IF I CAN BE SERIOUS FOR A MINUTE: "Nothing Lasts Forever"
Sure has been a while, hasn't it? I'm sorry, really I am-- but i'm in a major crunch to make my billable requirement by the end of the November. INot only are my hours getting longer, but it seems I've always got something to do when I get home. The other night it was get a haircut and buy a topcoat, tonight it's "pack for Homecoming" and clean my room. It nearly sucks-- especially since I'm missing what's proving to be a great World Series, and a litany of shitty Penguins games... But alas, I must bill! And I'm going to have to make a run at it, hardcore over the next five weeks if I want to have a shot at all. We're talkin (gasp!) weekends, folks!
But not this weekend! This weekend I'm meeting up with Jack, Uram, and Special Guest Star Ballerina Sarah at D-Son for some good ol' fashioned Homecoming fun. Hopefully it will bring what has been a positively whirlwind October to a satisfying end.
Anyway, If I can be serious for a minute...
In what is becoming a theme around here, "do your best to bear with me" as I try to find time to post more often. Also, I just haven't had a lot to say lately. I'm not very introspective these days, in that most things, and it doesn't matter if they're good or bad, are just rolling off of me. I'm not focusing on the good, I'm not dwelling on the bad. I'm generally happy, but greatly indifferent, about almost everything. I'm the only Penn State fan who easily shook off the Michigan loss, for instance. I don't know if I'm numb to my emotions at this point, or just distracted by life, but it seems like I'm simply not getting caught up in anything, and thus, aren't taking the time to notice what's going on around me. Thus, not much to talk about.
My trip to Arkansas to see Claire Classic was fantastic, and I'd love to write about that, but I can't seem to focus my thoughts long enough to do so. Comparatively, I told Carolyn "goodbye" last night, for what I wholeheartedly intend to be the final time. This should be wrecking me, and I should have something totally introspective and jadedly-romantic to write about it, but again, I can't focus my thoughts, and don't really have the inclination to write about it. I even tried this morning, for my own sake, to jot some thoughts down in my journal, about how I'm more than a little disappointed, somewhat angry, and moderately annoyed at the anti-climacticness of the way things sputtered to an end. However, I came up with nothing more than a collection of disjointed thoughts that started with, "After being uncerimoniously cast aside like a used piece of wet cardboard," and ended with "I don't believe my greatest failure was loving you, but in believing in you in the first place," I found that everything in the middle failed to truly summarize my feelings (at 6:33 this morning, at least) as well as those bookend insights.
So maybe I'm in a lull, though it doesn't feel like it. I love my job, am happy with my life (though there's a gaping hole where my three biggest friendships of the last year used to be), and am excited about my prospects for the future. Especially in light of the way I felt totally re-invigorated following my time spent with Claire Classic. To paraphrase Captain Kirk from Star Trek II (who himself quotes Dickens), perhaps it is to a "Far, far better resting place" that the Old APK goes to, than I have ever known. For though a mere two weeks ago, I felt old and out of place, like Kirk (and you really should see Trek II-- which is just a great movie, regardless of it's Geek Factor), I feel young now, for the first time in ages.
Though I fear that I will come to regret the decision I made last night to say goodbye, I simultaneously feel that there is just as great a chance that finding the strength to move on, so that I no longer suffer needlessly in the face of a hopeless dream, could become "A far, far better thing I do, than I have ever done."
The worst part is that only time will tell.
Song of the Day is, quite appropriately, "Goodbye" by Hootie & the Blowfish.
-apk
1 Comments:
In the spirit of goodbyes, I am posting for what I wholeheartedly intend to be the first and last time. This isn't for Adam, and it's not really for anyone who's reading, but it's mostly for me because I've sat idly by through all these posts and let him cast me in any light he liked- and quite frankly I find it to be misleading in respect to our relationship and to my character. I don't expect any sympathy but I feel that if Adam were being totally honest with himself and everyone else, he wouldn't paint himself as the victim. I didn’t cast him aside but at the same time, I couldn’t promise him what he expected or wanted from me. I offered my friendship and that wasn’t enough. I’ve been offering my friendship for years and it’s never been enough. And now he says he has to go away, and that is his choice, and certainly not what I want. I feel that if he truly loved and cared for me the way he says he does, going away could never be an option, and in that sense, I feel like the “used piece of wet cardboard.” But I’m still not sad that I believed in him. I guess that’s how we’re different.
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Anonymous, at 8:10 PM, October 26, 2005
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