GOING POSTAL: "A Word on the Criminal Justice System"

WOW, I actually made it past one week without being kicked off, arrested, or having Knips not talk to me ever again.  I must be getting soft, dammit.  Well if I'm becoming a pussy, I better talk about the biggest non pussies in the world: CRIMINALS.

 

Don't get me wrong, CRIMINALS ARE AWESOME.  MOST OF THEM DO COOL SHIT OR HILARIOUSLY STUPID SHIT (such as beating the crap out of douchebags, or calling in a police complaint because someone stole their bag of weed).   Certain crimes and criminals obviously are not awesome, thus the existence of my best friend, THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.  Oh, and any of the non-awesome criminals that escape the chair (such as rapists and child abusers) are either murdered in prison (street justice), or confined to a lifetime of  [having sex in a very uncomfortable place: like the back of a volkswagen] and eating their lunch off the floor.

 

Hey, is it me or has the number of criminal violations by current professional athletes skyrocketed in the last year?  This month, Larry Johnson just shoved his girlfriend to the ground, and Doc Gooden was driving drunk, hit someone, and fled the scene, among other athletes that are proving that they have no regard for the laws of the United States of America.  I say, send them all to Australia! (Oh wait, they don't send criminals there anymore). 

 

Well, in light of the recent criminal transgressions of some of our most beloved sports idols, I proudly present to you

 

ALEX URAM'S ALL CRIMINAL FOOTBALL TEAM

 

 

 <-- Bevis & Butthead, in case you can't see it...

 

 

BREAKIN THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAW!!!

Of the 509 current and former NFL players with Criminal records, here is my ALL CRIMINAL TEAM based on either how good of a player the criminal is/was or how serious/hilarious the charges were.   I know I probably missed a lot of them, but here are the ones that suck out the most in my mind.

 

Offense:  This squad has mastered the "Offense".

 

QB: STEVE MCNAIR (Titans) DUI.

QB: WARREN MOON (Oilers) Domestic Violence.

QB: JAKE PLUMMER (Broncos) sexual abuse.

RB:  O.J. SIMPSON (Bills) 2 counts of first degree murder ACQUITTED.

RB:  JAMAL LEWIS (Ravens) using his cell phone to set up a drug deal.

FB:  LARRY JOHNSON (Chiefs) shoved his girlfriend to ground; threatened woman at a bar with gun, domestic violence charges still pending.

WR:  MICHAEL IRVIN (Cowboys) cocaine and marijuana possession.

WR: ANDRE RISON (Falcons) aggravated assault.

WR: RAE CARRUTH (Panthers):  charged with murdering his pregnant ex-girlfriend. The charges were dropped and he pled guilty to conspiracy to commit murder.

TE: RANDY MCMICHAEL (Dolphins): Criminal Trespassing; public drunkenness; family violence battery.

TE: MARK CHMURA; (Packers) Sexual assault of his children's babysitter while she was drunk at a post prom party.

OL: NATE NEWTON (Cowboys) sexual assault; Police found him with 213 pounds of Marijuana in his van during a routine traffic stop.

OL: MARVEL SMITH (Steelers) Marijuana Possession.

OL: JONATHAN GOODWIN (Jets) Theft of several thousand dollars worth of merchandise from K-mart.

 

DEFENSE:  these guys should know all about mounting a good defense.

 

LB: RAY LEWIS (CAPTAIN OF THE TEAM) (Ravens) Double Murder. Charges dropped; pled guilty to lesser charges of obstruction of justice. Won Super Bowl and was named MVP.   First and only Super Bowl MVP during the "I'm Going to Disney World" era not allowed to participate in the commercial. 

LB: E.J. HENDERSON (Vikings) DUI, DWI

LB: ROBERT THOMAS (Rams) Illegally applied for and obtained phony handicapped parking stickers in order to park wherever he wanted on the campus of UCLA.

DL:  BRUCE SMITH (Bills) DUI.

DL JOHN ABRAHAM (Jets):  DUI charges dropped, pled guilty to lesser charge of driving while impaired.

DL: LEONARD LITTLE (Rams): Drunk Driving

LB: CORNELIUS BENNETT (Bills) rape, sexual assault

DT:  CORTEZ KENNEDY (Seahawks)--domestic violence;

FS: DEION SANDERS (Ravens)--aggravated assault, disorderly conduct, trespassing, and battery.

CB: AARON BEASLEY (falcons) simple battery.

CB: SAMARE ROLLE (Ravens) Domestic Violence Assault.

 

WHAT A TEAM!!!  I WAS THINKING OF SOME GOOD TEAM NAMES…   SINCE THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION IS REGARDED BY MANY AMERICANS AS BEING CLOSET CRIMINALS, WE CAN HAVE THEM AND THE BIG OIL COMPANIES (or HALLIBURTON) OWN THE TEAM!  HERE ARE SOME POSSIBLE TEAM NAMES:

 

EXXON PRESENTS:  DUBBYA'S BITCH SLAPPERS

LUKOIL PRESENTS: CONDIE'S CONVICTS

SUNOCO PRESENTS: DONALD'S GRAVE DIGGERS

HALLIBURTON PRESENTS: DICK'S DEFENDANTS

La Compañía Mexicana Central del Petróleo presenta: ALBERTO'S ESPOSAS DE HOMBRE (man wives).

 

Anyway, that's all I got.  Until next week, commit as many crimes as you can get away with, and if you get caught, just have your public defender cite THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA VS. ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPSON or THE STATE OF GEORGIA VS. RAYMOND LEWIS.

 

-URAM