least they made the playoffs. ‘Lex showed excellent foresight with both the Cards and Niners, though, and he truly understands the Rams.

As for the Playoffs, Uram limited his analysis to the following:

Superbowl:Eagles over anyone from the AFC.
So there you have it. Overall, he was pretty much spot-on, this season. Way to go, Uram.

Here are my pre-season playoff picks:

AFC PLAYOFFS:
Home Field: Patriots
First Round Bye: Indy

Pittsburgh defeats Jets
Denver defeats Jacksonville

Let’s stop right there- I successfully predicted 5 of the 6 AFC playoff teams? How the HELL am I doing so poorly in the Outback Challenge? After that, I just got a little cheesy with my picks, one of which I hope DOESN’T happen this season…

Denver defeats New England
Indianapolis defeats Picksburgh

AFC Title Game:
Denver defeats Indy

Denver over Indy? How the hell did I get to that?
...oh! just thinking this up, I figured Denver plays at NE, and Pit at Indy. I already said Peyton goes to the title game again, but Dungy can't win. And I refuse to say NE/Indy play each other AGAIN in the title game, with NE going to another SuperBowl, because that would make me cry. I don't think that the Steelers could EVER beat the Pats at NE, but didn't want to admit it. So I have Denver and the Snake with an upset, then they HAVE to beat Indy, because I already said Dungy can't win a big game. Frankly, Indy or NE will probably be there. But whatever. I'm going to stand by Denver, dammit!

See—I was stuck in a corner, and had to fight my way out. Good thing the whole “Pittsburgh with Home Field Advantage”thing changes all the scenarios. Hmm…..

NFC PLAYOFFS:
Home Field: NORTH CAROLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA
Bye: Seattle

Philly over Atlanta
'Skins over Packers

Panthers over 'Skins
Philly over Seattle

Panthers over Philly

This could go a bunch of ways. For the Record-- if the 'Skins play Philly in the playoffs, I think the 'Skins beat them. It's only a hunch, and Wash probably won't even make the playoffs. I'm just having fun here, and trying to make some unconventional picks, because I really don't know the NFC that well. I think Carolina's the best team there, and I have a hard time seeing Philly in ANOTHER Championship game. If they make it, I almost hope they win. ... nah, I don't. I really don't like them. Seattle, I think, doesn't make it that far, they seem like the type of team that blows it at home against a Philly team with something to prove. But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

And BOY was I wrong. Damn the NFC. Dammit. I basically got 4 of 6 teams right, but had the positioning so screwed up, there’s no way ANY of this works out. But really, I named 9 of 12 NFL Playoff Teams after Week One. I’m feeling pretty good about that, too.

So there you have it, if you’ve read this far, I’m damn impressed. Now, just wait until you see my baseball predictions in April…. If the Kingdom’s still around by then.

Oh? What’s that- you want my Current NFL Playoff Predictions? Okay..what the hell?

AFC
Indy over Denver
SD over Jets

Indy over NE
The Team That Will Not be Named over San Diego

TTTWNBN over Indy

(A guy can dream, can’t he?) Besides, you GOTTA BELIEVE! WHY NOT US! By God We Take It Back.

NFC
Packers over Vikings
St. Lou over Seattle

Philly over St. Lou
Packers over Falcons

Philly over Packers

KEYSTONE BIG GAME AT THE END.
-everybody wins-

yes, I punted. Actually, I just refuse to jinx them. thanks.

-apk