A Public Service Announcement About Geriatric Genitalia, and 24 Seconds about 24 (4:00p.m -- 5:00p.m)

First off, I want to talk about something important.

Old. Man. Balls.  I joined a swanky gym recently, and the lockeroom is straight out the Big Leagues.  I've learned one thing from this experience so far:  Old men like to walk around naked.  I don't get it. I really don't.  I see guys hanging around (pun-intended) the couch areas just having whole conversations with entirely dressed men.  Naked. Fat. With their old man balls hanging around.  Dongs blazing. It's really quite distressing. I don't understand why old men are so cool with wandering around a lockerroom butt-ass naked.  Is it just me? Or do the rest of you agree that excessive lockerroom nudity is just unnecessary?

More importantly, is this what it's like in the women's lockerroom? If so-- i's gots to gets in there.

Now, 24 Things I think I thought I was thinking about while pondering how easy the Six questions Vince Young actually got right must have been (would there be anything funnier than a Vince Young Celebrity Jeopardy! skit about now?  (credit to Uram))

1)  Our Big Bad has a name: it is "Vladimir Bierko."  I will herewithin refer to him as "Bankers' Club" Bierko, because we all know it's better than Vladimir. 

2)  "Mrs. Logan's riding with the Subarov's." Everybody shout what Novick was thinking: "YOU FRAKKED UP! YOU FRAKKED UP! YOU FRAKKED UP!"

3)  Two retired frat guys agree:  We'd tag the Russian First Lady over the American.  It's far more Bond. In fact, I'd politely ask Mrs. Subarov to call me "James," just to complete the accent-effect.

4)  Carrie the Techie = HOT.  This season keeps getting better (and we get the lucious Kim Bauer back next week!)

5)  Mike. It's really simple. Lock the President in a room. It worked before...These things have a way of working themselves out...really.  With that: YOUR Season 2 Sidebar (i just finished it):  Season 2 is hands down my favorite, and now i've seen everything but Season 3.  I don't know if there's been a cooler move in a fight, ever, than the "Jack runs up the wall and turns it into a neckbreaking tornado-DDT".  I genuinelly jumped out of my seat, screamed HOLY SHIT, and then re-watched it in super-slo-mo about a half-dozen times.

6)  Carrie the Techie = Fired. We hardly knew ya.  You were so hot.

7)  Woah.  The legs on that secretary...24 = All Hotties, Guns, and Helicopters, all the time. Sweet.

8)  DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT:  ROBOCOP!!!! IT'S FRAKKIN' ROBOCOP!!!! HE TASERED JACK!!!! ROBOCOP!!!! Who wins in a Jack v. Robocop battle? Jerry's take: "Only Robocop could take Jack out." 

9)  I just realized that Robocop and Jack are in the same state where the Terminator/Commando/Guy from Predator is the Governor.  Why would terrorists EVER screw with Cal-ee-forn--ee-a?

10)  Robocop just gave Jack his gun back.  Don't trust him, Jack. If he wants to kill you, he's got another gun hidden in his thigh.

11)  SCREW YOU, LINN MCGILL! NO ONE RAISES THEIR VOICE AT MY AUDREY LIKE THAT-- YOU HEAR ME!!! NOBODY.

12)  Virtual Penn State update:  Lost 31-21.  I shanked a Figgie and generally couldn't stop Jay Cutler. THough some "little jiggaboo",as Jerry liked to call him, racked up about 247 yards on 4 catches for the Nits. I feel like I'm gonna beat him next week. Bank on it.

13)  The following are better IM handles for My Girlfriend Audrey than "A.Raines":
        luvjack24
        gr8legz
        DODhottie
        DaddyzLilGRRRRL

14)  Call the office C.T.Coup.  "I will draw my weapon."  Go CURTIS! Rock the 112!

15)   There was NO WAY the  CTU agents were going to draw against him.  They're RED SHIRTS, ie: Star Trek Style walking targets. There's NO WAY they look into the eyes of death like that, and NOT blink.

16)  If someone knows the difference between "Aeon Flux" and "Ultraviolet", please let me know.  Also, that's a pretty cool little new V-Dub.  Pity I still don't trust anyone who drives a VW.

17)  Umm...where'd Jack and Robocop go?  My money says as soon as they left the building, all terrorists, everywhere, just gave up.

18)  TC McQUEEN (Bill Buchanan) is BACK, BABY!! It's ON.

19)  Jerry and I are tyring to figure out where we've seen Banker's Club before. I know he's "the  Warlock" from those ass-tastic crapfest movies...anyone else?

20)  "Aaron's like Rambo."  Jerry says moments after threatening to never watch again if they kill off the Greatest Secret Service Agent of All Time.  We were both certain he was dead.  I haven't felt this badly about doubting something since I questioned whether Sheetz could make a good cheeseburger.

21)  Don't you DARE put George Mason and Nina Meyers in the same sentence, Robocop!

22)  Oops. forgot to bitch about this earlier-- Wait. This is the SAME MIKE NOVICK that usurpt DAVID PALMER, and now he's PRAYING with President Sissypuss?  Are you kidding me?  I don't know who to hate more! Time to use the 25th Amendment, again, Mike.

23)  One little dumb bomb's not going to be enough to take out Jack Bauer...! C'mon, Robocop, you should know better than that.

24)  Carrie the Techie = Reinstated. You are so Hot. Welcome back to the nonstop Hotties season of 24.

Final thoughts?  Good good stuff. Things are really starting to heat up.  My general feeling is that Bankers' Club sucks as a villain. But it's early.  This has been a steady season, that's probably the best word. There's been one clunker episode, and everything else has been the same general flow.  I'm enjoying it, but i've not been blown away. Let's get INTENSE next week with TWO HOURS!! Kim returns! Tony's awake! And he's going to be a full-on soul-patched Phantom of the Opera Agent of Mass Destruction once he takes off those bandages and remembers that Lil' Miss Doe-eyes is D-E-D.

-apk

"Not Just Fast Food: Better Food, Fast"

Okay, so THIS didn't happen at Sheetz, but its famous tagline still works.  Seriously read this article.  This morning, they weren't aware of the true nature of the "severed penis", and the morning shows were having a field day. Needless to say, I laughed my ass off all the way to work.


Also, did any of you hear about the autistic HS-student basketball team manager who got to play in a blowout yesterday and subsequently scored 20 points in 4 minutes, included 6 consecutive three-pointers? Most phenomenal sports story I've ever heard, I think.  The video is amazing, as the entire student body rushes the court at the end. I anyone out there knows where to find the Link, please post it up.

Just phenomenal. This is like if Lukas would've come in for a knocked out Charlie Sheen and put up 337 yds passing with 4 touches and 0 picks.  And if you don't know what Lukas is, we can still be friends, I just have less respect for you.

enjoy your weekend
-apk

Car 54 Where Are You?

Mrs. Friday, if you're out there, please email me. I want to set up a reunion, and i don't have your new email address.

Thanks.
-apk

24 Seconds about 24 (3:00p -- 4:00p)

24 Things I Think I Thought I Was Thinking About 24 While I Was Coughing Up My Lungs and Considering Assassinating Myself:

1) The single best sentence I hear every week is, "Due to some graphic violence, viewer discretion is advised."
2)  DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT!!! at the two minute mark-- Erlick is DEAD! Uncerimoniously stabbed in the gut by the BIG BAD EVIL RUSSIAN (BBER)! I knew that douchebag couldn't be the Big Bad this season!
3)  So Tech Room Guy's name is Nathanson? I remember that now...He's on the run? This, I didn't know so much...
4)  I Hate Linn McGill. Nearly as much as I hate the President. Really a dead heat at this point. All I know is that if I'm running CTU, I send a squad over to my crack-whore sister's house and get my stuff back. What's the use in having power if you don't abuse it?
5)  Best 12 minutes since the high-body count beginning of the season. Things are really picking up. Maybe all of the setup was worth it? 
6) If I'm Jack, and Linn starts dickin' me around telling me to come back to CTU, I'd just walk. I'd kick it back to the oil field and start baggin' Nikki from Spin City.
7)  Does anyone know if it's possible to make my phone at work go DOOP-DOOP, DOO-DOOOOOO every time it rings? Why isn't that a ringtone yet? I'd trade "The MacGyver Theme Song" in within seconds...
8)  Why is this episode so good? Simple, really. Lots of bad guys. Lots of bullets. and we've gone 20+ minutes with nary a First Lady in sight.
9)  2 Responses to the Terrorist phone demand:
      1.  Wahh! I'm the President! I'm don't wanna talk to the terrorists! I'm on my period!
      2.   Give me the phone! Who is this? IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS. I'm the PRESIDENT. Frak off.

One of those was the response given by President Logan. The other is what President Palmer would say if he were still with us.  I'll let you figure out which is which.
10)  Wait. Why even ANSWER Cummings's phone? What good can come of that, other than talking to terrorists and having to them listen to make ridiculous claims like, "I invented the Question mark"? Seriously. Does anybody in this administration think?
11)  Ahh. Thank you, Mike, for actually having/using your brain.  We were moments away from Novick pushing POTUS down the stairs, there. Give it time.
12)  Jack's late to the phone. Nathanson gave him 10 minutes at 3:11. It's now 3:30.  Also, shouldn't Keifer, of ALL PEOPLE know the dangers of answering a ringing phone booth?
13)  Nathanson is one NIMBLE fatss! ...shit. Correction: Nathanson WAS one nimble fatass.  Here's to you, Nimble menacing techroom earpiece guy with a cool accent. You will be missed.
14)  Like I said before:  24 is the New A-Team.  Helicopter Every Episode. (and that's not a bad thing)
15)  Audrey looks SO good with glasses.  By-the-way, is she winning any of you over this week with her covert helping of Jack?
16)  Poor Curtis. Everytime he goes somewhere with Jack, he gets shot or punked.
17)  Please. Someone. Help me stop Jimmy Fallon.  I can't do it alone.
18)  Yay! Marty! stand up and tell yo' man how it is! I guess every 5 hours, the First Lady gets to be useful. Good contract clause, there.
19)  NO! NOT BILL! YOU CAN'T SEND TYRUS CASSIUS McQUEEN TO HOLDING!!! THIS WILL NOT BE TOLERATED, LINN. DO YOU HEAR ME!!??!! I'M GOING TO GO GET YOUR CRACKHEAD SISTER AND BRING HER TO CTU TO TELL EVERYONE ABOUT HOW BIG OF A SISSY YOU ARE!! YOU GOT THAT, SAMWISE? IM TALKIN' TO YOU-- YOU DO NOT SCREW WITH BILL BUCHANAN!
20) ...CALL HIS BLUFF, AUDREY! Go straight to Daddy and say, "Daddy, pull some strings and get Linn out of here. He's going to get Jack, and the rest of us, all killed."
21)  Bank on this: V for Vendetta will be awesome.  'Though Nat might hate it when he blows up Parliment.
22)  Okay, BBER started out great, with his soulless stabbing of Earwig.  Then he bitched out POTUS in about 6 seconds, flat, using only a cell phone.  He needs to go big-- he needs do something INTENSE as the hour end...oh? He drew a big red "X" on the map? To show his guys where he's going to be DANGEROUS...? awesome.  Dammit.
23) Jack to Chloe: Did you say O-MY-cron? I miss Taylor.
24)  Damn. Marty, well played.  She was effective twice in the same hour. Good for her.

Verdict: Good shit, this week! THAT'S an episode of 24. And don't think I don't know its no coincidence that as soon as I start bitching, both 24 and Galactica went yard this week.  Nice to know someone out there aims to please me.  Now let's get EVIL BBeR. (I'm refusing to capitalize the 'E' until he does something more evil than make a BIG RED X of DOOM).

be good to each other
-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER: "I Told You Once You Sunuvabitch I'm the Best There's Ever Been!"

I'm headed to bed early, because I need to hit the office with enough time to review for my depositions tomorrow (a billing dream! TWO DEPOS! WOOT!) so you'll have to settle for quick hits about the weekend that was. 24 Seconds will be up sometime tomorrow.

1)  You've not lived till you've seen Sprout and I air fiddle to "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" at karaoke. We can't sing, but we'll entertain you. and in the word's of Sprout-- "please tip your waitress!" (diminutive bastard stole my line!)

2) If argyle's wrong, I don't want to be right.

3) Jager Bombs: Still Tremendous.

4) PGH is the smallest city on earth

5) If you go to the Funny Bone, be prepared to hear more dirty joketelling then you can shake The Fat Guy from The Longest Yard at.  Good times.

6)  I Heart Saddle Ridge.  31 y-o women that can bring the line-dancing ruckus are a Godsend.

7) Erica from the Green Room: If you're out there, know that I love you. Really.  Like Daniel Day Lewis in The Last of the Mohicans "I will find you!" (and not in a skeevy Albert Belle kind of way...)

8) Sprout's family is awesome. the nephews, Nick and Angelo, are like living balls of insanity. And i mean that with the utmost respect.

9) Ben Roethlisberger is a living breathing Two Legged Cock Block...with a Super Bowl Ring. 

10) No joke. Big Ben walked into Saddle Ridge Friday night, and practically caused every girl to simutaneously orgasam. Based solely on his Ben-ness (ie: Big, dopey-looking quarterbackedness with a passer rating of 22.6....and a Super Bowl Ring).  I understand ladies. Really, I do.

11)  Avoid the "sliders" at the Funny Bone at all costs. They're like White Castle, but worse, and have FAR too many onions.

12)  Season Two of 24 is absolutely tremendous. There's no getting around it. I'll keep harping on this, I promise you.

13) Bonus 13th matter: It feels like I'm getting one of my best friends back, and I like that a lot.

peace/love/pepsi.
-apk

24 Seconds about 24 (2:00p -- 3:00p)

Wayyyyy late, but still in time for tonight's episode, I present to you 24 Things I Think I'm Pretty Sure I Thought While Mourning George Mason: Perhaps My Favorite 24 Character

1) Two Great Plans: The Marshal Plan (ie: "Fix Europe")
                              The Novick Plan (ie: "Drag Dead Walt Cummings's Name Through the Mud")
2)  I've not given enough love to Evelyn, the mousy-hottie that assists the First Lady.  Consider Love Given.
3)  My money says Evelyn's the New Nina Myers. I don't trust her.
4)  Kill terrorists and frak Audrey! That's what Jack Bauer Does.
5)  Actual conversation between President Dorkass and Mike Novick:
     "We want results, Mike!" ...
      "Of course sir, CTU's obviously half-assing it, sir."
6)  Jack: "THEY HAVE CANNISTERS"  Linn: "We need a visual" ????WTF? DIDN'T JACK JUST SAY HE SAW THEM?
7)  God bless Rappers for making Jet Black/Blacked Out SUVs such an everday sight that the Feds can go wherever they want, whenever, and not look suspicious. 
8)  While he was putting on the maintenance uniform in the back of the van, all I wanted was Jack to garrut someone with a coathanger. Is that too much to ask?
9)  Jerry's commentary:   "This is ridiculous.  This is so ridiculous.  This ...is...ridiculous." Vanderbilt Law, bitches.
10)  You gotta love The Obligatory Little Kid in the Mall With a Balloon. Just so we were sure that killing innocent people is bad.
11)  AUDREY believes in Jack. Not Linn. Not even Bill.  Happy Valentine's Day, Audrey. I Heart You.
12) I also Heart Kate Warner, and even her slutty-nutbar sister, Marie.  Season Two was a good year...it's perhaps my favorite yet, on all counts (and I'm only up to the death of George Mason..so don't ruin it!)
13)  Someday, somehow, Logan will act like a man.  ...maybe.
14)  ECHO. Bravo. Charlie.
15)  Diamond Cutter Moment:  Jack's Knocked Out. WHAT? Jack should've murdered these guys like 14 different ways to Sunday already!
16)  If there's one thing I've ever learned about a mall, it's this: EVERYTHING is by the Food Court.
17)  I didn't think it was possible:  Jack sounds cooler with a gas mask on. He's like the love child of Darth Vader and Captain America.
18)  Think about it, this episode is one big Nick Cage movie.  We just had a little of The Rock, and then there was some Gone in 60 Seconds...how long until Jack's on a flight to Las Vegas with a bunch of convicts?
19)  Erlick is STILL not scary.  The Biggest Villain this season is Linn the Douche.
20)  I hate President Logan. Just in case you had lost sight of that.  He was just freaking about three DEAD PEOPLE at the AIRPORT, now he's like, "Thank God only 20 died at the mall!"
21)  Marty Logan is as big a sissy as her husband. This storyline is officially tiresome. I hope she pulls a Mya.
22)  Erlick-- not scary. But smart. I'll give him that.
23)  Suicide is the new black.
24)  Okay...umm...darkroom-headset

-lots of computer screens-guy? Hello??? Hello?

Final thoughts:  This was a solid episode that was generally pretty good. It made up for last weeks lackluster performance. I won't lie, though, I'm currently watching Season Two, and it's blowing this stuff away.  Cougar or no cougar...

-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Kinda Like Nashville...With a Tan"

Two Quick Hits for today:

1) I forgot my notes again for "24 Things", you're going to have to wait until tomorrow, now. Sorry.
2) I'm headed to Scranton tonight in order to have my first argument. That's right, "APK's arguing....he's making an argument."  My opponent's got home field advantage, but I think I've got the law. It's just a tiny little motion, but to me, it'll be a pretty big learning experience, so I'm excited.  Keep 'em crossed for me. 

Song of the Day is the dreadfully terrible "Rockaby."  Only because somehow, someway, I've heard this song on the radio on two consecutive days. If anyone can explain to me how something like that happens, I'd love to know.  What a terrible song. Apparently if you can sing one bar, and speak the rest of a song while a) having long hair; and b) being a guitar guy, you can have a big hit and get a nice little payday out of it.  Have I mentioned how much I hate both the music industry, and guitar guys in general?  Okay..well, now I have.

Enjoy hump-day.  I'm just excited I get to make a stopover in Carlizzle tonight for an Earl of Stafford and a Watergap Wheat. 

Be good to each other,
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Kinda Like Nashville...With a Tan"

Two Quick Hits for today:

1) I forgot my notes again for "24 Things", you're going to have to wait until tomorrow, now. Sorry.
2) I'm headed to Scranton tonight in order to have my first argument. That's right, "APK's arguing....he's making an argument."  My opponent's got home field advantage, but I think I've got the law. It's just a tiny little motion, but to me, it'll be a pretty big learning experience, so I'm excited.  Keep 'em crossed for me. 

Song of the Day is the dreadfully terrible "Rockaby."  Only because somehow, someway, I've heard this song on the radio on two consecutive days. If anyone can explain to me how something like that happens, I'd love to know.  What a terrible song. Apparently if you can sing one bar, and speak the rest of a song while a) having long hair; and b) being a guitar guy, you can have a big hit and get a nice little payday out of it.  Have I mentioned how much I hate both the music industry, and guitar guys in general?  Okay..well, now I have.

Enjoy hump-day.  I'm just excited I get to make a stopover in Carlizzle tonight for an Earl of Stafford and a Watergap Wheat. 

Be good to each other,
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "It Never Leaves..."

Mills, one of my Little Brothers, runs this exceedingly lame "contest" on his IM profile where you have to name the sports movie quote.  Though it's dorky as the day is long, I'll admit that my competitive side takes over every time I read a new quote, so in its own way, I guess it's a fun little game.  I'm currently in second place.  Anyway, last night he quoted from the DeNiro/Snipes suckfest known as The Fan.  I can't say that I even remotely like this movie (even in a "guilty pleasure" kind of way), but I will admit that there are two lines that I find notoriously memorable, "I just stopped caring..." and "Hey, Bobby! Now do you care?"  My point, and how this deals with Valentine's Day?  Bear with me for another second or two...

Valentine's Day is, traditionally, one of those holidays that just happens for me.  Crammed between my parents' anniversary (35 years strong, yesterday) and Z's birthday (26 years young, tomorrow), I always realize its coming, but rarely have anything to celebrate.  In fact, I have only ever had what could very loosely be described as a "Valentine" on one solitary occasion. Hence, it's not one of my favorite holidays.  (and let us not forget that it's an incredibly fake/manufactured holiday. why someone should need a special day to tell the person he loves that he loves him/her is beyond me, but, as usual, I digress). 

Oddly enough though, this year, I never even saw it coming.  It just sort of jumped up on me, as though I were searching for an In-and-Out Burger in Sacremento (yes, that was a fraternity inside joke). I'd like to say it was because the Stillers have just taken up so much of my attention that the last six weeks feel like they've flown by, but I know that's not the truth. 

I think I've "just stopped caring."

Like Bobby Rayburn (Snipes in The Fan) before me, I've just stopped caring about relationships and love and all that jazz. To mix my sports movie similies, I'm like Ivan Drago, I fight " for me...FOR ME!"  I'm thoroughly enjoying the single life these days.  Though, like all people, I have my lonely moments, I'm more than busy enough to keep from thinking about it.  Work takes up about a trillion hours a week, and then there's always something going on afterwards.  (For instance, I live for Monday nights with Jerry and Nat, now).  I must confess, though, that what I do miss is full, all-out companionship.  Someone to watch 24 DVDs, go to the movies, talk comics/baseball, or just call up at a random hour and say, "wanna have a beer?"  Partly because we're all so busy, but mostly because I moved too far outside the city, lack single friends, or lost my best friends, I'm just missing those "Go-to-People" that I thrive off of.  And I guess that's kind of what I'll regret most about this Valentine's Day.  Since this is the first time it hasn't bothered me to be single on V-Day, it'd be nice to have a krew to roll along and enjoy the day with.  Perhaps next year.

All of that being said, I must honestly confess two more things: 1) I have no interest in trying for a girl right now. She's pretty much going to have to come to me, and make it the easiest sell for a relationship ever. And even then, I'll probably be too disinterested to put in much effort. Unless, of course, she's extraordinary.  2) Well, I'd love to try to say it cryptically, so I could at least convince myself I wasn't being "that guy," or even generally pathetic, but, really, who cares? I miss her. Terribly.  Think about her every day.

I'm still fighting the good fight, to be certain.  I'm still trying to keep my ducks in a row and keep heading in the right direction-- forward. But I find myself looking over my shoulder, so-to-speak, a little bit more every day.  Maybe by finally saying something about it, I'll stop. Who knows?

The important thing is that now that Valentine's Day has arrived, I must fulfill the promise I made myself to invest in an XBox 360.  It'll have to wait, though.  I've got to get a new TV first, otherwise it's a waste; I've got three GameCube games to beat first; and I've got insurance and club bills to pay.  Perhaps its time to find a Sugar Mama.

Anyway, that's about all I've got for you on Valentine's Day 2006.  If you want something introspective or lovey-dovey, work your way over and Link to last year's post.  I had a muse back then, and things were good.  If you came looking for 24 Things I Think I Thought About Last Night's barnburner of 24, you'll have to come back later.  My notes are back in the apartment.  Song of the Day is "Waiting Game" by Yellowcard, which sounds and feels like the unofficial sequel to "Only One."  Which today, seems to make sense. 

For those of you lucky enough to have Valentine's Day plans, much love to you all.  For the rest of you, no big deal.  Cook yourself a nice dinner, drink some wine, and watch your favorite movie.  Me? I'm probably going to pack for Scranton and watch 24 Season 2. 

And maybe I'll start caring again sometime soon.

Happy Valentine's Day
-apk

two days until Pitchers & Catchers

LINK OF THE DAY: "Ben Franklin, Eat Your Heart Out!"

Forget beer, THIS is proof that "God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Scarlett and Keira, two of my favorites.  'Tween this and the Stillers, everything's comin' up Adam this week. Time to play the Powerball.

-apk

24 Things About 24 (1:00pm -- 2:00pm)

24 Things I Thought I Thought About 24 While Realizing that the Stillers have Five Times As Many Wins as the Penguins in January, That Hines Looks Fantastic in Gold Mouse Ears, and That There's a Parade Starting Outside My Window in 12 Hours...

1) Umm, Mr. President? NOW, you're a hard ass? When you don't like Walt's usage of the word "initiative?"  I hate you.
2) Walt Cummings, Tom Brady, and Bill Belichick:  All Evil "Patriots". Ba-dum-bump! Thank you, I'll be hear all week, please tip your waitress and try the veal!
3) Yellow Tie Guy is Now "Ivan Erwick?"  So he's a Russian sterotype that works at CompUSA.  Seriously, we've gone from "Marwan" to "Erwick?" The only thing scary about that name is that it reminds me of earwigs, which give me the heebie-geebies.
4) I hate Skip Bayless.
5) So Ivan just knocked out the Henchman That Wanted to Go to Russia.  He should've SHOT HIM, and then made his little speech...would've been much harder.
6) Welcome to this season's Random Albatross Relative -- Jenny The Crack Whore!  Tough break, Rudy Gamgee.
7) Someday I'll explain to all of you why I'm in love with Audrey.  In the meantime, I heart Audrey Raines.
8) My thoughts on "Firewall":  I hate saying this , but I think Harrison's washed up, and I think that Indiana Jones IV will be an unmitigated disaster of epic proportions.  I hope I'm wrong.  Have you noticed that every Harrison movie since "Air Force One" involves the Harrison Two-Armed Panther Dive? He looks like Superfly Snooka every time he takes out a bad guy.  I swear that shot was cribbed straight from "Clear & Present Danger," the stare-determinedly and speak softly shot was straight from the same movie, and the "intensely speaking on the phone" moment is from AFO.  He has reached self-parody (I liked the Dr. Seuss XL intro.). In an unrelated topic: Paul Bettany should be the Joker.
9) Ivan from Customer Service, the guy with the Yellow Tie, just earned a few points with his "my wife is in jail speech.." at least they're taking time to create some evildoer backstory..but i think it's backfiring-- ill get to that in a minute.
10)  By my count, Curtis has actually gone into battle as Jack's backup twice.  Both times he has taken a bullet.  Didn't he take one from Marwarn last year?  It's okay, he's still Blackjack to me.
11)  This week's DIAMOND CUTTER MOMENT:  "I want Anessa."  Shhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitttttttt. That's dirty writing.
12) Okay, we're actually going to kill three minutes watching The Psycho First Lady and the Pantywaist President hash out an apology speech?  So we can see them re-build their marriage? When no one likes/cares about Pres. Logan in the first place?
13) If Edgar Stiles were a number, it'd be 2,413.  Think about it.
14) Tonight's saving grace! A Torture Scene!
15) The OnDemand commerical with the poorly animated goldfish that talk with annoying voices and make lame fish puns is the Pure Opposite of Comcastic.
16) THAT was the Torture Scene? "Curtis, step on his foot!"  Is this Karma's way of evening out the awesomeness that was last night? With a special Borefest Episode of 24?
17)  Can someone please explain why the guards for Evil Commie Programmer Guy were EVIL and packing heat... I think I'm a little lost here..
18) No, seriously, Linn? Capitulate to the prisoner? You realize you have JACK BAUER on your side, right? I hope someone beats you up.
19) Thank you, Jenny the Crack Whore's Pimp, for beating up Linn. He had it coming.
20) Jenny the Crack Whore looks like a bleached blonde Franke Potente on the Hillary Duff crash-course diet.  Let us consider her the Anti-Audrey.
21) This space has been retired because Roberto Clemente did so much for Internet Bloggers. (Also, this episode was so boring, I'm starting to run out of thoughts).
22)  Where the HELL has Viciously Diabolical Dark Hands-Free Set-Wearing Tech Room Mastermind gone?  Is he out of play now that Ivan from Customer Service has gone dark?
23)  After Walt wussed out and Jack closed the door on the 15-y-o, I was pretty sure that suicide was about to  become the new black, but then she managed to turn the tables, pull a gun, and cap that scuzzball Rossler! Thus, homicide is still in.
24)  Can't say I was surprised when Ivan shot the gearhead that cut all the cannisters for him, and though I originally felt it made him a better villain, now I'm no so sure.  I mean, he has to kill him to cover his tracks. But if he lets him live, than he's an actual villain that kept his word, and he shows that he's a man of actual conviction, and therefore, a complex, compelling character. This is where this season's problem lies. We're blowing all this time with lethargic character building storylines (the First Lady, Ivan's little speeches, the Chole/Edgar/Spenser triangle) and we're not getting enough High-Octane Action.  This stems from choosing Russian rebels as your bad guys. I don't think anyone in America knows what Russian rebels are rebelling against.  Muslim extremists are easy, "they hate us cuz they ain't us." But with these Russians, the writers had to put together this ridiculous double-swerve, where they've decided to go against the US for...well, no reason, which necessitated all this mega-ridiculous backstory that's holding everything down.  Why not just do a season of Jack running from the Chinese? Who would that hurt?

Anyway, the final verdict this week is "Yawn."  From 24 I want a little mustache twirling, and a lot of action/suspense.  What we've got right now is "marital problems in the Oval Office" meets "Russian Terrorist Road Trip." Ivan's flying by the seat of his pants, and there's no indication he had a backup plan.  Not like Marwan did.  Jack's left chasing 20 cannisters of REALLY TERRIBLE BIOAGENTS that'll be deployed somewhere in America because Ivan's pissed. It's just not that compelling, because the threat's insufficiently tangible.  2 good minutes as the end is not enough to make up for 58 minutes of mind-numbbing uninteresting character building.  I expect to all covalesce soon (hopefully, real soon) but in the meantime...that was a letdown show.  Even the torture scene was weak.

At least someone finally let Mike Novick out of the barn they locked him in.

Until next week, "Trust me. You do not want to go down this road with me."
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "I've Paid My Dues"

Link of the Day
Other Link of the Day
Next Link of the Day
Great Link of the Day
Phenomenal Link of the Day
Fantastic Link of the Day
Stupendous Link of the Day
The HINES WARD of Links of the Day


With work yet to do today, the Championship Retrospect Weekend Hangover to End All Hangovers will have to wait until later. In the meantime, some fast facts about the weekend:

• Spent Friday evening at the "Pittsburgh Stiller Time" party with a local morning show. Mrs. Sprout won tickets to the ShadyBowl, Eminem's party in Detroit-Rock-City.  The Sprouts then traveled to Detroit Saturday, went to the party, slept in a McDonald's Parking Lot, and then returned in time for my XL Party.  Phenomenal Fans.
• D-OX in effect! Durty, Gerald, Kupchelitis, Cap'n Taylor and I ran around together all weekend, and it was incredible.
• Durty, Gerald, Taylor and Gerald's friend Dan all took in the Pens game on Saturday. Though they lost in a shootout, it was a nice little primer for the weekend.
• After a Friday night of dancing and tomfoolery, I was Undrinkable Saturday. Probably for the best, considering there was much more partying to do once Kup & the Mrs. arrived on Saturday.
• This was the best weekend I've ever had in Pittsburgh, and not just because PITTS-BURGH WON THE SU-PER-BOWL!
  
• The IT Guy at work hooked me up after I made an off-hand joke about borrowing the Firm's TV projector for Sunday. The result? 85 SQUARE FEET of Super Bowl action with 20 fantastic friends, great food, five cases, and 2 Bottles of "Shaky-Shaky."  Best. Super Bowl Party. Ever.
• The Parade starts by my office tomorrow. Who's coming to meet me?
  

That's all for now.  I've got to dig deep for the real column.  In the meantime, check out THIS old post as a primer, and sing along to the Song of the Last 26 Years: "We Are the Champions" by Queen.

from 12.3.04:

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Here's my idea for Pittsburgh's new slogan, "By God we take it back." Some people (mostly those from New England) are trying to call Boston the new City of Champions. Just because they won the Super Bowl and the World Series in the same year. And the last city to do that was the 'Burgh, which is roughly around when it became the City of Champions.

Here's the thing, though, at that time, Pitt was a football powerhaus, and had a recent National Championship, the Stillers won FOUR Super Bowls in six years (and never missed the playoffs in that stretch, unlike SOME teams I know) and the Buccos had won their second World Series of the decade, amid a number of NL East titles.

That's a pretty impressive resume, compared to Boston's: 1) 2 Super Bowls; 2) 1 World Series. Yay Boston! Can we even add that the Patsies a) DON'T PLAY IN BOSTON; b) DON'T EVEN CALL THEMSELVES 'BOSTON.' Plus, winning one WS in 86 years does not a championship city make. And let's not even talk about Boston college sports, and the fact that the 346 colleges within the city limits, have accomplished jack and/or shit in any major sport.

But hey, we live in the biggest sports-hype time ever, so Hooray! Boston! I guess the torch has been passed. But let's get back to Robin Hood. As the disgruntled woodsmen were ready to turn on him, and give up the good fight, one old guy shouted, "But what about our kin? The sheriff's taken all they have too!" To which Robin aptly replied, "Then by God we take it back." And it's just. that. simple. I want everyone in this burned out 'burgh to seize the day! To root harder than they've ever rooted! To go to as many games, buy as many tickets, influx the teams with as much cash as possible, so that we can reclaim the title! Pitt basketball is becoming a national power. The football team's probably headed to a BCS bowl (I can't even fathom this. It's BS, that's for certain..but still). The Stillers—I refuse to talk about. If the NHL were playing, this was going to be Mario's final hurrah, and the team was going to at least make the playoffs. The Pirates are hopeless, though. This is why it's incumbent for ALL of us to help. And by ALL of us I mean "Dan Rooney." The Stillers' owner needs to step up, infuse the Bucs with cash, bring us Randy Johnson, Carl Pavano, and Carlos Beltran, and bring the trophy back to the golden triangle! We must stand, Pittsburghers, with one voice, and say, "WE WILL NOT GO QUITELY INTO THE NIGHT! WE WILL NOT VANISH, WITHOUT A FIGHT… WE'RE GOING TO LIVE ON. WE'RE GOING TO SURVIVE!"

And by God, we'll take it back.

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Welcome to the Kingdom, the HINES WARD of Blogs.
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "She Calls Out the Farther That I Fly"

Hi friends, and welcome back to the Dose.  You know, I wish I wasn't scared of the power of Google, because I'd love to talk about how the first 45 minutes of work went today.  It's not anything incredibly exciting, especially if you don't personally know the characters at play in this little High School drama, but let's just say Super Bowl tickets can cause an interesting amount of office turmoil. 

And when you're in the midst of the tumult, and "just following orders," things can get strange quickly.

Anyway, not important, as that storm has already passed, but at least now I've got half a DOSE finished, eh?  Anything to get typing daily again.  Today's Link of the Day is more Stillers awesomeness.  This is a story about how My Boy Hines is the "Anti-T.O."  Have I ever mentioned that I built the Hines Ward Bandwagon (TM)?

Moving along, Song of the Day is Yellowcard's (sorry--- new album'll getcha a lot of YC songs) "Rough Landing, Holly"  Which features catchy lyrics and hard and fast guitars with that tracable violin I know and love so much.  Just a good, fun song, with lyrics that work for me right now, on a record that's quickly growing on me. 

Which reminds me? Remember how I told yinz about the piano/violin instrumental intro to the album? Well, when I finally got around to listening to track 14, I realized that the last 1:30 is a rock version of the same introductory melody that fades out into orchestral beauty. Truly fantastically cool "bookends" to the disc.

Anyway, That's my time.  And sense no one comes by anymore, there's really no reason to write much more, either. 

be good to each other.
-apk

17 Days Until Pitchers & Catchers Report