WINTER BREAKout! -- "Even I Get Boreded"

HA! Betcha thought I wouldn’t come back and actually DO one of these, didja?

Y’know, back when I wrote the first “Even I get Boreded” somewhere back in, I dunno, let’s go with June, I thought it would be a semi-regularly recurring part of the Kingdom. Seemed easy enough, I have random thoughts all the time. Then I realized the biggest problem with random thoughts: they’re random. If you don’t write them down, you forget them.

So I tried to carry around a little notebook I could write random thoughts in. You know, the GOOD ones, that when you have them, you’re like “I’ll NEVER forget that, I don’t need to write it—it’s too good.” So many really great poems have died that way, I assure you. So the problem is, I’d still not write them down. My cell phone has a ‘record’ function perfect for these little snippets- yet I never use it. So maybe my New Year’s Resolution (even though I don’t believe in them) will be to write more of these columns, which will mean I have to record more random thoughts more often. Who knows?

Of course, there’s also the fact that I got absolutely ZERO feedback on the first edition of this stuff.. so there’s that. Maybe my random thoughts aren’t that interesting? That would sadden me. It really would. If that’s the case—please don’t tell me. I don’t want this column to end up with the other dead-end failure ideas from the Kingdom, like the mailbag that never was. How sad. All I wanted was stupid mail to answer. Speaking of which—I’ve got a brand new email address. If you want it, email the old one, and I’ll tell you the new one. Ha!

Now, without further ado (and what IS ado?),

• I DIDN'T FORGET, I chose not to mention that The Team That Will Not be Named was AVENGED against the Team Full of Thugs and Murderers on Sunday. Thus, Screw You, Baltimore. Screw You. I can't wait 'till Pizz wears a Team That Will Not be Named t-shirt through the Aquarium in Baltymore on Saturday. Can't. Wait.

• I've been sitting on this for a LONG time, but I'm convinced that there's not a cooler food in the world to eat than an apple. Meaning, there's no food that you look cooler while eating. Think Danny Kaffe meeting Jo DemiMoore in her office for the first time. You just look COOL while eating an apple. It's like a prop. I'm certain red is best.

• I found some notes I took during the Boston trip I never wrote about, which included this classic quote, "I'm gonna be on that chocolate bunny like... .... ... LIKE A FAT KID ON A CHOCOLATE BUNNY!" and the words "champagne in a coffee mug." Good times.

• Okay, Bogna Calda- traditional Italian dipping sauce consisting of like, 126 lbs. melted butter, 300 garlic cloves, and anchovies. Perfect for dipping breads, vegetable (celery! yum) and seafood, especially shirmp. PURE. HEAVEN. Mom makes it every year on Christmas Eve. Adam ingests 6-10 stomach tablets every Christmas Day. Totally worth it.

• Lara recently informed me that lamb is baby sheep. I didn't care. It's good.

• Think about this for a minute: I was reading ESPN.com today, and some baseball GM noted that "it was the perfect storm of market conditions" which has led to a rash of really stupidly long/expensive free agent signings this year. My point is this. Did anyone EVER refer to a coalescing series of events amounting to a major situation as a "perfect storm" before the movie The Perfect Storm? I didn't think so. But has anyone even SEEN The Perfect Storm? Didn't think so, either. So how does everyone know this terminology? FROM THE TRAILER-- Shooter McGavin sits in front of a radar or something, and says, "blah blah blah..it's all coming together and combining..it's the Perfect Storm" So I submit to you: NO OTHER pop culture-influenced piece of the English language comes from a MOVIE TRAILER. That blows me away. Thanks, Shooter McGavin. Thanks.

• Christmas Eve, during the day, I watched, I shit you not: Jingle All the Way and Bring it On! Jingle on the Way: Vastly Underrated Christmas Movie that's clever and fun and funny. Bring it On!: Christmas present to Adam, from Adam. God blesses, Eliza Dushku.

• Allow me the honour of starting the Battlestar Galactica hype as of now. The series is getting MONSTER reviews (it's playing in the UK now) but doesn't come to SciFi until January. Be prepared for me to love this show. I adore the oldschool series, and the new movie from last winter was a great update of the old stuff. High geek coolness.

• Tonight, my Uncle Cary, Aunt Nancy, and their two kids Josiah and Grace (5 &2) come to visit. And they're living in my house for a few days. KIDS! in my house. Yikes. Hide the Playboys. (Which coincidentally, I already did.) Should be lots of fun, though.

• Do you think ANY TWO snowflakes, in the history of the WORLD have taken the exact same course from the sky to the ground? I think the law of averages somewhere like Greenland or Everest says 'yes.' Jeanie thinks 'no.' Thoughts?

• Finally, since I've not mentioned Bill Simmons in quite some time, allow me to give a shout out to 'the intern' who runs his ESPN website, and provides me with Daily Links every day. Here's the thing, he tells stories from time to time, and mentioned today that "This is my Space Camp" referring to something he'll only get one opportunity ever to do. My point? How many of you know that yours truly actually went to SpaceCamp during the sixth grade? No, really. I have a VHS tape of the experience and a blue astronaut suit and everything. Still have the t-shirt, too.
  

Okay, that oughta do it for now. Everybody take care, I'll talk to yinz tomorrow, I hope.

-apk

BONUS LINK!

This Guy is everything I dream to be, and more. Behold, my hero.

if you're bored, check out his site, it's linked in the article, I think.

apk

OVERDOSE: "Choking on your alibis"

Before we get started, I was just about to post when I learned of the passing of Jerry Orbach, 'Law and Order's' "Lenny Briscoe" and of course, "Lumiere" from Beauty and the Beast. I just wanted to mention that that sucks. I will also always remember him as "Wil Weaton's Mobster Dad in Toy Soldiers." He will be missed.

Ahh, back to Bloggerdom, my home away from home. Welcome back from Christmas, friends, sorry I decided to take a few days off, but here's the funny thing-- when I'm in a good mood, I don't have much to talk about. Crazy, huh? And, between Christmas food, presents, family, Penny, and the general sweetness-laden turn life has taken to end the year, I've been in pretty high spirits of late. Don't worry, though, I'm quite certain that shortly after I return from New Year's, things'll go back to normal, i.e.: I'll turn the Angst-O-Meter up to 14 and start writing poetry for y'all and quoting Cure songs again. I can't wait, can you? (It's rhetorical, which means, apparently, that it's not supposed to have a '?' since i 1) was generally unawares of this rule until three minutes ago; and 2) believe the Question Mark is super-keen and underused; I'm going against the grammar grain and running with. I know-- I'm rebel scum.).

Where was I? Oh- yeah. Feeling good about Christmastime. What can I say? Fill me with Bogna Calda, heavily-salted lamb, wine, and loads of chocolate, and I'm pretty much a happy camper. Give me new flannel sheets, a down comforter, a DVD player, and Spider-Man 2, and I'm pretty much flyin' high until New Year's. Throw in a dash of Penelope the Wonder Pup, some cute emails, and a little quality GameCube time with Gooder, and I've basically built an amusement park on Cloud 32. In fact, I was so pleased with my Christmas that I didn't even turn into a vengeful Adam, as promised, when I didn't get Eternal Sunshine (largely, I think, because I got mad loot, also, which means I got the DVD by proxy, because it's going to be my first post-Christmas premeditated impulse buy).

In the meantime, I've got enough random thoughts flitterring around that you may all be getting a collection of randomness later today that I like to call "Even I Get Boreded." Cross your fingers.

Before I REALLY get rolling, let's handle the Song/Link portion of the Dose right here. First, your Link of the Day is one of my all time favourite websites. Unfortunately, though, good ol' S.B. has been slumping for about..oh..a year, until he broke through last night with this little mini-gem. It's no "frat party" or "lures and jigs," but I laughed. I did, however, have a college radio show, so perhaps the humour is subjective. If you don't like the 'radio' episode- check out some of the previously mentioned old ones. You'll laugh-- promise.

Today's Song, in the spirit of Bowl Week, is the Poulon-WeedEater CarQuest Blockbuster Madison Foodarama Song of the Week. Meaning I heard it on the radio, and have had it on 'repeat' on the WinAmp for two days. It's The Killers with "Mr. Brightside." I had heard a lot about The Killers, but never got around to downloading anything. Then I heard this, LOVED it, and downloaded, like, ALL the songs I could find. Verdict: jury's still out, but early returns are good. I especially like this song because parts of it sound like "Ode to Joy." to me, which, being a guy who listens to classical at work all day, is pretty swell.

Okay, okay, I'm rambling, I know. Time to get interactive.. I've got TWO questions for y'all to counter with today:

1) I'm going to an uber-classy black-tie-opt. NYE party in DC in a couple of days, and need a sweet shirt/tie combo for my black suit. Being the website encourages us to dress classy but creative/flashy, I'm trading in the white french cuff shirt/gold tie I purchased the other day for something a little more BOLD! Any ideas?

2) How'd Santa treat ya? (Or Jewish Claus, whatever the case may be.)

Link/Song....check.
interactivity....check.

Okay, a few final thoughts:
a) My cousin Monica hooked me up with a Han Solo action figure. This is important/touching/mega-sweet because when I was about five years old, I had a Han figure, but I dropped it down the vent or flu or something to my fireplace, and he was never heard from again. In fact, he was never replaced, because we could never find another Han. Thus, Chewie had to roll with "generic F-15 fighter pilot guy who wore all black and kinda looked like Han" for the rest of my childhood. Well, Monica rented the house I grew up in from my folks for a few years, and I guess sometime last year, I relayed this story to her while visiting. Wouldn't you know it, come Christmas, she remembers and hooks me up with a Han.

If you know me well, you know there's really no way to get to me faster than give me an seemingly insignficant gift that simply reflects that you paid attention to my ramblings and cared enough to track something down, (see Christmas 2002: Bird by Bird) Let's just say that when I opened the package and realized what it was, it got a little dusty in that room. Hopefully only my dad and Gooder noticed. Anywho, Han is proudly piloting the Millenium Falcon again, as it sits triumphantly in my room.

2) ah! my room! It has a FLOOR! who knew? I cleaned the holy hell out of that room the other day, it looks mega-swell. Come check it out before I mess it up again!

iii) somewhere 'round Christmas, The Kingdom broke 3000 hits, and passed Roberto Clemente in Blog-lore. Thanks to you ALL for coming by. I'm gonna keep on keepin' on with this, because it's done such a great job of keeping me in contact with a handful of you. Hopefully, things'll keep growin' 'round here, and I'll get to stay in contact with more and more and more of you! So keep posting! It makes my day!

okay, I'll be back later with some Randomation. I hope.
Be good to each other until then!
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "I'm A Toddler With a Complex Toy"

Morning glory-- just wanted to drop by with your Daily Dose of Kingdom goodness. I do have one question, though, "Where have all the cowboys gone?" There's been a venerable cournicopia of quality posting this week, yet no one has commented? I'll just go out on a limb and guess that y'all are buys with Christmas preparations.

By the by, how cool is it that Pennsylvania has 15 representatives in the Pro Bowl? 6 Stillers, 9 Iggles. And another six Stillers are first alternates at their positions! Before I jinx them by saying anymore, I'll move on. Warranted mentioning, though.

Today, working 35 hour weeks during my time off from school finally paid off, and I can officially afford to go to DC for New Years! Hooray, paychecks!

Okay, I wasn't even going to post today, because I'm mega-tired and have TONS to accomplish here today, but then I bumped into this particular website which 1) i totally forgot existed, and 2) can't believe is still online. So it's the Link of the Day! It'll give all you non-D-sonians a chance to put some names to some faces. And for you Oxen out there, scrolling down to the bottom is an extra-special treat. I don't want to ruin it, though!

Song? hmmmm... don't really have one. Didn't listen to any music today. Howzabout a little Carbon Leaf, in honour of the upcoming NYE XXXTravaganza. Today's song, "Life Less Ordinary."

Enjoy! and behave! Ill be back later, maybe, though I'm celebrating Christmas Eve-Eve with Gooder, Adina, and Chris tonight at the mall.. bah! We're getting our picture taken with Santa Claus. I shit you not.

be good to each other, and if you don't come by beforehand, Merry Christmas!
-apk

WINTER BREAKout! IV: 2004 Year in Review-- The Movies

Hey everybody, I'm Doctor Nick Riviera!

Last night was devoted to very little cleaning, some more Buffy-watching, and a viewing of "Napoleon Dynamite" with the lovely Ms. Oliver. She loved the flick so much in theatres that she purchased it yesterday when it debuted on DVD. Warning her I was less-than-enthused by the TV trailers, but open to pretty much everything, I gave it a shot. And found myself laughing, but not really enthralled. It certainly has its charms and its moments, and i genuinely liked it, but if you asked me to feed you back one quick-quip or ultra-memorable line, I don't think I could. It just never really captured me, although, like I said...I did laugh. So it has its moments. Maybe I just didn't get it? I dunno. I'll hand out a mild recommendation (based on the population of The Kingdom) if there's anyone out there's who's seen it, I'm interested in your thoughts.

That being said, I figured talking about one movie was a good segue into giving YOU my list of My Top 10 Favourite Movies of 2004! I'm hoping to do a few more of these lists as a sort of "year in the end WINTERBREAKout! spectacular," so feel free to chime in with your own individual highlights, lowlights, and favourites over the course of the next few weeks.

The only rule for eligibility here is that I saw it in a theatre, between Jan 1, 2004 and today. Unfortunately, this means both The Life Aquatic and Oceans Twelve are not eligible, cuz i ain't seen 'em yet. I'm sure I'll love both though.

Most of these, I've ranted about at one time or another this year, but tough cookies! I'm doin it again!

Honorable Mention: The Village, OutFoxed, Dodgeball, The Bourne Supremacy

Hands Down Worst Movie of the Year: Open Water

My Top Ten Favourite Movies of 2004

10) Fahrenheit 9/11

• Say what you will about Michael Moore. I'll probably agree that to an extent, he's a liberal nutbar. I'll certainly agree with you that this movie was political propoganda, and not a documentary. But nothing can change the surreal, harrowing experience of sitting in a theatre, looking at a black screen, and hearing the sounds of September 11, 2001 echo around me. That moment alone places this touchingly personal, often humours, and generally heart-moving piece of film onto the list.

9) Van Helsing

• I know plenty of people who didn't like this, and thought it was corny, cheesy, and even a little lame, but I'll tell you what, I had fun watching this. My brother, dad, and aunt all got a kick out of it, and we all have pretty differnt tastes in flicks (okay, maybe not my brother an I). Basically, this set off the summer movie season with mindless fun, an original and interesting take on vampires, werewolves, etc., great costumes, and hot hot HOT ladies. I can't help it, I'm a Hugh Jackman mark, too. Like I've said before, in a summer movie season that lacked a brainless shoot-'em-up, this one quenched that thirst for me. It's a popcorn movie, but I love popcorn. And with Van Helsing, you need extra butter.
  

8) Garden State

• The fact that this movie, which I adored as heartfelt, clever, witty, touching, funny, and beautiful all at once is ranking eighth for me, just shows what kind of year in movies it was for me. In honesty, 8-4 on this list could be interchanged depending on my mood, as well as 1-3, but today, Garden State ends up as 8. I fell in love with Natalie Portman all over again, and I gained a new appreciation for all of the little things in movies that build characters. And the characters are built through these because it's the little things that make us who we are. And to an extent, I think that's what this movie is about. At least, that's what it was for me. Next to The Incredibles, this is the one I most regret only seeing once.

7) Troy

• As flawed as it was, I enjoyed the hell out of this movie. I understand EXACTLY why many people don't like it as much as I do. It's because Greek Mythology is my thing. I read the Illiad last summer, and loved it more than The Oddyssey, so this flick was all about me. Though it took the Gods effectively out of the story, they were still there, you just had to know where to look. It brilliantly took a "this is how it really happened" approach to legend, and I was able to pick out all the little places where it stayed true to a 5000 year old myth while staying grounded in reality. Loved that about it. I remember standing outside the theatre with Gooder for a good half-hour explaining all this stuff to him, and just realizing more and more as I went along. The fight scenes were marvelous (especially Hektor v. Achilles), Eric Bana carried the movie on his back, and Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and Brian Cox all filled out their roles nicely. Bonus points for Ajax: Asskicker. Can't wait for the DVD.

6) Shrek 2

• When Kup, Megan Starr, and I saw this in the theatre, I remember us all saying that we had never laughed so hard in a theatre. Just amazingly funny, and superior to the first movie in so many respects, this is another I can't wait to see again. Antonio Banderas, as "Puss in Boots" positively stole the movie out from everyone else (and since "Everyone else" is Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy, that's one HELL of an accomplishment), and the entire "KNIGHTS" bit (a white bronco!) where they bust him for Catnip is the essence of hilarity.
  

5) Team America: World Police

• What can I say? I thought I'd never laugh harder than I did at Shrek 2, and then THIS came out. There are SO many reasons I need to see this movie again, from the songs (AMERICA!! F*CK YEAH!) to the catchphrases ("Aww He-row Hans Brix") to the total disregard for Republicans, Democrats, foreigners, EVERYONE ("Film Actors Guild" "dirka-dirka-jihad-dirka"). This movie is going to be a cult/college favourite for a LONG time. I guarantee you the DVD sells like gangbusters. It surpassed my expectations, I laughed my ass off, and yes, "Pearl Harbor sucked, almost as much as I miss you."
  

4) Big Fish

• Technically released in 2003, I didn't see it until Jan or Feb of this year, so bite me. Nothing in movies makes me cry more readily than anything about fathers and sons. Not even when Tommy Lee Jones kills Boomer the Dog in "Blown Away." Not even Rudy. No, fathers and sons. Add that element to Tim Burton Brilliance (and yes, I'm a fan, between two great Batmans and the Nightmare Before Christmas, I can overlook Mars Attacks), some amazing performances by Ewan McGregor and friends, and one of the sweetest, prettiest love stories ever, and you've got an apk Instant Favourite. I bought this on DVD moments after it came out. Did I mention daffodills? Beautiful movie. I still have to make my parents watch it.

3) Spider-Man 2

• How shocking is it that Spidey-Deux just placed third on my list? To me, not very. It was tough figuring out my top three, but like I said, they're almost interchangable. This movie is a nearly-perfect superhero movie. In fact, it might just be a perfect superhero movie. My Kingdom Review is archived back in June, since I dragged Kup to a midnight showing when it was released. Then I made sure to take everyone to it, and despite my limited budget, saw it four times in the first ten days it was out. The performances are amazing, and this is director Sam Raimi at his absolute best. Watching this movie, and watching them get everything right about the Spider-mythos, and taking a potentail lame-ass like Doc Ock, and ratcheting everything up a dozen notches made me feel like a proud, proud father. It's not often comic geeks get to feel proud like that, and that's a beautiful feeling. I adore this movie, I'm getting it for Christmas, and it blows me away that they're saying it's looking at Oscar snubbery. I think it deserves as much consideration as anything, just never thought, y'know, REAL movie critics would too. At the time, I thought that this was the Apex of the superhero genre...

2) The Incredibles

• ...until The Incredibles came out. Spidey made me feel like a proud parent, but The Incredibles made me feel like a kid again. Which is why it got the slight nudge in the rankings. My review is posted in the archives, so I won't go far into depth. This movie is perfection, 113%. As a comic geek, I always end up reading everything or watching the movies on the lookout for flaws or continuity mistakes or whatever. I thought the only problem I'd have with this movie was that I've seen all the powers before. Well, this took all the powers, and used them in ways I'd never even considered. The characters were perfect, and my favourite movie moment this year was being right there alongside Dash as he ran across the water avoiding the guards, chuckling to himself at how cool it was to be a hero. Just an amazing movie in writing, direction, visualization.. you name-- just perfect.
  

1) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

• I've wanted to write about this movie for so long, but haven't been able to figure out how to convey how much I love it. When this doesn't get Oscar considerations, I guarantee you I won't watch the Oscars. I refuse to believe Leonardo DiCaprio in ANOTHER period piece can be better than this unconventional love story, but I digress. First of all, Kate Winslett was extraordinary, and I couldn't help but love her, depite the fact that she was a frickin' loon. I think that's why the movie works so well for me, I can understand how you can just adore someone who seems so wrong and different and bad for you. And I can understand how you never want to lose someone, no matter how much it hurts to have them in your life, because just one of those most-special memories makes it all worthwhile. I love that you don't know what happens to them when it's all said and done, because that's beyond the point. The point is trying, even in the face of direct proof that you two shouldn't work. It's about second chances and holding onto those precious moments for dear life, because when all you have is faith, it needs to be enough. And it can be. It's on my Christmas list, and if I don't get it, I will be a vengeful Adam.

Well, folks, thanks for reading all 1000 words of this Top 10. I'd love to know how you feel about any/all of these flicks. And please feel free to point out any I may have forgotten. Stay tuned for more of these Year End Spectaculars. I'll be back soon.

Excelsior!
-apk

THE ICEMAN COMETH

Long awaited, I know. Let the games begin. And for the record, his retort to number 10 is C-L-A-S-S-I-C.

Ladies and Gentleman, Grampy Staub:

A gentlemanly reply to the “Feminine Rules of Civil Romantic Procedure”:

1 – Ummm… no. We purposely act like a nice guy in the beginning in order to secure bedroom privileges with you, then we proceed to act like a dick. If you’re lucky, maybe we’ll always act like a nice guy. There are more than a few men who are, in fact, genuinely nice. (Some of them even read this website on a regular basis.) But alas, there are those who would abuse your charm. Just keep sifting through the weeds.

2 – I refer everyone to Banner/Gramps Rule #2, which reads, “Never be the first to say ‘I love you.’” We apologize for not addressing this issue more thoroughly. Ladies, allow me to be very clear about this, if you say those three little words, you put us in a position to do one of three things: A) stammer about clumsily as we try to come up with a reply that communicates to you the fact that we don’t feel exactly the same way, B) blatantly lie to you and say “I love you too”, or C) honestly say “I love you too”. When you say it, chances are you mean it, so in your ideal world we pick C. The silver medal would go to A, since this would inevitably lead to a conversation that will probably bring about the demise of our relationship, but also put the truth on the table. Better the truth than dishonesty. If a guy chooses B, that unfortunately sucks for you because he’s really just avoiding A. The stipulations you give for the appropriate times for us to say it are more than acceptable. Unfortunately, most guys fail to follow them.

3 – Agreed. (And I’ve been personally scorched by this very situation.)

4 – That hasn’t always been my experience, but I applaud your simultaneously old-fashioned/sexually progressive ways. I’m sure all guys wish there were more women like you out there.

5 – So girls are also able to make a snap decision between acquaintance, friend, and possible sex partner? Cool. Would you be offended if I just stuck a label on your forehead?

6 – Agreed. But can we tease you just a little bit by discussing it and then asking you to come with later in the day? Come on, it’s harmless fun.

7 – Fine, just please let us know up front what you’re feeling is that particular evening. Too many guys have been burned by exes who they thought just wanted some ass, then spent the next week dealing with a girl who was crying incessantly because the relationship wasn’t rekindled after the sex fest. Our initial fear is that you’re still hopelessly in love with us, and that’s why we will oftentimes ignore that overture. Again, state clearly what your intentions are, so nobody gets confused. If everybody is on the same page, then romp away. It’s safe and familiar and comfortable. And a nut busted on both ends is a win-win all the way around.

8 – Agreed. Stay firm fellas. Stay very firm. Always be in control where possible, and act so in every other situation.

9 – Agreed. (And how many guido Italian Jersey guys do you hang out with?!? No offense to Diyanni of course.)

10 – Our genitalia are on the outside. Heat, moisture, awkward positions, etc. all require immediate penis and/or testicle attention. There’s no way around it. Deal.

11 – Very informative. Thank you for sharing. Let the bedroom spanking commence.

12 – Here’s where I have my major beef. Don’t you think it’s good that a guy have female friends? Or do you simply regard all other females as a threat? (More Darwinism?) To quote Jay-Z: “Ladies is pimps too!” In this day and age, a girl is just as likely to cheat as a guy. You need male companionship supplementary to your boyfriend, right? Same goes for us. Our female friends help explain your behavior, and 9 times out of ten actually make our relationship better. I think they’re invaluable. If you’re having trust issues, then get to know that female friend. You’ll probably say that you still think she’ll stab you in the back, but let’s be honest here, that ‘buddy” of yours probably wants to wet his little willy, so we’re even. We can all work under the assumption that nobody is cheating, or we can spend all our time in rampant speculation. You pick.

DAILY DOSE: AJ Feeley is the Tom Brady of Games Between the Dolphins and Patriots

First off all, I REALLY want to shout and rejoice and scream and stuff about my Second Most Hated Team in All Reality losing last night, and what kind of ramifications that has for The Team That Will Not Be Named. However, I know better, because I am as cursed/jinxed as the City of Philadelphia (note to Iggles Fans: God Hates You. That really sucks, and you have my sympathies). So, just everyone take notice that if The Team That Will Not Be Named is successful in its rematch of The Game That Never Happened against the Team Full of Thugs and Murderers That I Hate More Than Words can Describe on Sunday, not only does it clinch a first round bye, but also Home Field Advantage, while simultaneously nearly eliminating the Thugs and Murderers from playoff contention.

So yeah. Sunday. Big Screen. Brew. Popcorn. Pizza. Come watch at the Knor Hacienda.

BIG.

Secondly, the Pirates offered Rob Mackowiak salary arbitration today. I know you were all scared, as I was. I won’t comment any further, because I don’t want them to sign him and then trade him, just to spite me.

Finally, after more than a month and a half of waiting (I received my last issue on ELECTION DAY) Astonishing X-Men #7 FINALLY came yesterday. And it was WORTH the wait. Best superhero comic on the market right now. Hands down. I can’t wait for #8 now. Although, apparently, I won’t HAVE to, because MARVEL is so awesome, that they’re making up for the delay by double-shipping this week. There should be ANOTHER X-Men waiting for me when I get home today! Hurrah!

Okay, maybe that wasn’t finally. I just like to give myself props for single-handedly building my aunt’s new entertainment center last night. Man Work is fun sometimes. I was hammerin’ and drillin’ and just generally being 5’9’’ of testosterone, twisted steel, and sex appeal. Unfortunately, I live alone.

Okay, that’s that for now. I know, “there’s no link!” “there’s no song!” well.. do you know how hard it is to find cool stuff on the Internet? And there just aren’t any songs in my head today, sorry. I’m sure something’ll hit me later in the day.

In the meantime, you all need to batten down the hatches, because sometime early this afternoon, Grampy “the Ice Man” Staub will be giving his response to the Feminine Rules posted here last week. Interest piqued yet? Good! I’m hoping to get 40 hits today! I’m slllllllowly approaching 4,000 hits! Hooray Sitemeter!

In the meantime, don’t fake the funk on a nasty dunk.

EVER.

-apk

Link of The Day: The Ashlee Simpson Saga: Part III

Here's YOUR Link.

By the way, if I ever get THAT excited about my daughter's "double D's!" then kindly beat the shit out of me.

Also: Meg Ryan sucks. This is a Kingdom Exclusive.

enjoy!
-apk

WINTER BREAKout! III -- BOWS & TOES! -- "I Will Survive"

It’s a bitter, bitter, bitter, BITTERLY cold day in the City of Champions, and as I made my daily five-block trek (against the wind) down Liberty Avenue to BSH Law this morning, I was reminded of the coldest night of my life. Like soccer players trapped in the Andes, destined to eat each other, young men faced with the arctic chill of an early-winter evening will resort to anything to stay alive. Jump in the wayback machine with me, friends, as we travel back to late November, 1999. A night where 8 young men gathered with plastic jugs of booze, wrapped themselves in sheets, and braved the elements. Let us go back, to Survival Night.

As I recently noted here in the Kingdom, my pledge class just observed its Fifth Anniversary, leaving me a little more nostalgic than usual. I was talking about the Long Lost Good Old Days with Marc, and asked him what I should write about, being the very popular “Bows & Toes” has been on hiatus for far too long. When he echoed the only story idea I had in my head, it convinced me that I must discuss Survival Night.

Now, I don’t like to give away pledging secrets more than I have to, so it’s tough for me to tread the line between telling a good story and divulging a little too much about my house, but I’m going to try. Let’s just say that after being given about twenty minutes of prep-time, the eight of us (Buff, Kup, Kurt, Bromberg, Jerry, Marc, Taylor, and myself) were shuttled to an undisclosed location for a night under the stars in the beautiful backwoods of Central PA. I remember the overwhelming feeling of apprehension, being we were blindfolded, and didn’t know where we were going to be left for dead. Such feelings of dread were for naught, however, and they were quickly eradicated by the overwhelming feeling of awe and excitement that overcame me after the blinders were removed. The traditional spot for everything OX Pi is truly magnificent. There are HUGE rock formations that allow for adventurous climbing, leading to breathtaking star-filled views above the woods. In the metaphorical sense (or more accurately, simile-sense) it was like being born into a larger, more powerful world, with 7 brothers at your side.

But, like all things pledging, it wasn’t THAT romantic. There were a few problems, though.

First, I don’t even remember if we had any flashlights. Maybe one or two, at that. The thing was, our pledge class, unlike most other OX classes, didn’t really have any outdoorsmen. Buff was a pretty accomplished camper, I suppose. And we all had varying backgrounds in nature. I don’t think any of us were scared. We just weren’t necessarily prepared. No tents, that’s for sure. Maybe only one or two sleeping bags. Hell, Bromberg didn’t even have any outdoorsy-heavyweight clothes. Let’s break down his appearance, for a second.

Broms is oh, about 5’6 -8’’ and I’m probably being generous. (We didn’t call him the “Bromwok” for no reason). Averagely built, he was especially top heavy at the time, because he hadn’t cut his hair or shaved since pledging began. With his Jewish heritage, I’m certain you can imagine how hairy this kid had gotten. Well, despite the fact that he grew up in New England, he didn’t own any gloves. Nor did he really have a good winter jacket. In the twenty minutes we had to run to our rooms, prep for the trip, and get back, he could only come up with a few solutions to these problems. First, he wore, if my memory serves me correctly, a t-shirt as a jerry-rigged had/scarf combo. And I’m certain he was using old sox as mittens. In essence, he looked like a homeless man. To top it off, somewhere over the course of the night, he ended up with soot on his teeth, making him look as though some were missing. He’s a microcosm of how we’d all look by the time it was all said and done.

Soot, ahh—the fire. Probably the best idea we came up with was to not waste a lot of time getting our fire started. We gathered some kindling quickly, and then I think it was Jerry who hit the motherload- a downed, dry, tree trunk. A few of us dragged it up the hillside to the flat stone landing that would become our campsite. You’d be amazed how well a fire burns when you just keep pushing a 12 foot tree through the flame, burning it down like a candlewick overnight. If you’re ever making a campfire, it’s certainly the way to go—don’t waste time gathering firewood. The boyscouts don’t have a damn clue.

Once the fire was burning, the fun began. Within minutes of arriving, Buff was definitely calling his girlfriend on his cell, despite the fact we were supposed to be bonding. Don’t worry, even though he eventually married her, we still don’t let him live it down. While he checked in, we scurried up the rickety pipe-ladder that someone had already bolted into the rockside sometime ago. It felt like we were climbing ruins in a post-apocalyptic world. But the presence of the ladder brought out a few fears. “Who PUT it there?” “Devil worshippers?” “Evil Mountainmen?” “Hippies?”

These questions subsided, though, as we reached the top (and I conquered my semi-inhibiting fear of heights) to look out over the view I described earlier. Simply amazing, the second-most beautiful array of stars I’ve ever seen. I guess that’s when the bonding began, because I remember a few of us just lying up there, watching meteorites extinguish like bottlerockets in the crisp night, finally escaping the intense hecticness of pledging and just getting to know each other. Many of us were already friends before starting pledging, but I think it was this night, where we just really got a chance to dig deep inside each others’ minds and get to know one another that made us brothers. It was such a great experience that we repeated it when we woke the next morning—climbing the other rock formations and exploring and joking and just looking out over this island Earth. This night is one of the reasons some of you out there think “we can’t let go” of our funny little frat-days. It’s because it was never about girls and parties and hazing. It was about connections like this. But I digress, and I get sappy. So it’s time to move on.

At some point not long after, I think we all realized that survival night meant we actually got to get some sleep for once. So we tried to bundle up and turn in early. That is, except for Taylor. Because Taylor found the jungle juice the brothers had sent with us. I remember this as the first time he really came out of shell around the guys he hadn’t known already. Sure, we already knew he was funny, and a dick, but this was when he just got wild. He probably drank close to a gallon on his own, and started dancing around the fire, waking everyone up, and trying to have fun. I can’t give him enough credit for keeping the night going, because that’s when we had stupid 10-year old fun. Funny high school stories, picking on those that wouldn’t wake up, wrestling matches, it was all happening. For the record, I woke Bromberg up with a People’s Elbow, then pinned him cleanly, 1-2-3. It was the first of about 73 times I would kick his ass over our three years together. Sooner or later, though, we all ran out of gas. I think, because that’s when it got cold. And windy. And COLD. That was the first time I ever cuddled up with another man for warmth, as Kurt, Jerry, and I became a little closer than we would’ve liked. But hell, at least we didn’t have to eat each other like those soccer players. We had one flannel blanket I had brought from my room, and some knapsacks as pillows. Like Jon Bon Jovi in “Blaze of Glory,” we had an old coat for a pillow, and the earth was last night’s bed.” But really. It was fun. And no animals attacked us. So there was that.

After some exploring the next morning, the brothers came and picked us up, and Survival Night was over. There are plenty of inside jokes and funny stories I’m sure I’ve neglected to mention, or even just forgot. But that’s what the post-forum’s for, if any of you D-OXers are actually out there. The point of this little column, I guess, was just to point out one way that we all became so close, and how the bond is so much more than beer and womens. And I guess if ‘letting go’ or growing up means having to forget about the good ol’ days, or to discount these friendships as just ‘frat stuff,’ then I guess I’m never going to let go.

If you had memories like that, would you?

So here’s to D-OX, one last time. Much love to you all.

-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER: "Noooooooooooooooooo Doubt About It!"

Greetings friends, and welcome to the Monday Hangover, brought to you by the letter ‘H’ (a letter which truly gets no love) and the number ’52.’ Yes, I picked those arbitrarily. First, a quick weekend recap: Friday sucked hard. Saturday was devoted to The Team That Will Not Be Named, and the way they just keep on chuggin,’ finishing some Christmas gifts, CLEANING the hell out of my house (still MUCH to be done there), and watching a few minutes here and there of the movie “Amelie.” It’s French, but good, and I can’t wait to see the rest. Sunday, though, things finally scratched and clawed their way out of the murk, and the weekend turned itself around. What started as a simple trip to Tar-jay (French for “great swag at low-low prices!) turned into some brunch and Squirrel Hill gallivanting. A little bit later, it was gift-exchange and Gavin’s Christmas party. And a bit LATER was just some quality hangtime. Which leads me to a few items of business:

1) Thanks to Jeanie for the mega-cool Ms. Pac-Man (and other games) Atari-plug in-majigger. It’s one of those AWESOME joysticks you just plug right into your TV, that has five old-school Atari 2600 games. Off the top of my head, I remember this one having Ms. Pac-Man, Galaga, and POLE POSITION. Kicking off the Christmas season with such a gift bodes well for the rest of the run, I think.

2) Thanks to Gavin for havin’ us over and letting us get a glimpse into his life. LANNY FRATTARE said ‘Hello’ to me as he was leaving/we were entering. For all of you non-‘Burghers out there, Lanny is the lonnnnnnnnnngtime “Voice of the Pirates.” And truly one of the best play-by-play men in the business. You have no idea how strongly I dislike Pirates games on TV that he’s not calling. I often turn the radio on. That was SUCH the highlight for me. I really wish, or perhaps even expected him to say his patented, “Greetings friends, and Welcome to Gavin’s House. It’s a Beautiful Day for Baseball, I’m Lanny Frattare and this is my partner, Steve Blass. It’s chilly and cold in the City of Champions, but the Williams’ family hopes to bring warm Christmas wishes to you all.” Perhaps since he was leaving, though, I should have expected, “We’re leaving the party and the punch was great and there was NOoooooooooooooooooooooo Doubt About It!”

Go Ball--- Get Out of Here!

..okay, I’m done. ..I swear.

3) If you want to instantly get ‘over’ with a group of people from Generation.com, all you gotta do is give ‘Saved by the Bell’ DVDs as gifts. Jeanie and I threw in together for the Seasons 3 and 4 collection as thanks to Gav for the invite, and when his friends saw it, we instantly became the coolest people at the party.

4) So cool, in fact, that I got to hang out and chat with Mr. & Mrs. Former Attorney General, current 3d Circuit Justice Mike Fisher. That was cool, too. I mean, he gave me an ‘A’ in his class last year, and I voted for him for Governor. The least he could do is say hello, and he did. Good guy.

5) I know I’m a super-mad-Lord of the Geeks, and this should come as no surprise to any of you, but I’m really starting to get into ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer,’ about 8 years too late. We’ve been working our way through the DVDs, and the show’s pretty fantastic. I’ll quit though, now, because there’s about 2 of you, out there, who would like it.

6) And FINALLY, my night ended with my FAVOURITE cookies—the Hershey Kiss ones where they’re smushed into the middle of sugar/butter cookie thing. Awesomeoness. Special thanks to Carolanne for the cookies and the quality time.

Well, I guess that’s a good enough DOSE/Hangover for now. I don’t really have a song or link for you today, though, I’m just a little too tired. But here, I’ll give y’all some more non-traditional holiday songs I’ve thought about recently that I really really like.

-Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer: This one takes me back to my Grandma Rosie’s house, that little stupid tape deck, and my siblings (‘Dina and Gooder) and I singing it all around the house, even in July.

-Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas is You: This is back from her pre-slut days, it’s fast and fun. As far as I know, it’s not a remake. And she wore that little cute Santa suit in the video. Back when she was all “girl next door” she was SO hot. Now she’s a slut. There you have it.

-The Chirstmas Song by Hootie & the Blowfish: The ONLY non-Nat version of this song I can tolerate. I don’t know if it’s because I love the band (am the only person left on the planet not afraid to admit it) or just because it’s different and homely enough that it’s not derivative, and not insulting to the original. Strange story though—it came up on random on my Winamp yesterday, I had forgotten how much I like it. Then I debated the merits with AliMac over IM, and THEN it ended up on the radio RIGHT before we got to Gavin’s house. I mean, I can’t BELIEVE it played on the radio. Crazy.

Okay, that’s what I got for you for now. In the meantime, I’m like Kaiser Sose, and I’m just….

..gone.

(until I come back later with WINTER BREAKout! – Bows n’ Toes!)
-apk

FRIDAY PREGAME: "When I Sleep I Dream And It Gets Me By"

I know this is titled “Weekend Pregame,” but no fears, the DOSE is still here. Today’s Link of the Day is so much stupid fun that I can’t describe it. Try the baseball oracle if you DARE. There’s only two degrees of separation between Lou Gehrig and Rob Mackowiak.

The Song of the Day is Yellowcard’s “Ocean Avenue.” High octane, solid lyrics, good song. Somewhere out there, beneath the pale moon light, some beautiful girl is buying me their album and ordering me Luke’s Badass Yellow Jacket. And wherever she is, she will be mine…OH YES, she WILL..be mine.

Now, on to the Weekend Pregame. This one has a chance to be interesting and boring at the same time, which is sort of a trend these days, I suppose. Tonight is the usual law-type shenanigans in O-town with Sprout, Kelly, and maybe Danielle. Afterwards, it’ll be oot and aboot with Andy and Pizz (and probably Team Varga) and maybe even the ever-elusive Gavin, who’s the Arnold Schwartzenegger to my Danny DeVit, in “Twins.” If you’re going to be in the neighborhood, drop me a line!

Tomorrow I’m going to make a foolhardy attempt to clean my house, watch the Stillers, and finish my comic. Throw some luck at me. Also, if there’s fun to be had in the evening, please let me know. I’ll be lookin’ for a good time.

Moving on to Sunday, I hope to finish up decorating the Christmas tree I don’t have yet (if I actually get one), wrap up some presents, and head the Gavin’s big family Christmas BONANZA out in the South Hills. He promised me “free food, an open bar, and sorority girls,” so I’m feeling pretty good about that plan.

So, interactivity here in the Kingdom is going through the roof, which is super-exciting. I can’t WAIT to see what Gramps has to say about the new Rules. This could be fun. In other Kingdom-news, I’ve changed the profile picture. It’s a result of me actually realizing I have pictures of myself on my computer. Exciting, no? That’s one of my favorite pictures of my very un-photogenic self, which is ironic because I remember going home and puking my brains out with a stomach virus about 20 minutes after that was taken. It’s from our first cocktail party of senior year, and I’m, of course, sporting the “franchise player.” I totally need to get that boy dry-cleaned and starched, and start wearing it on chick safari. It’s kind of tough to see, I know, but whatever, it’s My Kingdom. If you want to see the real version so badly, come to my house. I love the low angle, I’m all in your grill like a rap video, with my posse behind me. Pictured from left to right are Kup, Lt. Taylor, US ARMY, Sandy (my Dickinson Mom away from Mom), Vandy Law’s own superlawyer Jerry, and our own resident TopShelf22—Marc. So there are some faces to go with some names for all you non-D-son educated ones out there.

Apparently, I use too many Dickinson/OX inside jokes around here. I had to explain the whole “I got it!” and “liberal arts education at its finest” stuff to Jeanie last week. Oh well.

Speaking of OX, I just wanted to give a shout out to Pi Chapter Pledge Class ’99, “D-Generation OX.” We just forgot to celebrate the 5th anniversary of our initiation. Not that we’re still big “rah rah OX rah” guys at this point, but more that it’s CRAZY to think it’s been five years since we all became such incredibly fantastic friends. So here’s to Broms, Buff, Kurt, Jerry, Marc, Taylor, & Kup—the best friends a guy could ever ask for.

With the weepiness concluded, so does this version of the Weekend Pregame. Stay tuned to the Kingdom as WINTER BREAKout! keeps rolling along. Grampy will be ranting, I’ll be writing about Watchmen and Identity Crisis, there might be some more pollage, and I’ve got some Year In Review specials I’m thinking up. Thanks for sticking around as I join the 3,000 Hit Club.

Until next time, take ‘er easy…

..and if she’s easy, take ‘er home.

-apk

WINTER BREAKout! II- "You're Going to Find that Many of the Truths We Cling to Depend Greatly on Their Own Point of View"

Well, as promised, here's a member of the female species' persepctive of guys and dating. For ther record, these were actually concocted before Banner and Grampy shared their wisdom with us. Like I said, interesting stuff. But I'll spare you my thoughts until a little later.

Without further ado:

Feminine Rules of Civil Romantic Procedure

1. If you're gonna be a dick, then act that way from the very beginning. Don't get our hopes up by pretending like you're not a huge douchebag- we don't have high expectations for you to begin with, so chances are that you'll live up to them anyway.

2. I LOVE YOU. Really? Do ya? Don't say it unless you mean it with every fiber of your beer guzzling, card playing, porn watching being. Girls hear EVERYTHING. If you ARE going to throw out the "I love you" but actually mean it, it would be wise to make sure that you are:(a) not drunk(b) not dating someone else, and(c) not out of your fucking mind if you think she's gonna give up her life and settle down with you in your one room basement apartment in Baltimore.Exception to Rule 2: If WE say it when we're drunk, do not hold it against us. We're women, we're emotional creatures, and we really just like hearing those three magic words come out of our mouths. If we want to forget that it ever happened, just go with it. But remember that it's still thrown out there, and maybe you should kick it up an emotional notch.

3. Do not say anything of importance over any means of electronic or telecommunication. IM, e-mail, phone, text messages- don't do it. If we wanted to date someone that could only talk in cyberspace, we would spend our time at the National Scrabble Championship trying to bag that, at least getting some of that sweet prize money in the process.

4. Do not, under any circumstances, offer to take out a girl for lunch and then pay for it, unless you want to get into her pants. If you do want to get in her pants, don't beat around the bush. (Pun intentional.) The general rule is: if she lets you pay for her, the odds are extremely high in your favor that she is willing to put out. Do not let this opportunity go to waste.Addendum: Despite the good odds of getting some, do not assume that you are "owed" because at the time you offered to treat the girl to a meal, a piece of clothing, or some other monetary expenditure. THIS IS A GIFT. Treat it as such. If you were to keep a running tab of what you paid for and then throw it in the face of the girl at a later date, this is a guaranteed kick in the balls, loss of all sexual privileges, and potential loss of entire relationship.

5. Unless you are gay, do not assume that a girl just wants to be friends. She does not.Addendum: If you are gay, please tell us right away, and don't wait two years until we are hinging our law school decisions on your every fruity whim. Or at least lie to us until we're dead and just help us match our purses to our shoes until then- either way. And chances are if you're in an a cappella group, wear mesh shirts, and like NSync, you're probably gay.

6. If you are ever in a situation where there is an event that you and a female will both be attending, do not discuss ANY aspect of the event with her unless you intend on asking her to go with you. This goes double if it is a formal event.

7. When your ex-girlfriend calls you because she is drunk and/or horny and/or bored, she doesn't want to get back together with you. Girls like to just get ass sometimes too.

8. Don't claim to be macho/self-assertive/independent when we meet you then cave every time we offer an opinion. The phrase "I don't know...what do you want to do?" is not a turn-on. This can be remembered with the simple tort BPL format. The (B)urden of your whiny ass = (P)robable (L) loss of girlfriend.

9. For the love of christ, wife beaters are not actual clothing! They always have been and always should be considered underwear. UNDERwear. Get it? Please do not belive that you a. look good or b. look macho and tough or c. have nice arms that all the ladies want to see. You do not. You look like an ass and unless you are a professional football player, trust us, your arms rival those of Mr. PotatoHead.

10. Don't scratch your balls in public. Ever. No exceptions to this rule. You itch, thats your thing, we dont want to know about it. Not only that, doing it in public will only lead us to belive that you have crabs or the clap and we will waste no time informing our female colleagues of what we suspect, thus ruining your chances of getting laid in the next 10 years.

11. You know the old addage you guys follow: date bad, marry good? Well we have our own simliar mantra: Date bad, marry bad. And rich. Yes, its true nice guys finish last. But its not that we don't like a good guy- we do. We just need him to be at least a little bad. A HUGE turnon. Especially if he's the good kind of bad in the bedroom. And if you feel like you're lacking on the badness, don't worry, you can easily make up for lack of bad with money. Don't get all insulted, the need for wealth is pure Darwinism. When looking for a mate, the female species looks for the male who can support her offspring. A guy with a healthy checking account will be able to clothe, feed, and support our kids. And he can afford a nanny. And a maid.

12. Doctrine of "supplemental" jurisdiction, wherein it is totally "permissive" for the girlfriend to go out with another guy, but which excludes the boyfriend from going out with a girl "friend." This is because in the history of mankind, and even animal kind, it's always the guy who cheats and he needs more rules than we do.

Whaddya think?
-apk

OVERDOSE: "The Sky Unwrapped, the World My Toy"

Okay, there’s plenty going on in the Kingdom today (largely because I neglected to post yesterday) but these things happen. First off, thanks to all of those who posted on the poll, it’s nice to get a good discussion going. If you’ve not thrown in your own two cents, scroll on down and join the fray!

Speaking of discussions, boy oh BOY do I have something fun on tap for this afternoon. It’s our first ever FEMALE guest star, Nic’s friend Lauren. She’s a 1L down in New Orleans somewhere (Tulane? I can never remember) and a faithful Kingdom-Comer. She’s supplied me with her & her friends RULES for guys to follow. Some are good, some are, in my opinion, poppycock, but they’re interesting and insightful nonetheless. Come back later and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Moving along to all kinds of random matters I want to discuss, let’s start with the DC baseball team. For those of you not in the know, the Montreal Expos were all set to be moved by MLB to DC for next season, and become the terribly-named (and even more pathetically logo-ed “Washington Nationals”). However, DC council changed their tune the other day, and demanded that half of the $600 million proposed stadium fund be privately covered (the audacity!). So what has baseball done in reply? Basically, they’ve said, “you’ve got until Dec 31 to fix this, or we’re out.” Which means baseball could quite possibly be headed to Las Vegas. Now, I know there’s all kinds of interesting subplots about baseball with egg on its face, again, and that the MLB can’t seem to do ANYTHING right (which is all true), but I want to discuss something else.

Just last week, my former roommate, the Kupper himself, had his Federal security clearance go through, meaning his inevitable move to DC had just become…ummm..evitable? Anyway, he’s moving down there soon, and the first thing he said was, “I’ll get to see the Bucs down there, at least.” In the time we lived together here in the ‘Burgh, we’ve had precious little to cheer about sports-wise (with the exception of the Team I Will Not Discuss Until the Season is Over). This entire time, I’ve been the one blamed as “cursed” or “jinxed” and the reason why all our teams invariably blow. So I submit this to yous: MAYBE HE’S THE ONE WHO’S JINXED, NOT ME. Seriously, two days after he talks about going to Nationals games, the whole plan collapses? There’s got to be SOME kind of causal link there. I will not rest until I exonerate myself of my jinxability, so that I can talk about..you know, those guys with the black helmets.

Speaking of those guys, I saw a play over the weekend called “The Chief.” It was a one man act that took place in the office of Art Rooney (deceased founder/longtime owner of the Stillers). Basically, the amazing actor portraying Rooney sat down with his cigar and told us stories about where he and the team and it’s longtime family traditions came from. It was truly a fantastic play, and I think that each and every Stillers fan really should check it out. I was reminded, the entire time, of sitting on my now-passed Granpap’s patio, hearing stories about every random diner in PA, all kinds-of trucking follies, and his time serving in what was apparently McHale’s Navy during WWII. Overall, the play was just an overwhelmingly touching and interesting experience. I give my highest possible recommendation to Stillers fans, and a regular recommendation to those who just like some good stories.

Finally, as I wrap up the Dose, I’ll set up my final little thought with today’s Link of the Day. It’s to an article in the Washington Post that requires a registration, so I’ll sum it up for you all. Basically, a school district in Maryland has been experimenting with comics to get young disinterested students to improve their reading skills. Although some of the choices were kind of lamesville (Donald Duck? They still MAKE that?), I think it’s a brilliant strategy that could certainly get some people interested in reading that otherwise wouldn’t be. There’s also a short sidebar about the use of one of my favourite stories, “Batman: The Dark Knight Returns” (probably regarded as the 3d best comic story ever written) in some high school and college classes that study mythology.

The fact that the general public is slowly but surely starting to realize that a well done comic can not only be exceptional literature, but also an entirely unique reading/imagination/entertainment experience, is incredibly encouraging to me, and I hope that more people realize that when done well, they’re true works of art. I realize that “Donald Duck” comics, or even your average issue of X-Men is just pure brainless entertainment, but so are Romance Novels and Soap Operas. My point is that there’s some really GREAT stuff out there, like “Watchmen,” which I recently read. I’ll be doing a review of what many think is the watershed moment of the superhero genre later this week, and hopefully I can convince some of you to give it a shot. It’ll be looking at a BIG test sometime soon as AliMac, an English Literature Major/ English teacher’s, interest has been peaked enough by my rantings to want to check it out. So there you go.

And if you’re keeping score at home, Identity Crisis #7 came out yesterday, killer revealed. I’ll be writing about this soon, too, as the biggest comic event of the year went out with a less than pleasing whimper, and left more questions than it answered. The more I think about it, the more it sort of pisses me off. If anyone out there wants to read THIS superhero murder-mystery, let me know, I’ll give you the first 6 exceptional issues to read, and we can pretend #7 never happened.

Two quick questions: anyone want to help me retrieve (I need a truck) and decorate my Christmas tree on Saturday? And Anyone want to go Ice Skating at PPG Place next week? I want to go while the tree’s still up.

And finally, your song of the day is “One Prairie Outpost” by Carbon Leaf, whom I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE (along with TONS of my best friends) on NYE in DC. In fact, I’m SO excited about this, that I feel like Christmas is just sort of in the way at this point.

That’s it for now, tune in around 2 PM for the RULES from a female perspective.

In the meantime, good luck with finals/work!
-apk

WINTER BREAKout! I: Tuesday is a Poll Day

It’s been a long time comin’ but I finally broke, and now it’s time for the return of the POLL. I sit here at work, listening to classical music all day, and they’ve finally started mixing in Christmas music. When I say finally, I guess that indicates that I’ve missed it, but nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, few things make me humbug more than incessant Christmas music, and I don’t know why. I guess it’s because everyone from Jessica Simpson to the Miami Soundmachine think that someone wants to hear THEIR version of “Winter Wonderland.” When in fact, as far as I’m concerned, the classics are the way to go. You can hand me a copy of the Binger’s Christmas Album and I’ll be happy as a clam. It’s just that good. The only really modern versions of things I find generally captivating are rap/hip hop remixes of old carols, just because they’re so fun. The “Santa Baby” remix featuring everyone from Snoop to Salt n’ Pepa springs immediately to mind as an example. Thus, the occasional old school Christmas song on the radio makes me happy (so long as it’s not playing before December 1) while nonstop shitty versions of “White Christmas” (I’m looking at YOU 94.5, 3WS) make me want to convert to Judaism (warning: any “Knor, we thought you WERE Jewish” posts will be immediately deleted.) and sing “Dredel, Dredel, Dredel” all day.

That being said, I think it’d be a lot of fun to poll the audience and see what Christmas songs are your favourite’s and LEAST favourites. You can just list the songs, but feel free to cite specific versions. I’ll get the ball rolling by pointing out a few of my favourites (it’s hard to pick just one). First, “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” by Bing Crosby, because it’s INTENSE—especially the lines about Christ being born to save us from Satan’s powers. It always seems to actually give me some good, non-commercial religious perspective on things. For the same reasons, I love any orchestral version of the “Carol of the Bells.” Finally, in a more festive sense, I LOVE “Christmas in Hollis” by Run DMC.

Conversely, I have NEVER heard a version of “Little Drummer Boy” that doesn’t annoy the shit out of me. Pa rump a rump pum, indeed. I hate that song.

Okay, what about yinz?

-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Tadpoles Don't Have Feet..."

Well, it’s a venerable ‘winter wonderland’ out there today. The snowflakes are so big, I think a real estate agent just tried to sell me one. Now, snow is pretty and all, and I even enjoy being out in it when it’s not too windy, but words cannot describe, and the human mind cannot FATHOM the extent to which I despise that ice/salt/slush/water mixture all over the ground. That being said, it’s the 2d Most Wonderful Time of the Year, so I’m not going to complain too much.

The relief in my life from finishing files was compounded last night by the relief I felt from ‘passing’ the MPRE. That’s the Multistate Professional Responsibility Exam, which I took last month, if you’ll remember. It’s the Lawyers’ Ethics test that we all have to take as part of the bar admission process. Every state has a different minimum score requirement, PA’s, for example is 75 out of 150 (comforting thought, I know—PA’s lawyers only have to get a few more than half of the fifty questions right to be considered ‘ethical’ enough to practice). That’s a scaled score, though, out of fifty pain-in-the ass multiple choice questions. Multiple choice questions for lawyers are extremely unfair, because they spend three years telling us that there’s no ‘true’ right/wrong answer to a question, and then proceed to judge us on right/wrong questions. Stupidity. Anywho, I snuck on through with an 89, meaning I’m one step closer to being an unemployed barrister. That being said, Jerry the Overachieving Law-Stud (whom I hope to work for someday) lit the damn thing up, getting about 14 more questions right than I did. I feel sorry for him, though. He spent upwards of 20 more hours than I did studying for it, and all those extra points he scored are relatively meaningless. Especially since he already has a job. All in all, though, I’m proud of the little Italian bastard. Hooray! Jearbear!

Okay, now that that nonsense is out of the way, let’s hit up your Daily Dose. Today’s Link of the Day is NOT to be missed. Click HERE and then the ‘trailers’ link on the site. It can’t be June 17th fast enough. This movie is going to be super awesome. Shots of Christian Bale, who will one day be known as The One True Batman, sharpening metal batarangs and spray painting his armour are the kind of brilliant shit they should’ve been showing before. You know, instead of neon gangs and bat-nipples. But I digress.

Around finals time, I always just click the “add directory” button on the ol’ Winamp and make a playlist consisting of every song on my computer. Thus, out of the 400 songs on my computer, I get to hear about 300 that I rarely listen to. Which is why you keep getting odd, old Songs of the Day this week. The trend continues with “You Can’t Live With ‘Em, You Can’t Live Without ‘Em” by Rowlf the Dog (f. Kermit the Frog), from the ‘Muppet Movie.’ (*Editor’s note: ‘Muppet’ passes spellcheck in MS word, yet ‘spellcheck’ does not. Things like this blow me away.) This is a GREAT, stupidly fun song, and I highly recommend that if you’ve never heard it, you find a way to. If you ask nicely, I’ll send it to you.

Okay, that’ll do for now, come back soon, because once again, TUESDAY IS A POOL DAY! Look for the new post somewhere around 2PM EST.

In the meantime, I wish I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, that is something I would like to be. Cuz if I were an Oscar Meyer wiener, everyone would fall in love with me.

-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Searching For Signs of Life, But There's Nobody Home."

Ahh, winterness. Today there are the first real flurries of the year. Sure, we got a light dusting yesterday, but that just doesn’t cut it. Today is actual capitol-‘S’ “Snow.” I think. I reserve the right to discount today, tomorrow.

Anywho, welcome back to the Kingdom. Today on the Dose, I settle into post-finals life, meaning that I am quite certainly DONE with 5 of 6 law school semesters. How does it feel? Bittersweet, really. Depending on how things shake out with the schedules of me and my friends next semester, this could quite possibly be the end of couch sessions of Saved By the Bell, Match Game, Whammy, MacGyver, and The Price Is Right. And that would actually really suck. This has been a really fantastic semester that went by far too quickly. Sure, the 4-6 classes four times a week got tedious, but all of my courses were cool, and couch time was a blast. I’ve gotten even closer to people this semester, and have developed so many really great friendships, that I can say with certainty now, that the end of law school will be equally as bittersweet as the feeling I have today (if not moreso.)

That being said, let’s have some fun around here! It’s WINTER BREAK! I’ve just now decided that I’m going to kick off a Break-long spectacular sometime this week. Hopefully, I’ll fill these pages with guess stars, columns, and more of the usual random stupidity you’ve all come to know and love from the Kingdom. So, if you’ve EVER felt an inkling to say, “hey Adam, I’ve got something to say” NOW is the time to do it. I still owe Beddy and Marc a day’s run of the Kingdom, so boys, sign up now. Also, I’d love another run at some rules from Staubbied and Beddy, as well. If Uram’s out there- let’s Go Postal one last time. Howzabout we get a woman’s perspective for once? Lara, Lauren, Jeanie? All of you have expressed an interest in writing at one time or another—hop to it! Kujo, howabout another column? Let’s take the ‘dol’ out of the winter doldrums (whatever that means) and have some fun around here. In the meantime, here’s a little Dose action for y’all, while I try to come up with ideas to write about over the next three weeks or so.

Today’s Song is “Good” by Better Than Ezra, just because I heard it on the radio as I returned from campus late last night, immediately following the completion of my final final. Always liked this song, which is a prime example of Adam’s Trademarked Perfectly-Acceptable 90’s Rock that Never Hurt Anyone. Enjoy.

And the Link of the Day is THIS little tidbit from the motherland that makes me VERY happy to know that I own a desktop, and that no matter how much smarter all those guys in school are than me, I’ve at least got a higher sperm count than them. (That being said, I keep a radioactive cell phone in my pocket every day..yikes!) In honesty, I think I need to learn how to line cotton with lead, and patent lead-lined jeans, I think I could make a killing.

In the meantime, it’s back to work!
To infinity, and beyond!
-apk

Link of the Day

Ex-Steeler Swann tests gubernatorial waters

Well, that was easy enough. Forgot all about this story, which broke 'round here yesterday. The Mayor of Philly v. a Stillers HOFer. THAT'S a showdown. Considering the (R) Swan pulls the 'T' and then wins PGH as a result of his black/gold heritage and continous residency here, I got a feeling he can win. And being that I HATE Gov. Rendell (largely because he thinks that Pittsburgh is part of Ohio), I'd have a hard time not voting for Swanny.

Guess we'll have to wait and see.

-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Everything Good Needs Replacing."

It’s a positively beautiful day in the City of Champions-- one of those weird winter days where it wants to be dark and dreary all around you, but the vaguest hints of sunlight and spring breeze get you thinking of all the good you’re missing. Then you look up, and the sky is blue for the first time in a month, and the clouds are white and whispy, making a scene just happy enough to make you forget your troubles. Until you look back the ground, and realize it’s still wet and cold. These are my favourite days. Not the wholly beautiful ones that make you want to run through a meadow, but the ones that are nothing more than hope in the cold. A glimpse of the spring to come.

These are the days I love. Especially when I feel just like them. I feel like everything within ten feet of me is cold and wet. Lonely, listless, and lifeless. Yet I feel stupid for feeling this way, because up, up, up, up there is a blue blue sky full of whispy clouds. I’ve got an amazing family, incredible friends, a bright enough future, and it’s been a good week, to boot. Monday, my group won acquittal for a scumbag in my mock trial. Also, at said mock trial, a US Attorney told me that my opening statement was “downright poetic.” The videogame I bought Danny has been basically beaten, and is my new crack. I’m three chapters into ‘Watchmen’ and it may just become life-altering. I’m pretty certain Sprout and I walloped the Envi. Crimes final yesterday, and I’m less than 72 hours away from being finished with my semester. Life as a whole is solid. It’s just that first ten feet that feel empty.

The problem is, I think I think that those first ten feet are the most important.

Anyway, enough of that. My apologies for being MIA this week, but it IS finals. I’ll probably be back today and this weekend, so stay tuned. In the meantime, enjoy your Song of the Day, “Satellite” by Dave Matthews Band (you know, back when they were GOOD.) It popped up on the WinAmp this morning, and seemed to fit. So let’s roll with it.

And extra apologies, for I seem to be Linkless at the moment. My internet time has been low of late. Someone out there with a good Link, hook a brotha’ up, will ya!

Until next time, find the sun and take a look.
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "There's No Holding Me Back, I'm Not Driven By Fear, I'm Just Driven By Anger-- and You're Under Attack"

Ladies, I Link, Because I care.
(thanks to Drew for supplying me with the Link of the Day)

THAT being said, let’s get ALL the regular business out of the way. Today’s Song of the Day is “Whatever” by Our Lady Peace, also known as “The WWE entrance music of Chris Benoit.” I don’t know if it’s because I get to play high-priced Defense attorney today (a living, breathing Jerry Schirato, without the abs), or because I’m sort of just fed up with my lot in life of late, but I’m feeling particularly aggressive today. Thus, the Canadian Crippler’s theme is just what the doctor ordered.

Today’s major business is CONGRATULATIONS TO WAINWRIGHT! He’s getting hitched, friends, if you didn’t know. He proposed to his longtime love Erin (who’s awesome) over the weekend, and miracle of miracles, she said 'yes' —simultaneously making him "my first former roommate to get engaged," and giving hope to fat, retired frat guys everywhere. Thanks, ‘Roids!

Moving right along, let’s talk about the weekend that was, and how disappointed I am in you all. First off, I ask for a little friendly feedback to help make my creative process a little easier, and I get ONE response? One? How hard is it to post-up and say, “all your comic book character name ideas suck. Sorry.” Now, I know that blogger was being pissy earlier last week, but the ‘post a comment’ button started working afterwards. Sheesh. See if I ask for YOUR help again! (and by YOUR, I mean “all of you”)

This weekend, like the last few, was good enough for government work. I guess I’ve not quite totally adapted to this strange New Era. You know, the one where I’m no longer ‘the other Adam,’ I’m just sort of ‘the Best Adam We’ve Got Left.’ I’ve found that I’ve got to go from being the Ultimate Sidekick, to a member of a point-man by committee. And though I’m not BAD at it, I’m not necessarily GOOD at it, either. I’d been prepping for this change, and in truth, it does sort of feel like I’m my own man, finally outside of an always-looming shadow, but growing pains are growing pains, I suppose. I’m not bellyaching (at least, not yet) mind you—just sharing.

So Friday was Z and I at Roland’s in the strip, with not a whole hell of a lot to report. Good turnout by Pittsburgh’s ladies, though. Well played, girls. I went down swinging pretty hard (a theme of the weekend), but to paraphrase Wayne Gretzky (who I hate) and to mix metaphors, “100% of the shots you don't take, don't go in the net.” The highlight of the night was two chicken cheesesteaks sometime around midnight. Which is why my suit barely fits these days.

Saturday I headed back home, helped out the Harvinator with some deckwork and then headed to my ol’ stompin’ ground, Westmoreland Mall, with Will and Z. I lost my Ground Round virginity, and went down swingin’ when I told our waitress to come hang out with us after she got off work. Again—if I’m gonna be a big kid, I have to start facing Major League pitching sometime. Unfortunately, I was looking ‘fastball’ and she brought the curve. I headed back to the bench like Mackowiak in September. The verdict: she had a boyfriend. At least, that helps me feel better about myself. Afterwards, a little pool at the Great Mistake (where I've now won 8 of my last 9 games-- WE MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!) and then off to the boonie-bar, Jay's, where I ran into some longtime friends from HS that I NEVER get to see anymore, specifically my pal, Vinnie. Always a great time seeing him.

Last night, after some time spent prepping for finals and playing one of the GameCube games I bought for Gooder for Christmas, I caught another episode of Buffy over at Jeanie’s, and then she, Lizzy, Justine, Tim, the Paul, and I headed to Hard Rock to catch one of her friend’s bands. Good times, as usual. Extra-good because they had a multitude of big screens and $3 Arns. The girls danced, I watched the Stillers, and everyone was happy. The coolest part of the night was walking into Bar Louie (hereinafter referred to as “Bar Adam”) and finding absolutely NO ONE other than the wait-staff there. They actually didn’t care that we sat down, ordered food and a few brews. The coolest thing was that every TV had the game on, and the whole Bar just echoed of Joe Theismann. The only thing the place was lacking was Will Ferrell dressed as ‘the Architect’ saying stuff like “concordantly, nevertheless.” Jeanie equated it to any episode of “Scooby Doo” where the team walks into an abandoned [insert building/place here]. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was just because I was coming, and I get that sort of treatment all the time.

So yeah, that was the weekend. Like I said, nothing really that amazing, allthough Benji was only .3 points away from a perfect day. So that was cool. Today’s shaping up okay, I mean, my suit pants still fit, so I’ve got that going for me. Finals week starts today, but I’m less than concerned. Senioritis is funny that way. I’ve got bigger things on my mind, as well. For instance, I’m thoroughly considering giving up my role as the Patron Saint of Lost Causes, and gettin' busy livin'. Cryptic enough for you? Well, that’s just me. Now I’m going to listen to some Cure, bang out the rest of this brief, and become Danny Kaffee. And if you don’t know who Danny Kaffee is, we’re just not friends anymore.

As for you? Get back to work, slackass!
Much love,
-apk

WEEKEND PREGAME/E.G.O. -- "By God we take it back."

I know, I know, two posts in one day!

And Look how luck y’all are! I’m actually doing a REAL COLUMN!

Yes, it’s the return of the WEEKEND PREGAME. Odd that I’d choose this weekend to bring it back, because right now, I’ve got no plans. I do have a dilemma, however. A significant amount of law friends, featuring a significant level of hottiness, are attending a band show at Hard Rock on Sunday night, and my attendance has been politely requested. I was all about going, until I realized that the Stillers are playing J’ville on Sunday night this week, on ESPN. Theisman and friends are probably my favourite commentary crew, and this is the only time they’ll be calling a Stillers game all year. I don’t have ANY plans to watch it with anyone of yet, and being in my house alone is especially depressing. What to do? I think I’m going to see the band, but it’s still a tough call.

That’s basically all I’ve got planned for the weekend thus far. I’m pretty sure I’ll end up in Herminie at some point, or out with Drew and Pizz tonight or something. KP might be starting finals now, though…

Speaking of finals, we’re well into that time of year. My next-to-last finals week. Kind of weird. Especially since I don’t really HAVE many finals this semester. I’m down to one in-class (next Thursday) and one take home (next weekend). I’ve also got my mock trial, but pretty much have all the work done for that already. And I also have one short memo to write for Negotiation class. And that’s it. I mean, my workload’s so light this finals week, I’m still going to go to work next week. Then it’s a mad-dash to make loot before New Year’s. So expect some blogging from this end.

And now for a few random thoughts:

• there’s a 50% chance that I’m still drunk right now. And there’s a 75% chance that somewhere across town, at his firm, Sprout is too.
• Props to Danielle for driving us home this morning.
• Props to Lauren at Tulane Law (a 1L freaking over her first set of finals) for this little bit of lawyerly dorkdom, the “Ode to Torts.”
  
  i hate you. i hate you. i hate you, i do.
  a reasonable person would hate you too.
  foreseeable injury, i just don't care
  i could assign a freaking duty anywhere.
  i know im at fault, i assumed all the risk,
  but i really thought law school would be funner than this.
  Negligence is a mother, damages, too.
  I hate you torts. I hate you, I do.
  
  T-Bills Tom Ross would be proud.
• one of my top 7 favourite things about my walk to work is the plaque outside of 5th Avenue Place that says “Smoke Free Zone.” – the one that’s always surrounded by a dozen smokers
• another favourite part of where I work is watching all the Culinary Academy students go to lunch at McDonalds, Arby’s, and Subway. If CHEF’S have to resort to fast food, our world is going to hell in a handbasket. On a related note, all three of those ‘restaurants’ are awesome.
• Christmas music on the classical music channel is thoroughly annoying me. It’s December frickin’ THIRD.
• and finally. Bane of My Existance, KLE, wins the cookie. I’m as disappointed as the rest of you. She correctly surmised that “By God we take it back.” Was from Robin Hood: Prince of Theives. But c’mon KLE~ there’s no reason to be hatin’ on Costner! That’s a GREAT movie, one of the best date movies.

Now it's time for a little E.G.O, or "Everyone's Got Opinions."

Here’s my idea for Pittsburgh’s new slogan, “By God we take it back.” Some people (mostly those from New England) are trying to call Boston the new City of Champions. Just because they won the Super Bowl and the World Series in the same year. And the last city to do that was the ‘Burgh, which is roughly around when it became the City of Champions.

Here’s the thing, though, at that time, Pitt was a football powerhaus, and had a recent National Championship, the Stillers won FOUR Super Bowls in six years (and never missed the playoffs in that stretch, unlike SOME teams I know) and the Buccos had won their second World Series of the decade, amid a number of NL East titles.

That’s a pretty impressive resume, compared to Boston’s: 1) 2 Super Bowls; 2) 1 World Series. Yay Boston! Can we even add that the Patsies a) DON’T PLAY IN BOSTON; b) DON’T EVEN CALL THEMSELVES ‘BOSTON.’ Plus, winning one WS in 86 years does not a championship city make. And let’s not even talk about Boston college sports, and the fact that the 346 colleges within the city limits, have accomplished jack and/or shit in any major sport.

But hey, we live in the biggest sports-hype time ever, so Hooray! Boston! I guess the torch has been passed. But let’s get back to Robin Hood. As the disgruntled woodsmen were ready to turn on him, and give up the good fight, one old guy shouted, “But what about our kin? The sheriff’s taken all they have too!” To which Robin aptly replied, “Then by God we take it back.” And it’s just. that. simple. I want everyone in this burned out ‘burgh to seize the day! To root harder than they’ve ever rooted! To go to as many games, buy as many tickets, influx the teams with as much cash as possible, so that we can reclaim the title! Pitt basketball is becoming a national power. The football team’s probably headed to a BCS bowl (I can’t even fathom this. It’s BS, that’s for certain..but still). The Stillers—I refuse to talk about. If the NHL were playing, this was going to be Mario’s final hurrah, and the team was going to at least make the playoffs. The Pirates are hopeless, though. This is why it’s incumbent for ALL of us to help. And by ALL of us I mean “Dan Rooney.” The Stillers’ owner needs to step up, infuse the Bucs with cash, bring us Randy Johnson, Carl Pavano, and Carlos Beltran, and bring the trophy back to the golden triangle! We must stand, Pittsburghers, with one voice, and say, “WE WILL NOT GO QUITELY INTO THE NIGHT! WE WILL NOT VANISH, WITHOUT A FIGHT… WE’RE GOING TO LIVE ON. WE’RE GOING TO SURVIVE!”

And by God, we’ll take it back.
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Ordinary's Just Not Good Enough Today"

Ordinary punishment, that is.

Salutations friends and foes, you’re tuned into the Daily Dose, here in The Kingdom! THIS Dose (unlike the doses Bonds, Giambi, Jones and friends were taking) is 100% performance enhancer free! Unless, of course, you count beer as a performance enhancer. And while Liquid Courage can make the difference between asking that fine hotness at the end of the bar for her number or not, it’s certainly not making me less doughy, and more jacked.

If you don’t know what I’m talking about, just take a jaunt over to The Link of the Day.

All I can really say about Bonds is this, “Is anyone REALLY surprised?” And now he’s trying to pull a fast one on us with “well…I didn’t know they were illegal substances.” What a jerkoff. Jones and Giambi, too. From a baseball standpoint, how would I rectify this? Well, thanks for asking. It’s this simple. Not a single stat of either of theirs should count. They should both be made examples of, and in Bonds’ case, it’s the ULTIMATE example. This guy’s about to break the ALL TIME Home Run record, perhaps the biggest record in sports. Woops. Not anymore. First, both players get a one year suspension, and the Commissioner’s office needs to call them both up and politely ask for their MVP awards back. Bonds just lost every HR, Walk, Hit, Steal, Assist, Run, Putout-- EVERYTHING should be wiped away as though it never happened. Congratulations, Mark McGwire, you have the single season HR record again (though I barely trust you, too). By the way, Bonds, say goodbye to the Hall. I feel this strongly about it, and not just because it’s Bonds. Giambi is a player I LIKE, and the same deserves to happen to him, as well. MLB needs to give them the equivalent of the NCAA “death penalty.” Send a message Mr. Selig, please. Say, “Baseball is bigger than you. Baseball will not tolerate cheating. The next person it happens with will be even WORSE.”

And in honour of Barry’s accomplishments being tainted forever, I give you the Song of the Day, “Superman’s Dead” by Our Lady Peace.

Okay, I’m off for now, but should return shortly, in the meantime, please help me with the following decision.

Longtime friends of mine know of my comic book creating tendencies, and a select few of you have even read the first pages of my first script. Right now, I'm working on a project I first created in the eighth grade called Team: P.A.T.RIOT. It’s a futuristic superteam of government-sponsored patriotic-themed heroes. Honestly, it’s cooler thanI'm making it sound, I assure you. Anywho, team members include Bald Eagle, Revolutionary, Liberty Belle, Rushmore, Minuteman, DC, and Liberator (get the trend?). Well, I’ve got an Iron Man type guy that’s got a badass super-armour suit, and he needs a name. Since I created him in 10 years ago, he’s been “Warfront,” but now I want something more patriotic-like. In the story, the names are chosen by the gov’t in order to make the team mass-marketable and appealing. Right now, I’ve come up with five possible names, and I’m just looking for some feedback. Please tell me which (if any) sound cool, match up best with the rest of the team, and why you like them, okay? Also, feel free to come up with other name ideas. If i use it, you'll get credit, and a 1% royalty, or something from all the bajillions I'll make when the comic becomes a movie.

The name ideas are:

Warfront
Ironclad
Ironsides (As in the USS Constitution, "Old Ironsides")
Monitor
Merrimac (Monitor and Merrimac were the names of the first two American “ironclad” warships, Monitor was the Union’s, Merrimac was the Confederacy. So really, Merrimac should probably be DQ’d. I’m also uncertain enough people will know that for it to make a connection)

Okay, any/all feedback will be appreciated! Also, if you actually want to know about this four-part story I’m slowly but surely cooking up, just ask. If there’s enough interest, I might even blog ‘bout it.

TGIF
-apk

MEGA DOSE: "Inside the Outside by the River Used to be So Calm, Used to be So Sane"

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year! (Next to Opening Day). Welcome all, to December, and welcome back to the Dose. With a paper and a final already in the books, I head into what should be a relatively easy-going finals week with the batteries charged at a good 74%. I’ll take it for now~ there’s some drinkin’ to be done tonight after my XXL Envi-Crimes class, and then I move towards the weekend with an eye on fully readying myself for my mock trial, one in class, and one take-home.

I’m certainly excited for the onset of December, if not because it means we’re getting that much closer to both Christmas and THE DC NEW YEARS XXXTRAVAGANZA, then because it FINALLY means the end of November Sweeps on Adam:The Series. For those of you that don’t know the TV biz, ‘sweeps’ is that special period in November and May where shows have all their big events, because their ratings count the most then, and those are the numbers used to price ads for the next year. I was already pretty certain that my life is a reality/dramedy somewhere on another planet, but November clinched it. The onslaught of extra-special melodrama and guest stars could’ve only meant one thing—SWEEPS. Now that it’s December, and now that sweeps are over, this hopefully means that I can kick back in (my now empty) house with my animatronic Christmas Bing Crosby (that sings! ~but that does not beat children) and just relax until New Years.

All this talk about sweeps and December has reminded me to wish my pal, Carolyn, a very safe and Happy 23d birthday on this blisteringly cold day in the City of Champions (By God we take it back!)fn1

Speaking of blisteringly cold—am I too old to be wearing my Columbia parka around now? It’s REALLY warm, and I have neither a topcoat nor trenchcoat (is there a difference? Trenchcoat is longer, right?). Hell, I don’t even have a peacoat! (Praise Jeebus). So I had to hang up the all-black Gap jacket that is so beat up it’s no longer warm, and bust out the Columbia. My new skicap looks pretty swell with ‘er, though, so I’ve got that going for me.

Fashion questions aside, I was walking to work today when a far bigger question struck me, “Who in their RIGHT MIND thought that two 20-foot red/gold TINSEL toy soldiers on the T-Stop was a good idea?” Am I the only person who doesn’t like tacky Christmas decorations? I’m certainly a pine-garland, green/red wreath, white lights kind of guy, and it made me wonder how the rest of the world feels about this. And does anyone think my stuffed-shirt approach to Chirstmas decorations (my singing Santa-clad Bingger aside) will relax at any time? Am I missing out on the fun/corniness factor? Will this change when I have kids? Or will I always have that Charlie Brown feeling about Christmas?

Moving right along, I picked up the long-awaited Ultimates (Vol 2) #1 yesterday, and it was everything I have dreamed for and more. It’s the Bruckheimer-film of comics, with an actually well-done story. Amazing high-octane badassedness. Superheroes at its finest. I strongly urge all of you check it out, just to watch Captain America kick Iraqi insurgent ass. Last night, I also caught “Airheads” playing on VH1. This might just be the most underrated stupid-comedy of the early 90s. Really, the cast is fantabulous, and it’s honestly funny in it’s own absurdly cool way. I truly dig. If you’ve not watched it, or not seen it in a while, it’s worth checking out. You’ll get a couple of legit laughs out of Sandler, Buscemi, and Frazer, among others.

I certainly am all over the place today, eh? And I’ve not even given yinz a Song or Link yet! So here goes, the Song of the Day is “Lakini’s Juice” by Live, because I just realized it’s on my MP3 player. Odd that I’d never listened to it on there before. Very fun to walk to work to. I’ve always really liked this one. Should be no surprise to y’all, it’s got hard guitar and violins. Just don’t ask me what the hell any part of the lyrics mean.

YOUR Link of the Day is a trailer to the “Return of the King” extended edition DVD. If you’re even REMOTELY interested in how badass this will be (it’s my favourite of the three movies) then check out this Quicktime trailer. Sweet, sweet sweetness. At risk of sounding like a mega-geek, I can’t wait to see Gandalph get some cuts against that NasGhul. But that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Okay, time to bring home the bacon!
Be good y’all, and someone come up with something for me to talk about more at length! And Marc, when do you want to run The Kingdom? Pretty much any time next week would be sweet! Banner/Staubbie, you’re now officially in charge of the rules! Congratulations!

Until next time, bundle up and stay warm, it’s cold out there today~ It’s cold out there EVERY day, what is this MIAMI BEACH???
(I’m off to search for Ned Rierson. Or maybe that hot broad Nancy, it’s truly getting cold and lonely in 707).
-apk

Fn1 Remind me to get on my soapbox sometime soon, and explain to you all “By God we take it back!” reference. Anyone out there who can figure out what movie that’s from, and what it has to do with the City of Champions wins a cookie.