QUICK AND DIRTY: "Don't tease me about my hobbies, I don't tease you about being an asshole."

Friends, Romans, Anchovie lovers, lend me your ears,

I'm too damn tired from a long, lonnnng day to finish writing 'bout Saturday today, and there were no good poll ideas to use, hence, no big post today. I'm still working my way through this transition back to school, so just bare with me a few more days, and we'll have all the kinks worked out, and be back to our regularly awesome schedule.

Anyhow, before I head to bed, I wanted to totally DENY that I blew a 13-2 lead on Sprout in racquetball today by yielding 13 consecutive points. Can anyone say "choke." I felt like a Red Sock.

I'd also like to give a shout out to my Squirrel Hill Bitches, Jeanie and Justine, for a night of pizza/movie swellness. Let me say that I give "Garden State" the highest of recommendations. Not only did I fall in love with Natalie Portman all over again, but I also wish I could write something that simultaneously clever, insightful, and cute. It's on my DVD buy-list with Star Wars, Spidey 2, Eternal Sunshine, and Troy. Guess I'd better start working more hours at BS&H.

Okay, kiddies, that'll do for now. I'm headed to a cozy world of sweet dreams and such, content and energized by the good feelings that come with getting a heavy weight off of my shoulders.

Uram, if you're out there, GO POSTAL already! Other friends, if you're new, please post-up and say hello. Come up with a catchy handle for yourself, or I'll make you one. I'm willing to bump the poll back to later in the week, if anyone out there has any good ideas! Banner, are you out there? Are you rowing?

g'night, I'm goin Where the Wild Things Are.
-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER III: OR IS IT TUESDAY NOW?

Well, I was going to update right before bed, but the ol’ Blogsta wasn’t working. I was even going to say really cheesy things like, “I’m even better at night,” but alas, like New Coke, and my foray into the Atkins Diet, it just wasn’t meant to be.

Moving right along, I’ve got just a litttttttle bit more to talk about the weekend, and then we can move into Pollosity later this afternoon. By the looks of the Sitemeter, bite-sized morsels are extra-tasty to you, my viewing public, because we’ve had more than 20 hits today. Hooray! Readers! If you’re lucky (which, let’s be honest, you won’t be) I’ll post-up and FINALLY discuss “The Village.” Instead, though, I’m pretty much headed to the movies AGAIN tonight, this time to check out “Garden State.” MMmmmmmmm, Natalie Portman….

Before we go any farther, though, I’d like to thank Colleen, newest denizen of The Kingdom, for her kind words. I just now got your message, and if you know any openings in broadcasting, I’m listening. Nevertheless, I’m just glad I could entertain you. Which brings me to one final bit of housecleaning: WHO THE HELL works for “Bolt Beranek and Newman Inc?” You visit an AWFUL lot, and I just want to give you the appropriate love.

Now, to the MAIN EVENT!

Saturday evening, after returning from one hell of a fun Pirates/Cardinals game (after which I MET ROB MACKOWIAK!!!!!!! ) Jack, Kurt, Kup and I settled back at 707 for a lil’ bit o’ sleepy time. Let’s talk about the game though. For those of you that know Jack, you know that he looks like he’s about 12. Case in point: Friday night, at one of the shadier bars in Shadyside, Jack was asked for TWO FORMS OF IDENTIFICATION. Basically, short of a birth certificate, he wasn’t getting into the bar. Another case in point: talking on the phone to Jeanie Saturday night, and discussing how she was randomly seated with her Lexis crew in the same row as me, a mere two sections to my portside, she asked if I was at the game with my nephew. My nephew, of course, referring to Jack, “that little kid” I was with. Anywho, on the way to the game, we jokingly told Jack that since he had brought his camera, he should tell hot girls that it’s his “Make a Wish Trip” and that they should take their picture with him. A great plan, no? Sure, it’s kind of skeevy, and a little bit wrong, but it’s all in good fun? Right? WRONG. We reached the ballpark, found our awesomely awesome, yet cheap, seats only to learn that it was CANCER SURVIVOR’S DAY at the Ballpark, complete with a recently Khemo’d 12 year old boy singing the National Anthem with something akin to the voice of an angel.

When the Good Lord wants to send you a message, he doesn’t f*ck around, and in this case he was saying, “HEY @$$HOLES! DON’T JOKE ABOUT CANCER!” So we didn’t.

The Bucs went on to lose, but we saw FOUR homeruns, Jim Edmonds (my second favourite ballplayer hit one, and threw out a player at the plate), and new (but lousy) Pirate Ty Wigginton bowled over his SECOND catcher in ten days. This was a Steel Curtain kind of hit, at that. Good times.

After meeting Rob, then taking a siesta, the four of us were eventually joined by Andy and Megan Starr as we all became enthralled with one of the most intriguing television experiences ever: ESPN2’s Behind the Scenes production of the USC/VT football game. Basically, in about four split screens at a time, you got to see everything that went into making a high-class, high-gloss College Football Production. You don’t even have to be a sports fan to get caught up in this stuff, it’s AMAZING what it takes to put something of that magnitude together. And they even taught us how they put the Yellow First Down Line of Awesomeness onto the screen. Made me want to quit my day job, and, as Colleen suggested, take up broadcasting.

Well, lookee there, I AM better at night (I’m writing this post-Letterman)! I even found a way to wrap this portion of the story up in a lil’ bow, using the same thing I introduced it all with! Don’t let anyone tell yinz that a liberal arts edjumacation is worthless, n’at.

(and yes, Jeanie, I’ve put off talking about The Matrix, just to screw with you. Welcome to the Jungle.)

THE FINAL CHAPTER later today! In the meantime, I NEED poll ideas. I NEED THEM SO BADLY!

Peace out, y’all,
-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER PART II: COMBING THE STREETS WITH WILL HUNTING

Friday night began innocently enough. Kurty and Jack arrived, as advertised, sometime around 9ish. After a few impromptu games of beruit and a little catching up on old times, the ‘Tus was loose with myself at the helm, and Jack, Kurt, Kup, and Drew all in tow.

We headed on out to Doc’s in Shadyside, for no other reason than we were invited by Natalia, who had just moved into town! Nat is Jerry’s girlfriend, a fine English lass from the home of the Little League World Series, Williamsport, PA, she’s a pseudo-Pi Phi and an great friend. When she had called me earlier in the night, she was overjoyed that Kurt was on his way, for he is Jerry’s former roommate and the two of them (Nat and Kurt, that is) share an overwhelmingly odd brother-sister bond/ sexual tension unseen outside of Appalachia.

“Lucky” for us, her interminably annoying friend was in town, and we got to experience all of her loudmouthed antics. Terribly mind wrecking, but a small price to pay for some quality Natalie time. After converging on Doc’s with Nat and her crew, the ladies decided they wanted to go dancing, so it was off to Tequilia Willie's (aka: My Least Favourite Bar in the Universe). As we stood by, bored out of existance, Drew and I lamented the fact that we might just be getting a little too old for such an overwhelming Ho-Fest as that bar, which is about as scary as a thought as you can have at age 24. Now, I’m up for a good clubbing experience as the next guy, but T-Will’s just doesn’t quite do it for me. I’ll compare it with the extremely more pleasant Matrix when we get to Saturday night.

After dropping 8 bucks to get in the door (Which, when you think about it, is a ridiculous amount for two reasons: a) it was already after 1am, and they charged us full price b) NO club in Pittsburgh should ask that much of its patrons, and then not even have drink specials, i mean- it's PITTSBURGH. But I digress.) And by the by—first person from a bigger metropolitan area (cough:Boston:cough) that tells me to stop whining about an $8 cover has their post deleted, I fully realize that you have it way worse, and that I’m being a baby. Just a friendly warning if you decide to post, and don't want anything important deleted along with it :)

My snipey-ness at the friend and lamentations about the way I hate T-Will’s notwithstanding, it was still a fun time, because, hell, anytime you’re with Jack and Kurt (which sounds like a mixed drink) you’re in for a good time. Just shooting the shit about the old days, and watching Kurt mack on one of Nat’s friends was worth the price of admission (figuratively). After staggering around the Strip district sometime around 3AM, and getting exponentially more annoyed by the Evil Friend (who by this time was intoxicated), we made a bee-line for the ‘Tus and headed home for bed. We had a big Saturday ahead of us.

On a final note, I’ve known my roommate for a long time, and I can think of few times he was more openly pissed at someone than when the Evil Friend told him he was a pretty-boy on par with Matt Damon, who would never defend her in a fight. She also mentioned that she knows 100 guys who could kick his ass. What brought this about? Well, Kup had the audacity to tell her that staggering around the Strip at 3am was probably not the smartest thing for four young ladies to do alone. That bastard.

These stories aren’t really that short, are they?
Oh well, tough shit.

See you all again soon, as we hit up SATURDAY AFTERNOON!
-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER PART I: THERE IS NO SUITABLE SUBTITLE FOR THIS POST

Welcome back to your favourite place in cyberspace that's not $19.99/month, The Blog.

I’ve been informed that I’m starting to get a little long winded around here, and thus, I should try cutting up these postings into bite-sized morsels. Ever open to suggestion, I’ll give it a shot— if high quantity/short length serialized pieces of expression are what you, my ever-lovin’ readers require, then so be it! Let it not be said that I’m not a man of the people!

Shifting gears out of alliterative Stan Lee mode (a byproduct of my continued reading of “Tales to Astonish,” the Jack Kirby/ Stan Lee book Jeanie gave my for my birthday), let’s talk about the weekend!

What a weekend it was! There’s plenty to talk about, because it was action-packed and ridiculously fun. But first, the biggest news of it all:

I MET ROB MACKOWIAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve still barely processed this momentous occasion. Sure, it was just an innocuous encounter that left me stuttering like a maddened fool and trembling with a schoolgirl’s excitement following my handshake, but it instantly became my top Celebrity Encounter Moment of all time. This folks, is comparable to meeting Andy Van Slyke as a wee tike, or a theoretical encounter with Kerry Collins, Harrison Ford, Huey Lewis, Triple H, Eliza Dushku, or Andy Kubert (and if THAT’S not the most eclectic list of celebrity heroes ever assembled, I dunno what is).

Basically, he was having dinner with his family at the PNC Park Outback after Saturday’s game, when Kup realized he was there. After consulting with the wait staff, and finding out he was not yet eating, I (clad in my homemade Rob Mackowiak t-shirt) creeped over to his table, asked if he was, in fact Rob Mackowiak, wished him luck, and told him he’s been my favourite player for a couple of years. He was almost as embarrassed and as nervous as I, and since I didn’t want to bother him or his family more than was absolutely necessary (Fun Fact: his wife is HOT), I limited my conversation to those simple faulty ramblings. I would have LOVED to tell him that he KILLS the ball when I’m at PNC, or that his nickname should be “Mack of All Trades,” but alas, that will have to wait until we become drinking buddies. I DID go out on top, however, when his mom/mother-in-law/whomever asked me where I got my shirt, and I admitted I had made it myself, and offered to send them all one with a wink and a smile. Always leave them laughing.

Alrighty, being that’s the biggest news of the weekend that was, I leave you for now. Stay tuned for further stories of our hijinks, including: meeting with Natalia, Jack defeating Cancer, and the righteousness of the Grease Megamix.

-apk

WEEKEND PREGAME: JFH, THE DURTASTIC, and TONY EUSEBIO

Goooooooooooood morning Vietnammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

…I promise never to use that one again. Okay, well, I didn’t post yesterday, but I’m sure it didn’t bother anyone, because there’ve only been about 3 hits over the last two days. Is this the thanks I get? I have ONE off week, and everybody starts bailing on me? It’s cool. I understand. Don’t fret, Chet, with any luck, we’ll be back to a semi-regular schedule once again starting next week. The problem yesterday was that as soon as I got home from school, Kup and I turned around and headed right back out the door. First it was wings, brews, and the STEAGLES with Team: Dempster, then it was Bar Review time down at Bar Louie. Kudos to Kupchelitis for allowing me to drag him to a Law School function.

OH! I've almost forgotten. I'd like to welcome Megan Powers to the Kingdom. She posted as "Megan" last week. However, since we've already got a Megan in these parts (aka: Megan Starr), Powers, you must now post only as "The Other White Megan." It could be worse- I could call you "Pork."

Okay, moving right along, let’s do a little Weekend Pregame before we get to my promised review of “The Village.”

This weekend should be legendary. Tonight, amongst leftover brewtuses from Drew’s party last week, we shall partake in much libation as we await the arrival of JACK F’n HOOTON and DURTY KURTY LUCIN. Iccavino chickened out, for a woman, no less, and will not be attending. But he’s a loser anyhow.

Now, for those of you who don’t know Jack and Kurt, let me tell you that there are few others as close to my heart as these two stalwart bastions of human decency. Jack is probably the most loyal and good-natured chap I know, and Kurt is a just a zany bag of Canadian insanity. Jack-o, who you may remember from OCTOPUSSY (last year’s Halloween party) as “the Bee” is the Lance Storm to my Justin Credible, and as the “Impact Playerz” I hope to finally actually win a Beruit game on my own table. As for Kurty, my “twinstar” from the old D-OX days, if you want to know about him, surf around the site to my first installment of “Bows & Toes” from the beginning of this month. He’s a True Champion. The Tony Eusebio of good times.

What IS a “Tony Eusebio,” you ask? Well, here’s the story. Think back to 1999. We were partying as though it was, in fact, 1999 back in those days, that I affectionately call “Freshman Year.” It was Dickinson College, late spring. Life was good, even if my grades weren’t. I had successfully survived mono, and was deeply entrenched in all things First Claire. Except, that is, for when I would hang out on Kup and Dom’s floor, Morgan B-3. Dom, being the RA, had a single room approximately the size of a shoebox, or even a coffin. However, he had a Playstation, which back then in the 20th Century, meant he was really cool. Kup and Dom and I would rotate amongst each other playing a number of sports games, like NCAA Football and Madden. One of our favourites, though, was whatever baseball game it was that he had. It might have been World Series baseball, it might have been Triple Play, I really can’t remember. What I can remember is this: The Pirates Sucked Balls.

Because they were so awful, and because Dom is a Yankees fan, it was an instant loss if you picked the Pirates as your team. We tried to win with the Buccos, oh, we tried, but there’s only so much damage you can do with a pixilated Kevin Polkovich at shortstop. The only answer was to find another team to use. My weapon of choice? My then 2d favourite team, the Houston Astros. (This was before Edmonds was traded to the Cardinals, back when he was still an Angel, and I could never find Angels games to watch. So I had to roll with Jeff Bagwell and the Killer B’s. And they’re old hat was really cool, too. But I digress (as usual. And Yes, I know that I just used a parenthesis inside a parenthesis. What is this? English Class? Just keep reading, and stop asking so many damn questions!)). Where was I? Oh- gotcha. Astros.

Okay, so I’d play with the Houston Astros, but when games against the Yankees necessitated the use of a Designated Hitter, I learned that their bench was woefully short on talent. With the exception of one man. Backup Catcher Tony Eusebio. A lifetime, I dunno, .240 hitter, it was uncanny that Eusebio was even good, let alone LIGHTS OUT FANTASTIC. Some people say that Tecmo Bowl Bo Jackson is the greatest video game athlete of all time. Others insist that Michael Vick eclipsed him on last year’s Madden 2004. These people never played with Tony Eusebio: True Champion.

Dom would be throwing a perfect game, and all of a sudden, Eusebio would step to the plate, and hit a double off the wall. The only secret was, you HAD to bat him sixth. If you moved him up in the order, he’d go 0-17. Otherwise, batting sixth, Eusebio was unstoppable. As he’d hit his fourth stand-up double of the day, I would simply mutter, “he’s a True Champion.” And a catchphrase was born. Thus, anyone who keeps it real, who’s super-clutch, who you always know you can expect great things from, is a True Champion. They’re “Tony Eusebio.”

This will be a Tony Eusebio Weekend.

Well…. THAT digression took a while, didn’t it? Guess that means you don’t QUITE get that Village review yet. Tell you what. If anyone out there’s SEEN it, post up and let me know how you felt about. (Try to keep spoilers to a minimum, though, or at least mark of spoilers with SPOILER ALERTs) I only really want to discuss the movie if a lot of yinz have seen it, because it can’t really be discussed without talking about the fact that the movie had more curveballs than a Rob Mackowiak At Bat.

I’ll be back, perhaps later today, perhaps sometime this weekend. Jack, Kurt, Kup and I are headed to the Ballpark tomorrow for the NATIONALLY TELEVISED battle between the Buccos and the Cards, before we hit the town in the nuts and go on Safari with Drew and Pizz. If anybody out there wants to shoot some ‘ruit tonight and GET ‘ER DONE (and by ‘anybody’ I mean ‘hot girls’), just give me a call, and we’ll all get stupid together.

Peace out, my peeps.
-apk

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO GO INTO 'OPEN WATER'

Hidey-ho Junior Rangers!

Welcome back to the Blog! Well, the first day of Law School: Version 3.0 is in the books. Only like, 200 more to go! yay! It was great to see everyone again, and even more great to watch MacGyver and pass out on the couch, as though we'd never left. Sometimes you just know your place in the universe.

So far, the influx of new 1Ls seems realitively disappointing, in terms of hotties, but only time will really tell. It was encouraging, however, to notice a very high Hottie Quotient in most of my classes. Major developments include the first appearance of the Queen Bee, Gavin's Girl no longer wearing a Big Fat Diamond, & Hot Girl With the Locker By Ron Girl becoming Hot Girl Who Sits Next to Us in Litigation Strategies Girl. Stay tuned for further Law School Hottie Updates.

Last night, Kupchelitis and I headed on down to Destinta Theatres in North Versailles (pronounced: Ver-SALES, because it's Picksburgh, dammit!) to check out a $5 flick. Okay, that's a lie. We headed to the theatre in order to see TWO flicks, because 'Plexing there is so easy, they should just sell you a Ride-All-Day pass there, like Kennywood, so we don't have to bother sneaking around.

First up was "Open Water." I'll admit, Kup didn't want to see it, and I did, if only because both the press and the trailer for it were so good. I remember first seeing the trailer when Jeanie and I went to see "Farenheit 9/11," and we were both so terrified by it, that we couldn't wait to see the movie. Would I recommend it? Yes. But only on two conditions:

1) you have absolutely no will to live, and you're looking for an excuse to end it all, OR
2) your dog just died, and you're looking for something to make you even more depressed.

Otherwise, STAY FAR AWAY. Kup and I agreed the movie was a 5/10, but in the worst possible sense. See, the movie was shot really well. And it was incredibly engrossing and well done. But it has absolutely no redeeming value whatsoever besides that. You never really care whether the couple, stranded in the middle of the ocean, lives or not, because they're not even entirely likable. They have a VERY realistic realtionship with each other, in that, well... it seems like most of the time, they don't even like each other. I can't barely understand why they're even together. Normally, this wouldn't be a big deal, because the tragic events of being in a near-death experience could make them overcome that, find out they really love each other, yadda yadda yadda. However, this doesn't happen here.

For those of you that actually still WANT to see this movie, stop reading now....

...last chance, cuz i'm going to spoil the whole damn thing...

....

..ready?

okay: sharks win.

Yup- you betcha. Guy gets bitten, bleeds to death overnight, and then the girl, faced with being eaten as well, and realizing she'll never be saved, simply dives underwater, and never resurfaces, apparently committing suicide. HOORAY SUPER-DEPRESSING MOVIE!

I'm alright with a movie that doesn't go for the ending one'd expect, and instead totally bucks trends and formula. But DAMN. This movie does it so blatantly, that it almost makes you feel like the entire, oh.. 20 minutes of setup, is entirely worthless. In fact, about the only lesson I gleamed from the entire damn thing was, "Have sex at every opportunity, because dammit, you might get stranded in the ocean the next day, only to be eaten by sharks." (see, cuz the girl shoots the guy down in bed ON THEIR VACATION the night before, because she's 'too tired.')

Granted, there were some generally chilling moments, but they were all too short, and too scattershot. The best part of the movie is the two of them bobbing up and down in the ocean in the dark, where you can only see anything for quick moments that lightning brightens the screen. That was some scary stuff, because it left it to your imagination to fill in the gaps. A great scene, that was WAY too short. The whole thing was put together like that, where every five minutes, the movie just skipped another four hours, making it feel particularly disjointed. It became extremely difficult to get a feel for how long they had been out there, because I was too busy being annoyed by the "ethnic chanting music" they decided to use with shots of the clouds to dissolve between scenes.

Again, I love the idea, and I love the way they shot the thing, but I just never go to LIKE the characters. Kelly asked me today if "it was like Cast Away, if Tom Hanks would have died." Unfortunately, it's not even CLOSE to that. Cast Away works so well for me (and it's one of my favourite movies) because it's about the triumph of the human spirit over seemingly insurmountable odds. Sure, it's far fetched, and there are plot holes and stuff, but it's all about how love and determination can conquer anything. Call me a sentimentalist, but I love shit like that. In "The Village" (the SECOND movie we saw last night), which I'll talk about tomorrow, when the guy says "the world kneels in awe of love" or something like that, it brings the whole shebang together. That just never happened in "Open Water."

Instead, you get a couple that's not very happy with each other, bobbing up and down in the water, first freaking out, then getting pissed, then bitching at each other. The only redeeming moment is when the girl, in order to break one of those long "we're pissed and silent" spells, simply tells the guy that she loves him. However, it seems pithy and weak, and though I suspect it's the true climax of the story, because he is bitten moments later (SLEDGEHAMMER OF IRONY ALERT!), it falls flatly, because there's absolutely NOTHING that occurs during any other part of the movie that makes you believe her.

And then, to top it off, after he dies, she gives up. GIVES UP! IN A SURVIVAL MOVIE? Guess not. Not a very thought provoking movie, although I DO see where they were trying to go with it. I just wish they would've pulled it off. But alas, if I want to be depressed, I'll watch the news.

Okay, that's it for today, tomorrow's a whole new hottie update, plus a review of "The Village."

Want a preview? I'll put it this way, if you've not seen it, go now, so I can talk about how much I liked it, and I can talk about all the spoilers.

in the meantime, let the rain in Spain fall mainly on the plain,

AND STAY AWAY FROM 'OPEN WATER!'
-apk

TUESDAY HANGOVER: THE RETURN

Guess who's back? Back again? Knipper's back, tell a friend. Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back? Guess who's back?

..that would be me.

Sorry I've been M.I.A. the last couple of days, I was finishing up some projects at work last Friday, and then had a positively boredom-laced, but overwhelmingly necessarily relaxing weekend. Blogging wasn't really a priority.

Anywho, my tried and true patrons of cyberspace, I'm here again to, well.. pretty much not talk about anything important. Apparently, Marc's life remains totally unfulfilled with out his Blog dosage, so I'm doing this for HIM today.

We've got a BIG week on tap, as school starts anew tomorrow. Yes, it's my third, and final, year of law school. Hopefully it will take the longest and be the most fun, as well, because life in the Real World, I'm told, blows.

What WAS a priority was watching Radiers of the Lost Ark and Batman at the REAL OLD SCHOOL NICE THEATRE DOWNTOWN on Saturday, for six bucks. But, I didn't go. Why? Three words: Boo. Shannon. Dempster. Not a big deal, in actuality, but she needs to be publicly chastized, nonetheless.

Yesterday, however, I DID get to see Raiders, as Kup and I ventured to Jeanie's World for some Indiana Jones, Gin&Juice, Cham-pag-na, and pizza. After we reveled in archaelogical adventures, I defeated the two of them with my plethora of worthless information in a game of "Wit's End," before Jeanie and I picked up Justine and headed on over to the Law School party in Shadyside. Running around that fun little neck of the woods, we partook in much libation, and had a grand time. Final drinking time: 12 hours, 6 minutes, 39 seconds. A perfectly fratty way to end a swell summer.

We've got BIG plans for this weekend, as no less than JACK F'n HOOTON and "Durty" Kurty Lucin will be in the house, with possible special guest star Nate "He's still got my freakin' OX hat" Iccavino. And no, I don't care if I spelled that wrong. He is inconsequential. So we'll probably hit a couple of ball games, and maybe a champagne room or seven, it should be good times, and great oldies. But there'll be more about that on this Friday's Weekend Pregame.

Alrighty, my laundration calls, not to mention I need a haircut, etc., before I meet all the hottie 1L's tomorrow (although, by Jeanie's count, there are 0 hotties. dammit.)

so don't change, stay the same, my friends,
I'll be back tomorrow.

...maybe.
-apk

I AM THE LAW! 2: Hold The Mayo

Okay, here’s the DEFNITIVE LIST OF FAST FOOD, but FIRST! I present to you, those that were ineligible, but warrant special mentioning.

-Anything from Sheetz (ranking its food is impossible): Some special items include the Carb-Buster Shmagel, any Burgerz, Garlic Fryz, Ceasar Saladz, Roasted Chicken MTO, and the new sweet Cream Cheese filled Pretzelz. Sheetz is the greatest place God hath Wrought.

-The Pizza Hut Lunch Buffet: $3.99? ‘nuff said!

-Eat n’ Park Smiley Faced Cookie: I only eat blue icing ones, but they’re all fantastic. Next time you come visit in the ‘Burgh, I’ll buy you one.

-Panera Bread New England Clam Chowder in Bread Bowl: Sourdough bread bowls are GOOD. New England Clam Chowder is GOOD, put them together—mmm, mmm, GOOD!

-Primanti Brothers’ Capicola n’ Cheese: My favourite sandwich at a Pittsburgh landmark. Excellence.

-Rita’s Italian Ice Gelati: Perhaps the Best Dessert Ever, I prefer Watermellon, Black Cherry, Blueberry, or Root Beer.

Honorable Mention:
-Wendy’s Chicken Nuggets- The best in the business, were just edged out of the Top 10.

-In & Out Burger, Checker Burger- Fantastic burgers at both of these regional joints, but I’ve only them once.

-Chipotle- Everyone who has eaten it loves it. Except me. I was honestly not that impressed, based on price. Same goes for Baja Fresh.

-Bacon, Egg, & Cheese on a Bagel- Deli Creations, Carlisle, PA- For a time, it was the best drunk food ever. However, it has been surpassed by others on the list, and most anything made by Sheetz. Keeping it off the list is indicative of how good everything that made the Top 10 actually is.

-‘The Original’ Hotdog Stand’s (Oakland, Pittsburgh, PA) French Fries with Cheese: Not only do they give you a boatload of fries for a about 3 bucks, but they’re fantastic. The place itself is kind of scary though, especially when the cops are staked out there at 3am, so that sort of takes away from the eating experience (or adds to it). They’re legendary in the area, and it takes a small army to put down an entire X-Large serving.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE MAIN EVENT!

10) Taco Bell’s Chicken Quesadilla: I’m going to make an admission early on this list. The Taco Bell a block from my house is the single greatest fast food establishment I’ve ever been in. It’s open until 3am, the workers are friendly and hilarious, the place is always immaculate, and the food is perfection. This place takes Taco Bell to a whole ‘nother level. It’s Chicken Quesadilla is a fantastic blend of cheese, spice, and goodness.

9) Wendy’s Chicken Cordon Bleu: I remember having this ONCE. And it has stuck with me ever since. The Chicken Cordon Bleu was a specialty item a number of years ago, that apparently is brought back every now and then. I’d rank it higher, but I’ve only had it once. Just a fantastic sandwhich.

8) New York Deli’s (Carlisle, PA) Chicken Cheesesteak: This was originally the best drunk food in Carlisle, until Deli-C burned the place to the ground. Probably the best cheesesteak I’ve ever had, it was only hurt by the fact that NY Deli wasn’t quite open as late as Deli-C, and it wasn’t across the street from the Sketch House, but DAMN was it tasty.

7) KFC’s Popcorn Chicken: Better than any chicken nuggets, anywhere, hands down. These bite-sized morsels of the Colonel’s special blend of eleven herbs and spices never fail to hit the spot. Sadly, the KenTacoHut across from the Law School doesn’t sell them anymore. Have they been discontinued? If so, they will be missed.

6) Subway’s anything: It all depends on what kind of sandwich you like, but the fact of the matter is that Subway keeps it real. You always know what you’re going to get from them, no frontin’. My personal favourite? Seafood Sub on Parmesan/Oregano bread with Provolone, Lettuce, Black Olives, salt, pepper, oregano, parmesan, and bay seasoning. FAN-tastic.

5) Arby’s Big Montana: Or is that MAN-tana? If you’ve never had a Big MT, you MUST NOW… I’ll wait… …. … okay, good wasn’t it? What’s that, you can’t talk? Too tired from scarfing down a HALF POUND of roast beef on a sesame seed bun? No kidding. Eating a Big Montana is a test of strength, one in which this little Knipper excels at. God, I love the Big Montana…

4) McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese (aka: Royale with Cheese): Ahh, the fast food sandwhich that made the man I am today. And by that, I mean “fat.” I don’t even eat these anymore, which is why it’s down at Number 4. Also, Wendy’s Jr. Bacon got too much support over on the boards, so I have to acquiesce to my peeps. Anyway(s), I’ll remind you all that I eat my burgers plain, which is why I’ve never had a Big Mac. Just give me meat and cheese, which is why the 2X ¼ is my all time favourite burger.

3) Wendy’s Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger: For the price and the taste, they can’t be beat. I’ll admit it, I’m not a huge Wendy’s fan, but I’ll always fondly remember post-baseball game stops at Wendy’s in college, where you could stretch your per diem to the limit on Jr. Bacons and Frosties. Not even the Wendy’s Douche is terrible enough to ruin the Jr. Bacon’s place in my heart. Well played, Dave Thomas, well played.

2) McDonald’s Bacon, Egg, & Cheese McGriddle: Sweet lord, if they made these 24/7, it would hands-down win this competiton. It was about a whole year before I actually tried one, and they’re so much better than they have any right to be, that I can’t even put it into words. How do they make it taste like syrup? What made Mickey-D’s decide to step up and give you FANTASTIC PIECES OF REAL BACON for the first time, ever? We may never know. And even if I have to thank the Williams sisters, Serena and Venus, who I can’t stand, for delivering this goodness to us, I will. They’re that good. I actually emailed McDonalds last month, asking them to please start serving these all day, every day, because drunk college kids everywhere will thank them.

And the NUMBER ONE FAST FOOD ITEM OF ALL TIME IS…

1) Taco Bell’s Club Chalupa

It existed for just single month: February 2004. They were able to sell them until they were gone in mid March. In that six weeks, I probably ate two-dozen Club Chalupas, maybe more. A Chalupa with bacon? A sauce on something I actually liked? I can’t explain how good this was. Admittedly, it may have just been that my Taco Bell is an amazing place, but I’d like to believe the Club Chalupa could transcend environmental factors. I’d like to think I’d be willing to dodge bullets at the ‘O’ in order to eat one. This was a special taco. So special, I CALLED Taco Bell’s international hotline, and asked them to bring it back. So special, every time I go to Taco Bell, I secretly hope above all hope that it’ll be back, and this time, for good.

God Bless the Club Chalupa, and God Blesses, Everyone.

Wow. I’m hungry.
That’ll do it for now, although I may write a Bows and Toes for later today, or tomorrow, keep coming back!

Thanks for reading,

-apk

ALL GOD'S CREATURES AGREE: ANHEUSER SUCKS!

First off, check this out (Thanks to Marc for the link)

Bear drinks 36 cans of favorite beer

Now, I've heard of Frat-Doggs, but a Frat-Bear? That's Frat-tastic! I think the best part is that the only thing that would lure him out of the tree was... wait for it... more beer!

But, as Marc said, "What a lightweight! only 36!"

Now, I've got a few questions about Frattington Bear, here.

1) Marc has informed me that Rainier is not a microbrew, and that it's comparable to Natty. Which makes this guy bid-worthy, in my book! (PULL!)
2) Did he hook up with any particularly ugly bears (ie: Wainwright's Disease) when drunk? (I think this is why he ran up the tree, it's the Bear verison of the walk of shame)
3) Did he have Beer muscles? And would they just be called Bear-muscles? (Ba-dump-bump!)
4) ..okay, I'm done.

Okee Dokee, now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

................. .............. ........ ..... .... ... .. .

Howdy folks,

Uram’s still at G-Man training, so “Going Postal” will probably remain on hiatus a little bit longer.

As for me, I don't have a whole hell of a lot to talk about, because things have thankfully slowed down a bit the last couple days.

There is something that’s bothering the HELL out of me. Where did Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon go? They’ve both been off of PTI for like, three weeks now, and I’m starting to worry they were both unceremoniously dumped by ESPN, Max Kellerman style. Fortunately, both of their bios remain on the ESPN page, so it looks like they’re safe for now. If anyone knows what’s up (vacation? The Olympics?) please let me know, because if I have to put up with the two douchebags on the show right now (ESPECIALLY that Skip guy… I SWEAR he’s made out of oak. The funniest part of my day is watching him try to lead into SportsCenter at the end of the show. Check it out.) any longer, I'm Going Postal!

Speaking of the Olympics, is anyone out there watching them? I’ve caught bits and pieces here and there, but admittedly have not seen much. My biggest problem is the time difference, and the fact that it’s 100% impossible to avoid results. If you spend 6 seconds around ESPN.com or on cable, you’re screwed. It’s really pissing me off. I go to the website to look for a Bill Simmons update, and BAM! “Phelps wins two golds!” and I’m like, “well, I don’t have to watch now.”

Which leads me to this: I think ESPN is doing it on purpose to screw with NBC. Who owns ESPN? Disney. What does Disney own? ABC. Who competes with NBC EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. And gets beat down by the Olympics? …ABC. I hate this country, sometimes.

I did hear that the Opening Ceremonies were particularly fantabulous, though. Jeanie recommended that if someone has them taped, I should track them down and watch, being I’m a big Greek Geek. So if anyone out there’s got it, lemme know!

Finally, I fully realize that I promised y’all my DEFINITIVE LIST of the Top 10 Fast Foods of All-Time. In order to quell the tide of rebellion I can sense growing over the absence of this list, I’ll be developing it at work today, and will either post it today or tomorrow, so stay tuned! This list is based almost entirely on the opinions expressed by my own expert palette. However, there was so much support for Wendy’s on the posting boards, that I’ll have to add it, in honor of your support.

Alright, kiddies, I’m off for a while, feel free to say hello (either here or via IM). We’ve been post-free around here for a while. Yinz realize it’s not easy coming up with something to write everyday, right?

Oh! Almost forgot—the Red Stripe commercials I was talking about keep getting better. If you happen to see the one where he tells the guy “YOU ARE VERY UGLY!” tell me he doesn’t look JUST like Jerry when he says it!

Okay, catch you later
-apk

..NOTHING WITTY TO SAY TODAY..

Unfortunately, the link was not working earlier. Please try this one.

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/04230/362920.stm

Everyone please take a minute to check out this link.

Some of you Dickinsonians may have known Neil, he was class of '02. He lived in Morgan B-3 freshman year (Kup's floor.) Taylor, Kup and I all knew him pretty well (obviously, Taylor knew him the most). Taylor and I had Latin with him Freshman year, and he often let us copy his homework, because he was the one who was actually good at it.

Often, when something like this happens to someone, people come out of the woodwork and talk about how incredible he was, and how sweet and whatever. I'm not going to pretend that I knew Neil really, really well, because I only had a few classes with him, and barely hung out with him after Freshman year. However, I can honestly say that he was one of the all-around nicest, most responsible, just GREAT guys I've ever had the priviledge to know.

I talked yesterday about how I love my school, and it was guys like Neil that made it so. There's a collection of people I knew there that I don't keep in touch with, but sometimes miss the most. These are just acquaintences, not my fraternity brothers or baseball teammates, who in their own way were just as important. They were people that filled out all the gaps, and always had something nice to say when you saw them. They were the people that were always fun to be around, and always made you feel good. They were the people that helped make Dickinson a living, breathing place. They're the people that you miss without even realizing it.

Neil was one of those guys. Kup reminded me last night about how, Freshman year, he went to the gun show with him and Scottie, and I remembered him setting up the targets for the blowgun. I remembered him playing "Survival of the Fittest" with the goldfish, and I remembered him always going out of his way to invite me to a ROTC party. He gave me a ride back to school after Thanksgiving Freshman year, and we had a lot of fun on the trip. I'm starting to ramble, and I'm sorry, but it's really weird to become one of those "people who knows someone who died in a war," which, three years ago, I never thought I'd be. And it's hard knowing that such a fantastic kid was taken from his family, and he did it for me and for you.

So in your prayers or private thoughts or whatever today, please take a second and throw one out to Neil and his family (he left a wife behind), he deserves it.

Because as Kup said, "that kid was all heart."

Alma Mater, Tried and True, BULLSHIT DICKINSONIA.

Okay, I'm pissed. And you get to listen.

I NEED some undergrad transcripts (unofficial, even) for On-Campus Job Search at Pitt. My info packets for potential jobs have to be turned in by the end of this week. No problem right? I mean all I have to do is print some resumes, my photocopies of my Law School transcript, and then go to the Dson Webpage and get an unofficial undergrad transcript. Should be cake. I mean, the ONE thing Dickinson does right is make ALL your information available for download and printing at any time online. God bless them.

WRONG.

Because they're "updating the sysytem" for the incoming Red Zoners, the webpage is DOWN. Access is impossible until next week. Well, thanks a F*CK D-SON, because I NEED it THIS week.

Okay, no troubles, bubbles, I'll just email the registrar, and get the hook up. They can print it themselves and fax it. The damn things free, shouldnt' be a big deal.

NO.
They email me back, after I asked nicely and even used the word "desperate" twice, and what do they tell me? So long as I like, fax them a release with my signature, etc., they'll fax me a copy of my transcript...

FOR FIVE DOLLARS.

Now, I know that five bucks is like, nothing, but to send a fax? In order to hook up AN ALUMNUS who's SCREWED BECAUSE THEIR GODDAMN SYSTEM IS DOWN, I HAVE TO PAY A SCHOOL IVE ALREADY (theoretically) GIVEN $120,000+ ANOTHER FIVE DOLLARS!

...and they wonder why no one donates money to them. The next time (okay, the first time) I give them a donation, I'm earmarking ten dollars of it for "future Fax fees by the bullshit lazy-ass registrar's office."

I hate my school.
Correction- I love my school, I hate the beaucracy.

Which is why there's no red tape in the Kingdom.
my blog, forever and ALWAYS FREE!
thanks for letting me vent.
-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER: THIS ONE'S FOR EVERYBODY-- EVEN THOSE STILL EATING FUNNEL CAKES

Good morning friends, and welcome, it’s a beautiful day for baseball here in the City of Champions, I’m your host, Adam, and I’ll be bringing you today’s Monday Hangover.

Did y’all like my Lanny Frattare opener? Don’t laugh, you don’t know how difficult it is to come up with a different opening line every day. Knowing it’s going totally unappreciated makes it all the harder, too. Crazy. But true.

So it’s Monday, eh? It’s also my last week of summer work, as class begins anew next Wednesday. What does that mean for the Blog? I dunno, friends, I dunno. I promise to try and update daily once school starts, just to keep your daily dose of innocent (and free!) entertainment coming. I do it for you. Remember that.

Okay, well, it was a great weekend of getting away and vegging, which is EXACTLY what this little Knipper needed. It’s no secret I’ve been in a funk since my birthday, but now it actually feels like I’m out of it. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Friday night, after a full day of work, I met with Kup, Kris, Drew, and Bill down at Kris’s parents place on Deep Creek Lake, MD. Since it was sometime after 9 when I reached there, we loaded up into Kris’s cousin(?) Joe’s Durango (avec Hemi) and headed to the HONI HONI Bar. While there, we excelled in the practice of much libation, and hit on 19-year old girls. Yes. We’ve sunk that far. But hell, I got a phone number! Not that that really means anything, but it’s a fun story for the grandkids, and some solid B.P. She was cute, though.

After Bill drank himself into a coma, and Kris’s brother Matt nearly started a fight in the bathroom, “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!” we headed home, and cashed out for the night. Or at least, we tried, because if snoring was an Olympic event, Bill would be a 19 time Gold Medalist. He truly is an Army of One.

The next day was spent on the Lake, where we were all treated to Drew’s thong while the crew partook in jetskiing, tubing, and waterskiing. Much fun, and special thanks to K-Pizz for playing Skipper and jetting us around the water. I’ll save details for the sake of space, but let’s just say you’ve not lived till you’ve been part of a 450 lb. tube-duo, and taken some major spills on the lake.

Last night, I returned to the ‘Burgh in order to pimp myself out to my Aunt Paulette (aka: My Landlord). She had some Bryan Adams tickets and needed a date, and I, never being one to pass up free dinner/drinks, and being one who files Bryan Adams firmly under “Completely Acceptable Music That Never Hurt Anyone,” was more than game to comply. The show was actually really great, as all his biggest hits were played, (minus, unfortunately “When You Love Someone”) and a good time was had by all. Some cold brews and some Canadian 80s rock never hurt anyone, I assure you of that. I also cheaply picked up the opening act’s CD. They’re some rock band out of Dublin called “Mr. North,” and I’m enjoying the album as much as I enjoyed their set. If anyone out there in cyberspace has heard of them, feel free to chime in with opinions. (Unless your name rhymes with “Meanie” and you don’t like them.)

And FINALLY, the night ended with the Pittsburgh Stillers positively DRUBBING the Cincy Bungals at Heinz Field, something like 49-17. That takes the 2010 Steelers to 5-2 on the season, firmly in first place in the AFC North. Not that any of you care.

Well, that was that, a great weekend. On tap this week: Shan-na-na’s birthday tomorrow, and that’s about it. Nate from Yough has a party on Sat, I’ll probably head to before I check out RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and BATMAN (1989) at the Byham (ie: real theatre) d’ahn t’ahn with, hopefully, Shannon, and anyone else who’s interested in going.

Happy Monday, ladies and germs, I might be back later, I’m feeling frisky today.
-apk

I LOVE IT WHEN A PLAN COMES TOGETHER

The Onion U.S. Military Clears A-Team Of Charges

Sent to me by Kupchelitis-- one of the best Onion articles I've ever read.
I know that I said I wasn't going to post much today, but this is a special treat for Bromen, Taylor, Kujo, Kup, Kurt, and the rest of the OXen who used to watch religiously.

For those of you not in the know, for Halloween 2000:
Taylor was Hannibal
Kup was (and still is) Face
Bromberg was B.A.
Kurt was Murdock
I was Amy the Reporter Girl, and
Kujor was Col. Decker.

if i get around to it, maybe i'll scan and post a picture.

and for the record, Jerry or Sal would have to be Frankie.

-apk

OOP

I really screwed the proverbial pooch today, friends.

I don't feel like writing today, and am probably going to take a few days off, but i was going to post Kup's account of last Thursday's bachelor party in order to entertain you.

However, my Dickinson mail somehow ate his email, and I lost it. Kupper- if you've still got it, please re-send and I'll post it.

Like I said, the spirit to write a "I am the LAW!" or a "Bows & Toes!" today isn't really consuming me, so you'll probably not hear from me until at least Monday. We're headed to Deep Creek, MD with Kris this weekend, for some boating and such. Keep coming back to see if I've updated, cuz with me, you never know, but I probably won't.

email me, roommate.
-apk

I AM REBECCA DEMORNAY

What the HELL DOES THAT MEAN? You ask? Okay, well, in the 80s there was a baseball movie (and I use that term loosely, it was more like a chick flick with baseball in it) called The Sluggers Wife. In The Sluggers Wife, Michael O'Keefe, who you all know, I believe as "Danny" from Caddyshack (i could be wrong there...) is a ballplayer for the Braves who sucks. Until he meets super-hot Rebecca DeMornay, who plays the part of some dive-band lead singer chick. Long story short, when she's not at the games, he blows. When she's there, or he calls her on the bullpen phone before At Bats, he makes a run at Maris's HR record. Cheesey 80s garbage, yes. But also harmless baseball fun. I distinctly remember this being one of my sister's favourite movies as a kid. (That should be telling in an of itself, her favourite movies include Patch Adams, Airborne, and Grease, with only ONE of those being a legitimately decent movie.) But I digress.

Anywho, last night Kup convinced me to go to the Pirates game, which, sure enough, led to them having another incredibly memorable win. Between Kup and I, we've been present for EVERY BIG GAME they've had this year, and that's not even a lie. I'm not going to jinx it and outline it all, but maybe I'll explain more in depth at the end of the season.

Moving right along, last night Rob Mackowiak had yet ANOTHER Game-Winning RBI with me in attendance. I've seen the Pirates win eight games this year, and he's had the GWRBI in FOUR of them. Ridiculousness.

I actually ran through all his stats for all 12 games I've been to, and when extrapolated to a 162 game season, Rob Mackowiak would hit 40 HOME RUNS with 162 RBI! That's is insane! INSANE! I'm going to dilligently wait next to my phone today for Rob to call and ask me to come to every game for the rest of his career. If he knows what's good for him, he will.

Anyway, that's about it from me for this Wednesday-- It's Uram's day, although I don't know if he'll be sending anything along, as he's currently training for his new job, and is stranded in Grove City, PA. (Normally, I'd insert an anti-GC joke in here, to make fun of Jeanie and AliMac, but it's Jeanie's birthweek, so she gets a repreive.)

Speaking of which! Happy Birthday, early, Jeanette! Tonight will, hopefully, be crazy-go-nuts. I know I'll do my part.

Alrighty, kids, kick back and wait for Uram (or Kup, possibly Pinch-Hitting) and in the meantime, send more opinions on quality fast food/drunk food.

Later,
-apk

POLLOSITY: Would You Like Fries With That?

Hidey-ho junior rangers!

Because I’ve been so long-winded around here of late, we’re gonna keep it short today, and stick to the tried-and-true Tuesday format: short ramblings from the Nibbler, followed by YOUR very special poll.

First up, the call has gone up, and the bat-signal has been answered. KUP will be supplying a GUEST COLUMN this weekend, further detailing he and Banner’s exploits in Jerseydom. Should be some fantastic reading, so be sure to check back this Friday evening for the sordid details.

Last night, after enjoying an always pleasantly tasty Kup & Megan dinner, we kicked back and ON DEMANDED (which, by the way, is a GREAT feature brought to you proudly by Comcast) “Welcome to Mooseport.” I think we were all in the mood for a dinky little comedy, and let me tell you, this one more than stepped up to the plate. Ray Romano was incredibly likeable, and Gene Hackman’s Presidential character was a hoot. I thought he was going to be a dick from the looks of the previews, but in actuality, this was a tale with no true “bad guy.” It was just sweet, cute fun, with some solid laughs throughout. Special thumbs up to Fred Savage in a funny role. I’ll be honest, this isn’t one of the greatest comedies of all time, but it’s the kind of movie you’d watch every time it’s on HBO, just because you know what you’re gonna get, and you’ll be entertained. It’s hard to find a movie that Kup, Megan, and I all like, but this was one. If you haven’t seen it, and are looking for a fun little comedy- this is your guy.

Alrighty, poll time!
I mentioned yesterday my desire to rank to all-time greatest fast foods, so here’s where YOU come in!

What’s your favourtie fast food item or items of all time, and why?

Is it SHEETZ FRYZ? A Big Mac? Wendy’s Chicken Cordon Bleu ( a lost champion)?
I’m not asking for your favourite meal, either.. I’m thinking more along the lines of

1) your drunk; OR
2) hungover

and you need a food that’s not just going to “hit the spot,” but drive a truck THROUGH the spot, filling you up with tasty-go-nutsness.

Let’s hear you, America!
Peace out.
-apk

THE MONDAY HANGOVER, PART III: HULK SMASH!

Because I’m tired of writing, and because his Saturday night was MUCH more interesting than beers on the Bored-walk, I’ve opened things up for Banner to tell us all about Saturday, from Wedding on. When you’re reading it and thinking, “Hell, this is rambling and devoid of punctuation,” just remember that Banner has muscles, and he’ll kick your ass. Thus, I didn’t’ edit. Much thanks Oar-man!

Knor,to the best of my knowledge this is how my sat went...standard fare for the reception. got the obligitory pics taken beforehand then made our way to Breakers...game on! we all killed crab cakes, bruschetta, and whatever else was on those trays. as we were holding our ground just outside where they were bringing them out not too many trays made it by for some time. the bar was open and we were doing our best to kill whatever alcohol they had behind there. the groomsmen retired to the basement and awaited our introductions. after some pomp and pagentry and a well-spoken prayer from one of the "hired guns" we all sat at attention and intently listened to what we had all come to see....no, not the first dance, nate's speech. oh and did he ever deliver! if you weren't there, words would be a gret injustice to that extemporaneous masterpiece. at one point I think that he refered to me as james ernest...and we'll leave it at that. a few sentimental tear-filled dances with moms and dads later we were all off and running. although you told me about this later, the nate conversation with the bartender regarding what he wanted with his whiskey was perhaps one of the greatest alcoholic quotes ever. "A glass" tremendous. the food was great, but the waitreses were better. unfortunately (and yes we did ask and made a damn good case for them) we were not allowed to dance with them. standard fare of eating, cake-cutting, and much imbibing followed. Afterwards we were hurriedly ushered out, took some more pics (look for them in Dickinson magazine sometime soon), and some of us went for a swim...tux pants and all. I and I think everyone else were all well off by this point and headed back to the hotel for more debauchery. buff and smith, I think, were out to get beers so we hijacked some from the hotel somehow and caused a ruckus poolside for the better part of an hour. a few noise complaints and a pissed of employee later we headed back to the rooms, filled the tub with ice and beer and got ready for the rest of the evening. I forget what the name of the bar was that we were supposed to be going to, but I know that kup, jeff and I never made it. I left a little early because we wanted to stop and get something to eat and I was in desperate need of gas. as kup wanded me in (thanks to Captain Bill for that!) jeff dropped to idea of going to an OAR concert just up to road on us. about 0.2 seconds later we were getting beer next door and rolling up the GSP to the show. free VIP parking later (thanks to Jeff for moving those barriers aside) we had yards of beer and tickets in hand. we managed to get to the front of the lawn area as they came on. perfect timing! great show! they walked off to Sunday Bloody Sunday right after Crazy Game of Poker...yeah, yeah you got that right. a few purposely spilled yards of urine later (6 feet of pee is quite impressive if you've never seen it) we ventured back to the parking lot to finish the beers in the cooler and tried to snag some poor unsuspecting ladies...mission accomplished on both counts thanks to Face! we finished all of our beers, went to their car, finished their beers, talked to some staties and proceeded to do about 500 power slides in my car in the empty parking lot. I now need 2 new rear tires, but it sounded like a great idea at the time. beers gone it was time for the bar. we immediately feared for our lives as we realized that the 400+lb guy across the bar was the brother of the "Jersey girl" that we, ok I came in with. I though we were going to die if we made any sudden movements. luckily there was only time for on beer before last call. when in Rome, do as the Romans do, so we were off to Guido's Jughandle Diner down the road. a lot of greasy food later it was 3:30AM and it was time to go home. we said our goodbyes to "jersey girl", "booby mcgee", and "john john" and staggered back to the hotel. we got lost, got straightened out by a well-timed call from jersey girl and headed home. finding everyone on the hotel room sleeping, much to our dismay, me raised hell. there was name calling, nate was accosted by kup with a pillow, and you and broms just tried to ignore us. nature, always up for a brewtus, minced his was to the tub and threw a few brain bombs at us. drinking at 4 am when you're already wasted is a great idea. finally we all succumbed to the effects of a very long weekend and passed the hell out.....Saturday was finally over, but we have the pics to prove everything! cheers to jeff's camera phone. it was, by far, the most jersey night that I have ever had. it was spectacular thanks to kup, jeff, OAR, some jersey girls, and most importantly, BEER! at least that's what I remember of it anyway.if you need to fill in any gaps, ask kup, but i'm not sure that he remembers anymore that I do.bahahahahaha-BB

And there you have it, ladies and gents-- my weekend, in three bite-sized morsels! enjoy! and start posting! (btw: it's AMAZING that GrampyStaub actually registered as "GrampyStaub")

see yinz tommorrah, n'at!
-apk

THE MONDAY HANGOVER, PART II: BUFF is the STUFF, NATE is a MORON

Previously, in the Kingdom…

The car ride to Jersey is LONG!
Frat guys invade Applebees!
Buff sure is drinking a lot!

And now, Part II of: THE GREAT JERSEY ADVENTURE!

So we’re all hanging out at Applebees, drinking BREWTUSES and eating various appetizers while everyone catches up on each others’ lives. A veritable all-star team of Theta Chis, significant others, and newfound friends (like the A-Train) are on hand:
Me, Kup, Kujo, Mr. & Mrs. Buff, Jewbacca, the Frog and his lovely girlfriend, Bruce Banner, the Dominator, the Nature Boy and the KGBeast. If I’ve forgotten anyone, I apologize. I simply neglected you because this evening firmly belonged to Buff.

Within an hour, the man-beast got so drunk that he:
-Bit through a pen (“there’s a lot of plastic in my mouth!”)
-purposely urinated on Kup’s foot
-proclaimed, while sitting barside, “it’s midnight! There are no kids around! If I want to say f#ck, I can say f#ck! F#ck. F#ck. F#ck f#ck!”

he was in rare form. I’d tell you more, but when he started punching me, I decided to turn in for the evening. Needless to say, I was exhausted by then anyhow. As Kujo had become particularly plastered at that point, he turned in with Broms, Dom and I, and the other few good soldiers stayed behind for the last half hour to close the place. Special thanks to the roommate for bringing me back some crayons, as my affinity for drawing on restaurant placemats is well documented.

The next morning, it was WEDDING TIME, BABY! We awoke for the early-morning (11:30am) nuptials, and headed out to the church, but not before I proved, yet again, that I am clairvoyant as all hell.

The Scene: Kup and Knor, in their hotel room preparing for the wedding. Kup is ready to go and watching TV, Knor is shaving in the bathroom. The rest of the brothers staying in the room are in the wedding party, and have already left their bags in the hotel room and headed to the church. The phone rings.

On the phone, the Best Man, the Nature Boy: “Kup, can you find and bring my camera, I forgot it, it’s in my bag”

Kup: “sure. Found it.”

Knor: “who’s that, Nate? He forgot the rings, didn’t he!?!?”

Kup: “nope. Just his camera.”

::fade to black::

About 45 minutes or so later, we arrived at the church at 11, just as the place began to fill up. As we arrive, we’re confronted with this news from the other groomsmen, “Bromberg and Dom just left, they have to drive (25 min) back to the hotel to find the rings. NATE LEFT THEM IN THE ROOM…. Don’t tell anyone”

Needless to say, the wedding was a bit delayed. (although we got a HELL of a great laugh out of the situation when the priestess actually ANNOUNCED the reason for the delay to the congregation!)

That, compounded with the debut of Nate’s “BLUE STEEL” look during the entirety of the ceremony made it a very memorable wedding. And for what it’s worth, it was a beautiful little ceremony with a lot of heart. Congratulations and God Bless to Kujo and Darielle.

Part III: “MMMMmmmmmmm appetizers.” Coming soon

Also stay tuned for: SATURDAY NIGHT SPECIAL—the Bruce Banner Story
-apk

THE MONDAY HANGOVER, PART I: New Jersey is FAR.

Well, it’s Monday morning, I’m exhausted, my back is cramped like it’s nobody’s business, and my wallet has a hole in it the size of Manchuria, which can only mean one thing:

The weekend was frickin’ fratastic.

Leaving work early on Friday, things got off to a slowwwww start as I had to stop by the PennDOT Licensing Center before hitting the road. My license had expired, so it was time to sit in line for an hour in order to earn the right to spend 2 minutes having my picture taken before picking up my new card. I'm certain in was in the 4th Level of Hell, I just can't prove it. Hooray bureaucracy!

(Digression one: I love the new Red Stripe (it's beer! hooray beer!) marketing campaign. Not only is it INCREDIBLE that they're actually hocking Red Stripe on TV, but they even make fun of the facts that: 1) the bottle is weird. 2) it's Jamaican beer, and tastes like that sounds 3) beer is fun! The commercials are simple, cute, and funny. I approve. THAT is what a commercial should be like. Everyone, please support this ad campaign by making "Hooray (insert noun here)!" your new catch-all exclamation. It's great as both a truly excited utterance, "Hooray Paycheck!" and also as a sarcastic remark (which I have preferred) "Hooray Syphilis!" Too much fun. Digression Over.)

Anyhoo, after the obligatory pit stop at SHEETZ for the ol’ Turkey/Bacon/Swiss Pretzel Roll and one of their NEW! Cream-Cheese Stuffed Pretzels (***1/2 out of four. Not quite McGriddle Level, but highly recommended nonetheless... somebody remind me to rank fast food this week), I spent the next SIX HOURS on the road. Not only is that the longest I’ve ever driven, but it was the most Boring. Drive. Ever.

I’ll sum up with a nice little diagram, try to use your imagination.

START END
PGH - - - - - - Somerset (20 min. nap)- - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - -NJ

If you’ll notice, I can do that diagram on one single X-Axis because it’s a STRAIGHT WESTERNLY SHOT across the damn state on the PA Turnpike (“The Best Damn Two-Lane Highway Full of Potholes and Construction, With No Scenery, PERIOD.”)
To sum up: It was straight. It was far. It was fun listening to all of my CDs and rocking out to Huey.

So I arrive in the Garden State just in time to rendez-vous with the roommate and BUFF and Mrs. Buff at Applebees. We partook in some Brewtuses (NEW CATCHPHRASE ALERT! “beer” has gone from “brain grenade” to “BREWTUS” –thanks to Nate, as usual) and ate dinner before I checked into the Hotel. It was then I learned that Matty Smith was screwing Kup and I over on the room bill, but that’s another rant for another time.

Shortly thereafter, the Wedding Party returned from the rehearsal, and we proceeded to head BACK to Applebees to get fratty. Perhaps the quote of the night goes to Big Brother Nate, who informed us, “Guys, we’re those guys who are so old, they go to Applebees to drink now.” After looking around the room, and noticing that we were the youngest people there not waiting to be picked up by mom, we all got depressed. Laughed. Drank more. The Frat way.

This is already getting LONG, so I’m going to take a break now, listen to some ESPN radio( FINALLY… GUY JUNKER HAS COME BACK… to PITTSBURGH!), and then I’ll be back later to recap the rest of the weekend, in serial form. Consider this a cliffhanger!

CLIFFHANGER: You're at Applebees in Jersey and Buff eats a pen.. Pees on your foot...Starts dropping F-Bombs at the bar. What do you do? What do you do?

and also-- if you have a wedding, and no one brings the rings, do you have a wedding?

In the meantime, give a hoot, don’t pollute!
-apk

FRIDAY PREGAME: JERSEY OR BUST!

CONGRATULATIONS KUJO & DARIELLE!

This is gonna be quick, friends.

I'm headed out the door to head home early so I can pack quickly, get a new Driver's License, and then head off to the Kujo & Darielle Wedding in lovely... New Jersey. I'll reserve snide remarks, cuz we're gonna be on the beach! I'll be the guy blinding everyone with his pasty-whiteness. I swear, I look like a bottle of White-Out.

Anywho, I need a quick 2-day vacation following the funkadelicness of this past week. I'm just going to throw a blanket apology out there to everyone I was moody with earlier this week. Odds are I've apologized to you at least once already, and will probably continue to apologize for it, cuz, well, i don't take embarassment well and when I feel badly, I feel REALLY badly.

anyways, dinner's in the fridge!
I'll take you yinz on Monday.
-apk

THE NEW COLUMN! NOW WITH LESS CARBS!

G’mornin’ everyone.

Recently, Ernst recommended that every day have a column title and specific theme, an Idea which I had already been mulling. My problem was that I couldn’t come up with any good ideas for the Thursday column. Well, that’s what friends are for, I guess. Grampy Stuab threw out a great idea: a retrospective tale of yore recounting golden memories of days gone by. And he suggested I make you laugh.

Make you laugh? Uram’s the specialist, there. I’m just the guy who uses big words and waxes melodramatically about Spider-Man 2. But I’ll do my best.

So, after thinking about it, I realized that this is a REALLY good idea. Not only will it give me a chance to practice my narrative writing, but it’ll also (hopefully) be a little entertaining. Those are the two goals of this here blog, so let’s try it out and see how it works! As an added bonus, those of you out there who DIDN’T know me in college might learn a thing or two about me and my friends, and what made us the upstanding champions of beer and justice that we are today. And maybe you’ll laugh, too. Who knows?

In a nutshell, the people have spoken, and I have listened! You’re all VERY fortunate that I’m a loving god, and not a vengeful one. So without further ado, I present to you the first installment of Thursday’s new column: BOWS & TOES!

For those of you unfamiliar with the exercise known as “bows & toes,” allow me to illustrate. Bows & Toes is the cornerstone of pledging calisthenics. All good pledges know how to do them. First, assume a “push up position.” Now, instead of propping yourself up with your hands/arms, lock your hands behind your head and use your elbows to hold yourself parallel with the ground. Then take your right foot, and cross it over your left foot. Now keep your ass down, and your back straight. And hold it….(I DIDN’T SAY GET UP!)….Congratulations! You’re in pain!

For added fun, try it on concrete sometime.

..okay, Get up…

Just thinking about the words “bows & toes!” rolling off of Scott Hart’s tongue take me back to a simpler time. A time where all you had in your pocket was four quarters, a condom, a Halex, and a Bic lighter. Oh, those were the days. A different theme party every week, food runs, and study hours. Kup took a shot at Dom’s record, Natalie spent her evenings at Phi Kap, and I even scored a couple of times. Of course, I’m talking about that year of years, sophomore year at my alma mater, the Big Dick. Eight young men had come together with a purpose, and we were determined to succeed. That purpose: get drunk. Okay, not really, it was to buy our friends. Alright, I'm kidding, relax. Remind me to get into fratguy sterotype-bashing mode some other time. Our purpose: to become the best pledge class to ever make it through. And get some play. On to the show!

By “we,” I mean D-Generation OX, my pledge class. A quick rundown of the cast of characters, using nicknames to protect the innocent.

Buff: The self-described leader of the group. A Big man with a Big heart, and a semi-functioning brain. A master tactician and motivator, he was our inspiration.

Heed: The guy with the big head. Even though mine’s bigger. Suave and debonaire, he was our resident James Bond. Or, more accurately, Dirk Benedict. He was the Faceman. A lady killer and leader in his own right. Everyone knows that, though. What few know is that, like his Big Brother Bruce Banner, he was a powderkeg/headcase all the way through pledging. Always on edge. Not good.

Me: You know me, you love me. Or you wouldn’t be here. I’m sort of the runt of this particular litter. But I’m the runt with the heart of gold. The runt with the heart of gold and the emotional inferiority complexes. I tried to keep things lose through self-deprecating humour, often to little success.

Jewbacca: The hairiest guy I’ve ever known. He was the superpledge that knew all the information we had to learn first. He always took everything WAY too seriously, but somebody had to.

The Wop: The little Italian rugger. Known also as MightyMouse, he takes inferiority complexes to a whole new level. Hell bent on making the most money and proving that he’s the Little Rambler that Could, back then he was just concentrating on having rock-hard abs and not having other frat guys Shivers his girlfriend’s timbers.

Durty: The crazy semi-Canuck who’ll do anything for a laugh. At that time, he was hardwired to his roommate, The Wop, who had near total control over him. Not a bad thing, but the truth’s the truth. When you roll with Durty, hilarity always ensued. Of special note that he was my twinstar, as we shared the same Big Brother.

The Frog: At the time, I only really knew the Frog as ‘the dumb kid from Comp Sci class.’ By the time I was finished pledging, I knew him as ‘the dumb kid from pledging.’ Now, I know him as ‘the dumb kid with the chef for a dad.’ He’s the only kid I’ve ever met that’s lazier than I am, and that’s saying something. He’s a sweetheart, though, and is actually really witty, if you give him time to plan his jokes in advance.

And finally, today's star,

AWOL: Okay, so you’ve got a highly decorated Army reservist in your pledge class, this should be cake for him, right? He should have no problems taking orders or learning stuff or getting yelled at, right? WRONG. When he was actually there, he was freezing on the line. Take for instance, this exchange during “alphabet practice,” which I’ll give as today’s story, since this column’s already too too long.

We’re in the basement of the Sketch House, trying to go home. The Sketch House was our off-campus crackhouse where a few of our senior brothers lived. Nesteled in the semi-sketchy part of town, it was a great place for parties and new-member education. Basically, the place was a a hellhole, but it was OUR hellhole. Anywho, we’d been there for a lonnng time, and it’d been a wretched night, because we can’t get the alphabet right. This is where we had to go one by one down the line taking turns saying a single letter of the Greek Alphabet. If we finally get it right, showing an ability to know the alphabet and work as a team, and we do it quickly, we get to go home. Well, every. Single. Time. We get to AWOL on “Omicron” he screws up and says, “O-MY-cron.” And all the brothers laugh at us. Bows & Toes ensue.

Hopefully I can express the humour in this situation. AWOL’s a pretty prideful cat. He’s the kind of guy that’s never made a mistake in his life—just ask him, he’d love to tell you all about it. If there’s room for both you and his head in the same room, you’ll have a great time hearing all of his war stories. So anyway, the guy has a complete and total mental block when it comes to foreign languages. I learned this the hard way when I convinced him to take Latin with me Freshman year, and witness as he nearly found a way to fail the course. Twice. I’ve copied the kid’s homework, gotten caught, and NOT been chastised by the Prof, because he said, and I quote, “If you had to resort to copying AWOL’s homework, you must’ve been really desperate. Just don’t let it happen again.”

So for me, it wasn’t surprising to listen to him fail again and again and again. After EVERY time, the brothers would stop and say, AWOL, it’s pronounced “Oh- ma- cron.” And he would stand there, against the all, his mouth would twitch, his eyes would squint, and, without fail, he would sputter “Oh- MY- cron” like a baby trying to beg for its bottle. Hilarity would ensue. We’d be blamed for not helping him with his problem, and Bows & Toes would occur, again.

After about an hour of this, it came down to this one, final exchange…

BROTHER: AWOL, if you can say “Omicron” you all get to go home.
AWOL: Oh… Oh… Oh… MY-cron….

BROTHER: BOWS & TOES!!!

..I still don’t think he can say it correctly. Jackass.

Until next time, get back to work,
-apk

GOING POSTAL: THE SPIRIT ISN'T MOVING ME TODAY

Just like in my entire college career, my enthusiasm for doing any kind of work has deteriorated to almost nothing. At the beginning of a semester I would tell myself “This semester is going to be different! I am going to go to every class, do all of my reading and get my work done on time! I am getting all A’s!” A few weeks later, that scholastic determination was turned into “20 Page paper worth 50% of my grade that I knew about since the beginning of the semester, due tomorrow at 9 am, its 2 am... DIDN’T EVEN START” C= DEGREE. So then I think about this column and I take the laziness one step further...D= Diploma. So my column, due Tuesday night and it's Noon on Wednesday: DIDN’T EVEN START. I am in the process of moving and getting ready to start a new job so I’ve been pretty busy, but JUST LIKE THE MAIL GETS DELIVERED NO MATTER WHAT... SO DOES GOING POSTAL.

The Democratic Convention was last week, and every time I went to Knor’s blog spot, I would actually see the jizz emitting from the crotches of the left wing hippie liberals that infest this website. Kujo was loving every minute of it, whacking off in the corner during Howard Dean’s speech. Everything was going great. The positive agenda of not personally attacking the president completely broke down turning it into a Bush bashing session. Then the main event. John Kerry’s make or break speech! What a delivery! What a clear, decisive message! Oh wait..

*Kerry said John Edwards will make a great vice president and is ready to be president. When in the primary campaign he ripped Edwards for not being qualified or not having enough experience to be President.

*Kerry said that when he’s president, families will not have to hold bake sales to pay for body armor for the troops. When Kerry VOTED AGAINST THE 87 BILLION DOLLARS THAT GAVE BODY ARMOR TO OUR TROOPS.

*Kerry said that he will never mislead America in to war EVEN THOUGH THAT FUCKIN BOTOX DOUCHE VOTED FOR THE WAR.

I am going to join the democratic party and hold a waffle brunch for John Kerry and his campaign. Then at the exact moment he bites into one of my delicious waffles, I will call him a cannibal because he will be eating himself.

And I know at this very moment research essays are being written by enraged liberals who put down their burning American flags 5 minutes to write a SERIOUS RESPONSE. I have a serious response to these left wing hippies: Kill Yourself. That will be a good start to making America STRONGER AT HOME AND MORE RESPECTED IN THE WORLD.

I could go on and on enraging you liberals with absolute fact but I’d rather talk about something much more important than any election, issue, or political move: THE UPCOMING NFL SEASON.

Professional Football in America defines us as Americans. While Europeans enjoy kicking a ball around for 90 straight minutes and letting their games end in ties, AMERICANS WANT BIG HITS, ELABORATE PAGEANTRY AND EXTREME AND EXCITING ACTION ending with a definite winner. America lives for the NFL, it counts down the seconds until the season starts. Sunday mornings are torture whether you’re watching pre-game shows or in church desperately waiting for your team's game to come on. NFL football is the official religion of America. With that, here is GOING POSTAL’s Official NFL Preview and Predictions. Unlike ESPN, I will not get on my knees and use my sucking power to bolster the reps for the overrated likes of Steve “Better than Jesus” McNair, Ray “I ain’t seen nofin” Lewis, and the entire Dallas Cowgirls organization. Here are my predictions for the season:

AFC East :

Patriots: 13-3 (Boston will be too busy killing themselves over the latest Red Sox Playoff Loss to the Yankees that they wont even notice)

Bills: 8-8 (There coach is named MALARKEY.. The end)

Dolphins: 6-10 (If pot gets legalized between now and September, then Ricky will come back to lead them to the superbowl)

Jets : 6-10 (Renting a stadium and fans from the Giants didn’t produce victories before and they won’t produce them now)

AFC South:

Colts: 12-4 (Peyton Manning will MAKE SURE that he doesn’t have two consecutive good games before the AFC title game)

Titans: infinity-0 (ITS SAINT MCNAIR TO THE RESCUE!! STEVE MCNAIR IS THE BEST DRUNK DRIVER OOPS I MEAN QUARTERBACK IN THE NFL Seriously, titans will go 8-8)

Jaguars and Texans will suck as usual.

AFC North:

Bengals: 10-6 (someone has to win this crappy division, might as well give the bungals a chance)

Ravens: 9-7 (Murdering people is cool. Helping your cousin buy cocaine is just as cool)

Steelers: 8-8 (Cowher might use the power of his chin to will the Stillers into the playoffs, but I gotta be safe and say 8-8)

Browns: 4-12 (This team is going to be absolutely horrible and Kellan Winslow will not even suit up this season)

AFC West:

Chiefs: 11-5 (they are guaranteed 8 wins because they just don’t lose at home. And I want Dick Vermeil in the playoffs so I can see him cry after his defense once again costs him a trip to the superbowl.)

Broncos: 10-6 (its fuckin’ cold up there. The broncos can get to the superbowl on the momentum of a possible Kobe Bryant conviction in nearby Eagle, Co.)

Raiders: 7-9 (Warren Sapp is a fat fuck)

Chargers: 5-11 (but they will still finish better than Eli’s team!!)

NFC East:

Eagles: 14-2 (nooo, I’m not a homer. The superbowl is a stone cold mortal lock.)

Redskins: 9-7 (Joe Gibbs will make them better but we will see the REAL Clinton Portis)

Cowgirls: 8-8 (Antonio Bryant and Bill Parcells will have a fight on national TV thus ruining their season)

Giants: 3-13 (Not only will this team be horrible and they will realize that Eli sucks, but they also will have to give up a high draft pick to the chargers. Tiki will once again lead the league in fumbles)

NFC South:

Falcons: 11-5 (Michael Vick needs to win lots of games so he can make enough money to bail his brother out of prison)

Panthers: 10-6 (This team can just as easily go 7-9. Those lucky close-game wins of last year will catch up to them)

Bucs: 7-9 (Eat shit Gruden)

Saints: 6-10 (Shawn Salisbury’s favorite team will once again prove that Shawn’s prediction abilities were as good as he was in the NFL)

NFC North:

Vikings: 10-6 (This division sucks ass, so the Viks should prevail)

Packers: 8-8 (Brett Favre has no more fathers in his life that can conveniently die in time to get him into the playoffs)

Lions: 5-11 (Come on, they are the lions)

Bears: 4-12 (DAAAAAAAAAAAA BUMS)

NFC West:

Seahawks: 12-4 (if the eagles are gonna lose a 4th strait NFC title game, this will be the team to beat them)

Rams: 10-6 (OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap OVERRATED clap clap clap clap clap)

Cardinals: 7-9 (They will have more wins than fans at their games)

49ers: 1-15 (This will be the absolute worst team in football)

Superbowl:Eagles over anyone from the AFC.

AND IF THE EAGLES DON’T WIN THE SUPERBOWL, YOU WILL BE ATTENDING MY FUNERAL. I CAN PROMISE YOU THAT. Anyway, Half assed column this week. Oh well... D certainly does equal diploma. See you next week maybe.

-URAM

URAM IS LATE

Sorry to disappoint, but I've not yet heard from Uram today. Needless to say, this week's installment of "Going Postal" will be delayed until after his appointed rounds.

As for me, I'm in a shitty mood today. Bodes well for the blog, I know. I think I finally hit my post-birthday denouement, and it's very un-swell. Doing work has been an impossibilty today, as I'm finding it hard to concentrate. Have you ever had a secret so big, that it just HAD to be let out. You wanted nothing more than to share it with the entire universe, but couldn't? That's how I feel today (although mine's just about the worst-kept secret ever) and it's driving me batty.

Anyhow, kiddies, just wanted to let you all know that your weekly dose of NEPA hilarity will be a little delayed. Kujo, post-up and let me know if you really want a Mr. Beer. We have one, and it's pretty solid. I dunno if Target still sells them or not, but if they do, I'll hook you up. Leave your mailing address, and I'll just have it sent to your house or something.

Plans for my Thursday column are slowly taking shape, stay tuned. Also, if anyone's interested in a guest weekend gig, let me know.

In the meantime, say your prayers and eat your vitamins, and start pricing labotomies for me, I might need one soon.

melodramatically yours, i remain,
-apk

TUESDAY IS A POLL DAY: TWO, TWO, TWO POLLS IN ONE

This post is like the Diamond Cutter, you never... saw it... coming.

Okay, well, you probably did, I do have a tendency to post a poll every Tuesday, don't I. Well today, my friends, you get TWO polls! No, no, please-- save your applause. Just send money.

Before we get to the polls, though, it's time to give out some Asylum. The following friends are forgiven for forgetting my berfday because they stepped up yesterday:

Marc, Kujo, KGoff.

with special thanks to the KGBeast for pickin' up the tab at Bar Louie last night. More specifically, to Kev's employer for pickin' up the tab. Hooray Expense Account!

and now it's time for the MAIN EVENT:

POLL 1) What should be the point of the Thursday column, and what should I title it?

POLL 2) What should I get Kujo as a wedding present?

That's about all we got for today. Things have slowed down significantly since the weekend, but there's still plenty to get done. I almost can't wait for school to start, just so I can catch my breath. Sad, no?

Anywho, be good to each other, I'll be back sooner or later.
-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER: BIRTHWEEKEND

Okay, so here goes, YOUR Monday Hangover,

Birthweekend started out with a gangbusters baseball game in Upper St. Clair on Friday. Although the Pubbers fell to the South Hills team, putting an end to our season, we fought valiantly, despite being undermanned, and fell in extra innings. I played my first full game at first base since Little League, and performed satisfactorily. Offensively, I found my way on base 3 out of 5 times, with 3 Walks, one which led to our first run. For me, it was a pretty fun way to end a disappointing season. At the very least, I made some cool new friends, and look forward to playing again next year.

Friday night, Drew, Kup, & I headed on d’ahn to the Southside to have some late dinner and throw a few brews back. Fat Heads and Mario’s normally amounts to a pretty good time, and despite the significant lack of single hotties on scene, a good time was had by all. Basically, any time you can have a Guys’ Night Out with your two best friends, life is good. FEM wasn’t ENTIRELY in effect, but the machine might just be warming up the engine.

Saturday was pure spectacularness. A venerable Who’s Who of my closest friends attended an ol’fashioned BBQ at 707. Special thanks to Kup for cooking the meat and ‘dina for bringing along heaping helps of both pasta salad and corn on the cob. If anyone wants to come over this week and eat leftovers (and there’s plenty) just give me a call! Megan knocked one out of the park with mixed fruits and whatever that tasty-as-all-hell cream cheese dip was. Awesome.

However, the food MVP award firmly belongs to Jeanie. She did well with both the Snickers Pie (or so I heard) and also the Milky Way Pie (even though a Milky Way isn’t really “a Snickers without the nuts” as I had convinced her). But most importantly, the HIGHLIGHT of the evening was the Specially Made for the Birthday Boy (that’s me) Blackberry Pobbler (is it Pie? Is it Cobbler? Who cares! It’s DELICIOUS). Yes, that’s right—she made me my favourite dessert. And the two of us ate 99.783% of it ourselves. Needless to say, Jeanie rules.

My brother kicked ass with his gift for me: the brand-spankin’ new DVD of V:the Complete TV Series. Although I’ve never seen any episodes of the actual series, this now completes my V set, and was one of the coolest, most unexpected gifts I received.

Speaking of gifts, let’s get to the list, with specific thanks for each. I can honestly say I didn’t expect any single one of these, and they’re all great.

Not only did Kup go above and beyond Friday night, footing the bill for all of my misadventures in masculinity, he also gave me an éclair (which looks good) and an AMAZING BOOK known as “Mythologies: the DC Comics Art of Alex Ross.” Alex Ross is a comic book artist world renown for painting ultra-realistic versions of heroes. The book is a complete collection of all his pictures of DC heroes like Batman, Superman, etc. It’s a cornucopia of stuff I can steal for the projects I’m currently working on. And it’s the ONE thing I didn’t get from my Christmas list. He really outdid himself, and I can’t say enough about this one.

Jeanie, along with the aforementioned ridiculously delicious edibles also gave me a spiffy Spider-Man magnet for the fridge, a CD of weird and unusual “music,” and a FANTASTIC book called “Tales to Astonish” that’s all about the life and times of Jack ‘The King’ Kirby. Jack Kirby, for those of you not in the know (I’m looking at YOU, everybody!) is the father of all modern comic book art. He created most of the Marvel Universe with Stan Lee back in the sixties, as well as Captain America, himself, in the ‘40s. It’s basically this simple: without Jack Kirby, there’d be no Alex Ross. He’s the Henry Ford of the only truly American artform. It’s an intriguing book I didn’t know even existed, and I can’t wait to read it.

Lara, despite her affinity for Ashlee Simpson, showed great taste in giftbuying with the purchase of a Spider-Man Pez Dispenser from the Pez museum somewhere in PA. We all know that Pez rules, and we all know that Spidey rules, so basically.. ‘Nuff Said! Thanks Lara!

Another thoughtful gift was a picture frame avec picture of Ang and I from my aunt’s prom, sent to my with a lovely card by Ang. Much appreciated and sentimental.

What else do we got? I really think I’m forgetting something, but I’m going to move on anyway(s). All other friends just did a hell of a job showing up and partying, which means more to me than you can imagine.

The party was sufficiently Frat-tastic. We finally dusted off the ol’ Beruit table and got to work on a well-priced ½ barrel of Champagne. You can’t beat a party that features All You Can Drink Miller High Life, can you? It was your standard fare: Kup gets a partner, Kup never loses, everybody gets drunk. We played fratty music and ate man-food. I think good times were had by all. Kup even did his obligatory stair-dive at the end of the night, and many a friend crashed and burned in the living room. I was 0-2 on the table, but not because of my partner, who shot extremely well for a rookie. Basically, as usual, I sucked. We DO have a TON of beer left over, though, so if anyone wants to come shoot a couple games this week, just give us a call.

Sunday, Kup and I headed on down to the Knor Hacienda in Herminie, watched a couple movies with my bro (“Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries”) and had a fantastic dinner with my entire family. Luckily, Danny didn’t throw any icecubes this time, and (though we reached DefCon 3 on two occasions) had no major meltdowns.

I’ve heard it must suck to get old, but with great friends, great family, and great times, I don’t see how.

Thanks again to all who made it a really really really special and fun weekend. And thanks to all of those who were there in spirit. Also, Banner sent me the Text, mystery solved. So thanks for the shoutout, bro. Hopefully we’ll be sinking our canoe soon, I'd really like to fill the Lake with cement and build a hotel on top of it. We'd make mad coin. (if anyone but Jamie understood that, God Bless You)

Until next time,
-apk

I'M A LITTLE OLDER... I'M A LITTLE WISER..

Well, I once received some sagelike advice from Jeanie recommending that I "always leave them wanting more." And since she's already told me she's anxiously awaiting my post-birthweekend blogdate, I've decided to do just that.

There's an AWFUL lot to recap on what was one of my best birthdays ever (although 2001 will probably NEVER be touched), and I've got an AWFUL lot of work to get through today, so that update will be here sooner or later.. who knows? keep checking back to find out!

In the meantime, here's my LONGEST LIST OF SHOUT-OUT THANK YOUS EVER, which specifically goes to anyone out there who wished me a happy birthday. If you're not on this list, I, like the Saudis, will offer asylum to anyone who steps forward over the next 24 hours and wishes me a happy birthday. Otherwise, you run the risk of perpetual torment and public lambasting here in my little corner of cyberspace.

So, without further ado, thanks to the following friends/family for being amazing:

Mom, Dad, Adina, Danny, Chris, Penny, Kup, Drew, Doug, Kris, Bill, Jeanie, Nic, Uram, Megan Starr, Megan P., Shannon, Ron, Nicole, Brietta, Lara, Danielle, Gavin, Bling, Whitney, Erin, Jon, Jackie, Claire (whose birthday's ALSO 8/1/80), Will (Happy Birthday tomorrow!), Jerry, Natalie, Tanaka (congratulations on the engagement!), AliMac, Kristy, Aunt Cindy, Aunt Paulette, Grandma, Candace, Ang, and Whoever texted me (Nate?). You are all awesome. I love you all.

that's pretty exhaustive... although i feel like i've forgotten someone.. my apologies in advance.

stories to come later
-apk