FROM THE VAULT: "Going Postal II"

Some things never cease to be awesome. Behold, "Going Postal II", one of Uram's original columns.  Because two years go by way too fast, and it's fun to look back at how cool the Kingdom used to be, before I grew up and got boring.

Wow, I can't believe I haven't been fired for blaspheming the hippie bible that is Atom13's BLOGSPOT.  First off, Special thanks to Bruce Banner for being a huge p*&^% and not having the guts to respond to my first column.  Obviously he was so devastated by the supreme verbal holocaust that I committed on hippies that he decided to gouge his own eyes out.  Good going Doctor.  However, in an online conversation with Dr. Banner, he did bring up a good point.  THE BLOGSPOT NEEDS MORE PERSONAL SHIT HOUSING.  So with that suggestion noted, I start my column:

NO LARA, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU.  If you read the comments to last week's column, you saw that Lara (The Supreme Comandress of all Hippies) is fully and madly in love with me.  She is completely obsessed with becoming my wife.  She won't stop calling me, IMing me, and sending me cookies, hot croissants, and RC cola.  Sorry Lara, but RC cola is not the elixir that will cure my heart from despising disgusting left wing liberals like you.  Anyway, time for the MEAT (suck on that vegans) of my column: 

COMMERCIALS THAT ARE SO ERRONIOUSLY DISGUSTING THAT THEY SHOULD ENRAGE YOU TO A POINT WHERE YOU WANT TO GO POSTAL. 

When the average person watches TV, they see certain commercials that are funny, stupid, or just get their point across making you want to buy their product or service.  Every now and then (more common than not)  there comes along commercials so horrible, that you either vow to never buy the company's product, or you long for the days of the old commercials that were better.   

Commercial #1:  MR. WENDY, UNOFFICIAL SPOKESMAN.
There is no limit to how bad I would destroy this man's mail if I was his regular mailman.  The premise of this commercial is sound.  A man who loves Wendy's so much that he goes around acting like their spokesman but really isn't.  Wow, that sounds clever and potentially successful.  To bad they found the supreme chancellor of douche to be Mr. Wendy.  Then the most grievous sin against humanity occurred:  THE FUSION OF DOUCHE AND POETRY.   It all came to a head with his "chicken strips salad soliloquy".  Mr. Wendy proceeded to butcher a medieval English accent using the words "Thy" and "Doth" in the same sentence as "For shizzle".  THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE MY GUTS OUT UNTIL BILE IS THE ONLY THING LEFT EXPELLING FROM MY INSIDES.   If you are ever in the car listening to the radio, and the "CHICKEN STRIPS SALAD SOLILOQUY" comes on, do yourself a favor. Swerve the car off the road, over the guard rail and into a ditch.  The car will probably explode thus making the radio shut off. Man, I wish Jesus was still around.  So he could resurrect DAVE THOMAS FOUNDER OF WENDY'S.  And Dave and J.C. together can kick the crap out of MR. WENDY, unofficial spokesman, official scumbag.

Commercial #2:  ARE YOU GELLIN'?  LIKE A FELLON.  I'm pretty sure no felons are using Dr. Scholl's gel inserts in their prison boots.  The only gel being used by felons is KY jelly during a daily ass rape of the Cell Block's bitch (Probably Mr. Wendy).  ARE YOU GELLIN?  Like MAGELLAN.  WOW, the key to Circumnavigating the world in a 16th century galleon is to WEAR DR. SCHOLL'S GEL INSERTS.  No wonder many other explorers failed to accomplish the feat before MA "GELLIN LIKE A FELLON" did it in 1522.  Eat shit Dr. Scholl's.  Columbus did something cooler and he was wearing inserts made by your rival: ACE Bandages. 

Commercial #3.  THE MOST ENRAGING COMMERCIAL IN THE HISTORY OF EXISTENCE:  RIP, SLIP, BRUSH, AAH.  THAT'S RIGHT, ORAL B'S BRUSH UPS.  This product is a disposable sponge laced with toothpaste that fits over your finger.  Its purpose is so you can brush your teeth when you are on the go.  TOO BAD THE ONLY REQUIREMENT TO USING THIS PRODUCT IS 5 YEARS JAZZ TAP AND 3 YEARS CHOREOGRAPHED BROADWAY DANCING EXPERIENCE.  ORAL B got a dozen out of work off off off off off off off off OFF Broadway, talentless, wanna-be's to perform Oral B Brush-UP: THE 30 SECOND DOUCHICAL.  If you have never seen this commercial, please try to see it because it is the biggest display of everything I hate in existence.  They get these (can't use the word I want) people to sing and dance around their office building so happy and refreshed that they brushed the front their teeth with a one time use brillo pad with some toothpaste on it.  They dance around in sequence chanting "RIP, SLIP, BRUSH, AAH"  yeah I said the same thing:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHGHGHGHGHGHHGGH GET THIS HIPPIE OKLAHOMA DISNEY CRAP OFF MY TELEVISION RIGHT NOW BEFORE I BURN DOWN ORAL B HEADQUARTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Ok…. Gotta calm down….   3 2 1….. 1 2 3.   what the heck… is bothering me?

ORAL GOD DAMN B BRUSH UPS!!! RIP SLIP BRUSH, AGUGUGGHGHGHGHHGHH!!!!  I HAVE A BETTER METHOD TO ACCOMPLISHING ORAL B'S GOALS.  Neuse, slip, jump, choke.    

Anyway, that is all for this week.  Next week:  THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION review and also an NFL preview the likes of can only be found on GOING POSTAL. 

HOLD MY DRINK BITCH.
 -URAM

LINK OF THE DAY: "It's All About the Benjamins, Baby"

Dumbest. Congressional. Idea. EVER.

what a cheap move by a bunch of politicians pandering to the lowest common denominator with a quick fix. coming up next on CSPAN: Senators start a Ponzi scheme to eliminate the National Debt! Meanwhile, in the House, Republicans scratch off 700 "$1000 a Week for Life" tickets in hopes of helping fund the War on Terror!

Really, I have an idea. Let's investigate the fact that Exxon is posting record earnings, shall we? Let's sack up and take on the big oil companies, because the US Government is the only entity that can do it, right? WRONG. Everyone gets a $100! Which would've been sweet, back when it could buy me more than two tanks of gas.

...ugh.

apk

PS: "PROJECT: X", bitches!

LINK OF THE DAY: Obscure Movie Reference, "Have at thee!"

Initial reports indicate that the band of misfits is being led by a revolutionary known only as "Virgil."  Suspects are considered extremely dangerous.  Apparently, they became incensed upon hearing rumours of a Matthew Broderick/Sarah Jessica Parker breakup.  Local airfields are on red alert.


if you can name that Obscure Movie Reference you can either a) write a guest column or b) have a cookie.

new column to follow sometime 'round lunch (but i won't promise what day).
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Hey Babe, the Sky's On Fire..."

Hey everyone, welcome back to the Kingdom.

So it seems that my life's finally starting to settle into some sort of routine.  Not only does my energy level feel like's it up (indicating that my body's almost actually re-adjusted itself to the 6am - midnight timeline I've given it), but I'm also finding happiness in the simple little enjoyable parts of the week.  For instance, you can always find me parked on Jerry & Nat's loveseat, Monday at about 8:30.  It's always a great time hanging out with them (like I did all Sunday-- Karaoke Revolution is the Greatest Party Game Ever), playing XBOX, and watching 24 (LAST NIGHT WAS STELLAR! This Season feels like a runaway freight train...but I'll get to that in a minute).  Also on my list of "never miss" things to do is head to the comic shop on Wednesday evenings. If you ever need to find me, Phantom of the Attic on Craig, sometime between 5:30 and 6:30 on Wed. is a pretty good place to start.  I live for that.  Meet me there, and you might get dinner at LuLu's out of it.

Anyway, my point is that things are feeling a lot more settled, which means that I might, just might, start writing here a little more often. Who really knows? I've let you down before, I'm sure.

Anyway, what's unsettling is the Pirates 4-11 start.  I'm not talking about it yet, though, because I refuse to get pissy until May.  Then. Then I'm going to get really angry.  Let's just say that all of the optimism the city had built up over the offseason has officially dissipated in two weeks time. 

Moving on, 24.  I know there's not many of you out there watching it, other than Marc, so I'll keep it short and simple: this storyline, while occasionally predictible, has become one hell of a blast.  But be warned, if Audrey dies next week (and I'm convinced that my girl and her now ruined hotness coat have a big red crosshair on them) I may just walk away.  Even if the back-in-action Bill Buchanan is still around (although he'll probably bite it soon, too.).  Though I just had a thought-- perhaps all of the Big Deaths this season were done just to shake things up enough that we won't be able to predict anything.  Anyone could go at any time, and it's legitimatly scary. I was honestly super-concerned for Audrey last night.  Good writing, no matter how you dice it up.

What else do i have today? Hmm..not a whole hell of a lot, I'm afraid.  Let's try a little game for a moment: American Idol -- discuss.  Personally, I've been roped in by my roommates, and now I look forward to it.  Don't ask me why.  It probably has something to do with my genetic disposition to love Kellie Pickler.  As soon as I heard the words, "cute southern blonde," my interest was piqued, and i was hooked.  Though I'm a staunch Chris supportor. Now that I've blogged about American Idol, it's time to shut down the Kingdom forever, no?

Okay, well..that was a new low.  I'll catch y'all later. In the meantime, Song of the Day is a little James Taylor with "Carolina In My Mind".

be good to each other.
-apk

"A Clock Is Ticking, but It's Hidden Far Away"

A little Snow Patrol for y'all today, "Somewhere A Clock Is Ticking."  They've a new album coming out shortly, and I'd be lying if I said that I'm not anxiously anticipating it.  I know I've heaped praise on them long ago, but I been rediscovering their albumn of late, and I absolutely love this band.

Anyway, moving on.

I'm tired.  It's Good Friday, I'm headed to work, and I'm feeling unmotivated, bored, and lonely.  Have I mentioned that i'm beginning to develop a disdain for holidays?  They just constantly remind me of how incessently lonely this little life is.  It can be fun as hell, but it's generally unrewarding. It's like eating chocolate cake for breakfast.

Case in point: I had a great evening out last night. It was another in a series of PGH new lawyers happy hours that a girl from Law School's been coordinating.  We all got together at a little jazz club d'ahn t'ahn, and though we had to deal with panel-speakers and a lack of music, it was still good times.  Sprout and friends were of course in attendance with me, as was an unexpectedly kinetic Jeanie, whom it is simultaneously exhilarating and frustrating to have back in the mix.  Danielle was working over a new Beau, and I was sporting my handcrafted (by the organizers) "Perfect Attendance" sash.  The big scary bartender kept calling me ambassador.  It sounds lame, I know. It probably was- but what the hell? It was fun.

So when it was over, I was terribly disappointed. I was home by about 10 or so, and fought off falling asleep long enough the watch more than half of Eternal Sunshine (proof positive I'm feeling lonely) before my new shit-tastic DVD player kept freezing.  It's cranky.  That's what I get for spending 40 bucks on a DVD player.  Determined to stay up 'til 1 on a school night, I opted to fast forward through Walk the Line (my Verdict:  almost-greatness) to all of the singing parts.  I heart Reese Witherspoon, who's much cuter as a brunette, and I had to fight off the urge to download every Johnny Cash song, ever, before heading to bed.  By the way, I can't shake it, but Johnny Cash absolutely reminds me of my grandfather, though he never played the guitar. I don't understand this at all.  I suppose it's because I believe that Grandpap would've been a huge Johnny Cash fan, and I would've liked to have asked him about things like that before he died.

See, this is where my head's at these days.  I'm going to blame Jay Paterno, and Easter.  And maybe Damaso Marte. This is quite the post, huh? Am I all over the place, or am I all over the place?  At least I'm writing, right?

Anyway, let's try to move onto something less boring, pretentious, and sappy...

..actually, I got nuthin'.  Where the hell did all of my creativity go?  Is this what happens when you start growing up and working holidays?  Or is this just the result of prolonged muselessness? Ah, rhetorical questions, the mark of a weak writer.... I salute you.

Here's something to talk about:  Jean and I have been discussing "Ladder theory" the last few days. If anything can spark conversation around here, this is it.  I'll save thoughts until you've had a chance to give it a look and make some comments of your own.

be good to each other, and Happy Easter.
-apk

Ned? Ned Ryerson????

This is a really cool list of the Top 100 Movie Screenplays of all time. Unfortunately, I don't have enough time to write about it.  Three quick points, though, then you can CLICK ME, check out the list, and post your comments (yeah right).

1) I don't know what's a bigger shock: Eternal Sunshine actually making the top 25, or Groundhog Day at 27. Not that I don't absolutely agree with both.

2)  The Princess Bride at 84. Cool.

3)  No Death to Smoochy? for SHAME.

What's your favorite movie that didn't make it?

-apk

Quick Question for Video Game Football Players.

Okay, all of yinz that play Madden or NCAA, or what have you out there:

You know how when your opponent chooses an offensive play, it shows on screen what formation he's chosen, and it gives you five seconds to choose your defense?  If I'm playing someone one-on-one, and I wait to choose my defense until after he's chosen his offense, so that I can see what his formation will be (and by formation, I just mean the number of personnel, ie:  3 WR, 1 RB, 1TE,), is that cheating? or is it just playing smart football?

Discuss.

and I fully expect comments from Marc and Grampy on this one. Especially Marc.

-apk

If the Cops Don't Fit, You Must Acquit!

I am the white Johnny Cochrane.

...well, if Johnny Cochrane was still alive, that is.

What am I talking about? Well, I won my first "trial" yesterday!  Sure, it was a muncipal court criminal case for a summary offense of "Disorderly Conduct," but who's counting?  My client was looking at a $300 fine and even up to 90 days in jail.  Don't ask me how, but we won, and the charge was dropped. I really can't get into it, but let's just say that it probably had a little bit more to do with a flimsy charge than any sort of Perry Mason-esque work on my part.  That being said, I'm 1-0 in trial court.  I don't mean to cocky, but I am awesome.

I will say, though, that I don't even remember a 1/5th of the questions I asked during the quick and dirty hearing.  It was like I wasn't even thinking, almost as if I was acting on instinct. Really, really weird. Almost as though, someday, I might be good at this.

Any way you cut it, it was a cool experience, and it was one of the more satisfying moments of recent memory.

Here's hoping it's the beginning of a very long winning streak.

-apk

TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME, WOOT!

Boy was I gone a long, long time.

My apologies-- life keeps getting more and more hectic, and there's just not that much time to write anymore. It sucks, I know. (Although it's not like I've had anything interesting to say in a very long time).

First off, let's get some quick hits out of the way:
1) I told you Audrey DIDN'T DO IT
2) Last night sure as hell best not be the last we see of Bill "TC McQueen" Buchanan
3) POTUS? !?! are you kidding me. Perhaps the Ultimate in Diamond Cutter moments-- even though Jerry and I "saw" it coming (via process of elimination).  We knew it had to be him, we just couldn't believe it...crazy.

Anyway, it's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year, ladies and gentlemen. That's right! OPENING DAY 2006 has already come and gone-- and though my Buccos were not triumphant, Ollie pitched one hell of a little game, and I am enthused. I won't lie, though, the more Gavin poisons my brain with cynicism and makes me think about YOUR '06 Buccos objectively, the sadder I become. But no matter! I will at least enjoy this first week of the season (so long as we don't start out like the Pens). And with Kup & Brandi coming to visit as part of Kup and Mine's 8th Annual Home Opener Extravaganza, I couldn't be more psyched about this coming Monday, when the boys come home and open up against KGbeast's Dodgers.  Good stuff.

What's that? You want my EXPERT Baseball picks? Eh, sure, why the hell not!*

*Warning-- I've not given these much thought. Consider them Gut Instincts.

American League  (# denotes Wild Card pick)
East
Yankees
Red Sox
Blue Jays
Orioles
Devil Rays

thoughts:  The Yankees have no pitching, the Red Sox had too much turnover. The Yanks are going to score somewhere around 6 jillion runs, and everyone's feeling the Wrath of the Boss. Another Eastern Div. Pennant is in the mix.  The Jays are the new Mets. I'm not impressed with their free agents. You can't just overpay middling free agents (Burnett, Ryan, I'm looking at YOU) and expect to win.  Just ask the Redskins

Central
Indians
Twins (*)
White Sox
Tigers
Royals

thoughts:  I don't believe in the White Sox. Even with the power of Rob Mackowiak.  They've got some great arms, it's true, but they have a very "2003 Angels" feel to me-- like all those 1-run games and lucky hits are going to catch up with them.  They do power the shit out of the ball, and I'm probably underestimating them, but I'm tired of everyone being all "the White Sox are going to repeat" when I'm not convinced they were even that good last year. Let's face it, they pulled a Stillers and got really hot at the really right time.   Finally, I need to believe in the Injuns to believe in the Bucs, so there you go. Ps: Haffner and Sizemore are studs (in a very non-Brokeback way)

West
A's
Angels
Seattle
Texas

thoughts: talk about a fall from grace. It was only like, four years ago, that all these teams were good (and that's using "team" lightly in reference to the Rangers. Other than Blaylock and Texiera, can you even name a Ranger? Didn't think so).  Now Seattle's constantly Iricho & Company, and the Angels have fallen all the way back to the pack. The A's AREN'T THE BEST TEAM IN BASEBALL, like everyone wants to believe all of a sudden. Though I do see Jason "nuthin' but singles" Kendall finally making the postseason. Whether or not I'll be happy for him is debatable.

NATIONAL LEAGUE (!)
East
Mets
Braves (*)
Phillies
Natty's
Marlins

thoughts:  God, I just can't bring myself to pick the Braves.  Not that they're worse than the Mets-- they're not. In fact, I think that the Mets are wayyyy overrated. I just don't see anyone else in the division being better.  The Mets lineup is so dirty though, 3-5, that I like their chances. Billy Wagner changes them, too. Watch as I talk myself into the pick....

Central
Cardinals
Cubs
Brewers
Astros
Pirates
Reds

I'll be honest: I look at this division, and I see the Cards run away with it at like, 92 wins. Everyone else feels .500.  First up-- the Cards aren't as good as everyone's saying.  I don't know if any team's as good as everyone in saying..it's like there are NO GREAT TEAMS this year. Which is kind of cool.  If they pitch okay and Rolen is healthy, they walk to the NLCS, even with SOooooooooo Taguchi playing like, every day. Keep in mind, this is the team that made Chuck Nunez a star.  The Cubs aren't that good, but I defy the herd mentality that says the Brewers are awesome. They are not.  I see the Cubs treading water just long enough to get Prior and Wood back, then make a run before breaking all their fans' hearts. At least I hope that's how it works out. Bill deserves it.  The Astros can't hit. Sorry, Rocket or no Rocket, I don't see them sneaking into the playoffs, AGAIN.  The Bucs will win 82 games. I will stop believing this sentence once VICTOR SANTOS (he's nasty) takes the hill tonight at 8:05 ET.  The Reds are the Reds. Home runs are fun.

West
Giants
Padres
Dodgers
Rockies

thoughts: Someone's gotta win this ass-division, right? Why can't the Bucs play in the West? I'll roll with the Giants, because they can pitch, and it seems like His Royal Roidrage is healthy.  If he's hurt-- all bets are off. That lineup blows. (Note: NOTHING would make me happier than to see Barry stink up the playoffs, again, before retiring. that would be fantastic.-- now that i've said that, pencil the G-Men in as WS Champions) The Padres are intriguing, but i don't see them doing much better than the .506 that got them into the playoffs last year. Though it could be enough, again. Jake Peavey stinks of Cy Young-- you heard it hear first, last season (look it up).  I want to see Nomar suck. I want to see Clint Barmes do well. That's about all i've got for the Dodgers and Rockies.

I'm not going to pick Cy Youngs and MVPs, cuz I've decided it's just dumb. How the hell can we know now? Umm..Pujols and ARod? Probably-- why? Cuz everyone PICKS THEM NOW. No one ever stops to see who deserves it most (Papi, i'm talking to YOU, even though I hate you). Pujols deserves it all the time, though. Kid can rake. You heard it here..umm...100th?

Playoffs
Cardinals over Braves
Giants over Mets
Cardinals over Giants
 
Yankees over White Sox
A's over Injuns
Yankees over A's

Cardinals over Yankees (6) -- Steinbrenner then buys Team Japan, wins WS every season, cuz they're so 'scrappy'..

..and yes, i'm becoming a SABRtician-- go to www.firejoemorgan.blogspot.com   true enlightening genius.

be good to each other, and PLAY BALL!
-apk