"Now I swear...the next one of you PRIMATES, even TOUCHES ME..."

Alright, you prmitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This..is my BOOMSTICK! ...It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line.  You can find this in the sporting goods department.  That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95, it's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger.  That's right...shop smart. Shop, S-Mart. YOU GOT THAT??

                                                                                   -Ash

                                                                               "Army of Darkness"

 

I am a dangerous man.  Hit the trap-shooting range at Nemacolin yesterday with some co-workers and had a great time.  Though my shoulder hurts like a bitch today, it was worth it, for I went 40-100, making me the Ted Williams of trap shooting.  Considering my shooting experience is just a smidge about "nil" and is generally limited to a pump-action Daisy and Duck Hunt, I feel very strongly that I'm a natural sharpshooter.  These are the cool things you occasionally get to do as a lawyer. Awesome, no?

 

If that doesn't suit your fancy, then perhaps you'll be interested in the A-M-A-Z-I-N-G dinner I had at Pittsburgh's swankiest good ol' boys club during a Bar Association dinner on Wednesday.  It involved shrimp, filet, vegetables, and a double-baked potato that was filled with cheese and bacon. Incredible.  It wasn't quite as good as the meal Chef Topshelf made for me at New York's Republican Club, but it was pretty damn close. The coolest part was during the "mingle" phase of the evening, where I started trading lines from, of all things, Wayne's World 2 with a young plaintiff's attorney.  Goes to show you that lines like "Keith [Richards] cannot be killed by conventional weapons" can come in handy anywhere.

 

Though my billable requirements start in earnest on Monday, I think I'll stick to this lawyer-gig for a while.

 

Hail to king, baby.

-apk

 

SCARIEST LINK EVER: "Countdown to Infinite Crisis"

So DC Comics has this big event coming up, called the "Infinite Crisis," and they had a big $1 issue called "Countdown to Infinite Crisis," a few months back.  No one knows what the "Infinite Crisis" is, 'cept  me.

 

email from the PA Board of Law Examiners yesterday:

 

This email is to inform you that results for the July 2005 Pennsylvania Bar Examination are tentatively scheduled to be released on Friday, October 7, 2005 at approximately 12:00 p.m.  Continue to check the web site for updated result release information.  You can view detailed results release information from this link:  CLICK HERE TO FIND OUT IF YOU'RE SCREWED

 

Okay, so I made that last part up, but if you check out the link, directly underneath the "how to find out if you passed" info is a link on "how to re-apply if you thoroughly frakked the daggit*."

 

The best part is that they decided to give us ten days of anticipation, just to make us all feel that much more nervous and that much more helpless over the next week or so.  Awesome. Tacking this little mind-frak onto the end of the Bar process as a whole only furthers to strengthen my argument that the no one would make a better group of "new member educators" than the distinguished denzins of the Board of Law Examiners. 

 

To the greatest hazers of all time, We who are about to die, salute you!

 

peace out-- i'm going to shoot things now.

(no, really-- i'm going trap shooting with work this afternoon. details to follow-- the way my luck's been this week, pray i don't take off the kneecaps of any clients.)

 

-apk

 

*editor's note:  (that's me) a "daggit" in Classic Galactica lore was a dog. We all know what " frak" means-- do the math.
 

GOOD. GRIEF.

Don't people have better things to bitch about? I mean really.

She should really stop being so frakkin' sensitive, and read why Coach Frye originally painted it that way.

excuse me while I go burn my pink dress shirt and tie, so that I don't demean any women or homosexuals, while simultaneously exploiting sterotypes..

-apk

DAILY DOSE: "If You're Lucky I'll Be Your Last Regret"

Wow. Is THIS cool, or what?

Make sure you click to the second picture, too. Just craziness.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again-- I love that we don't know dick about anything. Can you imagine getting attacked by a 25-foot squid that's darting around you at high speeds and attacking you with 20 foot tentacles? DAMN. It's like something out of a comic book. Aquaman better watch his ass...

Anywho, I've not much to say now, as I'm getting ready to run an errand for work and head into the office. So I figured I'd check in with this here little link.

KLE-- the 1/2 season finale was awesome. From the drop-jopping actions of Lt. Thorn to the approximately 1 billion Mark VII Vipers the Pegasus launched to fight an Apollo and Starbuck-less squadron of Galactica Mark IIs, the stakes have been raised, and January can't come soon enough. I'd love to know how they're going to resolve this...and do you think Kara's going to show up in the Blackbird to even the odds? Does that thing even have weapons? And what will become of Pegasus? I mean, I know what happened to Pegasus in the Original Series, when Lloyd Bridges played Commander Cain, and this Ep was certainly made in homage to that classic two-parter, but what will happen to Ensign Ro (Adm. Cain)?

Did I mention that January can't get here soon enough? Between Galactica and 24 being on hiatus for four months, I don't know what to do with myself...

Since I'm sure none of you understood any of that, let me just give you some advice: GO RENT Galactica Season 1, and then start watching the re-runs of Season 2 on SciFi. You won't regret it!

Song of the Day is "Inside Out" by Yellowcard. Frankly, I'm out of new music. Time for people to start sending me stuff.. ::cough:Kujo!::cough::

be good to each other, and go eat some calamari, just to send a message to the big ones..
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "I Swear It Can't Get Much Worse"

Morning everyone. Sorry I've not been around for a few days. You know I never update on the weekend! Also, yesterday = hell.

 

I can't really get into it. But there you go. 

 

SO, the Stillers lost. No big deal, really. Though did y'all see how the clock got screwed up in the fourth quarter by :52?? Craziness. And perfect, really, because that's what Stillers nation needs-- an excuse for how we got screwed. Nice. Not like it was, y'know, the O-Line, the Defense, Antwaan Randle El, or Jay Paterno's fault, right?  (What sucks is that, since Kup doesn't read the Kingdom, that Jay Paterno joke will totally be lost on everyone...dammit.)  Anyway, watch out-- the Stillers are comin' with a vengeance, now! Also: the Nits are the New Team That Will Not be Named. You've been warned.

 

Quick thought: would it KILL the Pirates to win ONE MORE GAME, in order to get to the magical "63?"  Is that really asking too much? 

 

Anyhow, as usual, I've got a lot to work on in the office today before I head to the courthouse to check out my first closing argument, So I've not much time.  I did, however, want to share in even more of the awesomeness that is Google.  Now they you can personalize your Google homepage, utilizing the simple clarity of the google-style to its fullest. Super-cool things about the personalized page are that 1) if you have gmail, it'll show the top new items in your inbox; and 2) using the power of the google search, you can get information from any website put right on your homepage. F'r instance-- I now have a link to all the new comic releases for every week.

 

This is some cool stuff.

 

I also like the "daily how to" and "daily quote" links it provides. You can pretty much count on me getting my Links of the Day from the "how to" page quite frequently. Like today! Go learn How to Survive a Freestyle Rap Battle.  You never know when you're going to have to go up against DJ Jazzy Droid and the Sundance Kid. Word.

 

Song of the Day is "State Your Peace" off of the new Hootie album, which is up-tempo old school Hootie goodness. If you don't like it, I don't care.

 

Finally: a message to KLE on something I've been meaning to comment on: I would notice D. if Starbuck were in the same room.  Although, admittedly, I feel like the burgeoning D/Apollo relationship is sort of out-of-the-blue, I can't say that I don't like the idea. It's about time Kara gets jealous.  Because really, that's the only way to get the girl you want, no matter how much chemistry you have with her: make her jealous.  I'm sure Grampy "the Iceman" Staubby can back me up on this..

 

be good to each other,

-apk

Song of the YEAR.

Every now and then, a link comes by that makes it all worthwhile.

Win or lose Sunday, this is that link. Obviously, i'm referring to the first song on the list.

 

i'll be rambling later...

-apk

 

DAILY DOSE: "I Know I'm Not a Hopeless Case"

Hello friends, and a very good morning to you,

 

I've got an awful lot to accomplish at work today, so don't expect The Spotlight, or any other significant tomfoolery. But hopefully Uram will be back tomorrow to pick things up.

 

First off: my political statement of the month: Baha.

 

Okay, two nights at the ballpark up, two nights at the ballpark down.  On Monday I saw a GREAT win by the Buccos over the Rocket, where a bunch of no-names downed the Greatest Pitcher of Our Lifetime 7-0.  To top it all off, My Boy Rob Mackowiak hit the nail-in-the-coffin double to knock The Rodge out of the game, good stuff.

 

Also, Mad Propers to Mrs. Sprout for hooking me up with a Jimmy Leyland autograph. All-in-all, a great little night.

 

But not as great as last night, which I can honestly call one of the most downright pleasant evenings I've had in a long time.  Sure, the Bucs lost, and still need one more win to get to the Magic Number of 63, but last night was about Good Company.  Just all-out good times, and few things can cap off a great little evening better than cheese sticks at Blinky's. Swellness.

 

I gotta run for now (there's too much to do here!) but i'll hopefully be back later tonight to post the Spotlight- but I might just save it for Friday so I don't overshadow whatever it is that Uranium's cookin' up for us.

 

Song of the Day is "Beautiful Day" by U2, which was rather appropriately played over the radio during the morning drive today. 

 

be good to each other,

-apk

MONDAY HANGOVER: "Omnia Illa et Ante Fiebant, Omnia Illa et Rursus Fient"

Ahh, Monday. What can I say but, "that weekend went by pretty quickly."  In actuality, though, it felt like a long weekend, probably because I ran the gamut of emotions from Friday to Sunday.   After last week's long week, which had me feeling everything from new lows of work-related despair on Tuesday to my first inklings of confidence and acceptance on Friday, by the time I had no one to go out and play with on Friday evening, I was emotionally exhausted and mentally wiped.   And that never turns out well.

 

I sufficiently wrung Z's arm enough to get him to go out with me, but when I felt myself falling right into the depressing monotony of the single-life rut, I think about six weeks of "adjustment period" stress finally broke through.   Which was, perhaps, a good thing. 

 

I'm such a seemingly hyper-emotional person because I spend so much time suppressing them, that when they blow, they blow big.   Friday wasn't that bad, but it was bad enough, so I did what any sorry-sack sob story would do: I ran home.

 

After helping out Aunt Paulette around her place, and watching a downright excellent (and nearly tear-jerking) episode of Galactica, I retreated to the Knor Hacienda Fortress of Solitude in hopes of hanging out with the hometown boys.  Though it just turned into another installment of "Me and Z" vs. the world, for some reason, I found considerably more comfort in that on Saturday than Friday.   I think because there were certain levels of randomness to the evening, like finding Wilbur's bonfire field party devoid of human life, yet full of alcohol (to which I helped myself to a portion), and simply meandering our way through Westmoreland County as though it were back in the day, everything felt okay.   Or maybe it was the dancing ladies and Beam and Ginger's, we may never know.

 

In any regard, another strong PSU showing, another big Stiller win (this time replete with TWO Hines TDs) and some QT with Gooder (who can suddenly throw a SWEET football pass) had me feeling refreshed, recharged, and refocused heading into the week.   On top of it all, I got to both have a good talk with Nic and also my first long chat with Kup, both about absolutely nothing, in a good long while, making the stars feel a little more in line with one another.  

 

..having a date Tuesday helps, too, I imagine. 

 

All-in-all, the weekend came and went, yet so much happened.  And somewhere through it all, maybe I'm starting to get through the "adjustment period" and am now heading towards "Whatever's Next."   In the meantime, some quick thoughts:

 

1) I'm headed to the ballpark the next two nights. I'm finally using my Rain Check tickets from back in May tonight to check out The Rocket's first ever game in Pittsburgh.  Exciting stuff, I'm hoping he strikes out 28 batters.  The Sprouts and Z will be in attendance with me.

 

2) I'm headed to the ballpark tomorrow with my long lost DCTV'er, Christi. She's making the trek up from Morgantown since she's not been to the Ballpark all year.   We have a common enemy in the Pitt Panthers (who suck! Woot!) so I should be in for a good time.

 

3) The Best 30 Seconds of Television this Year happened at the end of the NORTH CAROLLLLLINNNNNA/ New England game yesterday, I hope you all got to see it.   After Brady failed in his bid to become the first NFL player to score an 11-point touchdown (which the announcers made seem like a mere formality) with about 2 minutes to play, he trudged to the sideline, and like a true leader, sat on his bench, ran his hands through his finely clipped million dollar locks, and hung his head.  Meanwhile, the announcers said NOTHING. It was dead air of Tom Brady, heartbroken and distraught, with his head down, resigned to defeat and awaiting the arrival of The Almighty Belechick so he could suckle his coach's teat for comfort.    

 

I wish I would've taped it.

 

Maybe I'll get another chance next week? Here's hoping.

 

4) From Uram (clearly recovered from his maniacal turn last Monday night) "The Keystone Superbowl is back on."

 

5) Admit it KLE, when the Blackbird was named "Laura" last Friday, it got a little dusty in your room. It definitely did in mine, Aunt Paulette's, and my dad's living room. That's some damn good television, there.

 

6) They showed the Brady Moment on SportsCenter.

 

Happy Monday, my peeps- I'll try to get the next edition of The Spotlight up for tomorrow, but I wouldn't bank on it—there's a LOT of editing to do, and I probably won't have time tonight.

 

Until next time, I remain,

-apk

GOING POSTAL: "A Word on the Criminal Justice System"

WOW, I actually made it past one week without being kicked off, arrested, or having Knips not talk to me ever again.  I must be getting soft, dammit.  Well if I'm becoming a pussy, I better talk about the biggest non pussies in the world: CRIMINALS.

 

Don't get me wrong, CRIMINALS ARE AWESOME.  MOST OF THEM DO COOL SHIT OR HILARIOUSLY STUPID SHIT (such as beating the crap out of douchebags, or calling in a police complaint because someone stole their bag of weed).   Certain crimes and criminals obviously are not awesome, thus the existence of my best friend, THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.  Oh, and any of the non-awesome criminals that escape the chair (such as rapists and child abusers) are either murdered in prison (street justice), or confined to a lifetime of  [having sex in a very uncomfortable place: like the back of a volkswagen] and eating their lunch off the floor.

 

Hey, is it me or has the number of criminal violations by current professional athletes skyrocketed in the last year?  This month, Larry Johnson just shoved his girlfriend to the ground, and Doc Gooden was driving drunk, hit someone, and fled the scene, among other athletes that are proving that they have no regard for the laws of the United States of America.  I say, send them all to Australia! (Oh wait, they don't send criminals there anymore). 

 

Well, in light of the recent criminal transgressions of some of our most beloved sports idols, I proudly present to you

 

ALEX URAM'S ALL CRIMINAL FOOTBALL TEAM

 

 

 <-- Bevis & Butthead, in case you can't see it...

 

 

BREAKIN THE LAW, BREAKING THE LAW!!!

Of the 509 current and former NFL players with Criminal records, here is my ALL CRIMINAL TEAM based on either how good of a player the criminal is/was or how serious/hilarious the charges were.   I know I probably missed a lot of them, but here are the ones that suck out the most in my mind.

 

Offense:  This squad has mastered the "Offense".

 

QB: STEVE MCNAIR (Titans) DUI.

QB: WARREN MOON (Oilers) Domestic Violence.

QB: JAKE PLUMMER (Broncos) sexual abuse.

RB:  O.J. SIMPSON (Bills) 2 counts of first degree murder ACQUITTED.

RB:  JAMAL LEWIS (Ravens) using his cell phone to set up a drug deal.

FB:  LARRY JOHNSON (Chiefs) shoved his girlfriend to ground; threatened woman at a bar with gun, domestic violence charges still pending.

WR:  MICHAEL IRVIN (Cowboys) cocaine and marijuana possession.

WR: ANDRE RISON (Falcons) aggravated assault.

WR: RAE CARRUTH (Panthers):  charged with murdering his pregnant ex-girlfriend. The charges were dropped and he pled guilty to conspiracy to commit murder.

TE: RANDY MCMICHAEL (Dolphins): Criminal Trespassing; public drunkenness; family violence battery.

TE: MARK CHMURA; (Packers) Sexual assault of his children's babysitter while she was drunk at a post prom party.

OL: NATE NEWTON (Cowboys) sexual assault; Police found him with 213 pounds of Marijuana in his van during a routine traffic stop.

OL: MARVEL SMITH (Steelers) Marijuana Possession.

OL: JONATHAN GOODWIN (Jets) Theft of several thousand dollars worth of merchandise from K-mart.

 

DEFENSE:  these guys should know all about mounting a good defense.

 

LB: RAY LEWIS (CAPTAIN OF THE TEAM) (Ravens) Double Murder. Charges dropped; pled guilty to lesser charges of obstruction of justice. Won Super Bowl and was named MVP.   First and only Super Bowl MVP during the "I'm Going to Disney World" era not allowed to participate in the commercial. 

LB: E.J. HENDERSON (Vikings) DUI, DWI

LB: ROBERT THOMAS (Rams) Illegally applied for and obtained phony handicapped parking stickers in order to park wherever he wanted on the campus of UCLA.

DL:  BRUCE SMITH (Bills) DUI.

DL JOHN ABRAHAM (Jets):  DUI charges dropped, pled guilty to lesser charge of driving while impaired.

DL: LEONARD LITTLE (Rams): Drunk Driving

LB: CORNELIUS BENNETT (Bills) rape, sexual assault

DT:  CORTEZ KENNEDY (Seahawks)--domestic violence;

FS: DEION SANDERS (Ravens)--aggravated assault, disorderly conduct, trespassing, and battery.

CB: AARON BEASLEY (falcons) simple battery.

CB: SAMARE ROLLE (Ravens) Domestic Violence Assault.

 

WHAT A TEAM!!!  I WAS THINKING OF SOME GOOD TEAM NAMES…   SINCE THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION IS REGARDED BY MANY AMERICANS AS BEING CLOSET CRIMINALS, WE CAN HAVE THEM AND THE BIG OIL COMPANIES (or HALLIBURTON) OWN THE TEAM!  HERE ARE SOME POSSIBLE TEAM NAMES:

 

EXXON PRESENTS:  DUBBYA'S BITCH SLAPPERS

LUKOIL PRESENTS: CONDIE'S CONVICTS

SUNOCO PRESENTS: DONALD'S GRAVE DIGGERS

HALLIBURTON PRESENTS: DICK'S DEFENDANTS

La Compañía Mexicana Central del Petróleo presenta: ALBERTO'S ESPOSAS DE HOMBRE (man wives).

 

Anyway, that's all I got.  Until next week, commit as many crimes as you can get away with, and if you get caught, just have your public defender cite THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA VS. ORENTHAL JAMES SIMPSON or THE STATE OF GEORGIA VS. RAYMOND LEWIS.

 

-URAM

IF I CAN BE SERIOUS FOR A MINUTE... "These Sleeping Dogs Won't Lie"

One of the new things I'd like to try to pull off as I get the Kingdom up and running on a semi-regular schedule is the return of "If I can be serious for a minute…" which is basically a short column on some sort of legit topic, where I actually try to write, instead of just spew words onto the screen in an oftentimes futile attempt to be entertaining. So here goes.

 

I haven't been sleeping well lately.  This is an odd turn of events for me, because even when I have nightmares, I generally sleep well.   Lately, though, my bad dreams have become something more akin to individual hourlong anxiety attacks spread out over the course of a night's sleep.  Bad dream—wake up. Fall asleep. Bad dream—wake up an hour later:  a cycle that takes my six hours of slumber and flat-out ruins them.  Saturday night, in fact, my entire 10 hours were disrupted by anxiety-laden melodramas of law and broken-heartedness. To be blunt: it sucks.

 

I know I'm putting far too much pressure on myself to be good at my job from the get-go, but it's not helping things. I'm overly worried about taking too long on projects, or turning in efforts that aren't good enough, or just simply letting everyone down.  I can't help but think that I sort of suckered my way through Law School, and that I lucked into a position at a great firm where I really must prove myself.  All I want to do is make them think they made a great decision in hiring me, yet as every day passes, where I feel a little dumber, or a little more lost, or start to think that "not even my writing's going well right now," I worry more and more.  

 

Contrary to what some people might tell you ::cough, Carolyn, cough:: I'm not much of a worrier.  Though it's true that I overanalyze ever single snippet of my life in ways that defy most normal people's comprehension, I don't think that I worry that much.  I don't sit around thinking about "what's going to happen" or "how's my life going to shake out," or "am I going to fail?"   Instead, I mostly just let the days go by, looking at bigger pictures and trying not to sweat the small stuff.  However, now that I've got this "career," I can't help but think that I need to come right out of the gate, Zack Duke-style, with poise and success unheralded for a 25-year old right out of law school who's as green as a hippie convention.   And if I don't? Well, I'm pretty certain that when I don't pass The Bar (the spectre that still looms over everything I do) I'm headed to quick, embarrassing, dismissal.  

 

So every time I don't have an assignment finished by the time I leave for the evening, I find that I don't sleep well.   The problem is, assignments can't be finished in a day. And though I realize this, and though my workload is managable, I found myself working until 7pm the other night, for no other reason than this all-encompassing anxiety that I'm already failing at this.

 

And considering I've recently failed at the other most important endeavour of my life, it's an awful lot to swallow.   But that's a revelation I don't quite feel like sharing, though I'm sure most of you loyal listeners can hazard a guess.

 

The plain, simple truth is that though I seem to have everything I could possibly want right now, with an interesting and fulfilling adult life opening up before my eyes, I'm very lonely, and increasingly unhappy.   Not with work or with friends. Just with life.  There's got to be more than this, right?

 

Perhaps I should've joined the Peace Corps…

 

-apk

 

Song of the Day: the VERY welcomed return of the All-American Rejects with "Dirty Little Secret."  I've wanted to write something about this very same train of thought for quite a while. When I saw the video last night, heard the song for the first time, and realized it was by a band who's totally harmless spirited poplyrical first album I really dug, it only felt fitting.

 

Link of the Day: post-up and supply one of your favourites, it'll keep you from saying inane things like, "buck up apk, you'll be okay…"

All This Mental Health Procedures Research is Really Getting to Me

Real sentence from a real PA Supreme Court case:

 

"[The psycho] proceeded to shoot all three residents of the household with a .357 Magnum, killing [his ex-girlfriend] and seriously wounding [her boyfriend] and [his friend]. [The psycho] then turned the gun on himself, thereby concluding the worse case scenario of the hospital's decision to release him."

 

Does anyone else think that's a really funny way to talk about a really tragic incident?

 

-apk

NFL WEEK 1: Just for the Record

Okay, I can't remember what I actually picked for Outback Challenge III at jackhooton.com but if I were picking right now, here's how I'd go (my pick in bold).

• Oakland @ Patriots (already happened-- but I had already picked it.
• Chicago @ Washington (here I follow two rules: avoid rookie QBs until they prove themselves, and when in doubt, go with the home team.)
• Cincinnati @ Cleveland
• Denver @ Miami (if the home teams you have to go against are Miami and Cleveland, it's a good week.)
• Houston @ Buffalo ( I don't trust Loshman, but I do trust that D. Although Houston's a break out team waiting to happen, they still have no O-Line)
• Saints @ NORTH CAROLINNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNA (one of my favourite teams: back on track.)
• Jets @ Chiefs (can't go against KC at home. Can't back Pennington till he proves the arm is okay.)
• Seattle @ Jax (I really like Leftwich and where Jax is headed. This is a tossup, I go with the home team, and the AFC).
• Tampa @ Minnesota (I may have picked Tampa for OCIII, proving that half the time, I don't have a clue what I'm talking about.
• Tennessee @ PGH (I'm scared of this game and of the Stillers in general.  If this game isn't at Heinz...)
• Arizona @ NYG (There are few instances where you'll see me pick in favor of Eli this year, just out of principle.)
• Dallas @ San Diego Superchargers (I wish I knew which SD was showing up.. I wish I knew which Bledsoe was showing up...I hate this game and this pick, so I went AFC/home team)
• Green Bay @ Detroit (My illicit love affair with the Lions continues..I am the last remaining human that believes in Joey Harrington.)
• The Lou @ SF.
• Indy @ Baltimore (though if this game's played in January, Peyton probably chokes, does anybody else realize that he's had 8 months to brood over the loss to the Pats/prepare for this game? Peyton's revenge couldn't come against a better choice.
• Philly @ Atlanta (I can see it going either way. I wanted to pick Atlanta. However, I realize that Uram and all the Philly guys in the OCIII will def. pick Philly. I'm not about to fall behind in week 1 based on a hunch...Also, I have no faith in Mike Vick.)

That last pick is what we call "playing not to lose."

oh- by the way my weekend college summary:
Pitt: BHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
State:  holy frak! those guys are FAST! oh, and..umm..that defense is pretty awesome, too.

enjoy the third-best day of the year!
Here we go!
-apk

• 
  

DAILY DOSE: "Paranoia! Paranoia! Everybody's Comin' to Get Me!"

To paraphrase Randy Quaid in Independence Day, "I knew it.. I told ya—I've been sayin' it for ten damn years…"

 

You see, folks, like Punxsatawney Phil, I am the Prognosticator of Prognosticators, the Tom Brady of meaningless foresight.   What am I talking about? Well, I'm glad you ask.

 

Exhibit 1:

Your Link of the Day includes great baseball writer Jim Caple calling the Red Sox "the New Yankees." Which I've been saying for at least two years now. He knocks it out of the park when he mentions both the Bagwell trade and how if you take away the pinstripes and Damon's hair, there's really no difference between these teams.  

 

Exhibit 2:

Sprout (all during the first half last night):  Tom Brady's not that good. The Patriots aren't making the playoffs, and they're going to lose to the Raiders.

 

Me:  Well, the Raiders are sticking with them, but we're about due for some sort of fluke Collins Fumbleception that turns the tide on this game. Cuz that's what the Patsies do: they don't make mistakes, and just wait until you do, then win.

 

…less than five minutes later…

 

Collins drops back to pass, pats the ball too much, he's holding on to it way too long while the pocket collapses around him. FUMBLECEPTION! New England ball on the Oakland 25!

 

Exhibit 3: 

Not so much a prediction—but moreso a great idea I had before someone else, that of course was exploited by them better than I could do it (does that sentence even make sense?) 

 

Anywho-- Bill Simmons reads the Kingdom.   There's no other way to explain how he stole back the idea I had stolen from him, and turned it into a column, just like I planned to do with "The Spotlight."  (Grampy—send me your email address. Banner—you too!)

 

So what's all this horn-tooting got to do with anything? Simple: I'm making a prediction: Yankees win the AL East, Cleveland wins the Wild Card.   Oops, sorry Boston—enjoy golfing in October with the Pittsburgh Pirates and KC Royals of the world.

 

We can only hope.  I gotta run, we're about to sign Sid the Kid.  Today officially begins a New Era in Pittsburgh Sports (I hope.)

 

Your Song is "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger, for no other reason than it randomly played on the radio when I got into the 'Tus at the Park'n Ride last night, it's scarily catchy, I've not heard it since 1998, and for some reason, I know ever word to the song…

 

Enjoy your weekend- Fight on State! and Here we Go Stillers! Here we Go!

-apk

GOING POSTAL: The Return

The views expressed in this column do not, and should not be, attributed, associated, or credited to apk, the Kingdom, or any of its subsidiaries. These are just the opinions of a raving mad man. Buckle up.

 

ATTENTION HIPPIES, I AM HERE TO STAY SO GET USED TO IT.  AFTER READING THE FIRST SENTENCE OF MY COLUMN, THE RATINGS SPIKE ON THIS WEBSITE WAS SO LARGE, THAT BLOGSPOT HAD TO DEDICATE AN ENTIRE SERVER JUST FOR WEDNESDAY NIGHT/ THURSDAY MORNING ATOM13 BLOGSPOT TRAFFIC.   

 

I'M BACK AND DAMMIT I'M HERE TO STAY.  AND IF I GO DOWN, I'M GOING DOWN IN A BLAZE OF GLORY, AND I'M TAKING THE WHOLE KINGDOM WITH ME.

 

THE FIRST QUESTION I HAVE UPON MY RETURN:  WAS A-WAL IN NEW ORLEANS LAST WEEK WHEN KATRINA HIT?  SHE WASN'T?  OH WELL, A DREAM HAS DIED TODAY. 

 

(commence getting all the CAPSLOCK jokes out of your system).  Anyway, here it is.  

 

BIG BEN STRIKES INFANCY

 

Here we goooooo…

Here we goooooo…

Here we go Stillers, Here we go

ROEOSOTRAHELRSISBURGER ain't goin to da superbowl.

 

Big Ben has a blog.  Please, If anyone is alive out there, please do not let ben reorgherlsburger anywhere near a blog anymore.   Dead people posted on it saying "booorrriinnggg".  If I was ben's teammate, I would print his blog entries, and post the wisdom and genius all over the locker room.   Then the Steelers would go 0-16 because they will laugh themselves into such a vegetative state that Terri Schaivo would grunt "WOW, those dudes' are retarded".

 

Now please, fasten yourseat belts, tuck the kids in bed, and nail the windows of your house shut. Here is a clip from the exhilaration blog of one Big ben 7:

 

Hello again everyone sorry it has been a couple of days since my last blog, I have been kinda busy with practice and things. I hope this blog finds everyone doing well and I hope that everyone is having a great week .

We had our second practice of the week today and it went really well. I feel that we are looking good on both sides of the ball. Everyone is pretty healthy and it is great to have the Bus back out there on the field. Alan Faneca has not been here for a couple of days because of his pregnant wife so everyone keep he and his family in your thoughts. I know he would appreciate your support.   

 

A couple of us went to dinner last night. We went to Nakoma (I don't know if I spelled it right) but it was really good. It was my first time there and the sushi was great. I took Heath so that we could talk in the car a little on the way over there and I could answer some of his questions..p.s. he's going to be great!!

 

OH MY GOD PLEASE SHUT YOUR MOUTH IMMEDIATELY.  I WANT TO KILL MYSELF FOR ACCIDENTALLY READING THIS MIND NUMBING SEPTIC WASTE.   WHAT WAS I THINKING?  WOW IT'S A BLOG OF AN NFL STARTING QUARTERBACK, THIS HAS TO BE INTERESTING!  NOPE.   I DON'T THINK SO.  THIS GUY CERTAINLY DOES NOT GIVE MY RACE ANY STREET CRED, OR ANY CREDIT FOR THAT MATTER.  SO BEN, OPEN YOUR BIBLE, SHUT YOUR MOUTH, AND DON'T SMASH UP YOUR HARLEY.   

 

  I WAS REQUIRED TO WRITE IN A JOURNAL EVERDAY WHEN I WAS 8 (because I was a bad ass child) and here is a clip of that:  

 

Hi everyone, I went to school today.  I played soccer during morning recess but I didn't score. During afternoon recess we played soccer again and I scored a goal!   Then I came home.  Traffic was bad but I got home ok.  I had chicken for dinner and it was YUMMY!   Then I watched T.V. and it was good.  Then I brushed my teeth.  Then after that I put on my  Jammies, then after that, I got in bed.   Then after that, I said my prayers to Jesus.  Then I went to bed. 

 

HEY BEN, TAKE LESSONS FROM 8 YEAR OLD ALEX URAM AND STOP THINKING YOU HAVE WRITING SKILLS.  Have someone proof read your blog a.k.a. HAVE SOMEONE ELSE WRITE IT WHO ACTUALLY HAS A FUNCTIONING MIND.   3 2 1  1 2 3 what the heck is bothering me…..

 

BEN ROETEHTRLISBURGERS'S BLOG MUST BE STOPPED. 

 

 

Ahh that's a lot better.  Anyway,

 

With that said, here is my 2005 NFL absolute stone cold prophecy.  If you go over my record from last season, you saw that I was, for the most part, correct in all my predictions.  If you disagree with my assessment than you are obviously wrong.        

 

 

Let me just start off by making one thing perfectly clear.  The Carolina Panthers, in no way, shape, or form, will represent the NFC in Super Bowl XL.   First of all, this team isn't even going to win their division, and secondly, there is no way they can win three road playoff games. 

 

Patriots  12-4  Wearing a huge sweatshirt did not win them 3 bowls, the coordinators did. They wont get back to the superbowl.  

Jets        10-6  This team can turn heads and possibly win the division.   Too bad Chad pennington is a pussy.

Bills        8-8  Have you seen the mugshot of J.P. Lousman?  No team that has a QB with down syndrome will make the playoffs. 

Dolphins 4-12  Hey, hey, hey.   Smoke weed everyday.

 

Steelers 11-5  Big Ben will slump a little, but his team's success rides on the health of the running backs.  

Ravens 9-7  Best defense, WORST QUARTERBACK.   This team's movie was pretty big at the box office this summer and I would take Adam Sandler over Kyle Boller any day of the week.   If the Ravens win the north, it will be a crime.  

Bengals 7-9  Carson Palmer is a stone cold stiff   Bengals better drink their Jesus Juice and ride John Kitna to the playoffs. 

Browns 2-14  They could have at least got new uniforms so they can lose in style.

 

Colts 13-3  Home field advantage = superbowl.    Road Playoff game= Immediate loss.

Jaguars  10-6  This is another "cool pick" like the Panthers.   Expect them to just miss the playoffs.

Texans 6-10  Another year, another losing season.

Titans 5-11  Steve McNair can play against Bret Favre in the Sunday night football announcers circle jerk bowl.  

 

Raiders 11-5   Even with Kerry Collins, This team's offense is ridiculous.   Their defense is much improved too.  They will go 11-4 after getting crushed by the Pats in week 1. 

Chargers 11-5  Another solid team.  This entire division is up for grabs. 

Chiefs  9-7  Still no defense.   Dick Vermeil will continue to ball his eyes out.

Broncos 8-8  Someone has to come in last in this division.. eeenie,   meenie.. miniee…

 

Eagles 14-2  Absolutely Dominant.  "I LOVE DONOVAN" says T.O.  This team is the living incarnation of the fear of God.   

Cowboys 9-7 I am praying to meet this team in the playoffs so their cockroach fans can go to hell.   (I would say something infinitely more explicit if I wasn't on nips's blog)

  Redskins  6-10   This team has no hope.  Joe Theismann proved he is an idiot by picking this team to win the NFC.

Giants 6-10  Eli will set the league record for number of tearful halftime calls to his daddy.  

 

Vikings 11-5  Surprisingly, they will be better without Moss.   Too bad their coach has not and will not evolve.  Hey Discovery channel, I FOUND THE MISSING LINK.

Packers  8-8  Which of Bret's family member is going to die this year so that Bret's team is the sentimental superbowl favorite?

Lions  6-10  This team would lose to a team of Girl scouts.   My gaydar is going crazy.

Bears  5-11  Well Jack, at least you aren't a dolphins fan.   

 

Falcons 11-5  Vick will finally be exposed as a below average passing quarterback but because of this conference, he will still get his team to the brink.

Panthers 10-6  The sexy, left wing, hippie pick of 2005!   Eat shit Stuart Scott, get your lazy eye fixed. 

Buccaneers 7-9  In 2002, Tampa Bay Robbed Peter to pay Paul.  Yeah, Peter is pissed.

Saints 5-11  Wouldn't it be hilarious if this team won home field advantage throughout the playoffs?? AS:DHASJKLDBADHBSHDBDASHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

 

 

Rams 10-6  Worst division in football.

Seahawks 9-7 Joke Division.

Cardinals 7-9  This team actually could win the division.

49ers 1-15  My pick- USC 52, 49ers 21

 

Here is more truth:

 

Wild Card:

Cowboys Def. Rams

Panthers Def Vikings

Steelers Def. Chargers

Jets Def. Raiders

 

Divisional Playoff:

Eagles Def. Cowboys

Falcons Def. Panthers

Steelers Def Patriots

Colts Def Jets

 

NFC Championship:

Eagles Def. Falcons

 

AFC Championship:

Colts Def. Steelers

 

Superbowl XL

Eagles Def. Colts

38-31

 

There it is.  Put it in between Acts of the Apostles and Paul's letter to the Romans because my word is scripture.   Anyway, its good to be back here on the worst blog ever created.

 

I leave you with the most hilarious quote of the week:

 

"GEORGE BUSH DOESN'T CARE ABOUT BLACK PEOPLE."

 

-Kanye West.

 

Until next week,

ALEX  URAM.

"Never Write 'F*ck' on a Timesheet"

That may be the best piece of advice I've received since starting work.  Not that I actually wrote "f*ck" on a timesheet. Far from.  No, I received that piece of advice from one of my mentor attorneys earlier today, while he explained the Art of Billing.  Referencing an imaginary letter to an opponet, he spoke of kindly asking them "where the f*ck the complaint is," then stopped, caught himself, chuckled, and said, "Never write 'F*ck" on a timesheet." 

 

Today is much better than today.

That particular attorney makes me very happy.

 

Okay, I just wanted to drop in and say 'hi.'  In the meantime, here's a poem I swiped from my roommate E.  You should check out her site sometime, but get permission first.  She's an amazing writer. This isn't hers, though. 

 

The Lesson Of The Moth

i was talking to a moth
the other evening
he was trying to break into
an electric light bulb
and fry himself on the wires

why do you fellows
pull this stunt i asked him
because it is the conventional
thing for moths or why
if that had been an uncovered
candle instead of an electric
light bulb you would
now be a small unsightly cinder
have you no sense

plenty of it he answered
but at times we get tired
of using it
we get bored with the routine
and crave beauty
and excitement
fire is beautiful
and we know that if we get
too close it will kill us
but what does that matter
it is better to be happy
for a moment
and be burned up with beauty
than to live a long time
and be bored all the while
so we wad all our life up
into one little roll
and then we shoot the roll
that is what life is for
it is better to be a part of beauty
for one instant and then cease to
exist than to exist forever
and never be a part of beauty
our attitude toward life
is come easy go easy
we are like human beings
used to be before they became
too civilized to enjoy themselves

and before i could argue him
out of his philosophy
he went and immolated himself
on a patent cigar lighter
i do not agree with him
myself i would rather have
half the happiness and twice
the longevity

but at the same time i wish
there was something i wanted
as badly as he wanted to fry himself

-Don Marquis

 

I'm quite certain I'm a moth. 

 

I leave you with a bonus Song of the Day, "Passacaglia," from the Battlestar Galactica Season 1 Soundtrack . You may remember this hauntingly gorgeous string quartet piece from the first minutes of "Kobol's Last Gleaming, part 1."  Before you yell "GEEK!" remember that there's nothing like writing to classical music. I strongly suggest you all try it.  I'm partial to Mozart, Devorak, and Williams. This is some good stuff, too. KLE, stand in jealousy, or just go to Amazon and buy it, like I did.

 

Billin' like a villain,

-apk

WEDNESDAY HANGOVER: "Hello There, the Angel from My Nightmares..."

Hey everyone, didja miss me?

Hope everyone had a very safe/productive/happy Labor Day weekend.  I conducted a whirlwind tour of western PA, myself.  Friday night started out mundanely enough, as Z and I took in a Bucco Fireworks Night Extravaganza.  Though the game, like the Buccos, sucked, the fireworks were positively stuuuuuuuu-pendous, as usual.  Seriously, kids, if you've never been to PNC Park, you should 1) go now. And 2) try to make it on a Fireworks night.  There's nothing quite like watching the multi-coloured pyrotechnic glow reflect off of some of PGH's coolest looking "skyscrapers."  Good stuff. (on a related note: HALLELUJAH!)

Andy and I tried to roll over to the Southside, but quickly realized that much like Louie Anderson in Spandex ®, we had outgrown it.  Don't get me wrong, I love skeevie bar-hopping as much as the next guy, but we decided that at 25, it's only fun when you're with a group.  Otherwise, being surrounded by meatheads in popped collars and fake-baked slutbags just ain't what it used to be.  I haven't felt that out-of-place in a LONG time.  It was like being a freshman guy at a frat party, really.  Luckily, we bounced back and checked out the recently opened "Margarita Momma's" in Station Square. The verdict: much more eclectic (deck, dance floor, bunch of bars, pool tables) and a generally older (ie: 23-26) crowd. I dug. Now if only I had someone to dance with…

Saturday I had a HUGE moment. I went grocery shopping.  That may not sound like much to those of you who've been in the real world, but to me (riding high on my first paycheck), being able to spend lots of money on meals/food that's healthy and won't kill me was a MAJOR coup.  Perhaps the first time I've felt like a grownup ever. 

I celebrated the groceries by having a sandwhich and watching the first half of the first (of four!) PSU triumphs this season.  The verdict on the Blue and White? Nothing I've not seen for three years: KILLER-D. No-O.  Awesome. At least there were some flashes of Freshmen brilliance by the Lion King and That Other Guy.  Word has it the game was boring to be at, which is sad. Though, apparently, Pseudo-Engagement parties are AWESOME! 

My plans to sit on the couch and then head to Pamela's party took a sudden turn towards Westmoreland County, however, when my Aunt Cindy (the party aunt) called me and offered a ticket, a free ride, and a stay in a cabin/condo up at the local ski resort to check out BB King's 80^th Birthday Blues Spectacular.  And WOAH, was it awesome. I had ZERO experience with Blues, but hell, mixing a great little venue (where I saw Hootie) with some truly fantastic blues acts, capped off with BB, himself, "Lucille" and his 80-year-old pipes blasting, made for a GREAT experience. Tons of fun, and mad thanks to Aunt Cin, John, and Uncle Dan for some quality partyin'. Who says Old Hats can't get down?

Sunday saw Gooder and I reunited, after Dad and I watched about four hours of Bonanza re-runs, and I realized how truly lucky I am to be named after Adam Cartwright. If you don't know what any of that means, shame on you—go watch TV LAND.

Later, I hit the road and did some barrage with my old Yough boys, Z, Wilbur, Bill, Josh, the Skipper, and Mary Ann.  Good stuff. Oh, I forgot to add that Dad let me take the RX-8, all by myself.  I am truly awesome. But where were the old washed up High School Cheerleaders to pine over me?  If it wasn't official before, kids, it is now: I'm buying a sports car.

By Monday I was ready to crash and burn, and I did, too—on the golf course.  I had hit so well (for me) all summer. So of course when I try to impress my Dad and Z and Bill, I fell apart at the seams. I think I had about three good hits all day. Sucked. Hard. 

That wrapped up a great weekend and led to a shitty Tuesday. I swear, I feel like law school totally neglected to prepare me for a real legal job. I officially feel stupid as all hell about 6 hours a day, and generally feel like I'm swimming upstream, no matter what I try to finish.  Luckily, I got a little much-needed encouragement when I got home today.  Though it proves how utterly powerless I am, in general, I needed it, and I'll take what I can get today, because I need to dominate tomorrow at work.

So thus, this little Knipper must head to bed.  It's getting' late.  Your Song for Tomorrow is "I miss you" by Blink 182.  I hate Blink 182, generally, but they had two good songs on their last album.  This one just popped up on the ol' WinAmp, and works particularly well for the moment.

Oh! I almost forgot— GIANT EAGLE HAS TEA COOLER NOW!!! I got two gallons for $4. I can't believe that Tea Cooler is cheaper than gas! If anyone wants me to send some of Carlisle's greatest delicacy, just let me know! (Or maybe that'll give you a reason to come visit!)

Okay, there were some Links placed here and there, but I just had to add one for my tied-for-favourite football player of all time, the guy whose bandwagon I personally built, whose jersey that I own is so old, it's a STARTER, the one, the ONLY, HINES—FINALLY GETTIN' PAID, GETTIN' PAID!!!

damn, that was a long post... that should getcha to Thursday!

peace
-apk

DAILY DOSE: "Dr. Jekyll is Wrestling Hyde....For My Pride."

I have a serious problem.  Stopping the proliferation of this problem may become my life's work.  It may be the most important undertaking of my entire life. This is BIG. Bigger than my smear campaign against Ashlee Simpson (who I find strangely attractive these days), Bigger than Uram's hatred of the Wendy's Douche, and bigger than my combined love of Galactica (increasingly awesome this season) and Enterprise (which is sorely missed).  It's "My Super Sweet Sixteen" on Mtv, and it must be stopped.

 

I truly hope none of you out there like this show, because it's the best example of a show that is nothing but entirely terrible for kids/teens to watch. The basic premise is this:

 

Every week, this stupid reality show takes a candid, behind-the-scenes look at the ridiculous 16th birthday party of some overpriviledge snob-bitch, who doesn't have any friends (because she's an overprivledged snob-bitch), but determines that by throwing a monstrously extravagent "Sweet Sixteen" (who even has those, anymore?) on Daddy's dime, she can "become popular," and have everybody like her.

 

Good. Grief.  What kind of messages does this show send?

 

1) It's okay to be spoiled and bitchy, so long as you're nice to your friends and you give the camera a nice, big, healthy dose of teen angst.

2) the only boy worth pining over is the really hunky one, which is whomever will 1) ignore you and not dance during your party, 2) wears a LOT of Hollister, and 3)probably still be the only guy at the party wearing a "Livestrong" bracelet

3)  The full of yourself you are, the better.

4)  Daddy really should spend that extra 40K so you can have your favorite band play the festivities

 

and most importantly

5) you cannot be popular, well-liked, or worth your weight in cowshit unless you throw a HUGE 16th birthday party that real people can't afford-- complete with a stupid theme and a security force.

 

oh! i forgot about the bonus! be a bitch to freshmen at all costs, because they don't deserve to come to your party, because YOU'RE the only one who gets to be popular.

 

This show has to be stopped. Our young girls are frakked up enough in the head as it is.

 

On the other hand, has anyone seen "Trailer Fabulous?" This may be the greatest "makeover" show ever.  It's got great comedy, the weirdest, most eclectic cast ever, it refuses to take itself seriously.  I'm falling in love with this show, and it never ceases to make me laugh.

 

Anyway-- tonight, Z and I head to the ballpark as I hope the Buccos can improve to 3-7 while i'm in attendance this season. With Greg Maddux throwing, I'm probably screwed. It is fireworks night, though. So huzzah! 

 

The rest of the weekend is now officially almost-not-up-in-the air. Looks like I'm tailgreating with Jerry and Nat at Heinz Field tomorrow before we head to Pamela's housewarming party. Then I'm gonna head home for Sun/Monday to see Penny and Gooder and the rest of the FAm, and partake in some hearty mom-made-turkey goodness on Labour Day.  Good stuff, all around.

 

Everyone out there enjoy your L-Day, pray for NOLA, root for STATE! on Saturday, and be good to each other. Your Song of the Day is "How to be Dead" by Snow Patrol. I finally got my hands on the album, and thoroughly love it. Any other fans out there?  I've got an AWESOME Link for y'all, but no time to write about it, so it'll have to wait...

-apk