Talk about a great line...

I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.

    -Babe Ruth

Bienvenido a Miami!

Okay, probably.  It might still be !Bienvenido a Tempe! but it looks like State is the odds on favourite to head to the Orange Bowl, by virtue of their clinching the

 

2005 BIG{11}TEN CHAMPIONSHIP!!!

 

Here's the thing-- Penn State football is my favourite sports team not called the "Pittsburgh Pirates."  They mean FAR more to me than the Stillers. It's true, it's true. This, probably their most unexpectedly good season in team history, has been one hell of a ride, and I just hope it ends with a great win in Miami.  With any luck, perhaps Beddy, Grampy, and someone else will be willing to go along for the ride?

 

And I will swear to you: if the football gods smile upon Happy Valley, and the Nits end up playing in Pasadena, I don't care if i have to walk there-- you can count on me at least standing outside of the National Championship Game.

 

That being said- here's an AWESOME LINK -- click on the menu where it says "Rose Bowl 2" for a downloadable NCAA version of TECMO SUPER BOWL.  The only bad thing is that the Nits'll probably suck. Ah well, they will have ZACK "Cadillac" MILLS, my former dad.

 

I have to run for now-- hopefully I'll post tomorrow with my Official List of Things I'm Thankful for in 2005.

 

In the meantime, mull over The AIW for 11/19/05:  It's NOVEMBER 19-- WHY ARE YOU PLAYING CHRISTMAS MUSIC???? THANKSGIVING HASN'T EVEN COME YET.... 'nuff said.

 

peace out-- give us some of your favourite PSU thoughts.  I'll hopefully put together a retrospective on the Lions, '95-'05, soon.

 

PS:  Let it be known that I want a Posluzny (#31) bowl-patch jersey, as soon as they're available. If not him, then the Lion King (#7).  (this means TELL MOM, ADINA, OR WHOEVER HAS MY NAME, GOODER!)

 

-apk

FRAK.

My favourite suit ripped today. Right in the, umm, ass. Not even cuz I'm fat, either. Nope, I was getting into my car, and as I hit the seat, it tore right along the damn seam. Awesome.

 

Needless to say, it's almost certainly unsalvagable.

Needless to say, I now have a jacket that doesn't match any pants.

 

Needless to say, I'm less than happy. The damn suit's about three months old, looks great on me, and I don't think I can afford another new one.

 

Yay, Dickinson.

 

Is it Saturday yet?

 

-apk

 

AIW: You're Not My REAL Morning Show!

Well, it's finally decided to snow.

 

Let's forget, for a moment, that it was 70 degrees two days ago, and try not to be totally depressed by the fact that it's SNOWING now, and that it seems that winter has finally arrived in the City of Champions.

 

I hate snow. I really do. Like most people, I like it on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Other than that, it's just a wet, cold, and dangerous hindrance to my way of life.  Driving in it sucks. 

 

Enough bitching on my part, I guess. Actually-- one more thing. Why isn't there a "degrees" symbol on the keyboard? I mean, we have two asterix(es?), and yet there's NO degree symbol? What do chemists and trigonometrists use?  Do you have to set an autokey (CTRL+D, perhaps?) like I use to make the "Section" symbol (ALT+S, if you must know...as well as ALT+P for the "paragraph" symbol). 

 

I just wonder, because it seems like the degree symbol is used semi-regularly, and yet gets hosed by the keyboard, in favor of such useless symbols like "pound" and the exclamation point.

 

I'm really stretching for material here, aren't I? Can you tell that it's been a long, boring week?

 

Oh! I've got something-- a new something I'd like to call the Annoying Item of of th Week (AIW). And yes, I tried really hard to come up with a cooler acronym, to no avail. Feel free to make suggestions.

 

AIW for 11.13.05:

Fake Radio Morning Show Spots

Are these playing in your market, as well?  Here's the way I describe it. I think that they're spots for NBC shows, maybe FOX, but I'm pretty sure it's NBC.  Basically, you flip through the radio during the morning, and you'll hear what sounds like a normal morning radio show.  Since mainstreak music is relatively lousy these days ( I honestly can't think of a recent pop song I like (and no, Kelly Clarkson's incessently catchy, min-numbingly unforgettable drivel doesn't count as something I like)) the best part of my morning drive is listening to the morning shows. 

 

In honesty, Pittsburgh's got a pretty gangbusters lineup of choices these days.  There are honestly about 4 morning shows I could listen to every morning, so I shuffle between them to see who's talking/being funny.  I'm only on the road for about 10 minutes a day, and yet I keep running into this LAMEASS spot where it sounds like a show, but it's really four actors acting like the most gratingly annoying morning show people EVER (think Bob & Tom, but trying to be hip), trying to convince us how "cool" a certain night's lineup of shows are. The cool guy voice'll be all "DID YOU SEE THAT LAST WEEK!!?!?!?!?!" and the chick voice'll get all, "YEAH!! I Can't beleive they got together!" and then the sardonic-guy voice'll be all, "whatever, i don't watch TV," but then the two other annoying hosts will lambast him and be all, "oh, then you're missing out-- this is one of the best shows on TV!!...and then it's followed by---" and they'll all do the fake Dan Dierdorff laugh(TM) and be annoying and then wrap up the spot by recapping which shows they love, what channel they're on, and at what time/day.  Lamesville.

 

See, what gets me is that they think that people are SO STUPID that they won't realize in, oh, about 4 seconds that this is not the normal morning show, and that it's a bunch of douchebag actors trying to sucker you into watching this week's thrilling episode of "Surface."  It's enough to make you want to drive your car into a ravine. 

 

So yeah, are these playing everywhere? 

 

And what do you listen to in the morning? I know Drew's going to buy Satellite just so he can listen to Stern for the rest of his life (even though good ol' Howard's constant self-grandizing about the move to Satellite is increasingly bombastic and unlistenable (which isn't even a word)).  I tend to really like the WDVE morning show, which is heavy on PGH Sports, and often features my Pittsburgh Dream Girl, local sports reporter Trenni Kushnerick.  And it's funny, too.

 

Alrighty, so this post kind of sucked. At least it's a post, right? Anyone....anyone???

 

...one, one, one.....

 

(That was an echo)

 

...alright. I'm done.

 

be good to each other

-apk

My Handwriting Analysis Confirms What We Already Knew:

I am Awesome.

 

Here's the online results of a little test I took last night...scary-accurate. Meaning it's probably so much snake-oil. If you want to try it out yourself, it's www.myhandwriting.com

 

Adam exaggerates about everything that has a physical nature. Although he may not intend to deceive or mislead, he blows things way out of proportion because that is the way he views them. He will be a good story teller. This exaggeration relates to all areas of his material world. Adam allows many people into his life because he is accepting and trusting. He is sometimes called gullible by his friends. That only really means that he trusts too many people. Adam has a vivid imagination.

Adam is very self-sufficient. He is trying not to need anyone. He is capable of making it on his own. He probably wants and enjoys people, but he doesn't "need" them. He can be a loner.

Adam is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Adam is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth.  This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts.  he finds joy in anticipation and planning.  Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned.  Adam basically feels good about himself.  He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success.  He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to.  However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach".  He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals.  A good esteem is one key to a happy life.  Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, his self-perception is better than average.

In reference to Adam's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Adam slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project. He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Adam can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Adam is talkative. He enjoys talking and socializing. He may talk when there is absolutely nothing important to say. He enjoys speaking.

Adam will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Adam believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.

Adam is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put himself into the other person's shoes. Adam will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Adam an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." He doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts himself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Adam is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Adam is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially.  According to the data input, Adam doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

in essence: i am Awesome.

 

-apk

 

DAILY DOSE: "This is the Remix"

I feel like P.Diddy.

 

My assignment today, should I choose to accept it (not that I really have a choice) is to take a co-defendant's Mot. for Summary Judgment, and basically remix it so that it works for our defendant too. See, the argument's all the same, so I just do a little Keycite here, a little cut/paste there and voila! Mix Master K, the Sun Dance Kid, presents to you the Remix version of "Pennsylvania Law Does not Recognize Contribution from Successive Tortfeasors."

 

It's kind of like bein' back in undergrad and writing a paper overnight...if you know what I mean. (Just be sure to cite sources, bitches!)

 

Word.

 

Well, not much else on tap. Yesterday was boring, and I somehow hit a wall right around "Colts: 28, Patsies: 7" and went to be about 11. I'm getting exponentially older every 17 minutes, I swear.  Tonight, though, is a little first date action with The Girl From Saddle Ridge (which sounds like an Eastwood movie... Million Dollar Baby meets Unforgiven...uh oh, I hope Clint doesn't read The Kingdom, he might get an idea and steal another Oscar(tm) from another worthier film like, "A Few Good Men II:  Still Can't Handle the Truth" ..but I digress).  It's looking like K-Pizz and I will be heading to Bar Louie and Dave&Busters in hopes extending the courtship process to another date.  Will there be updates tomorrow? Only if things go well, my dears.  If you've got any sage first-date advice, now's the time...

 

Oh, and I also make my Major League Debut in Motions Court tomorrow.  I'm starting for the Plaintiff (which is weird) and hope to not totally frak up a actually winnable argument about a tolling Statute of Limitations. I know that just went over everyone's head, except for KLE (if she's still out there) but I don't care. This is almost sort of big.  And here I am with my best shirt stuck at the dry-cleaners. This is what one calls "bad planning."  See, this is why I need a girlfriend-- so she can go pick up my dry-cleaning for me while I go on a date...

 

and now I leave you with one final question (not to make light of serious situation, but it really seems like no one cares):

 

If a riot burns Paris to the ground, and nobody gives a shit, because the French are so woefully arrogant the rest of the time that the world's just kind of laughing at them, does it make a sound?

The answer is, of course, "George Bush doesn't care about French people"

 

thank you, thank you-- I'll be here all week, and though that joke was so 29 minutes ago, you should still tip your waitress and try the veal. Wacka-Wacka-Wacka!

 

Uram- write me a column!

-apk
 

Two Links to take The Kingdom to the NEXT LEVEL

These are borderline hilarity:

 

First, Clinton Portis is certifiably insane .

 

Second, Cracked, the wannabe bastard stepchild of Mad is apparently back, and online-- they bring us this faux ESPN.com page, which basically sums up my personal war agains the webpage I can't stop reading (like 75% of all links are Insider links)

 

check it out here.

alrighty, tons to do today. Stuabbie-- where's my column? Not so easy, is it?

 

-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER: "...?...."

You're telling me that no one has any comments on that post from last Friday? C'mon! That's probably the best thing I've written here in close to SIX MONTHS!! Ah well, screw you. I've still got the NITS.

 

Well, this past weekend was 1 part awesome, 1 part boring.  A good, solid mix, if you ask me.  On Friday, I was lucky enough to put up Mr. Buff, Mrs. Buff, D-Sonic, Uram, Sal, and Broms as they used 2107 as their stopping point on the way to the Big J-Wain wedding.  Though limited, the time we had together was fun, as it was just great being back in the fratmosphere (which is a word I wish I would've invented four years ago). 

 

We headed to one of my favourite, most versitile bars in PGH, Sports Rock, where we played a lot of video games and did copious amounts of imbibing.  We played an awful lot of UB-QB, which is perhaps the greatest arcade game ever created. It's the one where you play one-on-one, throwing footballs through either the little "long completion" hole or the bigger "short completion" hole.  I'm basically the Tom Brady of UB-QB, as I rule when it comes to the dink/dunk/run out the clock aspects of the game.  Fun times.

 

But the REAL story was the CLAW MACHINE.  Y'all know the claw machine. Well, now the Sports Rock Claw Machine knows D, Sal, Uram, and Buff. And it will never forget them.  On about 20 bucks worth of plays, the boys amassed an UNHEARD OF 17 stuffed animals.  Truly. Amazing. Uram put it best when he said they should've earned a spot on the SportsCenter Top Plays.  I've never seen such total man-over-machine domination in my entire life.  A final rundown of prizes included 2 Taz's, a Blue's Clues Blue, Ace the Bathound, Krypto the Superdog, Zoe from Seasame Street, and much, much, more. Play of the day went to Buff for successfully grabbing TWO prizes at once.  This move, combined with his legendary catch of a live lobster, cements his place as the Greatest Claw Machine Player of all times.  Not to be outdone, whoever caught the Purple Tweety Bird in mid-air, by the legs, gets the silver medal.

 

We finished up the night with some Southside Steaks and had a few more brews as I thwarted the advances of Banner's highly-inebriated little sister.  Everyone wants a piece of Bruce Wayne, what can I say? (insert sarcasm here)

 

Anywho, the rest of the weekend had no chance of living up to that 18 hour period, so after I took everyone to Primanti's on Saturday, I bought some comic books and then picked up my girl, the Stratus, who is finally repaired. And Boy, does she look GREAT. Props to Wilbur for the top-quality repair work. 

 

Quick comics thoughts:

Justice #2:  I HATE that this fully-painted series is 12 parts and BI-MONTHYLY.  Which means it's going to take TWO YEARS to get to the end.  I love everything else about it, though.  Captivating setup thus far, and Alex Ross is still Alex Ross.  The storyline is basically an adult version of the Superfriends v. the Legion of Doom. Worth a checkout for the art alone.

 

Ex Machina #15:  What was my favourite comic for a good six months has hit a decided lull.  It's like, nothing's happening. Sure, the characterization and art are still top-notch, but between the "Mayor Hundred is gay" cliffhanger (that was never resolved) and the fact that he has no discernable antagonist at this point, has got me thinking, "umm...when's something going to happen?"

 

Captain America #11:  Okay, I've not read Cap in ages, but the buzz has been great, so I had to check this: the issue that once and for all answers the question, "Is Bucky, Cap's long-thought-dead sidekick from WWII (and by long-thought-dead, I mean "50 years") actually back from the dead as the Russian "Winter Soldier." I gotta admit, I had my initial problems with the idea when I heard the storyline, but this was a truly captivating issue that has me thinking the whole shebang was a great idea. I've been looking for a new monthly, and I've found it.  I wish I would've thought to check out my favourite character, sooner.

 

Batman: The Long Halloween:  I picked up this recent (read: 1996) Batman classic last week for two reasons 1) I always wanted to read it, and 2) It was one of the three comics cited by the creators of Batman Begins as a major influence. It did not disappoint. It deserves it's own column, and will probably get just that treatment later this week.

 

After I read my comics, it was PSU time. We all know how that went, and how it continues to go, and how I will NOT jinx them again. So I'll leave it at that.

 

And I'll leave you altogether. For now, at least.  I didn't do anything Saturday night, and I simply watched the Stillers alone on Sunday. I am desperately in need of people to hang out with. Where have all the cowboys gone?

 

Your Song of the Day is...umm....I dunno.. pick one.

-apk

The Tragedy of Man v. Beast

This is perhaps the most simultaneously strange, unbelivable, and hilarious story I've ever read.

 

I can see it now, a man is sitting in his house, watching the new episode of "Desperate Housewives" when he hears a CRASH!  He runs to his daughter's bedroom, responding to her terrified screams. Contingencies don't have time to run through his mind as he blows through her door, expecting to find a burglar, and instead halts, in horror, to see BAMBI standing over his frightened youngling.

 

Without hesitation, he channels his inner Daniel Boone, John Wayne, and Crocodile Hunter, and leaps towards the enraged herbivore.  Buying his daughter just enough time to escape into the hallway, he recalls the ninja training her learned as a youth at Camp Catchatoochie, and strikes the beast in its solar plexus, only to find that deer don't have solar plexi. At least, not where men do. 

 

In this moment of reflection, he takes a hoof to jaw.  Startled, but unphased, he momentarily retreats to the hallway, realizing that the best offense is a good defense.  He turns to his wife, who has run to his aide, shotgun in hand.  For a moment he thinks that his wife, standing there in in her hair-rollered, pink bathrobed decadence and brandshing a walnut stock-cobalt blue-steeled boomstick, has never looked sexier.  However, his primortial sexual urges will have to wait, for the beast has started rollicking around the room, smashing everything in sight and trampling his daughter's Bratz bedspread.  Angered by the potential loss of the sacred bedspread, which he bought her last summer for her 9th birthday, on sale, at the local Wal*Mart, the man realizes he must dig deeper than Wayne and Boone.  He summons his inner Neaderthal, that Paleozoic meathead inside us all.  His wife, recognizing the look in his eye from the last time her husband mixed Wild Turkey, Schlitz, and a Dukes of Hazzard marathon, backs away in awe.

 

"Keep the gun, baby! and call the POL-ice!" he yells.  "Tell Bobby Sue I love 'er, and go hole up in the den! If I don't make it-- you kill this sum'bitch before he gets to my bowlin' trophies, y'hear!"  As she heads for safety, little Bobby Sue comes to share a tender moment with her father.  She tugs on his flannel shirt and says, "Daddy, please don't die..."  Her father looks at her with a glint in his eye he's not had since he saw That Bastard Jeff Gordan crash live at Talledega, smiles a crooked smile and whispers to his baby girl, "If you want to see me kill a deer with my bare hands, gimme a "Hell Yeah...."" 

 

Bobby Sue, in tears, shouts an emphatic "HELL YEAH!" And while the beast lets out a snort-grunt so powerful, deep, and strong, it sounds like the noise that time forgot, he leaps into action.

 

In forty minutes of bare-fisted fury, he horse-collars, sucker-punches and generally pummels the beast until he nears exhaustion.  The police eventually arrive, but can do nothing but stand in awe, and bear witness to the spectacle from the doorway.  The man, covered in sweat, blood, and matted deer hair will not relent. He will protect his house. 

 

Though the beast has advantages in speed, agility, strength, hooves, and antlers, itdoes not have the man's wits, nor his unyielding heart.  Broken and battered, the man takes an antler first to his thigh, then to his gut, as he feels ribs crack and burn inside his body.  His lungs fill with bile as he struggles to stay concious.  Then, as though it was his destiny, his mind's eye sees a myriad of great movie moments, a message from God himself to stay the course, "Get, up you sunufabitch, cuz Mickey loves ya!" "My sons were better men!" "KAHHHHHHHHHN!" "I believe in you, Peter" "Never let go Jack!" and then finally, Bobby Sue and a simple "Hell yeah." 

 

Emboldened by his vision, he pounces like a wounded Cougar, and somehow finds a way to get atop the beast's back.  Instinctively realizing it has made an awful mistake in allowing the man position, the beast writhes and bucks in a brahmanian attempt to save itself.  And then, as the man wraps his arms around it's muscular neck, and the two animals' sweat and blood and fear mix for the last time, a calm comes over them both.  Their eyes meet, and for the first time, these two creatures understand one another.  With a solemn whisper the man can only say, "sorry, dear friend.." and use his last gasps of strength to twist its neck until he hears a "crack" so horrid, he is instantly convinced God does not exist.  As the animal slumps to the ground, the man falls to the floor in exhausted, bittersweet victory. Hating himself for surviving, he looks to the stunned policemen, screams, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!" and loses conciousness. His family safe, his heart, forever broken.

 

-apk

Fellow STATE Fans,

You're going to want to watch This .

Go Nits.
-apk

Even I Get Boreded!

Quick on hits on a Tired Tuesday.

 

- Monday Night Football and the World Series both need to start earlier. I'm too old for this stuff, and I wake up too early.

 

- I predicted a Stillers loss last night of 16 - 13. Glad I was close. Glad I was wrong.

 

- Heath Miller, be my dad.

 

- I'll admit it:  while the thought of a Pitt v. PSU bowl game excites me, as does a PSU v. Notre Dame BCS matchup, I'm actively rooting for an Alabama/PSU tilt in the Orange Bowl, for the following reasons:

         1) I don't like the Fiesta Bowl

         2) State v. 'Bama should not be played on turf (ie: the Sugar Bowl)

         3) watching those two Defenses tear each other apart would make for some GREAT New Years'   Day action.

 

-I hate to be all about sports today, but did anyone else think that Ray-Ray/Chicken Little bumper at the beginning of MNF last night was the worst two minutes in television history.  It's bad enough I had to deal with Stu Scott for an hour leading up to the game (Boo yeah! It's off the chain! I have one eye!) but then they pick Ray-Ray ( who wasn't even playing in the game) to do the intro? Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot? And of course the Disney movie Chicken Little and Monday Night Football share the same demographics. I hate being reminded that The Mouse owns everything.

 

-after watching Batman Begins three times since buying it, I can soundly say that it's still awesome. I'll let you know about Episode III

 

- I expected to see Ray-Ray standing over Chicken Little's lifeless carcass at halftime, after he got served by the diminutive avian Jimmy Neutron knockoff.

 

- The Virginia Tech and Florida uniforms from this past weekend are an affront to everything we Americans stand for. Frak Nike. Frak them in their stupid asses.

 

- Every time I go back to D-Son, it seems like the place gets prettier. I can't wait to have kids and show them what a real college looks like.

 

- 1 for 2, RBI in the Alumni Game. Most important stat: no injuries (though my hands hurt). 

 

-  President D. actually asked me how I liked "finishing up" at Pitt.  When I was blatantly taken aback by the fact that he knew me, he even joked, "See, you didn't think I'd remember, did you?" He's the best thing to happen to the alma mater, it's true. It's true.

 

-  Funniest moment of an otherwise uneventful Alumni Weekend: Uram in a t-shirt with the mulleted face of John Stamos that simply reads, "Have Mercy."

 

-I ate one cafe meal (the alumni picnic cookout) and it destroyed my intestines for three whole days. Nice to see some things never change.

 

- Market Cross still rules.  Quick story-- on Saturday night we had dinner there, my favourite restaurant, and one of the waitresses, who was in her late 30s, probably, was wearing a Rainbow Bright costume.  I have never felt like a dirtier old man in my entire life.  Ladies, take note:  Rainbow Bright costumes are hot.

 

- But not as hot as those slutty girls in the trampy D-son Public Safety uniforms. Good grief.

 

-It's a very weird feeling to find out that kids that lived in your dorm your senior year, that were freshmen then, are now back for their first alumni weekend.

 

-I'm finally getting the Stratus fixed tonight-- Rental Car update tomorrow. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't secretly pining for another Kia "Tony" Amanti.

 

just to see if anyone's listening-- i need good ideas for first dates.

 

be good to each other

-apk