This Is Where I Live.

Umm.. Yeah. I love this town.

24 Seconds about 24 (12:00pm -- 1:00 pm)

24 Things I Think I Thought While Watching 24 Last Night and Daydreaming About Burning Mattressess and Dodging Pepper Spray with Kurtastic, the Schwammi, Kupchelitis, and Gerald on Sunday.

1)  Raise your hand if you saw Walt Cummings's confession coming...What? No one? No kidding! How AWESOME was that? That's the Diamond Cutter of the Week. ...wait, you saw it coming? Well,  You Are My Hero....and a Liar.
2)  Nikki from Spin City, The First Lady, and the Return of Kim Bauer makes for a Holy Trinity of Racks. There's like, something old, something new, and something borrowed there.  Add Audrey's legs, and this is a very special year of 24.
3)  Secret Service Guy Aaron is the bastard child of Kujo and Kurt.
4)  Wow. Can't. Believe. The Nerve Gas. Was. Gone....
5)  HOLY SHIT! The terrorists are off the grid! Cummings has been backstabbed!
6) ...wait? What's this mean for Guy Standing in the Video Room with the Headset Guy?
7)  I'm watching Season 1, finally.  Nina's a bitch. That is all.
8)  Jack's jacket is awesome.  If I were ruff 'n tumble, I'd buy one.
9)   Ladies and gentlemen: a knife on par with Rambo's and Crocodile Dundee's.  It's small, sleek, and, obviously, effective.
10)  The President is such a pud.
11)  This episode needed more Curtis.
12)  Edgar with the Big Hack! You could almost see Chloe get hot and/or bothered.
13)  Jack should've given Cummings one more big special knee to the head, or something.  Also, he should've gotten cheesy and been like, THIS IS FOR MICHELLE!
14) Did anyone let Mike Novick out yet?  I can see him locked in a stable room just like..."umm..guys..helloooooo? it's me, Mike?"  Hope he didn't go to Teri Bauer Hostage School...ewww...
15)  24 is the new A-Team:  helicopter in every episode!
16)  Are Jerry and I the only two people who realize that the Chinese probably don't give a crap about Jack anymore?  Frakkin' President....
17)  "You've read my file..." AWESOME.
18)   I don't know about you, but I preferred the first Evil Russian to Yellow Tie Guy.  Yellow Tie Guy's too squirmy.  Evil Russian was tough and charismatic.  I miss him.
19)  Tony's in a coma, just so he can return with a vengeance (and hopefully a scar) next season. 
20)  Why the random shot of Nikki from Spin City and Derrek driving home at the end? Are they done for the season, or will we see them again?
21)  Currently Natalie and I agree: Jack should get with Audrey.  Jerry votes for Nikki from Spin City.  The lesson: I am a girl.
22)  Bill Buchanan telling Linn the Mole to sack up and be a leader was awesome.
23) Linn the Mole acting like he's got a pair was equivilent to the time Uram held Bows & Toes for a minute just to get his boys to go home. The opposite would be Taylor butchering "oMYcron."
24)  Yellow Tie Guy dropped his tie. Now what do we call him? Evil Russian Terrorist Guy?

See you next week, in the meantime, go "read my file," wherein you're learn of my affinity for gumdrops, unicorns, and hand grenades.
-apk

People Lined Up to See the Titanic Sinkin’ Instead We Rose from the Ash Like a Phoenix

Morning, glories, and welcome back to the Kingdom.  To quote a terrible song, "Where have all the cowboys gone?"  And by cowboys, I mean those former full-time Kingdomites like Lauren from Baltymore via Boston, Grampy Staub, Bruce Banner, and the ever-lovin' Kujo.  Man, I know I've been stinkin up the joint for the better part of six months or so, but can't anyone come back? I'm tryin, folks. Really. But my life is damn boring.

Anyway, thanks to good ol' Topshelf for stickin' with me.  You the man with the master plan, buddy. 

There's tons going on this week, first and foremost in everyone's mind is, of course, the SUPER BOWL.  This city is just buzzing, awaiting kickoff and hoping and praying that we're all celebrating on Monday.  It's just hands-down phenomenal.  We've got buildings with "GO STEELERS" written largely enough in big yellow letters that they can be read across the river.  We've got big video screens in the Cultural District that have foregone their normal ballerina and recital footage in favor of video after video of Arn-Drinkin, Black-'n-Gold-clad Terrible Towel-wavin' Stillers fans.  We've got the county Christmas tree turned into the "Terrible Tree," resplendent in black and gold.  We've got Washington, PA, renamed "Steeler, PA."  We've got 35,000 fans showing up at Heinz Field last Friday for a pep rally.  We've got about 300 million Stiller fight songs on the radio, including classics like the Steelers Polka and "Here We Go," to be matched up with newfangled comedic songs like "Polamahlu" (which, if you've not seen the video, is first recorded instance of a song being both "annoying" and "endearing" at the same time).  Hell, even the Phantom of the Opera had a terrible towel when I took my mom to the show on Sunday.  It's Stillermania, to be certain, and I'm loving every second of it.

Except for one thing. "Steelers Nation."  Turnabout is fair play, if you ask me.  I've griped long and hard about "Red Sox Nation," and how it's a super-lame catchphrase, and one that barely even makes sense, at that.  Frankly, I just never see a lot of Red Sox fans all over the place.  Though Steelers Nation is, by and large, an annoying name, I will admit that it seems like Stillers fans are flat-out everywhere.  There was a great piece on a local radio station last week about there really is a Stillers Nation, and that it was created when the mills shut down and everyone was forced to disperse.  I wasn't around back then, but it seems to have some legs. Is it possible that the Stillers are really "America's Team"? I sure hope so… Though I'd just much rather win.

Seriously, Pittsburgh, PA will probably cease to exist come Monday. Either jubilant fans will burn it to the ground, or despondent ones will commit mass lemmings-like suicides off of the hundreds of bridges in town, leaving the disinterested citizens (both of them) to re-populate.

I'll try to come back later with 24 seconds on 24.  Last night's episode was awesome.  That simple.  Song of the Day is "Diamonds of Sierra Leone (remix)" by Kanye West (f. Jay-Z), which has enjoyed a meteoric rise into my Pantheon of Rap/Hip Hop Songs.  Just awesomeness. Track it down if you can.  Sampling "Diamonds Are Forever," is pure genius.

Be good to each other,

Here We Go.

-apk

18 Days Until Pitchers and Catchers Report

LINK OF THE DAY: "Soooo Broccoli, mother says you're very good for me. But I'm afraid I'm no good for you."

If this can't get some of you into comics, nothing will...(expect a review from me upon its release).

from Newsarama.com:

Family Guy Comic to Start in April

With a fan-fueled revival under it's belt and a new season on the air, Fox's Family Guy is set to invade comic shops in spring, courtesy of Devil's Due.

Initial plans call for a three issue, prestige format miniseries shipping bi-monthly. Each issue will focus on one of the characters, with volume one, 100 Ways to Kill Lois featuring Stewie Griffen. The series format will be a hybrid, combining both prose and traditional comic book stories. For example volume 1 will begin with Stewie's thoughts on his family, and, obviously, ways to kill his mother, Lois, and then segue into a comic book story, and then finish with more from Stewie.

The publisher has tapped Family Guy writer Matt Fleckenstein to write the series, with art by Benjamin Phillips. According to sources at Devil's Due, the three 48-page issues will be collected later in the year, and if sales warrant, more Family Guy will roll out.

The move to comics is the latest product category for the property to invade, as the series already has toys, trading cards and books that are strong sellers.

The perfect-bound issues will carry a $6.95 cover price.

DAILY DOSE: "Tell You All the Times that I Failed"

If I were ever to learn how to write a song, it would start with a solitary piano playing a repeating, clocklike verse before being supplemented first with violins, then with lyrics.

And this is exactly how Yellowcard, my greatest "guilty pleasure band" starts its new album "Lights and Sounds".  In fact, I've never heard any song that actually sounded like the tune I've had in my head for the better part of a decade.  Needless to say, I was hooked immediately.   I read a Rolling Stone review today that talked about how they're far less 'emo' this time out, and a little more grown-up and sophisticated, and I wholeheartedly agree. I can't give a firm take on my feelings about the album yet, though.  I've only listened to it once through, and though there are some truly captivating stand-out moments, I don't feel like I've been hit in the jaw with any stand-out songs quite yet.

That is, except for "How I Go."  Your Song of the Day.  I'll sum up:  acoustic guitar, piano, violin, plus 25-piece orchestra, plus a duet with Natalie of the Dixie Chicks plus lyrics that unabashedly tell the story of Big Fish.  It's fantastic to the point that they should re-release the movie on DVD with this song running over the end credits.  It's truly beautiful, and it's got everything I love about a good song and captures the spirit of one of my hands-down favorite movies. And to top it all off, it's track no. 13, and I'm listening to it for the first time on Day 90.  When I opened the package today, I didn't expect to get punched in the gut by a trainload of memories and feelings that came screaming straight out of onlywhere, but it happened…

…and to be honest, it felt pretty nice.

Not that I haven't been wrapped up in those memories and feelings a lot lately, it's just that I actually reflected on things and smiled today.  I looked up at Orion, stalking me as usual from high above my apartment, and said hello.  It's a start, I suppose.  Maybe I'm starting to realize that "This isn't how I go."  We can only hope…

Anyway, do yourself a favor and drop a buck or two on iTunes and pick out a little Yellowcard. I'd like to think you won't be disappointed.  I'm a little bummed that the electric violin has been significantly ratcheted back from Ocean Avenue levels, but to paraphrase Rolling Stone, when you're making music this good, I guess you don't need gimmicks anymore.

"How I Go" is, as I said, pretty great, as is "Waiting Game," which feels like a sequel to "Only One," in a lot of ways.  But we'll get to that next time.

Good night all, be good to each other.
Post-up and say hello, and tell your friends that I'm more or less back.
-apk

ps: this time tomorrow, I could be a member in a private d'ahn t'ahn athletic/dining club. Let the transformation into Bruce Wayne begin. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

24 Seconds about 24 (11:00am -- 12:00 pm)

I came up with this idea about 47 seconds ago, let's see if it works (next week I should probably take notes).

1) Nerve gas? In Moscow?  How is this going to play out?
2)  Anyone know if ether is odorless? I'm thinking maybe the stupid first-lady doctors could detect it?
3)  I need a dimly-lit room filled with dozens of computer screens that constantly scroll Matrix-style graphics so I can just stand around in a black suit with a hands-free cell phone and be diabolical and menacing. I'm feeling that I'd get a lot more play that way.
4)  We need more Audrey. I heart Kim Raver. (and also- Trenni Kusinerick from FSN PGH.  LOVE her.)
5) No, seriously, we can spectro-analyze a rat in six minutes and determine it was killed with nerve gas (what were they using, Tricorders?) but we can't find out the first lady was knocked out with ether?
6)  Geek alert:  I'm convinced that the red CTU security shirts are a subtle homage to all things Star Trek. I feel very strongly about this.
7)  Chloe was priceless today. "...it was more of an observation."
8)   Curtis riding on the side of the  Explorer was just one of those moments that not only looked cool, but added a little something to his character. I like him more and more every six minutes.
9)  At the three-minute mark I realized that there's not four hours of 24 this week, like last week.
10)  I already hate yellow-tie guy. He looks constipated all the time.
11) At the four-minute mark, I realized that one hour of 24 a week sucks.
12)  Samwise "Rudy" Gamgee is pretty damn solid at nerdily bossing everyone around. Still not sure that I trust him.
13) Scissors! Give it that extra-push, Jack! Although perhaps he should've considered leaving him alive for interrogation.
14) Astute observation by Natalie last night:  Jack's new girl (hereinafter "Nikki from Spin City") could do what Audrey couldn't, "accept Jack for who he is"
15)  Bill Buchanan (James Morrison) is one of my hands-down favorite character actors.
16)  Question:  Was Jack hooking up with Nikki from Spin City, or not? Have we established this?
17)  I will not budge on this: Jack and Audrey need to get back together.  Must. 
18)  I'm not going to mince words: I find the first lady subplot tedious.
19)  Question:  If you only have Level 3 Clearance, how is it even POSSIBLE to "stumble" onto Level 5 restricted documents?  Does CTU have passcodes?  Do they even have ANY security?
20)  Derrek is the first NOT-annoying long-haired sissy-boy in the history of Television.
21)  Next week: It's Walt Cummings's ASS! I'm there.
22)  Thank GOD we didn't have to have a drawn-out Aisha Taylor mole again this year.  We all knew Spenser was a rat, I'm glad we cut to the chase.
23) As Jack ran to interrogate Spenser, I said that it would be legendary if he got him to talk within the 2 minutes left in the episode.  And it nearly was.  I didn't like the pussy-footing questioning of the little rat. I wanted something like last season, when Jack shot the terrorist in the leg, and THEN asked a question.  I'll take it, though.
24) The verdict:  A much better episode in hindsight as we take it down a notch to breathe and build plot.  The character moments were all done extremely well, and I suspect they will give this season an increased depth.

See you next time- until then, remember, "I'm NOT CTU."
-apk

Link of the Day: The Tom Brady of Onion Articles

Read THIS. Then come back later when I talk about this feeling I have...

...you know, the one where

PICKSBURGH'S GOIN' TO DA SUPERBOWL!

later
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Excuse Me, If I'm Being Blunt, but I'm of the Opinion..."

Greetings, friends, and welcome to the beginning of the end.

From the "random, but borderline hilarity" file, I give you: the Steelerbaby.  (Thanks to Gerald for the link)

I truly wish that all of you could know what it's like to live in a city that eats, breathes, lives, and dies a team quite like PGH does its Stillers. Sure, I guess those of you from Boston understand with the Sox, and you Filthadelphians have the Iggles, but I can't help but believe it's just a little bit different here. It's like..this is all we have.  In Boston you've got the Pats and a huge, booming metropolis. In Philly you have Cheesesteaks, the 'Sixers and the Flyers, too.

Honestly, if the black and gold drop this game on Sunday, there will probably be about 40% attendance at work on Monday.  If they win? Probably 85% just because people will want to go to work just to celebrate there.  No joke, this town is at a standstill. No one's getting anything done this week, and there's about a half-dozen "pep rallies" around town today.  I went to a big one last night at my favorite sports bar where the Best Damn Local Morning Show period taped today's show in front of about 1500 insanely crazy Stillers fans.  Two notables:  1) a girl who was wearing a terrible town and short. God bless her. 2) Some jacked dude wearing a full-on spacesuit-looking Steelworker protective suit (that was all silver) with huge black/gold/chrome pads and a chromed-out hardhat with a huge black cape/tunic with all kinds of gold Stillers writing on it.  Truly. Amazing. Outfit.  Last night was like the Star Trek Convention of Stillers parties, and I mean that in the best possible way.

Great moments include: 

1) A woman in the crowd actually chastizing Jerry for standing in front of her. We had fought our way towards the front of the crowd, and had settled into a nice spot right where the celebrities were entering.  Hence, we got to meet Stan Savran, local legend, and were damn close to Willie Parker and Verron Haynes.  Unfortunately, Jerry didn't get within striking distance of Ike Taylor ( www.facemeike.com). I would've loved to see how he reacted to being close enough to punch his least favorite football player ever. Anyway, the crazy-lady. The exchange went something...like this:

Crazy Scarf Lady (CSL):  You can stand wherever you want just don't get in front of me.

Jerry:  (perplexed by the randomness) Umm...okay, no problem..

CSL:  I've just been waiting here a long time (getting pissy) and you're not about to block my view.

Jerry:  (slightly sardonic) woah..it's cool...we're all Steelers fans here, don't go getting all crazy on me....

CSL:  I'm not getting all crazy on you... I've just been here a long time, and you're not going to move up and ruin it for me.

Jerry:  ... ... so, umm..how long have you been here?

CSL:  Since 6:30. (it's about 7:45 at this point)

Jerry: We've been here since about then, too...

CSL:  ...not here you haven't (meaning that particular spot)

...awkward silence...

Me to Jerry:  Obviously she's never been in a crowd before... you should've told her you quit your job today, and have been here since 1pm.  Make sure to lean over in a minute and make sure you're not being too loud...

Jerry (laughing) turns towards her, though still in disbelief at her randomness, in order to continue the fun, only to notice that two huge 6-footer meathead types had just taken up shop right in front of CSL... she said nothing to them.  We looked at her and shared a laugh.  CSL then left her incredibly all-important spot about 3 minutes later, never to be seen again.  I took a little artistic license with the transcript there, and it was probably funnier/odder in person, but believe it-- it was entertaining as hell.  You could tell Natalie (Jerry's Mrs.-to-be) was somewhere between entertained and embarrassed by Jerry's cross-examination of CSL.

2)  Remember the "Tom Brady Song"?  Well, the morning show guy who created that song, came up with one even better-- the Jake Plummer/Mike Shanahan/Denver Broncos Song. The WDVE website'll probably have it up later today. Most def. worth a download if you're a fan.

3) Did I mention the girl wearing the Terrible Towel?

All-in-all, it was a fun little evening, and it really is a great time to be a young Stillers fan. There's SO much fun to be had.  I desperately hope they don't blow it this weekend...

And with that, I bid you adieu.
be good to each other, and
GO STILLERS!!!

-apk

Link of the Day:

Holy schnikees! This thing is HUGE.  This yet another in a long line of scientific CNN articles that have positively baffled me... I can't believe that a brainless invertebrate can get THIS big...


i'll be back later with some randomosity. stay tuned.
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "I'm Getting Tired & I Need Somewhere to Begin"

Greetings friends, before we get going, I really need to get something off of my chest:

Green Day's Jesus of Suburbia is the worst song ever written.  The newly updated list goes as follows:

5) Bootylicious -- Destiny's Child
4) Don't You Wish You Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me? -- The Pussycat Dolls
3) Sex & Candy -- Marcy's Playground
2)  Jumper -- Third Eye Blind
1)  Jesus of Suburbia -- Green Day

There. That''s five extremely popular songs that I can't help but despise. And though, yes, my taste in music is suspect at best, I am confident when I say you all should hate these songs, too.  But let's talk Jesus of Suburbia.   Fact of the matter is- it's a few things:

1) arrogant-- "hey, we're frakkin' Green Day, and all we do is make ballads, let's go 12 minutes!"
2) unoriginal-- listen close. Hear it? Ring of Fire.  It's in there, bitches. And since it's on repeat, basically, for 7 of the 12 minutes, you can't miss it. (Note-- there's also ANOTHER blatant riff in there, and just never, quite place it...help if you're out there..)
3) It meanders. It really does. It sounds disjointed and is annoying, and it just keeps going for no other reason than, "we're a big time band, and we can, because radio sucks and they'll play whatever we tell them to."
4) It is yet another in a long line of songs that prove if the radio stations and music companies tell you that something is good, and then force it down your throat enough, you'll buy it. And by "you" I mean "teenagers".  See also, "Clarkson, Kelly" "DMB's 'Busted Stuff album," and "Anything by Madonna since 1992".

Rant over. On to the show.

------------

So much to do, and so little time.  Really, I never talked about New Years, but still hope to. I ain't talked about the Stillers (and how I owe apologies to Big Ben and Joey Porter) but don't expect anything until I do a retrospective after this weekend.  Also-- the Nits. Man do I owe you some quality stuff about the Nits. And the premiere of 24 (quick take: AWESOME) and the return of Galactica (also awesome...KLE-- how you do feel about your boy Lee wanting to die?)

Yes, yes, so much to talk about, and so little time.  But yet, I realize that I never got retrospective about last year.  And maybe I shouldn't. It's a tough call.  What a long, strange year. Seems like I lost more than I gained. Consider for a moment what I gained: J.D., career, Bar License, New Awesome Apartment.  Now think about what I must've lost to feel as though I came out behind... It just feels like so many people have come, gone, come, gone, come, and then gone again this year.  Or even worse, they just left and I never truly got them back.  Or worst of all, I left, and they didn't miss a beat.  It's hard to take stock of a year that featured so much change, especially when I don't know where I stand with so much of it.  Maybe when I figure it out, I'll share, in the meantime, I guess I just have to continue to be retrospective...

I know I'm looking for a fresh start, and I feel like I've already squandered the perfect opportunity for one.  Maybe, though, I just need a re-boot of things that are already here. I don't even know what that means. I just know I've been hitting up an old mix CD a friend gave me back during Bar Season the last couple of days, and I can't quite get over the feeling from today's song, "Somewhere Only We Know" by the awesomeness that is Keane.  Oh simple things, where have you gone?

Me, I'm headed to bed.  And I'm going to dream about CTU agents blasting through walls and shooting up evil Russian nationalists, and hope all the while that sometime soon, I learn how to write action like that.

God damn, 24 is frakking awesome.

Be good to each other,
why don't we go somewhere only we know?
-apk

ps: Grampy, where have you gone?

DAILY DOSE: "That's When a Smoke Was a Smoke, and Groovin' Was Groovin'"

Damn, I loves me a little John "Don't Call me Cougar" Mellancamp.  Today's Song is, of course, "Cherry Bomb."  That song never fails to make me feel happier.  I'm young and I am improvin'.

I only bring up the good 'ol days because Pizz and I had a great little conversation the other day about classroom games.  Sure, everyone played "hot hands" and paper football, but does anyone out there remember Pencil Wars? Or Perhaps "Bloody Knuckles."  I can't say I ever personally played these games (largely because I was a wuss), but we also got a kick out reminiscing about the War Tablet Game.

It's when you took one of those Elementary School tablets that were made of recycled paper. You know, the one's with the Big Blue Eagle on the front? Each side would take a pen and draw their army, battleship style.  Then, you would take another piece of paper, and flip it back and forth between the two tablet sheets using it to "fire shots" at your opponent's otherwise "hidden" army.  I remember we would make up impromptu rules, like each side had one "nuke" or if you hit the other guy's flag, you won automatically. Z and Pizz remembered this game with great fondness. It wasn't just an HW Good thing, was it?

That's about all I have time for today.  I'll be back soon with more of what you're lookin' for.

PS:  David Lee Roth's radio show sucks.  Someone remind me to rant on this sometime soon...

be good to each other,
-apk

PPS:  who's out there from "Grapeville" PA-- it's in the Greensburg area. Say hello, identify yourself!
PPSS:  special thank you to the unidentified reader from UPitt.  feel free to say hello, as well.

Link of the Day: GENUFLECT!

Listen, this is the Tom Brady of Blogs, so it's only right that I share these rules, courtesy of Onion.com/ESPN Page 2 writer DJ Gallo, who officially writes the funniest column of the week.  These are the 12 Rules for Paying Respect to Tom Brady.

Please memorize them, and follow them wholeheartedly while visiting the Kingdom. Thank You.
-apk

As you might have heard, Tom Brady claims the Patriots don't get enough respect. And I wholeheartedly agree. I mean, come on -- all the magazine covers, TV commercials, awards and constant media love the team has received over the past four years have been woefully inadequate.

That's why I want to share with you 12 simple steps I take each and every day to make sure I adequately show respect to Tom Brady and the Patriots. I hope you will incorporate them into your own daily schedule. (And it's 12 steps, of course, out of respect for Mr. Brady's uniform number.)

Twelve Ways You Can Better Respect Tom Brady and the Patriots
1. Genuflect whenever you say, read or hear the number 12. (That's four genuflections already this column. So do it. Do it! You don't want to disrespect Tom Brady, do you?! That's better.)

2. Refer to the current year as "Year 47," not 2006, as history did not truly begin until the Patriots organization was founded in 1960.

3. Take a life-size cardboard cutout of a New England Patriots player with you wherever you go. And be sure to include it in all of your conversations so it doesn't feel left out. It will speak back to you when you are worthy.

4. Shave clean every day. It is disrespectful of you to think you can pull off the sexy stubble look as well as Tom Brady.

5. After lovemaking, apologize to your partner for not being Tom Brady.

6. Boycott network television until every commercial features at least one member of the Patriots.

7. Petition the NFL to have all of Tom Brady's fumbles over his career stricken from the official league record book because of the tuck rule.

8. Never call it a "butt chin." It's a cleft chin. And know that gazing deep into Tom Brady's reveals the secrets of life.

9. Refuse to attend religious services until your local church/synagogue/mosque acknowledges the Patriots' playbook as a holy book on par with any other.

10. Have all of Bridget Moynahan's movies playing on a continuous loop on every television in your home. But never ever gawk or leer at her in a lustful manner. Tom Brady knows and sees all, and you will pay for such a transgression.

11. Every time you come across a baby goat, give it a long and passionate hug. Tom Brady would expect nothing less.

12. (Genuflect.) And finally, just to be safe, begin every sentence -- no matter what it's about -- with: "No disrespect to the Patriots intended, but …"

The Madison Geriatrics Football Club: Helping YOUR Picksburgh Stillers win Playoff Games Since 1996

Well folks, I won't lie, things were a little scary there for a while, yesterday.  Some may have thought that Palmer's injury would've sealed the deal from the Get-Go for the Ol' Black 'n Gold. But not me. I realize that John Kitna, and the power of The Lord would give the Stillers fits. It had in the past, it would again.

But I guess not even the combined might of 85's Gold Toofs and all the WWJD bracelets in John "I point to the heavens every time i sucessfully take a dump" Kitna's locker could trump The Mightiest Play in the History of Football: THE FLIPAROO!

Yes, friends, the FLIPAROO. Created by the joint efforts of Vinnie "the mini bus" DeRose and Mike "the safety valve" Ludwig in the days of backyard West Newton Football, it was popularized, and used to great success during the glory days of the Madison Geriatrics.  The Fliparoo helped us win many a Turkey Bowl, as well as many an "other random MLF game."  I would snap the ball to myself, and pass to Vinnie, our HB on the right flank. As i glided leftward, Vinnie would throw the ball back to me, as I would launch a deep ball to Jeff "Primetime Preppy J" Marn in the endzone. It didn't always work-- but it was successful often enough to garner the immortal name, "Fliparoo."

Those who've played backyard football with me know two things:  I've got a knack for trick plays and can throw a pretty good deep ball.  I can't put into words what it was like watching the Stillers put the proverbial nail in Cincy's proverbial coffin with one of my favourite trick plays. And just to prove that i'm not crazy, Z and Pizz, who played many a game against the Geriatrics (and Z- who has picked off many an errant pass by myself) jumped up as quickly as I did when they realized what was happening. I'm almost certain that we shouted, unscripted and in unison-- "FLIPAROOOOOO!!!!" as Ced the Entertainer awaited his first taste of the Stillers Endzone.  I love football.

Great week for football. Let's be honest. And that even without realizing that between the BCS bowls and the first round of the NFL Playoffs, I went 6-1 in my picks. My lone loss:  The Rose Bowl. Oh well.

My second round picks will arrive later this week.

I hope to write about New Years tonight or tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get to it soon.  Tonight, however, I'll be watching the Season 2.5 premiere of Battlestar Galactica with Aunt Paulette back at the old happy hunting ground of 707 Atlantic.  I've already seen the ep, and what can I say other than WOW.  THis is going to be some good stuff- and the season's just never going to let up.  Making Starbuck the Pegasus CAG was a brillant move, and the scene with her and Apollo where she begrudingly asks him for help (more because she feels badly, than anything) was truly great. I love their relationship.  The Adama/Roslin relationship is increasingly complex and thoroughly entertaining.  Helo and The Chief in the brig was entertaining, especially since I'm a big time Tyrol fan, and any episode that ends with "I want you to shoot Admiral Cain in the head" gets my vote a an above-average outing.  Now, we've only got a week until 24 returns, and my life becomes complete yet again. Who needs a girlfriend?

...other than John Kitna, obviously.

-apk

Wild Cards: "Expect No Mercy"

And no, I don't mean Hawkes, Damphoose, Wang, West, and of course, Vansen or McQueen.

(if you know what that sentence means, consider yourself my soul mate. I hope you're female.)

Quick Picks/Thoughts:

Jacksonville @ New England
Everyone in the Universe says New England walks here, because Jax hasn't beaten anyone, plays down to their opponent's level (meaning they'll eventually get beaten by a better team), and Tedy Bruschi is the Tom Brady of NFL Linebackers who have suffered a stroke in the last 12 months.  Not to mention the game is AT NEW ENGLAND, where the Tom Brady of Coaches and the Tom Brady of Tom Bradys are untouchable. 

I simply add that JAX needed two fumbles and an interception in OT to beat Tommy Maddox .

Winner:  New England

Washington @ Tampa Bay
Oddly enough, this game won't be actually played in the Bay.  Since I barely follow the NFC, and can't call this game at all, I'll note something cool I just learned yesterday:  the Pirates wanted to build a big Pirate ship at PNC Park back in the day, but couldn't find the loot to do it.  I've been saying for two years now, they need to put one on the other side of the river, give tours, and let kids hang out there before games. Then they can fire the cannons every time the Buccos hit a HR, and "Raise the Jolly Roger" every time they notch a W... Wouldn't that be cool?  I need to start a collection fund for them...

Anyway, I just remembered that though Tampa has a running back named "Cadillac," they also have a quarterback named "Chris Simms."  Who I hate. If they had Major Applewhite, I'd roll with the Pirates in the Pewter Pants.  Instead, I'm gonna go with the Maroon and Yellow- it did help the Yukon Red Braves capture the 1992 Yough Little League Championship, after all.

Winner:  Washington


Carolina @ New York Giants
NORTH CAROLLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA, come on and raise up! Take your shirt off! Twist it round your head like a helicopter! NORTH CAROLLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA, come on and RAISE UP! This one's for YOU, unh-huh this one's for WHO? for WHO? US! US! US!

..i also hate Eli Manning and Plaxico Burress. Tiki Barber could run for touchdowns against Florida State 100 times in the next ten minutes, and I'd still hate the Giants for summarily hosing Kerry Collins.  Plus- no more Jurevicious or Brandon Short, and cool unis will only take you so far with me.

In the NFC, I vote with my heart (at least in Round 1) and my heart bleeds Blue and White.
or, in this case, Carolina Blue and White and Silver and Black...

Winner:  North Carolina

The Stillers @ Cincinnati
Do you know that Cincinnati is named for Roman Praetor Cincinnatus? He was a farmer who was chosen to lead, then led the Empire to victory, then walked away from immense riches and power and returned to his farm.  Like Maximus.  And we all know how things ended for him.  Does this make the Stillers Commodus? Umm...Sure, yeah.  They'll dress all in white, stab the Bungles in the back, and then fight them to the death before losing...wait...shit. That's no good, either.

Let's try this again.

Do you remember that back in the '80s-'90s when Cincinnati had Sam Wyche and was good, they used to play "Welcome to the Jungle" in Riverfront Stadium all the time?  Coolest. Stadium Gimmick. Ever. Warrants mentioning.  They still play it at Paul Brown Stadium, but it ain't HALF as cool. Mostly because the video for "Welcome..." looks like it could've been filmed in Riverfront (or Busch, or the Vet, or Three Rivers).  Nowadays, the only cool thing that Cincinnati has going for it is that big tiger at midfield, which is almost as cool as the big...wait-- the Stillers don't have anything at midfield? Except mud? Because Hines Field is the worst playing surface in professional sports?  Dammit...

Okay, Okay.. got it.   Chad Johnson is a jackass. Though some of his celebrations have been cool, and he's much more stomachable than say, Terrell Owens, nothing, AND THE ROCK MEANS NOTHING was a cooler celebration this season than Hines's Icky Shuffle.  Pure. Genius.  In fact, Hines owns two of the greatest celebrations I've ever seen: The Shuffle and the "SHhhhhhh".  IN fact, the only thing, off the top of my head, that's recent and close, is Vince Young's NON-celebration at the end of the Rose Bowl, when he just cradled the football and stared off into space like he couldn't believe what was happening to him.  Every time I win in court, from now on, I'm going to do that...

where was I going with this?

Oh yeah. I can't pick this game, because no matter how bad Cincy is against the run, they're still going to put up like, 36 points with that offense.  They're AT-HOME DIVISION CHAMPION UNDERDOGS, which isn't going to sit well with ANY of them, NO ONE in PGH is scared of this game except me, and EVERYONE forgets the following:

1) the Stillers were lucky to win the first game against Cincy, i dont' care what anyone says
2) Bill Cowher's never won on the Road in the Playoffs
3) the Stillers have recently rolled into the Playoffs by defeating:  daBears, daVikes, daBrownies, and daLions.  Umm..a month+ago, we were REELING and no one in town was smiling....
4) Joey FRAKKIN' Harrington just torched Ike Taylor and friends last week, bet Carson'll have ALL KINDS of trouble with us, cuz y'know- he's a rookie in the playoffs...

i have a bad feeling about this...

hence. I'm not picking.

see yinz Monday, when I'll probably be 0-4. (i always suck in the first round)
Merry Christmas Uram, and all the crazy Orthodoxors out there-- I'll be celebrating with ye!

-apk

There Are Those Who Believe That Life Here Began Out There...

GALACTICA RETURNS TONIGHT!


someday i'll post again, I swear. in the meantime, LAUNCH ALL VIPERS!

-apk

ROAR, Lions! ROAR!

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. WOW.

Feels really good. That was an awesome (though sometimes ugly) football game. Just incredibly entertaining.  If you like good, strong defensive efforts. Game for you.  If you love bad kicking-- absolutely the game to watch.

Okay, it wasn't that exhilarating, but somewhere along the line this year, the Nits decided to go 11-1 and win the Orange Bowl.  I promise to write a meaningful column about one Whirlwind New Years, but I'm off to do some medical research, watch the Rose Bowl, and (eventually) start catching up on sleep.

I'm currently at 8 hours over the last two days. It's like Hell Week all over again.

And to make matters even BETTER-- Galactica RETURNS ON FRIDAY!!!!!!!!

Can't. Wait.

things are lookin' up, friends. things are lookin' up.

post-up and say hello. (who the HELL is from Grapeville, PA, anyway?)

-apk