"It's the End of the World as We KNow It...(and I feel fine.)"
I should be more scared, right?
Or have I just resigned myself to defeat?
Maybe I'm just confident, I dunno. I know that I'm less than 60 hours away from the two most important days, ever, and it's not really bothering me. I don't feel the least bit prepared, and I feel a general sense of fear, but I'm not "emotionally distressed" (to cop a term from the ol' Torts Conviser).
I know that, because of the way I've pretty much coasted through life, I've felt a distinct feeling that someday, the other shoe would drop. Since it hasn't happened yet, and the most bitterly ironic moment for it to do so would manifest itself as "not passing the bar," I think I've become convinced it's an unavoidable truth in my life: I will fail the first time. But, since I can't even be a fatalist (for once) without being overly analytical, I realize that believing I'll fail will merely result in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So what do I truly believe?
It's gonna be close, folks. Real close. I'm predicting, right now, that, with a 272 (i think) needed, I'm clocking in somewhere between 265 and 280. Do I think I could've studied more. Surely, I mean- I certainly slept over the last few months. I had some fun, and I stayed sane. Would I have been able to sleep or kept my wits in light of all that hardcore studying? I doubt it. And in doing so, I would've crashed/burned/melted down while taking the exam. Looking back on the preparation-- I'm pretty happy with the amount of work I've put into it.
I just don't feel ready.
Though, I suspect, no one in these situations ever really does. I was expressing someone, the other night, these feelings while trying to refrain from being overly-melodramatic, and she sort of summarily dismissed them, saying that taking the Bar's not the end of the world, and it's not like I'm going to fight in Iraq, or have my life on the line, and that countless people do things of this level of importance every day.
Frankly, that sort of pissed me off.
I know I'm not going to fight in any war, and I know that plenty of people taking "boards" and big exams, and etc., every day. But that doesn't change the importance, and the pressure of this exam to ME. My life's been building to this week since I was 12 years old, saw A Few Good Men, and decided I was going to be a lawyer. In essence, if I tank it now, it's all been for naught. And that's a massively overwhelming thing to think about. I've had friend after friend tell me that I'm smart, and that they know I'll pass, and all that stuff, but the simple fact of it all is that it just adds to the pressure. Just like having a job, and knowing that I could be the office-disgrace/laughingstock in TWO+ MONTHS when the results FINALLY come out, has merely added to the pressure.
In essence, when you're the "smart one," you're not supposed to ever fail. And i've never failed anything more than a quiz. So is this time where I drop the ball? Is this the time where I find out that my Big Dream to be Lt. Danny Kaffee some day just goes up in smoke?
I don't frakkin' think so.
One of my favorite lines in any movie comes from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, where you find out that, yet again, Capt. Kirk has cheated death, played his cards, and come up a winner. With a simple smirk towards his bemused shipmates, the Immortal Shatner simply says, "I don't like to lose." (echoing the moral of a story he told moments before). When you don't to lose, you make damn sure that you don't. And I don't like to lose. I refuse to believe that I know that I know how to lose. And that may be one of my great secrets. That's why I don't ever give up on anything.
So I might crash and burn on Tuesday, who knows? (We certainly won't until October). If I do, the test'll be my bitch in February. But I do know that from now until Thursday, I've got to simply believe that there's absolutely no way that I lose. And that's the way it's going to be.
So that's that. Sorry for the meandering diatribe. It was more for me than for any of you.
I'll be back later this week. I do have Marc's bio to post, so it might show up in the next couple days. In the meantime-- DO NOT cheesily reply and wish me luck, and CERTAINLY do not tell me how certain you are i'm going to make it. Just send your Karma my way, and the way of all of the poor bastards about to enter their own private little warzone, and put their dreams on the line.
We can use all the help we can get.
See you on the other side.
-apk
PS: Gooder and I went to a Hootie and the Blowfish concert last night. 1) stop laughing. 2) HOLY CRAP were they GREAT live. I never in a bajillion years expected to be blown away, and it was honestly one of the best shows I've ever seen. Musically ecclectic (the new album's going to be good, i think) and HIGHLY energetic, it's a column all itself. Great, GREAT stuff. Honest.
Or have I just resigned myself to defeat?
Maybe I'm just confident, I dunno. I know that I'm less than 60 hours away from the two most important days, ever, and it's not really bothering me. I don't feel the least bit prepared, and I feel a general sense of fear, but I'm not "emotionally distressed" (to cop a term from the ol' Torts Conviser).
I know that, because of the way I've pretty much coasted through life, I've felt a distinct feeling that someday, the other shoe would drop. Since it hasn't happened yet, and the most bitterly ironic moment for it to do so would manifest itself as "not passing the bar," I think I've become convinced it's an unavoidable truth in my life: I will fail the first time. But, since I can't even be a fatalist (for once) without being overly analytical, I realize that believing I'll fail will merely result in a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So what do I truly believe?
It's gonna be close, folks. Real close. I'm predicting, right now, that, with a 272 (i think) needed, I'm clocking in somewhere between 265 and 280. Do I think I could've studied more. Surely, I mean- I certainly slept over the last few months. I had some fun, and I stayed sane. Would I have been able to sleep or kept my wits in light of all that hardcore studying? I doubt it. And in doing so, I would've crashed/burned/melted down while taking the exam. Looking back on the preparation-- I'm pretty happy with the amount of work I've put into it.
I just don't feel ready.
Though, I suspect, no one in these situations ever really does. I was expressing someone, the other night, these feelings while trying to refrain from being overly-melodramatic, and she sort of summarily dismissed them, saying that taking the Bar's not the end of the world, and it's not like I'm going to fight in Iraq, or have my life on the line, and that countless people do things of this level of importance every day.
Frankly, that sort of pissed me off.
I know I'm not going to fight in any war, and I know that plenty of people taking "boards" and big exams, and etc., every day. But that doesn't change the importance, and the pressure of this exam to ME. My life's been building to this week since I was 12 years old, saw A Few Good Men, and decided I was going to be a lawyer. In essence, if I tank it now, it's all been for naught. And that's a massively overwhelming thing to think about. I've had friend after friend tell me that I'm smart, and that they know I'll pass, and all that stuff, but the simple fact of it all is that it just adds to the pressure. Just like having a job, and knowing that I could be the office-disgrace/laughingstock in TWO+ MONTHS when the results FINALLY come out, has merely added to the pressure.
In essence, when you're the "smart one," you're not supposed to ever fail. And i've never failed anything more than a quiz. So is this time where I drop the ball? Is this the time where I find out that my Big Dream to be Lt. Danny Kaffee some day just goes up in smoke?
I don't frakkin' think so.
One of my favorite lines in any movie comes from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, where you find out that, yet again, Capt. Kirk has cheated death, played his cards, and come up a winner. With a simple smirk towards his bemused shipmates, the Immortal Shatner simply says, "I don't like to lose." (echoing the moral of a story he told moments before). When you don't to lose, you make damn sure that you don't. And I don't like to lose. I refuse to believe that I know that I know how to lose. And that may be one of my great secrets. That's why I don't ever give up on anything.
So I might crash and burn on Tuesday, who knows? (We certainly won't until October). If I do, the test'll be my bitch in February. But I do know that from now until Thursday, I've got to simply believe that there's absolutely no way that I lose. And that's the way it's going to be.
So that's that. Sorry for the meandering diatribe. It was more for me than for any of you.
I'll be back later this week. I do have Marc's bio to post, so it might show up in the next couple days. In the meantime-- DO NOT cheesily reply and wish me luck, and CERTAINLY do not tell me how certain you are i'm going to make it. Just send your Karma my way, and the way of all of the poor bastards about to enter their own private little warzone, and put their dreams on the line.
We can use all the help we can get.
See you on the other side.
-apk
PS: Gooder and I went to a Hootie and the Blowfish concert last night. 1) stop laughing. 2) HOLY CRAP were they GREAT live. I never in a bajillion years expected to be blown away, and it was honestly one of the best shows I've ever seen. Musically ecclectic (the new album's going to be good, i think) and HIGHLY energetic, it's a column all itself. Great, GREAT stuff. Honest.
1 Comments:
Make the PA bar your bitch, like you were destined to do. That's not pressure, that's solidarity. I'll give you the mantra I have adopted for the next couple days: One doesn't have to memorize the entire Convisor Mini-review to pass the bar.
By
DutchGirl, at 3:26 PM, July 24, 2005
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