DAILY DOSE: "Here Comes Dirk Niblick of the MATH BRIGADE, He'll Look You Right in the Eye"

Which leads us straight into the LINK of the Day. It's amazing what one random post on another website can lead you to find hidden among this wondrously amazing world we call "the Internet." The flood of memories one mention of this fantastic show brought back to me not only helped cement my self-awareness as a MEGA-Geek, but also led me to wish I had a RealPlayer, so I could watch some of those clips.

I'm torn between my hatred of RealPlayer and my adoration for Dirk Niblick and Kate Monday.

Really, so I'm a geek. But who here can't remember an episdoe of "Mathnet?" Bonus points for the first person who remembers the name of the Cyclone-Guy that chased MathMan around. Did anyone else root for him? I guess my love for heels started with educational TV.

Obviously, in honour of this ALL-Square 1 edition of the Dose, the Song of the Day is the theme to "Dirk Niblick of the Math Brigade." Really, this show kicks Sesame Street in the nuts, while disembowling the late, great, Fred Rogers.

WOAH- Stream of Conciousness time. That Mr. Rogers thought reminded me that it's nearly been two years since his death. Which reminded me that it's nearly been two years since the Columbia disaster, which reminded me that I turn 24 & 1/2 on Tuesday (Let's Party Like it's 1999!), which reminded me that TODAY, Jan 31 is MARC'S Birthday! (I think.)

So Happy Quarter-Century Birthday Props out to Marcus Aurelius, the Kingdom's Own TOPSHELF22!

With the Birthday well-wishes out of the way, I'll bring this DOSE to a close. There might just be a Monday Hangover sometime today (though there's precious little to talk about from a weekend spent on my parents' couch). You'll hear from me later, IF I survive my trip to the dentist. 9AM appointment? What the HELL was I thinking?

Now: "Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Dentist Say When You Have a 9AM Appointment for a Filling"
-by apk

• "You need me to drill? Okay...but I'm pretty hungover..."
• "Yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwnnnnn......"
• "Do you mind if I let one of these students practice on you?"
• "I've got good news and bad news... the good news is that we're out of Novacaine..."
• "...the bad news is that our sanitizer's broken, too."
• "Is it safe??"

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Try the Veal. Tip your waitress.
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Yo, Wolf Face-- I'm Your Worst Nightmare. Your Ass is Mine!"

I recently started using the “voice record” function on my cell phone to take note of concepts, quips, and funny things that pop into my head. Since I’m little bored at work, and don’t feel like getting rolling yet, I decided to clean out the memory and see what I’d forgotten. Luckily, there was some good stuff in the there, which means that you actually get a DOSE today. First up, the Song of the Day was one I had actually HEARD on the radio a fortnight ago, and forgot all about. It’s the Green Jelly classic, “Three Little Pigs.” I don’t know what’s better about that song, the level with which it’s terrible, or how insanely awesome the claymation video was. To hear that on the radio really took me back to the 8^th grade, and the good old days of SURGE soda and contraband doublemint gum.

The cell phone also served up a particularly noteworthy subject, “Peaking at 17,” which I’ll discuss more fully later today (unless my best laid plans go awry.) In the meantime, go have some fun at the Link of the Day. If I girl can wear THIS to the prom, she’s probably Peaking at 17. All I can really say is that I’m never having daughters. Oh, and that “Vlaz Ermant” is the ballsiest deadman in New York.

Talk to yinz later,

-apk

DAILY DOSE: "The Heart That I Stole I'm Never Giving Back-- Never Giving Back."

Well, I guess it’s high times I check in and see how my little social-experiment is going. And by social-experiment, I mean The Kingdom.

I’m finally sobering up from some much-needed Wednesday shenanigans, I’m putting the finishing touches on my Proposed Findings, and I’m listening to my new Music To Slit Your Wrists To CD, given joyously to me by the lovely Jeanette. It’s not the BEST Thursday ever, but it’ll do, I suppose. Anywho, the Link of the Day is nothing terribly extraordinary, but in my continuing efforts to link to all things Revenge of the Sith, I figured I’d share. Our Song is from the aforementioned album, Starsailor’s “Some of Us.” I dunno how Jeanie finds this stuff, but it’s almost ALWAYS good.

Okay, now to chime in with my two cents. Between Grampy, Marc, and Kujo, there’s not much left to say in response to the K tothe L tothe E. However, you know me—I can’t ever shut up/ leave well enough alone.

First off, since Pittsburgh doesn’t have “trains” I can’t even begin to fathom what she’s talking about guys and buffer zones. I know that the movie buffer zone popularized by Seinfeld is completely ridiculous. But then, I’m the kind of guy that likes to make insipid quips during flicks, and talking across an open seat makes that so much more difficult. Being an almost entirely bus-using public transiter, I’ll go on the record to say that like all humans, we need our space. If there’s open space, why shouldn’t we spread out a little, I mean, the boys need a place to breath. Let’s be honest.

Which brings me to an aside, presented by Kujo. Umm, public transit teen-age girls on cell phones are probably the Sixth-Most-Annoying-Thing in the Known Universe. When it’s 8:52, and I’m on the way to school, who the HELL do 18 year-old girls have to talk to? That blows me away. Also, the Fourth-Most-Annoying-Thing in the Known Universe is the NEXTEL Beep. It’s like they deliberately make it as obnoxiously loud as possible, just to draw attention to it.

Okay, video games. Since my fellow members of the Sellers Beirut Academy affectionately started calling me the “Gaming Pro,” I’m pretty certain that I’m qualified to answer this question. I can’t say that I’ve ever played more than four or five games of Madden in a row (when you’re at the end of a season, and you’re headed to the playoffs, you gotta keep that ‘Mo, goin’), but that’s only about 5 hours. The only thing I’ve ever come close to playing for eight hours was a Christmas Break session of my brother’s PC Copy of Grand Theft Auto 3. So I’ll just assume that KLE was exaggerating, and just wants to know how video games, in general, are so appealing to us.

To which I answer: HAVE YOU SEEN THE GAMES THEY MAKE FOR US? We can be sports superstars (Madden, MLB, SSX Tricky), sports owners(Any Franchise Mode), superheroes (Spider-Man 2, X-Men Legends), contract killers, alien destroyers (Halo), James Bond, fantasy heroes (Zelda), seedy underground criminals (GTA), you name it—it’s there for us. It’s pure escapism, it’s video-crack. The games themselves are all designed to take FOREVER. I mean, the Spider-Man 2 video game has a fully digitized Manhattan island to traverse. Once I beat the game, they’re still like “hey, swing around and stop robbers and stuff—have fun.” I was instantly immersed. You’ve got romance novels and shopping, we get to have video games. Really, it’s just reason 149 why it’s better to be a guy, sandwiched right between “the world is our urinal” and “I never have to use a tampon.”

Porn speaks for itself. Watched alone, it’s good for “upkeep.” Watched with friends, it’s great for a laugh. Don’t worry, we realize how absurd it is, too. That’s part of the fun.

I’ve pretty much had the same haircut since the end of high school. Honestly, there aren’t that many options out there for us. I wont’ even mention failed debacles like “chicken mcnugget gold” hair and “Dagobah Luke” (which had potential, but was too difficult to keep up, especially since I’ve got wavy, thick hair.) And once you’re a professional, as I’m dangerously close to becoming, all bets are off. But to be honest, if a girl told me to try something (and by “girl” I mean “girlfriend”) and it didn’t seem to scary, and it meant I’d probably score, I’d make a change. I’m the same way with clothes, too.

Now here’s the kicker: intelligent women. I love ‘em. I HAVE to be able to have interesting conversations. Doesn’t even have to be about smart stuff. If a girls’ intelligent and witty, that’s pure fantasticness. Seriously, KLE, you think we’re afraid of you, and you say that when you’ve challenged us, we’ve backed down afraid of the smart girl. But I’ve not seen it. I think we’ve come back at you pretty strongly every time, in the interest of captivating discourse, and most of the time, you back away. I love that you’re the heel, because you’re a smart girl we can debate with, Remember when you told me I had misquoted Ovid, and I laid the Smackdown on you? That was fun. And so was this little jaunt through your Kingdom of Darkness. I hope you keep writing as a guest star.

Speaking of guest stars, who wants to be the Kingdom’s very special guest, next Tuesday? Just let me know, while we creep ever more closely to 4,000 hits!

Finally, just bouncing around the ‘net, I bumped into something that asked, “Are you beautiful—or just a beautiful disaster?” I don’t know where it’s from, (and if anyone knows, please share) but I really, really, really like that. I think I have a tendency to migrate towards beautiful disasters. I’ll focus on that thought for a while, and perhaps discuss soon. Because it’s almost time for a brave new era.

In the meantime, I gotta accomplish something today.

Peace out, my homies,

-apk

INVASION! KLE ATTACKS!

I'll be honest, she picked the perfect day to step in and say something. Last night was positively terrible, and I'm glad I don't have to write today. But no matter, I'll be plenty melodramatic and upset tomorrow, too. At least there are dollar Blue Moons tonight-- who's in? Also, if I come up with a Link and a Song, you'll get it later, same Kingdom time, same Kingdom channel.

So I present to you the always controversial KLE. As usual, I'll save my retorts until you've gotten a chance to read/reply. Methinks she's a little off with one of these, like, the last one. Now, without further ado:

Telegram from The Heel

5 Things That Baffle Me About Guys

In the grand tradition of pissing people off as Princess of Darkness, I have decided to pick a topic on which everyone has an opinion. My only guidance from the King consisted of “anything but the Steelers.” Good thing: I have nothing to say on that topic. I thought also about including a disclaimer along the lines of “These are opinions shared by this female and not all females in general.” However, I sense that there are some ladies who are poised to scratch wildly at my eyes with all their misplaced cattiness. Bring. It. On.

Without further introduction, here are some examples of strange guy behavior that cause occasional moments of confusion in my life:

1. When two straight guys are traveling on the train together, they sit just far enough away to take up twice the space.

Okay, this is the deal: I live in Chicago, and I take the L everywhere. I have noticed that straight guys (especially white guys) either sit across the car from each other on the seats that run parallel to the tracks OR they sit one on the far seat of the parallel seat and one on the far end of the horizontal seats, thus blocking two seats from use by other people. Why is it so difficult for two guys to sit next to each other? Do you think some hot girl is going to squeeze her ass between you guys and plop down in the middle of your conversation? It’s not likely. More likely, some cranky, middle-aged woman with overly strong perfume will squeeze in to sit down then proceed to talk loudly on her cell phone about her corns. Or is the analogous to the unspoken rules that govern the selection of a urinal? If so, I swear, no girl will think you’re gay. If any guy thinks that, who cares? It only really matters what girls think, right?

2. How can you spend 8 hours playing video games?

I get that you need to unwind and that Madden 2004 is a great way to blow off some steam. But eight hours? Really, any length of time over 2 hours seems excessive. I get that this is perhaps analogous to the female fondness for marathon shopping sprees. However, it’s a rare woman who can go for 8 hours without turning into a frazzled bitch.

3. Porn.

I have watched some. Maybe it was really bad, but I am still at a loss when it comes to the sexiness of these videos. Sure, people are naked, and they really are having sex, but neither really looks like their having fun. He’s too busy fighting for control, and she’s too busy faking her ecstatic moans. I don’t get the appeal.

4. Hairstyles.

This is mostly curiosity (as in, I have little opinion on the issue), but how do guys decide how to style their hair? There are definitely options available, so what makes a guy decide on one? Is it habit? A suggestion from a girlfriend, mother, friend, barber/stylist? I’m genuinely curious.

5. What do you mean when you say you like intelligent women?

As evidenced by my title in the Kingdom, I am the nemesis, the bringer of darkness, the heel to Adam’s hero, the Vader to his Luke. I received this esteemed position by voicing an opinion contrary to the conventional wisdom of the Kingdom. I have a sneaking suspicion that my gender played an important role in my elevation- it was probably my scathing comments on the (now defunct?) development of the Fundamental Rule of Life as a Guy. It seems to be standard operating procedure for guys to bail when a girl steps up and goes toe to toe with them. Believe me, you can’t gauge a girl’s intelligence by how well see fills out her sweater. And there’s nothing sexier than a guy who can rise to the challenge and prove you wrong. Either that, just tell the girl to chill out. Just don’t back down like a scared rabbit.

Okay kids, fire your arrows. You’ll find I’m no Achilles.
-KLE

Jack Bauer: My Day of Mourning Saviour

Okay, okay, relax, relax. I'm back. Jeez, you take ONE DAY to recover from a heartbreak you saw coming a mile away, and everyone gets all fussy.

First and foremost, here's the Link of the Day. It makes me happy. Which reminds me-- Piratefest is THIS weekend, and it starts about five blocks from where I work, Friday at 5. Who's the first Bucco signing autographs? Why, the incomparable Rob Mackowiak, that's who. Which begs the question: Does ANYONE want to meet me dahn'tahn and go to Piratefest with me on Friday? It's ten bucks. YOU can watch with glee as I wonder, in awe, through the glory of the David Lawrence Convention Center, resplendant in it's black and gold Pirate regalia. And I'll even promise not to wear my homemade Mackowiak t-shirt. I'll just opt for the 'Pittsburgh' jersey.

Also, whoever linked to the Stillers game is a heartless bastard/bitch. Pull that shit again, and I WILL use the power of the sitemeter to BAN your ass.

Moving right along. Yesterday sucked. I slept in until 1:30p to simultaneously recover from my hangover/heartache, then ran some errands. I thought comic book day could help save me from my Stillerless, Penguinless, Pirateless doldrums (it's going to be a LONG 24 days until Spring Training...even LONGER until Opening Day), but to no avail. The new writer on Adjectiveless X-Men still sucks, and much to my shagrin, NO ONE ON THE PLANET IS CAPABLE OF WRITING HAVOK LIKE HE HAS A SET OF BALLS. It really angers me. Also, I finally picked up a copy of "Invincible"-- a tongue-in-cheek look at teenage superheroes. Though it was okay, it didn't light my world on fire, and I ended up pretty disappointed. At least, however, Ex Machina is finally released in trade next week, and I'm due an Astonishing X-Men today or tomrrow. So there's still hope.

So yeah, Monday was sucking like no other. Then Jack Bauer killed 16 terrorists, nearly single-handedly, in the first ten minutes of 24 last night. In the process, he not only saved the Secretary of Defense, but also the Sec.'s daughter, Audrey, who just happens to be Jack's girlfriend. If you're keeping score at home Jack Bauer is the Tom Brady of Television heroes. If you've not started watching 24 yet, there's still time to get on board, as the terrorist plot has only JUST NOW become clear: "Use some sort of remote control device developed by the DOD to take control of all 104 nuclear power plants in the US, and cause 104 meltdowns. Good bye, America."

If that doesnt' get you to turn FOX on next Monday at 9, you hate America. Commie.

Really- the show's fantastic, and it is the only thing that took place after I woke up at 1:30pm yesterday that made me remotely happy.

Okay, that's going to have to do for now, it's goin' on 8+, I've got beer to bottle, I'm tired as hell, and the Queen Bee blatantly avoided eye contact with me, even though I was straight-dope-pimpin' in my light blue sweater/brown pants combo today. I even shaved. Dammit. Also- no song today, I'm too busy listening to "Rough Draft" by Yellowcard (Friday's Song of the Day) on repeat, as I am one to do.

Ah well, at least you never have to hear me say "straight-dope-pimpin'" in the Kingdom ever again. Also- KLE, where's my rant? I need to post SOMETHING tomorrow.

toodles,
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Friendly Intentions and Fair-Weather Smiles"

Happy Friday, moppets.

Pretty much 113% of everything on my mind has to do with a game I can’t talk about. However, it IS “Black and Gold Day II” here in the City of Champions, and you KNOW that I stepped up to the plate with my oh so svelte-looking black v-neck/yellow dress shirt combo. Thus ends the first-and-last ever Kingdom Fashion Report by Adam.

Moving right along, I played a very special game of Madden 2004 last night, and let the entire city down. 20-17 Pats over TTTWNBN. For the record, I haven’t played in a few months, and it was first foray into the magical realm known as “All-Madden Level.” I don’t think it really counts as an accurate portrayal of the game, though, because my roster included Larry Johnson and a number of fictional players created through the draft. Also, my team was decidedly Ben-less, being that he’s not on the game, and they didn’t have Corey Dillon, either. For the record, they got both their TDs on turnovers. Tommy Gun threw FOUR picks in the game (one was a hail Mary, though). Seems the O-Line kept collapsing, and he kept getting hit as he threw, leading to ugly throws, and uglier INTs. Also, Antwaan Randle-El fumbled a kickoff that was returned for 6, and even went so far as to injure himself for the entire game.

What this means for the team on Sunday is anybody’s guess. But I’m hoping to AVENGE last night’s loss tonight, and then settle the score once and for all with the appropriate rubber match.

And yes. I have no life.

Your Song of the Day is “Rough Draft,” and yes, it’s more Yellowcard. I know, I know. Honest, I try to keep from using the same band more than once a week, but these things happen. I found this song nestled into my directory the other night, and had no recollection of illegally downloading it. Then, lo and behold, after listening to it, realized it’s very poetic and beautiful. It’s been stuck in my head ever since. I thoroughly recommend tracking this one down.

With that, I give you LINKAPALOOZA 2005! There were just TOO many good ones to choose from today, most of which are taken from CNN.com. Proving, as usual, that the real world is MUCH funnier than anything I can find on the web.

First up, your science update for the day. Nothing particularly funny here, just cool. However, I think I’m the last regular average Joe-Citizen who is still captivated and blown away by everything and anything space-exploration related. Basically, we landed a probe on the surface of Saturn’s big moon, Titan (it’s bigger than Mercury) and found out that the whole thing’s covered in liquid natural gas and frozen methane. I find it amazing that if there were just a little bit of Oxygen on it somewhere, “it would’ve exploded a long time ago.” Oddly, the same thing happens to me when I watch Oxygen. Good thing they don’t get DirecTV on Titan. (Yes: that joke was terrible/lame.)

Next up is sad/funny, if only because I KNEW it was coming. If you’ve been watching 24, you know all about how all the EVIL people this season are Muslim terrorists. This includes the mastermind Araz family, who have done such amazingly dastardly things as poison their teenage son’s girlfriend “for the cause.” The “cause” as of so far, includes kidnapping the Sec. of Defense and holding him for public trial for crimes against humanity over the Internet. But I digress. I’ve not watched the first three seasons of 24, but wasn’t last year’s EVIL leader a Columbian Drug Lord, or something? Where was the PSA about how not all Columbians are evil? Yes, I know that anti-Muslim sentiment has been an underlying theme of this country since 9/11, and is totally unwarranted and unacceptable, and I’m not debating this. In fact, running these ads is probably a really good idea, because if the American public has proven anything to me over the last few years, it’s that I’m insanely out-of-touch with middle America, and middle America is stupid.

However, I’m just find it funny that though the show has gone out of its way to show other Muslims condemning the terrorists actions, and portray three thugs who harassed a Muslim (one was black, one was white, the other Asian, I believe) as bad guys last week (even going so far as to have the black call him “Mohammed” because “that’s what all of your names are” and then get chastised by the police as “a thug”) they PC-Patrol STILL had to take over, and give us little PSAs. I expected it, because this country is so afraid of offending anyone, that all we do is point out how we are offending everyone, and THUS, continuously highlight our differences. It just all seems very counterproductive to me.

Before I get off of my soapbox, I’ll just clarify that last point. What I’m trying to say is that by running these “we’re not all terrorists!” ads, in order to make it all better, we’re merely highlighting the fact that we’re different. Isn’t it enough that they’re just BAD GUYS? Why do we have to connect the dots for people and say, “Really, all Muslims aren’t evil—honest! Check it out, they do good stuff, too!” Again, maybe I’m out of touch, and maybe there’s an 8-year old in Nebraska who will feel better about the next time they meet a Muslim, and the PC-Police will have been proven right. But that just gets me talking about parents letting kids watch 24 in the first place….

Okay, Rant over.

Perhaps the Council on American-Islamic relations should get a mascot thrown in with THIS CREW! Speaking of the PC-Police, the only people worse than them are the Radical Christians. I got it! Perhaps instead of showing how there are, gee-willickers, honest-to God GOOD MUSLIMS out there on their PSAs, the Council should air this video, followed by a message showing that there are CRAZY ASSHOLE CHRISTIANS out there who don't want it to air! If SpongeBob and Pooh Bear aren’t safe from the fundamentalists, no one is.

At least this article gives us perhaps the most amazing piece of journalism I’ve ever read:

SpongeBob, who lives in a pineapple under the sea, was "outed" by the U.S. media in 2002 after reports that the TV show and its merchandise are popular with gays. His creator, Stephen Hillenburg, said at the time that though SpongeBob was an oddball, he thought of all the characters in the show as asexual.

“SpongeBob, who lives in a pineapple under the sea…” fantastic.

And finally, I leave you with this, that shows that every now and then, when someone who’s, you know, a NORMAL person with a working brain steps up and speaks out, some good can happen. Of course I speak of my HERO, John Stewart, who’s clash with Carlson on Crossfire, some outlets have reported, was almost directly responsible for THIS.

Okay, well, that should do it, I hope you enjoyed this episode of the DOSE, which had a little bit o' something for everyone. Don't forget to root for the TTTWNBN this weekend, and WATCH BATTLESTAR GALACTICA!

..oh, and be good to each other.
and send money.

..or a girlfriend.

-apk

DAILY DOSE: "This is the Last Time You Fall On Me for Anything You Like"

Well everyone, it’s been a pretty slow week around these parts, so you’ll have to forgive me for the lack of good blogging. I’m sort of in a weird, pent-up nervousness mood, due to the impending Game to End All Games on Sunday. Which, obviously, I won’t be speaking about. However, should things go poorly, don’t expect to hear from me for a few days, but don’t worry—I maybe probably won’t jump off the Clemente Bridge, I’ll just hide in my room until February 16 (when we watch A Few Good Men in movies class). Besides, I’ve heard that the Clemente Bridge isn’t high enough to kill yourself off of. Were I to take the leap, I think I’d probably break my leg and drown in the Allegheny. Which sounds like the WORST way to go—have you seen the Allegheny?

Anywho, enough about Stillers-induced suicide, let’s talk about her Royal Darkness, KLE. Recently knighted as the Official Heel of the Kingdom, KLE was nice enough to accept my offer to write as an EVIL guest star. KLE, the email address is adam.knor@gmail.com, I’d like to post something up next Tuesday. I don’t know what you mean by “speak the truth,” and almost got mad at what that implies—until I realized that’s just you being you, trying to get a rise out of us. You’re so GOOD at being BAD. So start writing. (Also, it’s draft Blue Moon. But a dollar’s a dollar.)

As for my personality. Kujo, you were wrong—dead wrong. I am not an ENTJ. Actually, I clocked in as an INFP. My write up reads:

Usually gentle and kind, they are intense and passionate about their
values and deeply held beliefs, which they share with trusted friends.
Because of their discreet manner, their enthusiasm may not be
apparent. They are sensitive to others' pain, restlessness or general
discomfort and strive to find happiness, balance and wholeness for
themselves in order to help others find joy, satisfaction and
plenitude. They are deeply empathetic.

They live life in an intently personal fashion, acting on the belief
that each person is unique and that social norms are to be respected
only if they do not hinder personal development or expression. They
strive to adhere to their own high personal moral standards and are
particularly sensitive to inconsistencies in their environment between
what is being said and what is being done. Empty promises of adhering
to something they value – such as environmental causes or human rights
- set off an inner alarm and they may transform themselves into modern
day Joan of Arcs.

They are quietly persistent in raising awareness of cherished causes
and often fight for the underdog in quiet or not-so-quiet ways. In a
team, they will raise issues of integrity, authenticity, and good or
bad, and may to opt out if the team refuses to address the questions
raised.

They are usually tolerant and open-minded, insightful, flexible and
understanding. They live for the understanding of others and feel
deeply grateful when someone takes the time to get to know them
personally. They have good listening skills, are genuinely concerned,
insightful, and usually avid readers. At their best, they inspire
others to be themselves.

I think that matches up to me pretty well, but YMMV. Opinions?

Okay, I’m thinking we’re Linkless today. That, or give me some more time to come up with something. I’m a little short on ideas. The best I’ve got for y’all is the Fantastic Four teaser trailer, but I doubt many of you are interested (regardless of the Jessica Alba-greatness). The Song of the Day is “This is the Last Time” by Keane. I’ve heard precious little of this band, but so far, they’re 3 for 3. Give ‘em a ear or two, you’ll probably enjoy it.

And finally

THE MACKOWIAK UPDATE:

Rob is the only remaining unsigned, arbitration-eligible Pirate. It looks like he’s head to arbitration, too. The Buccos offered him $1.3 Mil, and he wants $1.8. Can you say “impasse?” I knew you could..

Okay, that’s it for today. Perhaps I’ll return, perhaps I won’t. Nice to see the chatter on the boards, though. It makes me all warm and fuzzy. I’ve got an idea—throw out YOUR AFC Title Game predictions. Just because I can’t say anything, doesn’t mean that you can’t.

Be good to each other,

-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Real Life Ain't No Fairy Tale, I Just Thought You Should Know"

Greetings, kind sirs, and madams.

I think Grampy is right. It's high time KLE have the bully pulpit here in the Kingdom. So KLE, if you're interested in pissing an even larger audience than usual, please let me know. Perhaps I'll give you your own little version of "Piper's Pit" every Tuesday (being I'll probably never post on a Tuesday again this semester..) Let me know what you think!

Actually, let me know what you ALL think. I'd love to make Tuesday's "Guest Star Day" around here, but I need people to be willing to, y'know..write something. If you're interested in writing perhaps monthly, or even less often, speak up now!

Okay- remember when it was 70 and sunny in the 'Burgh last week? Yeah. me neither. 17 and snow today. Awesome. AND I got to try to drive dahn' tahn' to rescue Adina's car from the impound lot. (Don't ask.) At least Hemingway's, my local lawschool waterin' hole can make it alllll better tonight (and EVERY Wednesday night) with $1 Blue Moons.

Every now and then, my prayer's are answered. Didn't even bust out the rosary for that "dollar Blue Moons" wish, either. (Good thing, too, I'm saving it for Tom Brady's broken leg...)

Movin' right along, I'm at school, and about to head to the post office to send out Taylor's cool-ass "Blacksheep" logo, so I gotta run. In the meantime, YOUR Song of the Day is "Avondale" by Yellowcard. Kind of dark and haunting and angsty. Just like me.

The Link is also posted. Kind of lame, but they can't ALL be Duck Hunt. It's something I had to go to for class. Wanna know what personality type I am? I'll let you all know tomorrow, if, in fact, y'all go take the test y'rselves.

Anywho, be cool...reeealllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll coooooooool.
-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER: "Wow."

Incredible. Stupendous. Exhilarating. Amazing. Harrowing. Exciting. Thrilling. A roller-coaster ride of titanic proportions. Dramatic with the happiest of endings.

Of course. I speak of Sesame Street Live!

..oh, and I guess there was a football game, or something, this weekend. If only I could talk about it. Y’know, when this ride is over, be prepared for the Longest Post in the History of the Kingdom, because there’s just so much to say about the Team That Will Not Be Named. I will say this, though. I cannot describe how strongly I felt that the other shoe had finally dropped on the Team Saturday night, yet they still survived. And I believe that means something. I just wish it didn’t have to be New England. But I can’t talk about that.

But I can talk about Sesame Street! Okay, I’ve been made fun of for going in the first place, but let me tell you all that it was exactly what I needed. On Friday, I had written about feeling old, but I didn’t write about how strongly I felt as though I’m in a rut of sorts. That it would be another night in Pittsburgh of bar-hanging and accomplishing nothing. I needed a changeup. I needed something different to do. Something offbeat and quirky. And when Jeanie jokingly suggested taking in Sesame Street Live!, I realized that it was exactly that something. I’ll post a review today or tomorrow, for those of you wondering about the show. I will tell you all that I learned two life-altering lessons. First, the Martians say “Yupyupyupyupyupyupyup” not “Yipyipyipyipyipyip,” which is akin to Drew learning the correct lyrics to “Hypnotize.” Secondly, we are all Earthlings, we are all different, yet the same. And we should all love each other. I’m going to try to live by that lesson now. So love to you all (except Tom Brady.)

Friday also featureda spec-tacular dinner at the Hot Metal Grille, which included my first ahai tuna experience, salmon bisque, and duck with raspberry/blueberry sauce. Ex-fuckin’-squisite. After dropping Jean-Eileen off at home (Props to her, by the way, for being the only friend who would actually go to Sesame Street Live! with me), I rendez-vous’d with Z and ‘Pizz in Shadyside for a little well-timed drinkin’ where we ran into Drew’s old Homecoming Date, Melissa, and had a solid night of reminiscing and brew-hahas. Good times.

The rest of the weekend was donated fully to football, with the exception of a night on the town in W-Moreland. We watched the Team That Will Not Be Named at Pizz’s sisters house, in glorious surroundsound, on a 65+ inch television. It felt like we were there SO much, that I’m pretty sure Ben threw his first pick, because he thought I was open. Also, I want to go on the record for saying that the Vonage broadband telephone commercial (the one where the kid swings the baseball bat through the patio window), and its accompanying jingle, is the Official Lucky Commercial of the Team That Will Not Be Named. Learn the tune. Sing it when they need something good to happen. It works, I promise.

And yes, I’m superstitious as hell, and mentally disturbed. After this last playoff game, and my experience with the Cardinals in the World Series, I’ve come to realize that if one of my four personal favourite-massively-adored teams (Bucs, TTTWNBN, Pens, and Nits) ever actually play in a Championship Game, it’ll probably kill me. But WHAT a way to go.

Okay, back to the grind, THIS is YOUR Link of the DAY (go to the forum and read them appropriately trash dickhead TTTWNBN fans). No song, though, I don’t have one stuck in my head. I might be too fried from the game. Maybe I need to go see Sesame Street again? Finding Nemo on Ice is coming in March…

ONE LAST THING! – the first two new episodes of BattleStar Galactic aired this weekend, and were both dark, well acted, clever and exceptionally written shows. If you remotely like sci-fi, I implore you to check it out. Honestly, it’s just good drama, too. It’s just excellence, and this isn’t even me in fanboy mode—promise.

Alrighty, I’m out.

-apk

WEEKEND PREGAME: "YipYipYipYip YipYipYipYip UhHuuh UhHuuuh"

That's right- I'm going to see Sesame Street Live! tonight. After some hopefully impressive dining, that is. Afterwards, probably some drinkin- so if you're looking for friends to roll with tonight, drop me a line sometime after 9 or so.

Now, all I've got to to is remember to set my VCR to tape both Enterprise and the series premiere of BattleStar Galactica...

oh, and there's some football game tomorrow, or something.. i dunno.

later kids!
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "My Mind is Just a Crutch, and I Still Hope that You Will Miss Me When I'm Gone"

Good morning boys and girls, and welcome to the weekend. There’s a pretty good chance I might even step up today, and write you a “Weekend Pregame.” I know, I know, this is the Kingdom, Land of Broken Promises. I tried to write the Wal*Mart op-ed piece yesterday, but it really was just sort of falling apart at the seams. Methinks I need to re-draft. Which is odd, because I rarely do anything but write to you all through the magic of stream-of-conscious.

Anyhow, I think I’m going to actively work to keep the DOSEs shorter, so that I stop using them as an alternative/excuse to keep from writing for real. So here’s a quick story, and then YOUR Link (a DOOZY) and Song of the Day.

It’s 11am, and today is already frickin’ gangbusters (insert sarcasm here). Not only has one early-morning salutation of “have a good weekend” pretty much turned me against Friday in general, but I had to dress up for work today, and I feel old. You see, I stopped by the Seven-Eleven on Liberty Ave. today (gametime temperature: 29degrees + high winds.. wasn’t it 70 when I left work yesterday?) for some Wild Berry Poptarts and a Black Cherry Propel (both Officially Sanctioned Snack Foods of the Kingdom), when I noticed the “old enough to buy tobacco sign” is now ALL the way up to 1987. Hence, I feel old. In fact, I don’t know if there’s anything else I routinely encounter that makes me feel older.

Except, perhaps, for Rob. Rob is my boss’s son, and he’s a great kid. I think he’s 14 or 15, which means he was actually born in 1989 or 90. He’s a HS Sophomore, and it made me feel VERY old to realize that I was a HS Sophomore the last time the Team That Will Not Be Named made it to the Big Game at the End. Creepy. Plus, he was what, THREE, the last time the Pirates finished over .500. Again: Me = Old.

On the bright side, between Sam and Steve, the boys I babysat two summers ago, and now Rob, I find that I relate particularly well with adolescent boys. I think it has something to do with my affinity for ESPN, video games, and cartoons. Since I’ll never be married/ have kids, at least I can stand tall knowing full well that I’m pretty much going to be the best uncle of all time.

Okay, Link of the Day is AWESOME. Prepare to lose your jobs if you go there, because the game is so much fun, you’ll never stop playing. Warning, though- it has sound, so keep those speakers turned DOWN.

Your Song of the Day is the “The Last Song” by the All-American Rejects, because it woke me from my bus slumber. I was surprised to find a young woman sitting next to me there too! But was, of course, disappointed to find that I was not attracted to her. When her nose ring is her best feature, we’re struggling.

Back to work, and back to my search for my next ex-girlfriend. Perhaps I’ll post a questionnaire or something… would anyone find that even remotely entertaining? No one makes fun of me better than I do, right? I could have that up by the end of the day, if there’s enough (read: 1 request) demand for it.

So much for short Doses, eh?

If I’m not back later (but I probably will be with that questionnaire) have a great weekend, y’all, and enjoy the divisional playoffs. If anyone is interested in having fun tonight, you know how to reach me.

In the meantime, let the rain in Spain fall mainly on the plain
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Guess I'll Let it Go."

66? It’s SIXTY-SIX degrees in Pittsburgh today. And what’s it supposed to be tomorrow? 32 and SNOWING. Check out the Link of the Day, and then don’t bother asking me why I’m sick as a dog next week. This city’s insane. It really is…

INSANE FOR THE TEAM THAT WILL NOT BE NAMED!

I can’t wait for Saturday, really. I’ve yet to finalize a game-watching plan, so if you’re out there and have big-screen/brew access, let me know! For a moment, though, I’d like to ask you guys how you feel about fair-weather fans. Since everyone who reads this Blog is pretty much from a currently-successful NFL town (Boston, Philly, etc…), I’d like to know how you football fans feel about this. In honesty, it’s starting to annoy me. Seeing every single business put up a Stillers poster, and every random girl who thinks the yellow line on the TV is real putting up Stiller away messages and buying Big Ben t-shirts, is actually detracting from my “better than average season” enjoyment.

Is this normal? Am I like one of those music fans who starts hating their favorite band as soon as it gets popular? This isn’t really ruining my enjoyment of the season, just detracting from it. Where were these people last year at 6-10? How do the rest of you feel about this one?

Today's Song of the Day is "Shimmer" by Fuel, which popped up on the bus ride today, and has officially gotten stuck in my head. Great song, always reminds me of senior week, Ocean City, 1998.

Okay, that’s the Dose for now, I should be back later with something a little more fun to talk about, like “Angelina Jolie’s SHOCKING Sex Tape!”

Stay tuned,

-apk

Oh- one last thing: Happy Birthday Justine!

DAILY DOSE: "Knight in Shining Armour I Will Be Your Fairy Tale"

Yeah, yeah, "he's finally posting again," blah blah. You know me, friends, when school starts up again, it takes a few days to get all the blog-timing kinks worked out, so sorry this is the first time I've posted up all week. Good news, though-- there's a REALLY good chance that I'm only going to have class on Tuesdays and Wednesdays during this, my final semester as a student. Can anyone say "five day weekend?" Well, I can't, because I'm going to work on Thursdays and Fridays. However, I think I might go into school on Mondays just to watch TV with friends and play racquetball...and maybe have office hours and work on my independent study.

But I digress, sorry for neglecting you all. You know, when I'm suspiciuosly absent, feel free to post and have discussions amongst yourselves. You don't need lil' ol' me to spark debate, do you? Anywho- sorry again for leaving you to your own devices, but If you think this is bad, you should see the state of the Federation of Knoria, which has gone down the crapper this week to do my neglect. It's my own little slice of political science heaven at Nationstates.net, your Link of the Day. Run a search for "Knoria," and you'll see what I'm talkin' bout. Also, feel free to make your own country, run it into the ground, and join my region. Sweet.

Okay, so not a ton's been going on, but on Thursday I will probably be posting my randomly insightful "I hate Wal*Mart" column, so stay tuned for that. In the meantime, I need to talk to you about 24.

I had never watched it, but always wanted to. Every year, it seems I would miss the first couple episodes, and convince myself that I couldn't watch it cuz I would be lost. Let me just tell you that I watched four hours of the new season over the last two days, and am positively hooked. The show is INCREDIBLE, and even if you've missed it so far, you should jump on board this week and start watching. If you want, email me, and I'll catch you up. The show has me on the edge of my seat every day. It's just true awesomeness.

While you're at it, if you have the SciFi channel, and you want to try scifi that's not TOO scifi/geeky, check out BattleStar Galactica, starting this weekend. It's really more of a war-movie in space, and the miniseries that kicked it off last spring was exceptionally well done. It features Edward James Olmos (who spoke at Dickinson and told everyone that Dario looks like Jesus) and Mary McDonnel who "Stands with a Fist" and dies in Independce Day. Really cool space batttles, too. Grampy- I highly suggest you give it a look. It's a gritty space war saga.

Okay, I know that's a pretty weak Dose, but I just got from a llllllloooooooooooong day that included two hours of Insurance Law. I was hoping that Tommy Maddox would be a guest speaker, but to no avail. Perhaps after the playoffs... And yes, it was as boring as you think a two hour class about Insurance would be. At least, the 35 minutes I was actually awake was that boring.

Okay- song of the day is "All for love" by Color Me Badd. Just so corny that it works. Good stuff.

See yinz tomorrow maybe, certainly Thursday. Just bare with me this week, and we'll be back to you regularly scheduled Kingdom of Goodness.

later
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "La lal la la la la la la la Pennsylvannnnnnnnnnnnnia"

::WARNING! DO NOT OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY WHILE READING THE KINGDOM!!::

Hey! Just wanted to get a DOSE up quickly, so I don't bore ol' Tom Brady to tears, again. Actually, I'm here so early because I don't know how long the Link of the Day is going to be active. It's a SLAM-BANG collection of beautiful EP III Pics. Don't worry- no real spoilers here. Just some his-res pics of Grievous, Yoda, and Vader all in action. Yes- Vader with saber and flying cape. Insanity. I hope they still work!

Today's Song is "Pennsylvania" by..I can't remember his name. He's the lead singer from "They Might be Giants," and this is the dumbest fun song of all time. Kup and I used it weekly on our radio show back in the day, and since I finally found all of the 50 Hours for Autism tapes last night, it's been stuck in my head. So there you go.

Okay, I've got to get a TON done at work today, so I'm not sure if I'll be back later or not. Although I DO have many a grievences to air about Wal*Mart.

take it easy
-apk

WINTER BREAKout! -- THE WAYBACK MACHINE and the NFL

Well hello, hello, and welcome back to the Kingdom. Today is a special day. We’re going to jump in the Wayback Machine and set course for “late summer 2004.” When we arrive, we’ll take a look at both Uram’s NFL Predictions, as well as my own. We’ll see who was stupid, who was smart, and who got stuff so out-of-whack wrong, that I just can’t BELIEVE it. Now, on to the show. Stuff Uram said will be in Red, stuff I said will be in Blue. Current thoughts will remain in the Normal text colour.

AFC East

Patriots: 13-3 (Boston will be too busy killing themselves over the latest Red Sox Playoff Loss to the Yankees that they wont even notice).

Bills: 8-8 (There coach is named MALARKEY.. The end)

Dolphins: 6-10 (If pot gets legalized between now and September, then Ricky will come back to lead them to the superbowl)

Jets : 6-10 (Renting a stadium and fans from the Giants didn’t produce victories before and they won’t produce them now)

Miami is floating belly-up. You heard it here 117th. I despise every team in this division but Buffalo. Unfortunately, Buff's not that good. The Jets could make the playoffs, and I'll probably pick them to, in a minute. The Patsies look so indestructible, and I hate them so so much, that I can't even talk about them without the site crashing and burning like Craig Wilson. So let's move on.

Perhaps the easiest division to pick at the onset of the season, it’s interesting to note that Uram single-handedly jinxed the Yankees. He was also dead-wrong about the Jets. Me, I kept it nice and vague like, although I did pick them for the post-season.

AFC South:
Colts: 12-4 (Peyton Manning will MAKE SURE that he doesn’t have two consecutive good games before the AFC title game)

Titans: infinity-0 (ITS SAINT MCNAIR TO THE RESCUE!! STEVE MCNAIR IS THE BEST DRUNK DRIVER OOPS I MEAN QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL Seriously, titans will go 8-8)

Jaguars and Texans will suck as usual.

God, I hate the Titans, but they'll probably at least Wild Card it again this year. This is a tough division, which has two of the most interesting young teams in the League in Jax and Houston. The Titans' defense will be weakened, I think. They've lost too many playmakers in a row. Steve McNair, as much as I hate him, will use bailing wire and masking tape to hold himself together and practically WILL this team to the playoffs. Since I hate McNair and Jeff Fisher, I'm going to say they don't make it, though. Why? Because the rumours of Indianapolis's death have been greatly exaggerated following another gutwrencher to the Colts. It's WEEK ONE, people! Everyone conveniently forgets that the Patsies got embarassed by the BILLS in Week One last year, and they turned out fine. Peyton's going to get pissed, soon, and lead this team all the way to the AFC Championship game, again. Unfortunately, Tony Dungy's still the head coach, and he'll never win a big playoff game, ever.

I think this pretty much sums up how I know the AFC, and Uram knows the NFC (you’ll see how badly I picked the NFC in a minute). Interestingly, I figured the Jags for a playoff spot, and they almost pulled it off. I’m also a little impressed at how well I predicted TN to fall apart without McNair. Yay me. Although I’m not so sure that whole “Peyton in the AFC Championship game” thing, even though I think he’s REALLY due against the Pats.

AFC North:
Bengals: 10-6 (someone has to win this crappy division, might as well give the bungals a chance)

Ravens: 9-7 (Murdering people is cool. Helping your cousin buy cocaine is just as cool)

Steelers: 8-8 (Cowher might use the power of his chin to will the Stillers into the playoffs, but I gotta be safe and say 8-8)

Browns: 4-12 (This team is going to be absolutely horrible and Kellan Winslow will not even suit up this season)

First, as an unabashed homer, I'll tell you this about the Stillers: They're going to the playoffs. I think the AFC North is incredibly weak, and (even before yesterday's drubbing to the Other Browns) think that the Ravens are MASSIVELY overrated. However, are the Browns really that good?

The Picksburgh O-Line will be borderline excellent, so long as it stays healthy. Which is a BIG if. The Defensive rush showed signs of life yesterday for the first time in over a year, thanks to Dickie the Beautiful, and Tommy has shown that he's MORE than capable of running the offense for one more year, before Big Ben begins to routinely Strike Six. I honestly think they can go 10-6, with a few breaks, and win the Divison.

I'll go deeper. The Bungles don't take the step back that everyone's predicting, but I think the Stillers just take a bigger step forward. Carson Palmer, though he's from "The Pacific Dancing League" will do just fine, and the Defense will keep getting better. I figure the Browns are still kind of random, I can't even begin to predict if they go 5-11 or 10-6. Picking their games will drive me nuts all year. The Ravens are SUPER-OVERRATED. The Stillers and Titans showed how to beat them last year, ie: Make them Pass. I liked Boller A LOT when they drafted him, but it seems like the "QB Guru," Coach What'shisfrick (whom i HATE at Chuck Nunez levels) has him totally FUBARed. Until an O-Lineman gets hurt, roll with the Stillers.

Well, I could’ve never known that Tommy would get hurt and Ben would be the Offensive Rookie of the Year (we’ll talk about him fully when it’s safe to.) Uram and I both overestimated the Bengals and Palmer, but it looks like they’ll be on track for next year. I NEVER thought the Browns would be as awful as they were, so props to Alex for calling that one. However, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a hundred times: THE BALTIMORE RAVENS ARE THE MOST OVERRATED TEAM IN FOOTBALL. Thank you.

AFC West:
Chiefs: 11-5 (they are guaranteed 8 wins because they just don’t lose at home. And I want Dick Vermeil in the playoffs so I can see him cry after his defense once again costs him a trip to the superbowl.)

Broncos: 10-6 (its fuckin’ cold up there. The broncos can get to the superbowl on the momentum of a possible Kobe Bryant conviction in nearby Eagle, Co.)

Raiders: 7-9 (Warren Sapp is a fat fuck)

Chargers: 5-11 (but they will still finish better than Eli’s team!!)

I think this is the Bronocos' Divison, because I frankly don't believe in KC whatsoever. Ashlie LeeeLeeeee, who's MUCH better than Ashlee Simpson is going to be big time-- trust me on this. Jake Plummer loves making big throws his way. And that new RB? Good gravy. He's a talented bastard. Oh, and they actually have some semblance of a Defense. Something Dick Vermiel has yet to grasp.

other thoughts: The over/under of every KC game will/should be 50. Take the over. Every game the Chargers play, they can win, for two reasons: Tomlinson and Tomlinson. Okay, Drew Brees is also auditioning to every team for a new job, and he's a talent (I always liked him at Purdue). Tricky team, that's not as bad as you think they are. And the Raiders? They're in transition, and I don't think they can run the ball. They're good enough to go .500, but Warren Sapp and Ted Washington did Jack-Dick against last year's 30th ranked Rushing team yesterday.

Okay, “Every game the Chargers play, they can win” and “Drew Brees…is a talent” may be the two smartest things I said over the last year, just to pat myself on the back for a moment. Uram and I both had the Broncos pegged. His prediction that Vermeil’s lack of Defense cost him a Super Bowl wasn’t wrong—the Chiefs just didn’t bother to wait until the playoffs to tank it on D. Looking back, I did pretty good with the AFC. And yes, I’m as surprised as you are. Now, on to my weakness and Uram’s strong suit, the NFC.

NFC East:
Eagles: 14-2 (nooo, I’m not a homer. The superbowl is a stone cold mortal lock.)

Redskins: 9-7 (Joe Gibbs will make them better but we will see the REAL Clinton Portis)

Cowgirls: 8-8 (Antonio Bryant and Bill Parcells will have a fight on national TV thus ruining their season)

Giants: 3-13 (Not only will this team be horrible and they will realize that Eli sucks, but they also will have to give up a high draft pick to the chargers. Tiki will once again lead the league in fumbles)

Fly, Eagles Fly, on an easy road to the playoffs. They get to beat up the Giants twice. Split with the Redskins (Portis TRANSFORMS this team, and Arrington's going to have a monster season) and the Cowboys are smoke and mirrors, with Vinnie Interceptaverde, to boot. Oh, and I hate Eddie George. So to recap: Iggles win. 'Skins make playoffs.

Oops. Uram was right about the ‘Skins and ‘the real Clinton Portis’ I was wrong. Wrong wrong WRONG. Especially about Arrington’s “Monster Season.” The point, as always, is that I’m an idiot.

NFC South:
Falcons: 11-5 (Michael Vick needs to win lots of games so he can make enough money to bail his brother out of prison)

Panthers: 10-6 (This team can just as easily go 7-9. Those lucky close-game wins of last year will catch up to them)

Bucs: 7-9 (Eat shit Gruden)

Saints: 6-10 (Shawn Salisbury’s favorite team will once again prove that Shawn’s prediction abilities were as good as he was in the NFL)

Atlanta is consistently overrated, along with Vick. Tampa Blows. The 'Aints ain't that good. I like NORTH CAROLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA a LOT. They play defense, and they they're the best T-E-A-M (notice, no 'I') in the NFC. Jake v. Jake in the SuperBowl? Could be. Actually, that's just gimmicky enough, that I'm going to run with it.

Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Carolina screwed me so hard, I can’t even begin to explain it. And for the record, I still think if they would’ve gotten into the playoffs, they were the only team in the NFC that could give Philly a run for its money. For the record, people are finally starting to realize that Vick is an overrated, underwhelming passer. Uram and I were both wrong with the Saints, who just barely missed the playoffs. HE was dead on with the Cats, though, being that all of last year’s good fortune lead to them becoming a Black and Carolina Blue M*A*S*H unit this season. Dammit.

NFC North:
Vikings: 10-6 (This division sucks ass, so the Viks should prevail)

Packers: 8-8 (Brett Favre has no more fathers in his life that can conveniently die in time to get him into the playoffs)

Lions: 5-11 (Come on, they are the lions)

Bears: 4-12 (DAAAAAAAAAAAA BUMS)

Bears need another year or two, I think. Grossman's too young, and SEC Quarterbacks not named "Manning" need extra time in the NFL. I refuse to ever bet against Brett Favre, especially a Brett Favre that's one ring away from retiring and making "There's Something About Mary II: This time there's REALLY something about her, and I beat up Ben Stiller and steal the girl at the end. And I do it all for my dad." I truly despise the Vikings, and laugh that because of a big opening weekend, everyone will be on that bandwagon as they start out 5-1, again, like they do every year, only to have the wheels fall off the proveribal wagon. The Lions? I LIKE the Lions. My NFC Sleeper. Fun, fun team with a LOT of weapons, and just as I believe Drew Brees can be good, I think Harrington can be better. Maybe they make the playoffs, let's see.

Please go back and read what I wrote about the Vikings. That prediction is so good, that it almost gets me off the hook for the whole “Detroit makes the playoffs” thing. You were about to rake me over the coals for that one, right--- but WAIT! I posted this the next day:

[Charles Rogers and] Dre Bly's hurt, too. Forget everything I said about Detroit. Marc's analysis is dead on. See what happens when you try to have a little fun with your picks? The Football Gods Smote you. If you're keeping score at home, let's make that Atlanta, and have them lose like the Lions.

NFC West:
Seahawks: 12-4 (if the eagles are gonna lose a 4th strait NFC title game, this will be the team to beat them)

Rams: 10-6 (OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap)

Cardinals: 7-9 (They will have more wins than fans at their games)

49ers: 1-15 (This will be the absolute worst team in football)

Seahawks are the only real team in this division, they win it in a walk. I can't even remember who else is there.

Well, Uram and I, like everyone in America, actually expected great things from Seattle. Probably the single-biggest OOPS of the year. At least they made the playoffs. ‘Lex showed excellent foresight with both the Cards and Niners, though, and he truly understands the Rams.

As for the Playoffs, Uram limited his analysis to the following:

Superbowl:Eagles over anyone from the AFC.
So there you have it. Overall, he was pretty much spot-on, this season. Way to go, Uram.

Here are my pre-season playoff picks:

AFC PLAYOFFS:
Home Field: Patriots
First Round Bye: Indy

Pittsburgh defeats Jets
Denver defeats Jacksonville

Let’s stop right there- I successfully predicted 5 of the 6 AFC playoff teams? How the HELL am I doing so poorly in the Outback Challenge? After that, I just got a little cheesy with my picks, one of which I hope DOESN’T happen this season…

Denver defeats New England
Indianapolis defeats Picksburgh

AFC Title Game:
Denver defeats Indy

Denver over Indy? How the hell did I get to that?
...oh! just thinking this up, I figured Denver plays at NE, and Pit at Indy. I already said Peyton goes to the title game again, but Dungy can't win. And I refuse to say NE/Indy play each other AGAIN in the title game, with NE going to another SuperBowl, because that would make me cry. I don't think that the Steelers could EVER beat the Pats at NE, but didn't want to admit it. So I have Denver and the Snake with an upset, then they HAVE to beat Indy, because I already said Dungy can't win a big game. Frankly, Indy or NE will probably be there. But whatever. I'm going to stand by Denver, dammit!

See—I was stuck in a corner, and had to fight my way out. Good thing the whole “Pittsburgh with Home Field Advantage”thing changes all the scenarios. Hmm…..

NFC PLAYOFFS:
Home Field: NORTH CAROLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA
Bye: Seattle

Philly over Atlanta
'Skins over Packers

Panthers over 'Skins
Philly over Seattle

Panthers over Philly

This could go a bunch of ways. For the Record-- if the 'Skins play Philly in the playoffs, I think the 'Skins beat them. It's only a hunch, and Wash probably won't even make the playoffs. I'm just having fun here, and trying to make some unconventional picks, because I really don't know the NFC that well. I think Carolina's the best team there, and I have a hard time seeing Philly in ANOTHER Championship game. If they make it, I almost hope they win. ... nah, I don't. I really don't like them. Seattle, I think, doesn't make it that far, they seem like the type of team that blows it at home against a Philly team with something to prove. But that's just my opinion, I could be wrong.

And BOY was I wrong. Damn the NFC. Dammit. I basically got 4 of 6 teams right, but had the positioning so screwed up, there’s no way ANY of this works out. But really, I named 9 of 12 NFL Playoff Teams after Week One. I’m feeling pretty good about that, too.

So there you have it, if you’ve read this far, I’m damn impressed. Now, just wait until you see my baseball predictions in April…. If the Kingdom’s still around by then.

Oh? What’s that- you want my Current NFL Playoff Predictions? Okay..what the hell?

AFC
Indy over Denver
SD over Jets

Indy over NE
The Team That Will Not be Named over San Diego

TTTWNBN over Indy

(A guy can dream, can’t he?) Besides, you GOTTA BELIEVE! WHY NOT US! By God We Take It Back.

NFC
Packers over Vikings
St. Lou over Seattle

Philly over St. Lou
Packers over Falcons

Philly over Packers

KEYSTONE BIG GAME AT THE END.
-everybody wins-

yes, I punted. Actually, I just refuse to jinx them. thanks.

-apk

DAILY DOSE: "I'mmmmmmmmmmm the onnnne"

During my drive to work today, the radio, for once, didn't let me down. Not only did it provide me with "Total Eclipse of the Heart" for the second time in three days, but it hooked me up with Mr. Big's "To Be With You." An 80's Hair Band Cheese-Ballad at its best, and it's stuck in my head. Thus, it's YOUR Song of the Day. By the way, does anyone else think that the "I'mmmmmmmmmmm the onnnnnnnnnne" solo towards the end of a song sounds like a chick? can anyone confirm/deny this for me?

I'm stopping by to give y'all a Dose today, largely because I'm not sure if I'll be coming up with any REAL material today. However, before I give you the Link of the Day, I need to give Jeanie some Props for giving me a couch to re-couperate on during Buff-A-Thon 2005. Basically, Monday all day consisted of Chinese food (of which she still has my leftovers!) and 9 episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I can't put into words how much I dig that show. Honest, it's good stuff.

Anywho, Link-time. Grampy, you will love this if you haven't seen it. It's the cover to the new issue of Vanity Fair, and features a quadruple fold-out of every major Star Wars player hanging out with George Lucas. Truly cool stuff, I'll be tracking down the mag. I am a little disappointed at the lack of Wedge. I mean, he's the only supporting character to appear in all three Original movies. Jimmy Smitts makes the photo-op, but the only guy to survive both Death Star attacks doesn't? Bullshit. But I digress.

Okay, enjoy your hump-day, and be good to each other. I can't believe classes start in like, five days. Ugh.

-apk

WINTER BREAKout! -- Best Moments of 2004

Happy New Year, everyone!

I can safely say that the DC/Baltimore New Year’s festivities were truly fantastic. Just give me some time to recover and let it all sink in, and I’ll tell you all about it. In the meantime, feel free to share some quality NYE stories of your own!

Since I was bogged down by the holiday season, I’ve fallen behind on some of the year-end fun I had hoped to take care of, but, since I’m tired of breaking promises to y’all here in the Kingdom, I’ve decided to truck ahead, and post some 2004 Reflections, anyhow! One list I wanted to share was my personal Top 10 moments/nights of 2004. This will not only help me reflect on the year that was, but also allow me to record for posterity, here on my online diary, some memories of the year that was. It wasn’t the best of years, and it wasn’t the worst, and I’m sure that I’ve forgotten some truly fantastic moments, but here’s the best I could come up with today as I trudged through some lawwork.

First up, your usual “no explanation provided” Honorable Mentions:

Skyblast, The Grease Megamix, “The Moon looks like a cottonball,” The Downtown Countdown “Girl in the Green Dress,” Hershey kiss cookies, any away message with the word “absofuckinlutely,” Watching Stillers v. New England while in Boston, my opening statement and the words “downright poetic,” and “I’d never kick a pigeon at your face.”

Now, on to the Top 10!

10. “Throw into home…”

This is in reference to the baseball game that proved I could still go. Although I was hitless, again, at a game at St. Clair I played a near-flawless game in right, culminating with one of the best throws I’ve ever made. Though the catcher dropped the ball, I was complimented on the throw by six or seven teammates, a few of which (The Pitcher and Firstbasemen) who told me the catcher “cost me an assist” and that the throw was “perfect.” At the plate I was four of five on base, and was robbed of a double. In a baseball season where little went my way, this was a game which convinced me I could still go, and made me part of the team.

9. St. Patrick’s Day

The one time we’ve all gotten together, brewed it like it was going out of style, and all rode home in a cab, Kup, Pizz, Z, Megan Starr, Ang, and I roamed the ‘Burgh that day, drank our faces off, froze our asses off, and even met up with Erin and Rob for some evening-debauchery. One of the frattiest nights of the year, it ended with Kris incessantly mocking the Arab cab driver with “get the hell out of my cab” and bodyslamming me through my bed, subsequently bending the frame. Good times.

8. Dave Williams brushes back Barry Bonds, mindf*cks him, and sits him down.

As Kup and I were ridiculed by fans for booing Bonds, I watched in amazement as pseudo-rookie Dave Williams had the (insert sarcasm here) AUDACITY to brush Barry back! As I gave the kid a standing ovation, he went on to sit down the ‘roided freak with three pitches, making him flail about like a t-baller on a sugar-rush. It was amazing. Not to mention the fact that Rob Mackowiak won the game with a line drive double off the wall and a Jack Wilson Matrix-Slide into home. But we’ll get to the Mack of All Trades later.

7. “Have you heard of a comic called ‘Identity Crisis?’”

Asked to me by Jeanie while we sat and watched the Stillers opener, this singular question led to my comic book renaissance, and debut of Ms. Oliver as my comic book soulmate/partner in crime. I don’t know how she heard of it. I don’t know why she was interested in it. But I thank her for getting me back into the fold, and for the X-Men subscription.

6. Ron’s Bachelor Party.

What happens at the bachelor party stays at the bachelor party. But trust me, if I could remember more, it’d probably be number 2.

5. My Birthday Party

What was the best part? I don’t know…Blackberry Pobbler? Re-convening the party in my room? GREAT gifts? Adina and Gooder BOTH come to my house for a party? Tons of great food? Beruit? Essential friend turnout at a high? Countless out-of-town well-wishing calls? A truly great day. Thanks to all that made it fantastic.

4. I met Rob Mackowiak.

Would be higher, but I’m pretty sure it ruined his career. These things happen.

3. Adina’s Wedding

If you were to tell me the Knor’s would throw a wedding, and it would go off without a hitch, I’d tell you that you’re crazy. If you’d tell me that on top of that, I’d catch the garter, my brother would own the dance floor, and I would score a date with the my Adina’s Wedding Dreamgirl after a night of pleasantries and dancing, I’d tell tell you it was the 3d best moment/night of the year. Which it was.

2. Impromptu Oakland Invasion

As October ended and November began, I spent Wednesday after Wednesday assaulting Oakland’s drinking scene and singing terrible Karaoke. On one particular early-November Wednesday, Me, Kup, Pizz, Carolyn, Adrienne, Rachel, Marcia, and of course, Vashon, did it up right. The group started with Kup, Pizz, and I, and steadily grew as we traveled from Hemingway’s to Peter’s to Bootlegger’s, where it all felt like 2001 again, and I had the best night of the year that didn’t involve SportsCenter highlights. This entire evening feels like a dream, and was only a slightly less surreal experience than…

1. The Mackowiak Doubleheader

Yes, that's what Pirates fans actually call it. It was the best night to be a Bucco fan since 1997. I still can’t believe I was there. May 28, 2004. I’ll never forget it. It all started while waiting for Adina and crew to arrive at the stadium, drinking beers with Aunt Paulette and explaining to her why Rob Mackowiak should be her favorite Pirate. As we finally entered, he was the first batter I saw, and promptly struck out to end the inning. Other storylines included my acquiring of TWO Jim Edmonds baseball cards in one pack. He was my favourite ballplayer until that night. As the Bucs gave up a PH grandslam, it seemed as through victory would not be ours. I kept telling everyone, “just get to Mackowiak” only half believing he could do anything to help us. Then, as he stepped to the plate with the bases loaded, he launched a two out walkoff grandslam to win! I threw my hat (fitting losing the Edmonds cards), was mobbed by family members, and had total strangers shouting to me “THAT’S YOUR BOY! THAT’S YOUR BOY!!!”

Five minutes later, I had seven phonecalls from friends making sure I hadn’t missed it.

Two and a half hours later, it all happened again when he TIED game 2 in the bottom of the 9^th with ANOTHER home run.

He would go on to have the game winning RBI in 4 of the 8 Pirates wins I saw last year. He is my favourite player. It was the greatest night I have, or probably ever will have at the ballpark. And by far the greatest moment of 2004.

Good luck beating THAT 2005!

-apk